“Just walk away, and we will spare your lives.”
~AFFotD’s Business Negotiator
At AFFotD we often focus on presenting you, the American public, important facts about American life. And while we’d like to think we offer a unique perspective, or at the very least provide you with previously unknown details of important American facts, there isn’t much instructional benefits to our fun facts. We write you an article informing you that gluing three guns together is incredibly American, but don’t offer any tutorial on how to properly and safely make your own three pronged glued gun at home. You can learn how Davy Crockett could split a bullet in half by shooting it at an ax, but we don’t offer much in the way of demonstration.
We aim to change that today.
We at AFFotD will now begin combining our award winning fun facts with American instructional articles, with the hope that you can follow our American instruction to live life in an American fashion. So that is why we today present to you…
The America Fun Fact of the Day Guide to Performing a Hostile Corporate Takeover
So you want to perform a hostile corporate takeover? Of course you do! Americans love money, because America is a leader in inventing ways to spend money on frivolous things. What’s the point of having diamonds if you can’t spend 300 dollars for a facial soap with ground up diamonds suspended in it? We’d rather wash our face with toilet water than use anything but a diamond facial scrub, and being a slumlord only pays so much. So, when it’s time for you, the Average American, to figure out a way to get millions of dollars easily without having to do much in the way of “work” or “physical excursion,” hostile corporate takeovers are your best bet!
A successful, multi-million dollar corporation takes years of hard work, innovation, and a lot of lucky breaks to go from being a new business run out of a garage to being a Fortune 500 company. We stopped reading that sentence right after “hard work” because this is America dammit, we’re not doing any of that shit. No, instead, we recommend you act much like the Hermit Crab, and steal what you need when no one is looking. You will need the following items.
1. A Lackey. Several preferably. The key is to find someone who is loyal to you, desperate for your approval, and will be willing to die for your cause. However, make sure your lackey will have no idea about the dangers inherent in your plan.
2. A tarp. For the lackeys, when the time comes.
3. An expensive suit. Everyone who is doing something for money in a corporate environment has spent more money on their suit than they did on their spouse’s engagement rings. If we’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that any corporate head that wears sweat pants is Russian and any corporate head who wears a track suit is Italian. If you’re an American you gotta look good in this piece.
4. Trained murder monkeys, and a tuft of the opposing CEO’s hair. Failing this, building blueprints and a gun.
5. A moral code so flexible that people make sexually charged jokes about it behind its back. Seriously, if at any point you say to yourself, “Oh my God, they want me to do what!?” then you are not ready to follow our advice.
At this point, you should be ready to go. Obviously, different types of companies require different tactics and skills. Gun manufacturing is going to involve a lot more chances of getting shot, doing coke, and having the lead singer of 30 Days to Mars as your brother (our knowledge of the gun manufacturing business may or may not have been entirely lifted from the Nicholas Cage film Lord of War). Overthrowing a successful candy business will require you develop a strong tolerance to hallucinogens. Learning how to swim in chocolate would be helpful too. Either way, we’re here with several specific kinds of corporate areas you can hijack- you’ll just have to cater each one to your particular target.
Type 1: How to Take Over a Company Built From the Ground Up
You might think that it would be impossible to take over one of those immense companies that seemingly sprung up overnight. But surprisingly, because of their relative “newness,” it is surprisingly easy to sabotage and take over those “hot” new companies. Sure, people love Groupon and Facebook, but those were founded by people who never learned fencing. Hell, Mark Zuckerberg looks like a wedgie. Like, a human embodiment of the physical act of wedgies. And the founders of Youtube include a Tawainese nerd, a German nerd, and an American guy who looks like he’s done enough coke in the past eight years that he honestly would not be able to feel it when you punch him in the face.
Seriously, it’s like adult Macaulay Culkin and rehab had a kid who likes computers
These companies are easier to take over, since the leadership is so entrenched, you’ll be able to force a coup of sorts with enough effort.
First, you will want to get one of your lackies hired as an IT specialist. In the past, the mail room would be the ideal place where you can cripple the operations of a Corporation, but ever since the last living mailman died in 2009, people have forgotten what “mail” is. So you’ll want to be in position to take down the companies Microsoft outlook when you get the chance. Use the lackey for the tedious “gathering information/blackmailable material” part of the plan. While this part is incredibly boring, you won’t have to do it, and you can take part in a scotch tasting class while you wait, just to prepare yourself to create a Mad Men style office when you eventually take over the company.
It is a scientifically established fact that every American with a net worth of more than 5 million dollars has a series of dark, depraved fantasies that they live out on a daily basis, and you will be able to find it on their harddrive. We’re not saying you’re going to find homemade strangulation porn, but you absolutely are going to find homemade strangulation porn. That’s just a fact. Tell your lackey to look under the file name of “choke.gif” or something similar. Once you’ve gotten all the dirt on the individual, make sure you’ve found everything (for example- Mark Zuckerberg may indeed like filming himself defecating on endangered animals. We can’t prove he does, but what kind of 20-something billionaire wouldn’t have that as a hobby?).
We’re saying that the founder of facebook uses this as toilet paper.
Now that your lackey has gotten what you need, you’ll want to go in, giving yourself a fake but impressive sounding name, like “Well-Endowed Rockeleller” or “John Doe.” Wearing your fancy suit, you will have your flock of monkeys on hand (if you were unable to procure the monkeys, a handgun is acceptable) and you will threaten to shoot your lacky if they do not take you to the corporation’s president. If they call your bluff, shoot the lackey in the kneecaps, ignoring his shouts of, “Dude, what the FUCK” and grabbing another hostage. Eventually, you will have a face to face with the CEO, and you will inform them that if they do not hand over control of their company to you, you will post all of their depraved information all over the internets. Use technological savvy words like “video file” “4chan” and “Ethernet” to prove you know what you’re talking about.
At this point, congratulations! You have capitalized on someone else’s suffering to make a neat profit! You are a true American!
However, some companies have been around for generations, and have trained their CEO’s in the time honored tradition of shame hiding. These entrenched fortunes, passed down from family member to family member, will require more finesse.
Type 2: How to Take Over an Established, Family Owned Empire
Taking down a family business will require two additional items to your list. You will need a plastic surgeon who is willing to be bribed, and any organic compound that, when ingested, will cause a heart attack and then get flushed out of the system.
The first part is the same- have a lackey entrenched. For these companies, a Mail room would actually be the best way to go, since these companies still send memos. There should be a good indication of a succession plan. The lackey will not look for blackmail material, since the CEOs of these kinds of corporations usually do not hesitate to assassinate those who make blackmail threats against them. Instead, determine who is next in line for the family business.
This is where things get unsavory. First, have the lackey poison the next person in line for the business, while making a mold of their face. Take the mold to the plastic surgeon, and have your lackey go under the knife to be given the appearance of the now-deceased soon-to-be-CEO. Once the previous CEO has an “unfortunate accident” your lackey, the imposter, will now have control of the company. He will shock everyone by signing the company over to you, and you will reward him by giving him a boat or something. Or dumping him in the body pit. Whatever. Either way, you have now destroyed a family legacy, and made yourself a pretty profit in the mean time.
So there you have it! Now you are on your way to destroying other people’s lives in order to further your own agenda! And just remember, don’t try this shit on AFFotD because we have certain safety measures in place. If you know what we mean.
(Bear traps. Our offices are about 90% bear traps, is what we mean.)