“Holy Mullet, Batman. Erm. I mean. Me.”
~Batman
Business on front. Party on back. America. Even if it’s a kid.
Wait.
Especially if it’s a kid.
Here you go America.
Have a great weekend everyone.
Posted in Saturday Image of the Week
“Just walk away, and we will spare your lives.”
~AFFotD’s Business Negotiator
At AFFotD we often focus on presenting you, the American public, important facts about American life. And while we’d like to think we offer a unique perspective, or at the very least provide you with previously unknown details of important American facts, there isn’t much instructional benefits to our fun facts. We write you an article informing you that gluing three guns together is incredibly American, but don’t offer any tutorial on how to properly and safely make your own three pronged glued gun at home. You can learn how Davy Crockett could split a bullet in half by shooting it at an ax, but we don’t offer much in the way of demonstration.
We aim to change that today.
We at AFFotD will now begin combining our award winning fun facts with American instructional articles, with the hope that you can follow our American instruction to live life in an American fashion. So that is why we today present to you…
The America Fun Fact of the Day Guide to Performing a Hostile Corporate Takeover
“Holy boozy mother of fried mercy.”
~AFFotD Food Critic, John Goodman
You see what that is up there? Chicken fried bacon. We just figured we should rip that band-aid off right away, and let your brain adjust to that. You know how, when you’re Scuba Diving, you’re not supposed to surface too quickly? Well looking at this picture puts you all in danger of coming down with the Fried Food Bends. It’s too much too fast. You’re going to end up as an early Radiohead album. Only, you know, fatter.
AFFotD has always been on the vangard of introducing you to the most terrifying foods that carnivals and deep friers have to offer. It’s our duty to inform you of the most efficient ways to get calories in your body faster than Kirstie Alley falling into a vat of butter. How else are we supposed to earn our blood money from Wendy’s if we don’t create a dozen new fat people everyday? That’s right, we couldn’t, and their hired goons would ensure that our entrails were never found. And we happen to like our entrails very much. Which is why we’re here to team up with our ally, transfats, and present to you…
(Even More of) America’s Most Ridiculous Fried Foods
Posted in Fried Foods
Tagged America, Carnivals, Fried Avocado, Fried Beer, Fried Bubble Gum, Fried Buffalo Flapjack, Fried Foods, Fried Oatmeal, Fried Salsa
“This is the most depressing list I’ve ever seen. Those poor Vegans. Please, just take a big old bite out of my flank. I want you to be happy.”
~A cow
Ever since we sent [REDACTED] on a trip into torture and madness not seen since Apocalypse Now, we’ve tried to distance ourselves from the terrifying, un-American creatures known as “Vegans.” We didn’t know much about them, but we knew they didn’t like meat, and that’s more than enough reason to hate them with every fiber of our beings. “Oh, but AFFotD, that’s blind, irrational hatred, isn’t that wrong?” you may ask, and we would retort, of course not. If we didn’t have blind, irrational hatred, we’d have settled this country by “peacefully cohabiting with the natives” and where would that leave us now? With a lot fewer casinos and a lot less stories about smallpox blankets. Could you imagine such a terrifying world? We try not to.
But after a while, we began to develop a curiosity about these soulless (we can only assume) harbingers of soy. Here’s what we knew about Vegans (through assumption). They don’t eat meat unless it comes from human babies, they don’t have souls because the only way to acquire and maintain a soul is by devouring the life force of other animals, and they never shower because if they did their white-person dreads would immediately thin out when they touch water.
“My parents eat MEAT so I think it’s WRONG. I learned that at the college that they paid for me to go to from a professor I was sleeping with.”
Well, for a while this inherent knowledge satisfied us. But, after months of not even thinking the word “Vegan” we suddenly developed a strong urge to learn about all the foods that they are not allowed to eat. This may or may not have something to do with putting trace amounts of cow’s blood in the water supply and then buying billboard space that says, “HEY VEGANS! HOW’S THE COW’S BLOOD TASTE? IT’S IN YOUR FUCKING WATER, HIPPIES!”
God, the look on their faces is going to be priceless. Well, time for us to get formal, and focus on…
Foods of Enjoyment (Ignored by Dastardly Vegans)
“Meat: It’s totally worth killing for.”
The following is a list of foods that Vegans can’t eat. It’s not comprehensive, but it is comprehensive as far as things that Americans need. And we’re not exaggerating here. If an American goes a month without eating any of the following food and drink items, they turn into a male Chinese government official. Even our women. All Vegans are secretly Chinese government officials, is what we’re trying to say.
Posted in America's Greatest Fun Facts
Tagged America, beer and wine, Bees, broth, dairy, honey, lobster, seafood, steak, Vegan, what a vegan can eat
“Let’s see… and greed makes all seven. Sweet.”
~ Charlie Sheen
Religion is a sticky subject in America. Everyone has a strong opinion of it, except for agnostics who are just lazy, and it can lead to uncomfortable arguments. And if there’s one thing we dislike at AFFotD, it’s sobriety. And if there’s two things we dislike, it’s sobriety and foreigners. But if you go down the list of things we hate far enough, you eventually find “pointless arguments” in there somewhere. So we’re not going to weigh in on this “big picture” item, and instead are just going to look into one particular aspect of one particular religion that has taken a bigger role in popular culture. The Seven Deadly Sins. You might have heard of it? These are things that Christians try to avoid, and probably all those other religions that speak in silly languages don’t like either. Ringing any bells? They were central to the plot of that movie starring Gwyneth Paltrow’s severed head? You know, Iron Man?
“What’s in the box? WHAT’S IN THE BOX?”
Anyway, for those of you unsure what the hell our sinful selves are talking about, there’s Lust, Greed, Gluttony, Sloth, Wrath, Envy, and Pride. We don’t know that because we’re religious, necessarily, we just know that because we sort of view them less as “things you shouldn’t do” and more as “American guidelines.” As we were watching that Jessica Alba/Angelina Jolie from-like-four-years-ago-when-they-were-even-hotter lesbian sex tape that we own the only physical copy of as training motivation for our daily office hot dog eating contest, we started to wonder if we as Americans could do the deadly sins justice. That’s when Sylvester Stallone and Bruce Willis got in a fight over who was more jealous of the rest of the staff who was away on nap time, and Michael Jordan just kept looking at himself in the mirror and playing a game of blackjack against himself, and we realized that…goddamn the deadly sins are American. America is the embodiment of the Seven Deadly Sins. And that’s awesome.
So, we’re going to run down how American each sin is, and after this article, the term “Seven Deadly Sins” will now be called “Seven Awesome American Traits.” Fucking deal, Satan.
Posted in America Fun Fact of the Day
Tagged 7 Deadly Sins, America, Gary Busey, Pride, Seven Deadly Sins, What's in the Box
“For this much money I can get drunk 3 million times, easily.”
~The average American liver
America loves spending too much money on pointless status items. Why? Well, flashy, extremely expensive items help tell the average American that they are in the presence of a wealthy, important person with very poorly functioning genitalia, for one. But there’s one area where AFFotD staff has to draw the line, and that’s where obnoxiously overpriced liquor comes into play.
Now we’re not saying that there’s anything wrong with an NBA star spending the enough money to buy a house just for a night out in Vegas, but maybe we’re just too cold and calculating when it comes to liquor. Bottle service is for douchebags, and we can’t help but shake the feeling that something is wrong about a bunch of Wall Street brokers spending 300 bucks for a bottle of Grey Goose that would cost them 28 bucks in the seedy liquor store down the street. Not that we don’t approve of flashing some green to try to get laid, but as Americans, when we see someone order bottle service we just thing, “they can get ten times as drunk using that much money.”
As far as America goes, the drunker you can get for your dollar, the better. That’s why we spend most Friday nights pouring nail polisher into a Brita Filter. Which is why we had a moment of pause when we discovered that the company Royal Salute (who aren’t American) decided to make a bottle of Scotch (which, also, not American) that costs $200,000.
Holy hell. Well, let’s try to put this into more sensible drunk statistics for you. Because when we first heard about this, we thought, “Holy shit, that’s awesome,” until we realized how much Pappy Van Winkle that can buy for that same amount. And then we got mad. But then we got drunk, so now we’re just going to make fun of things.
Artist’s Rendition
“It’s Sunday, Sunday, heroin between your toes.”
~Rebecca Black
Sundays are the day of rest, where we sit back, start day drinking at nine in the morning, and sometimes drive places. And while our staff members are considering how to tell their wives about the public intoxication ticket they were served the previous night, we here at AFFotD are once again here to present you with…
Today’s Date in American History (American Edition)
“Heh. Other cultures are…silly.”
~Johnny Roosevelt
American is clearly the language of business. Everyone needs to know it, and if they don’t they’re an idiot. Think about it- someone comes to you talking in Eastern Europe-y jibberjabber, and you think, “Goddamn it asshole, learn English.” And then, you go to Italy, and someone doesn’t speak English, you think, “Goddamn it asshole, learn English.”
That’s why nothing is funnier than officials getting English hilariously wrong. Because, come on dumbasses, you were born speaking American. Right? Probably. Anyway, here’s the picture.
Have a great weekend, everybody.
Posted in America Fun Fact of the Day
“Heh…heh…puns.”
~The Huffington Post
Giant penis. There, glad to get that out of our system. AFFotD has made it an occasional habit to bring you moderately new “news” stories, if for no other reason than to save you from the terror of reading about something in a newspaper. So whenever we’re talking about Brewmasters peeing in glasses or people drinking only beer for lent, we’re there…well, a few days later.
So when we see something about a Chicago restaurant setting a world record by making a 47-foot long bratwurst, you can count on us to fill you in, without making you wade through the treacherous sea of awful, cringe-worthy puns that certain articles by the goddamn Huffington Post about it choose to use.
Seriously, there’s more bad puns in the Huffington Post article about this sausage than a clown funeral. Do clowns even use puns? Would they say puns at a clown funeral? We don’t know. Stop bothering us. Sausage is another way to describe a penis.
Uh. Anyway. Time for the news.
“Get you drunk, get your lady drunk, set some shit on fire, I can do it all.”
~Jerry Thomas
This might come as a surprise to some of you, but America likes to get itself drunk. But while shots of whiskey with beer chasers is a tried and true method for shouting at your liver, “who’s responsible for the removal of toxins from my system now, huh jerk?” it can get old after a while. That’s why Americans have made it a point to master the art of mixing liquor with different liquors to make delicious (and high octane) cocktails that can be enjoyed by men, women, and people who enjoy giggling at the word “cock”. Cocktails (tee hee) are incredibly American, and every time someone in a bowler cap orders a Manhattan in a dimly lit bar, the nearest woman in the area becomes instantaneously impregnated. This is science, and there’s no way to stop it.
We’re just saying, Jon Hamm is responsible for more accidental impregnations than the NBA.
So while most Americans appreciate the existence of a good, well-crafted cocktail, surprisingly few are aware of Jerry Thomas, the father of American mixology. And that’s a damn shame, because Americans unknowingly give this man tribute every day, be they ordering an oversized margarita to a woman they just met, or be they ordering a sidecar from a clearly pissed off bartender at a wedding’s open bar. All of these couldn’t be possible without the contributions of this portly man whose most famous drink involved arcs of blue fire.
Basically, Jerry Thomas is gonna get you drunk. You’re welcome.
He may also disfigure you horribly in the process of doing so.
Posted in Drunk People
Tagged Alcohol, America, Bartender, Blue Blazer, Inventor of the Martini, Jerry Thomas, Mixology
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America Fun Fact of the Day 