Category Archives: Strange Foods

America loves food. We love it so much. But sometimes, strange and terrifying things happen in the culinary process, because you always hurt the ones you love.

More of America’s Strangest Coffee Flavors

Posted on May 24, 2012 | 2 comments

“Coffee coffee coffee coffee?”

~Coffee coffee

 

As we’ve described in detail earlier, America loves coffee as it is, but that doesn’t mean we’re above making it taste like insane combinations of flavors, like coconut lime jalapeno, or like black velvet cognac.  Most people like coffee, because it’s a drug, but some people don’t like the taste of coffee, because it’s the bitter bi-product of forcing boiling water through burned and crushed beans.  Either way, coffee is one of the things that keeps America humming like a well drugged machine (at least until they legalize Cocaine again), and the only thing more American than coffee is America’s ability to make coffee that tricks you into thinking its cake.

Because cake is delicious, but cake that wakes you up in the morning is even more delicious.  And cake that wakes you up in the morning that tastes better when you pour whiskey in it is themost delicious.

(We’re assuming that the only reason why Americans drink coffee is to give them a convenient place to empty their morning flask of whiskeys.)

Anyway, once again, it’s time for AFFotD to count through…

More of America’s Strangest Coffee Flavors

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The Strangest Pizza Hut Menu Items In The World

Posted on May 1, 2012 | 15 comments

“Pizza Hut:  Taste The Rainbow!”

~Okay, you got us, we’re not particularly knowledgeable about advertising slogans

Pizza chains are a staple of American society.  They give us the ability to not have to leave the house when the game is on and we’re “legally” too day-drunk to drive, they afford us a convenient, no-silverware way to jam as much sodium and grease-based calories into our systems as humanly possible, and most of all, well, pizza is just fucking delicious.  And while Papa Johns might earn our favor by using the Super Bowl as an excuse to give you free pizza, and Domino’s is doing its best to stop people from calling everything “artisanal,” Pizza Hut will always hold the crown as America’s leaders in cheese stuffed saucy goodness.

Yes, Pizza Hut has been stuffing our gullets since 1958, and ever since has innovated how we look at pizza, from the stuffed crust pizza to the stuffed TOPPING pizza.  As Pizza Hut has become bigger and more international, however, they have expanded their menus to accommodate non-American tastes.  While sometimes this involves pizza products that we wish they sold here in America, more often than not, these new international Pizza Hut dishes involve terrifying reminders of why every other nation except for America (and, we guess, some of those Europe countries) considers food preparation as a challenge to see who can offend God’s culinary sensibilities the most.  Hint, it’s probably going to end up being Japan.

It’s always Japan.

The Strangest Pizza Hut Menu Items In The World

 

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Space Food in America

Posted on March 8, 2012 | 1 comment

“I will punch you in the goddamn face if you besmirch Astronaut Ice Cream.”

~Buzz Aldrin

While Russia may have been the first country to stick their dirty, probably frostbitten, grubby little fingers into the great pool of outer space, but America was the country that blindly cannonballed in there as we made it our bitch.  Take that, comrades, how’s never going to the moon feel?  Pretty shitty, huh?

While we might only now be finally catching up to the American dream of drinking a beer in space, we realized pretty early on in the game that it was important for us to feed our astronauts.  So, of course, Americans have spent decades researching and determining what a select few can eat when they are floating in a tin can far above the world.  Yes, this mental energy could have been spent on trivial things like “curing cancer” or “inventing a mayonnaise that won’t make bread soggy if it’s stored overnight” but, nope, we had to feed 500 people over a 50 year period.  Damn straight we did!  Astronauts get swag, you should know this by now.  That’s why we’re here to present…

The American History of Space Food

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The Strangest Coffee Flavors in America

Posted on January 26, 2012 | 4 comments

“Coffee coffee coffee coffee.”

~So-called “morning people”

People like to say that coffee is the most consumed drug in America, which is part of the reason why most heroin users think the rest of us are giant pussies.  Calling coffee a drug is like calling hamburgers a serial killer.  You can stretch the definition enough for it to be technically true, but everyone is still going to roll their eyes at you.  Yeah, it’s addictive, but so is pornography, and people don’t call that a drug.  So ease up, okay?

Yes, coffee is an integral part of the American office experience, and if it didn’t exist our nation’s productivity would slow to a crawl (unless cocaine started to become big again).  But some people might not like the taste of coffee, and filling your caffeine delivery system with sugar and cream might get boring after a while.

So how would a non-coffee drinking American overcome this hurdle?  How can they get the necessary caffeine to get them through the day if they don’t like the glorious bitterness that is a freshly brewed cup of coffee?  Do they drink tea?  Do they try cutting down on their caffeine intake, instead just getting through the day on their own natural energy afforded them through a combination of a healthy diet and good sleeping habits?

Fuck that, let’s just make coffee that doesn’t taste like coffee!

The Strangest Coffee Flavors in America

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What America is Eating (Fat Fat Fatty!)

Posted on January 12, 2012 | Leave a comment

“*Disconcerting gurgling noise*”

~America’s Belly

Did you know that America loves to eat?  Haha, trick question, any true American has the answer “yes” engraved to their souls, and everyone who spent a moment pondering that just got brutally mugged by thieves who decided to take advantage of the distraction.  The only reason California eats healthy food is to trick other countries in thinking that at least some of us are healthy, and even they have to deal with In-N-Out burgers to distract them.  But how much exactly do your typical Americans eat?

Well, about a ton a year.  Yes, we’re serious.

Let’s take a look at…

What America is Eating (Fat Fat Fatty!)

 

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AFFotD’s News Item of the Month: America’s Meat Vending Machine

Posted on November 18, 2011 | Leave a comment

“Oh great, we’re giving the machines fucking knives now?”

~John Connor

As Americans, we’re better than most people at just about everything, though Japan has us edged out in the “being weird” categories.  For the longest time, Japan took their “being weird” expertise and used them to perfect the art of the Vending Machine.  While Americans use vending machines for their fatty snacks, sugary drinks, and cancery-y cigarettes, Japan took one look at the concept and thought to themselves, “panties.”

And since vending machines with soiled panties isn’t quite Japanese enough, they decided to add vending machines that sell lobsters, eggs, porn and, fuck it, cars.  Japan overreacted to us coming up with the idea of vending machines like we overreacted to Pearl Harbor by using Little Boy.

But, in our own small way, we may have finally caught up to the Japanese in the vending machine field.  You could even say we’ve outdone them.  It’s all part of this month’s…

AFFotD’s News Item of the Month:  America’s Meat Vending Machine

 

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MREs Will Outlast Anything in Your Kitchen

Posted on November 14, 2011 | 3 comments

“Magic, science, magic, science, tomato paste.”

~Military scientists


America loves to eat what their heroes eat.  What’s the point of living in a Capitalistic society if you can’t buy the food that astronauts eat?  And while you can’t go out and purchase a “Firefighter’s Dinner” you can purchase a bottle of American Honey and drink it in your office’s broom closet at ten in the morning.  Which is why it is surprising that, of the various ways we can force our children to emulate our most American professions, you have to go on ebay if you want to buy our soldiers’ Field Rations.

Yes, MREs (Meal, Ready-to-Eat) have been around since 1981, and while some 99% of our population will never get to try them, we’ve spent more time and money perfecting these culinary taunting of the laws of physics than we did trying to make a pen that can write in space.

We normally would find these practically indestructible edibles pretty American on their own right, but it wasn’t until reading this article describing the Army’s efforts to create caffeinated beef jerky that we decided to have MREs jump the queue and get their own, personal Fun Fact.

MREs Will Outlast Anything in Your Kitchen

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America’s Strangest (And Greatest) Bacon Flavored Products

Posted on October 11, 2011 | 5 comments

“Goddamn it, you’re right.  I AM delicious.”

~A pig


When someone goes up to you and asks, “What is the most American breakfast food imaginable” you’re never able to respond because your mouth is jammed full of delicious bacon.  To say that America is obsessed with bacon is like saying that John Hinckley, Jr. only had a “small crush” on Jodie Foster.  Whenever there’s a heart attack in America, the Bacon Council smiles wryly and adds a tally to a list somewhere.  Hell, there’s a group about bacon as a religion on facebook.  We love bacon because, unsurprisingly, America does bacon different and better than every other nation.

While bacon in itself is simply a cut of pork that’s been cured (usually in brine), many nations use “leaner” cuts of meat for their bacon, where America says “fuck it, what’s the fattiest part of a pig?  The pig belly?  Makes sense, let’s use that shit then.”  This is why English or Canadian bacon is nothing more than a salty pork chop, while American bacon is a glorious piece of art streaked with more fat than a bar of soap made in Fight Club.

“I don’t know, I’m partial to crispy myself.”

And while bacon deserves its own Fun Fact, we here at AFFotD feel impelled to talk about a phenomenon more specifically American than bacon itself.  We of course are referring to the American habit to make everything taste like bacon.  It’s the greatest thing to happen to capitalism since factories.  Every day, an executive says, “Let’s flavor this like bacon,” and when a subordinate asks, “why bacon?” he responds, “Because fuck you, you’re fired, bacon is delicious.”

It most certainly is.  With that in mind, we’re here to present you with…

America’s Strangest (And Greatest) Bacon Flavored Products

 

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How to Eat Lion Meat

Posted on March 4, 2011 | 1 comment

“Of course there’s a quote about me describing the taste of Lion meat.  I’m Ernest Fucking Hemingway”

~Ernest “Fucking” Hemingway

Typically, news outlets enjoy blowing stories out of proportion if they feel they’ve stumbled upon a particularly juicy tidbit of information.  Much like a 7th grade cabal of gossipy girls, they employ the “he told me that she told me that he wants to” methods of knowledge transference.  “Jimmy’s sister told Obama’s Press Secretary told a New York Times Reporter told The Associated Press that Nancy Pelosi totally shook hands with John Edwards OMG!”  Sensationalism sells.  And one particular hot topic appears to be the consumption of a meat that we at the AFFotD want to try, just because we’re pretty sure it will give us powers.  But apparently mentioning it as a consumable food is enough to warrant death threats and the ire of a whole slew of the population.

And really, we must ask.  What the hell is wrong with wanting to eat some goddamn lion meat?

It’s either us or them…

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