Category Archives: America’s Culinary Treats

Did you know that the average American woman weighs 163 pounds, while the average American man weighs 190? It’s true. What does that tell us? Clearly some of you are holding us back, you skinny bastards. That’s why we at AFFotD present you with this list of foods which are delicious, American, and amazingly unhealthy. If we all work together, we can bring the average weight of an American above the Mendoza line! Get to reading, get to eating.

The World’s Most Expensive Pizzas

Posted on August 29, 2012 | 7 comments

“Pizza pizza, go in my tummy, me so hungie, me so hungie.”

 ~The Worst

While America can’t lay claim to the invention of pizza, we certainly eat it better than anyone else.  Pizza has become an integral dietary requirement of drunks and stoners alike, and even if Pizza Hut gets a little weird with it overseas, it is a simple yet effective grease-delivery advice.  At its core, pizza is just bread, cheese, sauce, and whatever topping you want to choose in order to start arguments with the coworkers who are also stuck working late with you.

Of course, people say the same thing about hamburgers, and look what rich people have done to that.  That’s right, America, it’s time to take out your monocles, practice your best “Character from Monopoly” accent, and try to contain your natural inclinations to begin a class war, as we present you with…

The World’s Most Expensive Pizzas

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America’s Fried Foods: Part 6

Posted on August 16, 2012 | Leave a comment

“Okay, okay, cool it with the fried foods, my…my chest, my chest hurts, it really hurts…”

~AFFotD Food Critic, John Goodman

We’ve made it a habit to go out of our way to tell you about fried foods that most people would consider “impossible” or “an abomination” or “as a professional cardiologist, I think it is criminally irresponsible for you to be consuming this much fried food.”  That’s because as soon as we tell you about a new, insane fried food (fried beer, anyone?) some glorious American decides to fry something even more insane (like, say, a frozen margarita).

This is called capitalism (also obesity) and it is the reason why this country is great.  It’s with that spirit in mind that we present to you even more American glory, with…

America’s Fried Foods:  Part 6

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America’s Most Expensive Hamburgers

Posted on July 18, 2012 | 7 comments

“Can’t you just buy 600 McDoubles and a follow up quadruple bi-pass instead?”

~AFFotD Food Critic, John Goodman

Americans love hamburgers.  It’s less costly and far more portable than steak, and it’s one of the most convenient ways to cram red meat into your colon that’ll never go away.  They’re also delicious and unhealthy and we said that already.  Of course, the reason why we eat a hamburger instead of ordering a steak is that it’s typically much cheaper to get a nice quality burger as opposed to a delicious un-ground-up chunk of animal meat.   

However, as much as America loves economic gluttony, we also love rubbing our excess wealth in the faces of everyone less fortunate than us.  Similarly to why Ron Jeremy chose a profession where he could allow as many people as possible to see his penis, many of America’s elite like to order food that reminds you that no matter how hard you studied for that Philosophy degree from one of the nation’s top universities, none of it did anything to help you earn that 15% tip they’re about to leave you that should be able to cover this month’s rent.

Sure, you can spend two dollars to stuff a McChicken inside of a McDouble, but why not show off your American know-how by ordering a hamburger that’ll cost as much as the inevitable doctor’s appointment you’d have to book after your encounter with the McGangbang?  That’s why we’re here to present you with a not-particularly-exhaustive-because-we’re-honestly-super-hungover-right-now list of…

America’s Most Expensive Hamburgers

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Posted in Hot Dogs, Hamburgers, Steaks

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AFFotD Reviews The Five Ethnic Foods That Were Invented In America

Posted on July 10, 2012 | Leave a comment

“…YOINK!”

~American Chefs

We’re all familiar with the term “Ethnic food.”  It’s an easy, catch-all phrase that we tend to interpret as “shouldn’t your drunk ass be reaching for something American like a hamburger instead?”  Chinese Food, Mexican Food, other foods that tend not to be open as late or taste as delicious when drunk so we’re not even going to bother to list them, yes all of these are foods of foreign nations that America has begrudgingly accepted with open, inebriated arms.

Of course, the popularity of Ethnic Food would make us a little upset at the lack of Americans preferring to eat steaks with an American Flag tastefully branded into it during the cooking process if it weren’t for one surprising fact.  Most of the best Ethnic Food isn’t Ethnic at all.  It was invented right here, in the USA.

That’s right.  If this list from Mental Floss is to be believed, any unhealthy food you can do, we can do better.  So what else can we do but go through each American invented “ethnic” dish and discuss how American it was for us to hijack their cuisine and put our MSG loving paws on it.

AFFotD Reviews The Five Ethnic Foods That Were Invented In America

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America’s Most Insane Fried Foods: Part 5

Posted on June 28, 2012 | 2 comments

“MOAR!  GODDAMN IT I SAID MOAR!”

~AFFotD Food Critic, John Goodman

As we’ve mentioned time and time and time again, America loves Fried Food even more than we love Hulk Hogan, and don’t get us started about how much America loves the Hulkster.  The moment you choose to fry a food, you make it unhealthy and therefore delicious, and anytime someone says, “I don’t think you can deep fry that” they are automatically deported back to France and are placed in forced mime labor camps, where they must spend their days wearing white face makeup while they pretend to break and move boulders while trapped inside invisible boxes.  And they totally deserve their fate—when someone asks you if you would eat a deep fried sports car, the correct answer is, “Holy shit, where can I find that!” not “Uh, no, you…you realize that our bodies can’t consume metal, no matter what you do to it, right?”

And as summer approaches, so does State Fair season, which is that magical time of year where aspiring fry chefs look to get middle America as fat as possible without causing their hearts to explode, like some obesity version of Jenga (once things start wobbling you have to wait for it to settle before finishing the piece).  So in that fine American tradition, we are here to clue you in on even more fried foods created to take you that one step closer to just giving up and intravenously pumping melted butter into your arteries between meals.

America’s Most Insane Fried Foods:  Part 5

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More of America’s Strangest Coffee Flavors

Posted on May 24, 2012 | 2 comments

“Coffee coffee coffee coffee?”

~Coffee coffee

 

As we’ve described in detail earlier, America loves coffee as it is, but that doesn’t mean we’re above making it taste like insane combinations of flavors, like coconut lime jalapeno, or like black velvet cognac.  Most people like coffee, because it’s a drug, but some people don’t like the taste of coffee, because it’s the bitter bi-product of forcing boiling water through burned and crushed beans.  Either way, coffee is one of the things that keeps America humming like a well drugged machine (at least until they legalize Cocaine again), and the only thing more American than coffee is America’s ability to make coffee that tricks you into thinking its cake.

Because cake is delicious, but cake that wakes you up in the morning is even more delicious.  And cake that wakes you up in the morning that tastes better when you pour whiskey in it is themost delicious.

(We’re assuming that the only reason why Americans drink coffee is to give them a convenient place to empty their morning flask of whiskeys.)

Anyway, once again, it’s time for AFFotD to count through…

More of America’s Strangest Coffee Flavors

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The Strangest Pizza Hut Menu Items In The World

Posted on May 1, 2012 | 15 comments

“Pizza Hut:  Taste The Rainbow!”

~Okay, you got us, we’re not particularly knowledgeable about advertising slogans

Pizza chains are a staple of American society.  They give us the ability to not have to leave the house when the game is on and we’re “legally” too day-drunk to drive, they afford us a convenient, no-silverware way to jam as much sodium and grease-based calories into our systems as humanly possible, and most of all, well, pizza is just fucking delicious.  And while Papa Johns might earn our favor by using the Super Bowl as an excuse to give you free pizza, and Domino’s is doing its best to stop people from calling everything “artisanal,” Pizza Hut will always hold the crown as America’s leaders in cheese stuffed saucy goodness.

Yes, Pizza Hut has been stuffing our gullets since 1958, and ever since has innovated how we look at pizza, from the stuffed crust pizza to the stuffed TOPPING pizza.  As Pizza Hut has become bigger and more international, however, they have expanded their menus to accommodate non-American tastes.  While sometimes this involves pizza products that we wish they sold here in America, more often than not, these new international Pizza Hut dishes involve terrifying reminders of why every other nation except for America (and, we guess, some of those Europe countries) considers food preparation as a challenge to see who can offend God’s culinary sensibilities the most.  Hint, it’s probably going to end up being Japan.

It’s always Japan.

The Strangest Pizza Hut Menu Items In The World

 

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England’s Hot Dog Stuff Pizza: Would You Like a Side of Nitrates With That?

Posted on April 12, 2012 | 3 comments

“What…no.  How?”

~AFFotD Food Critic, John Goodman

Every so often our readers will alert us to something that deserves the attention of the average American.  This can be an article, a Wikipedia entry of some sort, or one time it was just a piece of parchment with the words “I love you Jodie” scribbled over and over in blood.  Seriously, John, get over it, she’s not even into dudes.

What we’re trying to say is, sometimes we’re given an article that says, in its headline, everything we would be able to say on the topic.  But does that stop us from going ahead and writing on that topic anyway?  No, of course not, this is America, to us redundancy is just a word that we don’t understand because it has more than three syllables in it (is it, like, a type of cheese?)

The article in question comes from Gizmodo, and states succinctly, “I can’t believe this hot dog stuffed crust pizza isn’t American.”  We can’t either, Gizmodo.  But now we need to know everything that we could possible know about…

England’s Hot Dog Stuff Pizza:  Would You Like a Side of Nitrates With That?

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The American History of Breakfast Cereals

Posted on April 3, 2012 | Leave a comment

“I’m cuckoo for catchphrases!”

~American cereal executives

America doesn’t like to eat food that came from the ground.  The only use we have for grains is if we want something to rest the cheese and sauce of our pizza on, or if we want to burn it into a vapor and distill it into sweet, sweet alcohol.  Yet, despite our dislike of grains, America has found some of the most innovative uses for things such as wheat, corn, and barley.  No, we’re not talking about ethanol and alternative energies, get your head out of your ass, we’re talking about breakfast cereals.  Delicious, sugary, doused in milk cereal.

Cereal is the primary source of hyperactive children and “regular” adults, and it should come as no surprise that a product that can be described as “overly sugared pellet food” was invented in America.  That’s why we’re here to present…

The American History of Breakfast Cereals

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SPAM: Fulfilling Your Daily Value of Sodium since 1937

Posted on March 27, 2012 | 12 comments

“Spammmmmm”

~Monty Python

Humanity’s desire to over-season their food directly led to the discover of America.  So it seems only fitting that Americans everywhere make it a point to inject their foods with enough sodium to make their cardiologists say, “Please, just…stop.”  And when people think of questionable foods that only get their appeal by being the nutritional equivalent of a salt lick, we of course think to the classic American food product and scrambled-eggs-improver, SPAM.

So let’s focus less on the sizzle and more on the chopped pork shoulder meat steak with this American salute to…

SPAM:  Fulfilling Your Daily Value of Sodium since 1937

 

And “Crazy Tasty” for that brief period in the 1990’s where you could get away with saying “Crazy Tasty.”

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