America Fun Fact of the Day

AFFotD News Item of the Month: The World’s Most Expensive Scotch

Posted on January 9, 2012 | Leave a comment

“I only got two speeds- drunk and dead.”

~Jack Kerouac

We’ve previously discussed liquor that sells for inordinate amounts of money. And we’ve talked about how it’s conflicting, since you can spend that money on things like, much more booze. And sure, in the case of the 45 year old Chivas, the Scotch was being sold for $200,000 largely because the bottle was balls expensive. And in retrospect, that’s a huge waste. If you’re spending a fuckton of money for booze, you’d better make sure the booze is what’s worth it.

If we were paying thousands of dollars for a bottle of liquor, we’d almost prefer that it come in a ziplock bag, just so we can know that we’re not paying any markup for a diamond studded bottle or anything. Which is why we’re here to bring your attention to the most expensive bottle of scotch ever sold in an auction (held in just a normal glass bottle) in 2012’s first…

AFFotD News Item of the Month: The World’s Most Expensive Scotch

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Posted in Whiskey and Bourbon

Tagged America, glenfiddich, Most expensive scotch, Scotch

America Fun Fact of the Day 1/8- January 8th in American History

Posted on January 8, 2012 | Leave a comment

“Hangover? I hardly even KNOW her!”

~Ha

It’s the year of the Mayans, which means we have less than a year until some sort of space planet eats our magnetic poles with an asteroid or something. But look on the bright side- if the world ends in December, you don’t have to worry about liver disease! We’re drunk right now, is what we’re trying to say. Onto the history!

Today’s Date in American History

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Posted in Today in American History

Tagged America, Today in American History

America Fun Fact of the Day 1/7- January 7th in American History

Posted on January 7, 2012 | Leave a comment

“Heh. Fatty.”

~You, you judgemental asshole

It’s Saturday, it’s winter. So we’re going to post a random picture. But we’re going to do one that makes you feel warm. Oh and it’ll also emphasize how America has a lot of skinny women in skimpy clothing, but even more comically fat people.

Have a great weekend, everyone.

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Posted in Saturday Image of the Week

AFFotD Presents: America’s Dumbest Political Parties (of America!)

Posted on January 6, 2012 | Leave a comment

“Ain’t no party like a Communist party ‘cause a Communist party don’t stop.”

~DJ “Krazy” Karl Marx

American Politics are a lot like a Tijuana Donkey Show. People get strangely excited about it, but the end result always ends up being incredibly messy while filling everyone involved with a profound sense of shame. No matter what political party you endorse, more often than not it’s going to center around an aggressively idealistic narcissist surrounding him or herself with a murder of hyper-educated, over-qualified, over-worked younger workers. It’s not a question of Republican and Democrat, politics on both sides show people practically killing themselves with grueling schedules and illegitimate children extended time away from their families to get into a game that doesn’t even pay that much more than the starting salary for an attorney.

But, no matter what, if you’re a member of one of the major political parties, you have both an established political legitimacy, as well as a reason to get into surprisingly hostile arguments with strangers that have any differing views. That’s the nature of US Politics.

“Well I think that municipal elections for waste management officials should be held every THREE years, jackass!”

But hidden in all the partisan turmoil, a simple truth remains about American politics- this nation is filled with absolutely absurd political parties, most of them hidden under the blanket of obscurity and, again, just plain idiocy, because who in their right mind is going to want to join a political party that’s only platform is “vaccines are giving our kids Autism”?

Well, The Canary Party, evidently, which is just one of many miniscule Political entities you’re going to hear about today in…

AFFotD Presents: America’s Dumbest Political Parties (of America!)

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Posted in Miscellaneous America

Tagged America, American Nazi Party, Communist Party USA, Gracie Allen, Libertarian National Socialist Green Party, Pansexual Peace Party, Political Parties, Politics, Prohibtion Party, Surprise Party

AFFotD News Item of the Month: Beer…IN SPACE!

Posted on January 5, 2012 | 2 comments

“We’ll let you do the leg work, Australia. But then we’re totally stealing your idea.”

~America

Every American child had a series of obsessions growing up. For children born in the 80’s, it started off with Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. But once that began to fade away, American children focus their interests on Dinosaurs before finally settling on the most badass, expansive area of the Universe which America purchased from the Galaxy Indians for a crate of Legos.

That’s right, outer space is the final frontier, and one of the most impressive things that America has learned how to side-saddle. But despite our rich history of kicking space’s ass and shoving it down Russia’s throat, we’ve never managed to drink a beer in space.

Until now.

And while it’s an Australian company, not America, that is developing a beer to drink on a flight to space in 2013, we know it’s just a matter of time before America grabs onto this idea. Also, you know that Americans are going to be the main ones taking advantage of it. And since we like to be trendsetters, you know we’ve started saving up our $95,000 to take advantage of this opportunity as soon as we can. But until then, we humbly present…

AFFotD News Item of the Month: Beer…IN SPACE!

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Posted in Beer!

Tagged America, Beer, NASA, Space, Space Beer

The Informative American Presents: Re-Cycling or Re-Sickle-ing? A Terrifying Look At The Latest Communist Plot (Originally Published June 1955)

Posted on January 4, 2012 | 1 comment

“Just add it to the book burning pile.”

~1950’s Streets and Sanitation Director

Frequent visitors to this site are no doubt aware of our 1950’s archives, back when our publication was printed (on paper and everything) in a bi-weekly brochure entitled “The Informative American.” While the current reader might find some of the opinions that were expressed 60 years ago “antiquated” or “downright offensive” we still enjoy letting you see how far we’ve come (while occasionally distancing ourselves from certain more “racist” or “misogynistic” points).

But every once and a while, we find something that still holds true to how we feel today. Granted, usually there’s more xenophobia and hatred of Russians thrown in there, but apart from the crude descriptions of the office’s secretaries at the time being unnecessarily thrown in there, we generally agree with the points that The Informative American was trying to make.

Recycling is one of those areas.

Listen, recycling firmly goes against our firmly entrenched “Fuck Nature” policy. It requires taking “initiative” to “save the Earth” and honestly everything except for tin cans uses up more resources and energy than it saves. But in 1955, when “recycling” was just a whisper in the air, a rancid rumor in the wind, a third expression referencing weather patterns, The Informative American was there, ready to fight this policy before it even became established.

Because fuck nature.

The Informative American Presents: Re-Cycling or Re-Sickle-ing? A Terrifying Look At The Latest Communist Plot (Originally Published June 1955)

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Eastward Bound: A Road Trip Through America’s Heartland

Posted on January 3, 2012 | Leave a comment

“Mister, who are you? Where’s our mommy? We’re scared.”

~Oh shit, this isn’t our car

A while back, we showed you the Midwest of America through a drunken Road Trip filled with giant, oversized objects that were made by small towns for reasons that we can’t explain without having high concentrations of pesticides in our lungs. So when we decided that we should focus on some other states in the nation, since apparently this nation’s pretty fucking huge. So, we decided to start things off in Tennessee. If you read that last sentence and thought, “Huh, I wonder where in Tennessee they would start off?” we guess we haven’t properly introduced ourselves. Hello, we’re AFFotD, if you came here because you googled the phrase “How to Tie a bowtie” we have some bad news for you. For the rest of you, we’re sure you’ve already shouted, “Knock it off with the fluff exposition, we know goddamn well you went to the Jack Daniels distillery.”

Of course we did. Of course we did. So how we woke up in Powell, Tennessee with a stolen car and a taste in our mouth that reminds us that it’s still legal to smoke in the bars down here, which is as good of a time as any to begin…

Eastward Bound: A Road Trip Through America’s Heartland

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Posted in American Road Trips

Tagged America, Coal House, Road Trip

American Patent Holders (Who Are Absolutely Going To Kidnap You)

Posted on January 2, 2012 | Leave a comment

“*dials phone number, pauses, heavy breathing, hangs up*”

~U.S. Patent Holders

Spending 1500 words warning the American public about the insane and evil intentions of America’s craziest patent holders is a lot like warning you about that drifter you hit with your car a few months back- no matter how hard we try to caution you, it won’t do any good because LOOK OUT HE’S RIGHT BEHIND YOU!

So yes, we’ve time and time again warned you of the ultimate insanity behind a vast array of American patents. A toilet seat you attach to the back of your car? Yeah, that’s a thing. A leash for your pet snake to wear? Yup, patented. An hour and a half piece of entertainment that acts as a vessel to steal your soul, dreams, and sense of humor? Well, no one patented Jack and Jill, but you get the idea.

However, in today’s Patents segment, we’re planning on doing things a little bit differently. We’re not going to just show you strange patents (though, seriously, look at that picture up there. A dog scuba tank? That’s fucking baller). Instead, we are here as a public service announcement, since we will give you a list of…

American Patent Holders (Who Are Absolutely Going To Kidnap You)