Jack Kerouac Drank Himself to Death

Posted on January 13, 2012 | 8 comments

“Jack Kerouac drank himself to death, and I just ain’t that high.”

~Craig Finn

We don’t talk about American writers too often because, well to be honest, a distressingly high percentage of our staff has never read anything longer than a Jack Daniels label.  Yes, we rocked you some Ernest Hemingway knowledge way back when, but come on.  Look at the guy.  Doesn’t Hemingway look like the type of man whose ghost you’d not want to piss off?

That being said, there is one writer in particular who was badass enough that he was able to warrant his own fun fact even though our 1950’s predecessors virulently hated the social group he inspired.  A man who didn’t so much “write books” as he did “describe his drug and booze fueled crime sprees.”  A true American who drank so much his stomach exploded.

This man, of course, is Jack Kerouac.
 

“Fuck you, literature, here’s some Kerouac coming right atchya.”

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What America is Eating (Fat Fat Fatty!)

Posted on January 12, 2012 | Leave a comment

“*Disconcerting gurgling noise*”

~America’s Belly

Did you know that America loves to eat?  Haha, trick question, any true American has the answer “yes” engraved to their souls, and everyone who spent a moment pondering that just got brutally mugged by thieves who decided to take advantage of the distraction.  The only reason California eats healthy food is to trick other countries in thinking that at least some of us are healthy, and even they have to deal with In-N-Out burgers to distract them.  But how much exactly do your typical Americans eat?

Well, about a ton a year.  Yes, we’re serious.

Let’s take a look at…

What America is Eating (Fat Fat Fatty!)

 

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Culture War 2: AFFotD Takes on France’s Only Good Idea Ever

Posted on January 11, 2012 | 1 comment

“RAGE STROKE!”

~Johnny Roosevelt

Comparing America to France is like comparing a Filet Mignon to a country that no one likes.  There’s a reason why food critics write for different types of websites than people who are trying to teach you how to set up a compost pile.  France is a piece of shit, is what we’re trying to say.  But every once and a while, even a terrible, terrible nation like France can do something that makes us, well, envious.  And when that happens, it puts us in a psychological shame spiral that inevitably leads to driving a few cars through convenience store walls to steal massive amounts of 40s.

This is one of those times.  Stay away from any of the 7-Elevens in your neighborhood that sell liquor, because take a look at what we found that the French are selling.

IT’S A DARTH VADER BURGER WITH AN ENTIRELY BLACK BUN!  GODDAMN IT FRANCE!  IT’S ON!

IT’S ON!

Culture War 2:  AFFotD Takes on France’s Only Good Idea Ever

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Tim Tebow Walks With God (And does a mean Auguste Rodin impression)

Posted on January 10, 2012 | Leave a comment

“Tim Tebow walks with God.”

~This fucker

 

We here at AFFotD try to stay topical, but it’s often a losing battle.  Sure every once and a while we can touch on Charlie Sheen or Osama Bin Laden, but mostly we focus on events that don’t have a particular timeline to them.  Everyone knows that whiskey is delicious, and the fact that Ulysses S. Grant was immune to bullets while inebriated doesn’t magically become “not fact” weeks or months down the line.  Our articles are a lot like Twinkies- if you knew what went into them it’d haunt your nightmares forever, but at least you know it’ll never go stale.

Not so with this article.  If most of our entries are Twinkies, this one is like, a tub of ice cream being left open in the sun.  If that tub of ice cream was really religious and the sun for some reason let it throw touchdown passes despite being a terrible Quarterback.  That metaphor didn’t really work, but if we’ve learned anything from the events of the NFL playoffs this past weekend, it’s that talent isn’t a requisite for winning. Looks like Charlie Sheen was right after all.  TEBOW TIME!

Tim Tebow Walks With God (And does a mean Auguste Rodin impression)

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AFFotD News Item of the Month: The World’s Most Expensive Scotch

Posted on January 9, 2012 | Leave a comment

 “I only got two speeds- drunk and dead.”

~Jack Kerouac

We’ve previously discussed liquor that sells for inordinate amounts of money.  And we’ve talked about how it’s conflicting, since you can spend that money on things like, much more booze.  And sure, in the case of the 45 year old Chivas, the Scotch was being sold for $200,000 largely because the bottle was balls expensive.  And in retrospect, that’s a huge waste.  If you’re spending a fuckton of money for booze, you’d better make sure the booze is what’s worth it.

If we were paying thousands of dollars for a bottle of liquor, we’d almost prefer that it come in a ziplock bag, just so we can know that we’re not paying any markup for a diamond studded bottle or anything.  Which is why we’re here to bring your attention to the most expensive bottle of scotch ever sold in an auction (held in just a normal glass bottle) in 2012’s first…

AFFotD News Item of the Month:  The World’s Most Expensive Scotch

 

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America Fun Fact of the Day 1/8- January 8th in American History

Posted on January 8, 2012 | Leave a comment

“Hangover?  I hardly even KNOW her!”

~Ha

It’s the year of the Mayans, which means we have less than a year until some sort of space planet eats our magnetic poles with an asteroid or something.  But look on the bright side- if the world ends in December, you don’t have to worry about liver disease!  We’re drunk right now, is what we’re trying to say.  Onto the history!

Today’s Date in American History

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America Fun Fact of the Day 1/7- January 7th in American History

Posted on January 7, 2012 | Leave a comment

“Heh.  Fatty.”

~You, you judgemental asshole

It’s Saturday, it’s winter.  So we’re going to post a random picture.  But we’re going to do one that makes you feel warm.  Oh and it’ll also emphasize how America has a lot of skinny women in skimpy clothing, but even more comically fat people.

Have a great weekend, everyone.

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AFFotD Presents: America’s Dumbest Political Parties (of America!)

Posted on January 6, 2012 | Leave a comment

“Ain’t no party like a Communist party ‘cause a Communist party don’t stop.”

~DJ “Krazy” Karl Marx

American Politics are a lot like a Tijuana Donkey Show.  People get strangely excited about it, but the end result always ends up being incredibly messy while filling everyone involved with a profound sense of shame.  No matter what political party you endorse,  more often than not it’s going to center around an aggressively idealistic narcissist surrounding him or herself with a murder of hyper-educated, over-qualified, over-worked younger workers.  It’s not a question of Republican and Democrat, politics on both sides show people practically killing themselves with grueling schedules and illegitimate children extended time away from their families to get into a game that doesn’t even pay that much more than the starting salary for an attorney.

But, no matter what, if you’re a member of one of the major political parties, you have both an established political legitimacy, as well as a reason to get into surprisingly hostile arguments with strangers that have any differing views.  That’s the nature of US Politics.

“Well I think that municipal elections for waste management officials should be held every THREE years, jackass!”

But hidden in all the partisan turmoil, a simple truth remains about American politics- this nation is filled with absolutely absurd political parties, most of them hidden under the blanket of obscurity and, again, just plain idiocy, because who in their right mind is going to want to join a political party that’s only platform is “vaccines are giving our kids Autism”?

Well, The Canary Party, evidently, which is just one of many miniscule Political entities you’re going to hear about today in…

AFFotD Presents:  America’s Dumbest Political Parties (of America!)

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AFFotD News Item of the Month: Beer…IN SPACE!

Posted on January 5, 2012 | 2 comments

“We’ll let you do the leg work, Australia. But then we’re totally stealing your idea.”

~America

Every American child had a series of obsessions growing up.  For children born in the 80’s, it started off with Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.  But once that began to fade away, American children focus their interests on Dinosaurs before finally settling on the most badass, expansive area of the Universe which America purchased from the Galaxy Indians for a crate of Legos.

That’s right, outer space is the final frontier, and one of the most impressive things that America has learned how to side-saddle.  But despite our rich history of kicking space’s ass and  shoving it down Russia’s throat, we’ve never managed to drink a beer in space.

Until now.

And while it’s an Australian company, not America, that is developing a beer to drink on a flight to space in 2013, we know it’s just a matter of time before America grabs onto this idea.  Also, you know that Americans are going to be the main ones taking advantage of it.  And since we like to be trendsetters, you know we’ve started saving up our $95,000 to take advantage of this opportunity as soon as we can.  But until then, we humbly present…

AFFotD News Item of the Month: Beer…IN SPACE!

 

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The Informative American Presents: Re-Cycling or Re-Sickle-ing? A Terrifying Look At The Latest Communist Plot (Originally Published June 1955)

Posted on January 4, 2012 | 1 comment

“Just add it to the book burning pile.”

~1950’s Streets and Sanitation Director

Frequent visitors to this site are no doubt aware of our 1950’s archives, back when our publication was printed (on paper and everything) in a bi-weekly brochure entitled “The Informative American.”  While the current reader might find some of the opinions that were expressed 60 years ago “antiquated” or “downright offensive” we still enjoy letting you see how far we’ve come (while occasionally distancing ourselves from certain more “racist” or “misogynistic” points).

But every once and a while, we find something that still holds true to how we feel today.  Granted, usually there’s more xenophobia and hatred of Russians thrown in there, but apart from the crude descriptions of the office’s secretaries at the time being unnecessarily thrown in there, we generally agree with the points that The Informative American was trying to make.

Recycling is one of those areas.

Listen, recycling firmly goes against our firmly entrenched “Fuck Nature” policy.  It requires taking “initiative” to “save the Earth” and honestly everything except for tin cans uses up more resources and energy than it saves.  But in 1955, when “recycling” was just a whisper in the air, a rancid rumor in the wind, a third expression referencing weather patterns, The Informative American was there, ready to fight this policy before it even became established.

Because fuck nature.

The Informative American Presents:  Re-Cycling or Re-Sickle-ing?  A Terrifying Look At The Latest Communist Plot (Originally Published June 1955)

 

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Posted in The Informative American