Category Archives: American Heroes

America is filled with everyday heroes who help make this country great. By reading America Fun Fact of the Day, you’ve proven that you yourself are also an American hero. And we salute you.

But there’s no way in hell we’re going to salute you by making a fun fact about you, since this page is reserved for REAL heroes. You know, the people who are important enough to get wikipedia pages and such.

Alvin C. York: The Rambo of World War I

Posted on March 13, 2012 | Leave a comment

“Okay, you got me, I might not be 100% on the definition of ‘pacifist.’”

~Alvin York

If there’s one thing to learn from the respective budgets and box office grosses of Terminator compared to Terminator 2: Judgment Day, it’s that sometimes the sequel is going to get more press than the original.  Such was the case with the World Wars.  While World War I was a massively horrific war, with over 15 million deaths, it tends to get overshadowed by World War II (which killed off 2.5% of the freaking world’s population).  So when we hear war stories, there tends to be a focus on the “Teddy Roosevelt’s son storming Normandy” and less on the “holy shit there were battles in World War I with nearly two million casualties” side of things.

But while World War II made for more daring tales of American badassery, we wouldn’t be doing our nation’s history justice without mentioning one of the arguably most famous American veterans of World War I.  That would be Alvin C. York, the former (boo) alcoholic (yay!) Sergeant who ended up being one of the most decorated American soldiers in the whole war.  Because while he considered himself a man of peace, as you can clearly tell, his moustache alone could clear an enemy machine gun nest.

That’s why we’re here to salute…

Alvin C. York:  The Rambo of World War

Boom.  Ladies, if you just stared into the eyes of this picture, you are now six months pregnant. 

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Jay Leone: 90-Year-Old Gunfighter/Badass

Posted on March 2, 2012 | 2 comments

“Fuck you, you son of a bitch, now it’s my turn.”

~Jay Leone, 90-year-old American (seriously)

When people ask our staff what we’re going to be when we hit 90,  before we get a chance to say anything they answer for us by saying, “celebrating the 30th anniversary of our fatal liver failure.”  Ha.  Zing.  Our lifestyle is not particularly sustainable.

But even the most genetically superior Americans amongst our staff would have to admit that we’d have nothing on Greenbrae, California resident and former Sheriff’s deputy, Jay Leone.  That’s why we’re here with another AFFotD News Item of the Month, to tell you the story of…

Jay Leone: 90-year-old gunfighter/badass

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The Top 10 American Athletes (Determined By Someone Other Than AFFotD)

Posted on January 20, 2012 | Leave a comment

“Get your shit together, ESPN.”

~AFFotD Research staff

Because we are American, and have the appropriately diverse staff that is 50% male and 25% females that are cool and like sports and junk, we clearly needs sports as a way to escape the soul crushing frozen darkness that is American winter (shut up California, stop bragging).  We’re so desperate for an impressive athlete that even today, when you make a joke about Tonya Harding, most people will respond by going, “Whyyyyy?  Whyyyyyy?” (The handful of people who didn’t respond this way replied with “Who?” and “oh you mean that beefy boxing chick?”)

Yes, we like sports.  And we don’t care who knows.  And since we’re still in a bit of a daze as our brain cells recover from the battle field massacre that we call “New Year’s Eve falling on a weekend” we decided we’d do something lazy, like look up someone’s list of the top 10 American athletes and do a quick blurb on why each of them are American.  But when we checked ESPN, we saw that they listed the top 10 North American athletes.  Which shouldn’t’ have been a problem, except they put a goddamn Canadian on the list.  Eww.  Gross.  Eww.

So we found the website Made Men and decided to use their list instead.

The Top 10 American Athletes (Determined By Someone Other Than AFFotD)

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Dogs: Man’s Best Friend, Nature’s Best Frisbee Hunter

Posted on January 19, 2012 | 1 comment

“Dogs make the most loyal of pets and the most ruthless killers of Nazis.”

~General George S. Patton [citation needed]

Easy question time- what is man’s best friend?  If you answered “The darkness” then get the fuck out of here Rembrant, how the hell did you get out of your restraints?  If you answered “My cat can spell out words using spaghetti-o’s” then we’ve been meaning to tell you, local ordinances says you’re not allowed to have 15 cats in your apartment.  You’re not.  What the hell would you do with 15 cats unless you were forming an army to fight laser beams and pieces of yarn?  Guys, come on, the answer is dog.  That’s rookie.  It’s written on a plaque on the moon and everything [citation needed].

Okay, so we’re going to be honest here.  You’ve probably heard about how Wikipedia has gone dark to protest SOPA/PIPA.  And yes, that’s sort of harshing our buzz a little.  We’re not saying that we get our information almost exclusively from Wikipedia or anything, but…well it’s the best tool available for a drunk crew of writers.  But we do stand opposed to SOPA, so we’re not going to let us down, especially when we have an important topic to talk about.  So we’re going to tell you about the most American pet in existence, and if there’s any information we’d normally rely on Wikipedia to get, we’ll just fill in the gaps with what we assume has to be factual and give you one of those nifty “[citation needed]” doohickeys.

Dogs.  Known in Latin as “Canineus Awesomesauce” [citation needed], dogs are the only animal that legally is allowed to hold public office [citation needed].  So sit back and wait for your specifically trained doggie butler to fetch you a goddamn scotch and soda (on the ROCKS this time, goddamn it) as we wax poetic about…

Dogs:  Man’s Best Friend, Nature’s Best Frisbee Hunter

 

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Jack Kerouac Drank Himself to Death

Posted on January 13, 2012 | 8 comments

“Jack Kerouac drank himself to death, and I just ain’t that high.”

~Craig Finn

We don’t talk about American writers too often because, well to be honest, a distressingly high percentage of our staff has never read anything longer than a Jack Daniels label.  Yes, we rocked you some Ernest Hemingway knowledge way back when, but come on.  Look at the guy.  Doesn’t Hemingway look like the type of man whose ghost you’d not want to piss off?

That being said, there is one writer in particular who was badass enough that he was able to warrant his own fun fact even though our 1950’s predecessors virulently hated the social group he inspired.  A man who didn’t so much “write books” as he did “describe his drug and booze fueled crime sprees.”  A true American who drank so much his stomach exploded.

This man, of course, is Jack Kerouac.
 

“Fuck you, literature, here’s some Kerouac coming right atchya.”

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Posted in Drinkers, Writers

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Tim Tebow Walks With God (And does a mean Auguste Rodin impression)

Posted on January 10, 2012 | Leave a comment

“Tim Tebow walks with God.”

~This fucker

 

We here at AFFotD try to stay topical, but it’s often a losing battle.  Sure every once and a while we can touch on Charlie Sheen or Osama Bin Laden, but mostly we focus on events that don’t have a particular timeline to them.  Everyone knows that whiskey is delicious, and the fact that Ulysses S. Grant was immune to bullets while inebriated doesn’t magically become “not fact” weeks or months down the line.  Our articles are a lot like Twinkies- if you knew what went into them it’d haunt your nightmares forever, but at least you know it’ll never go stale.

Not so with this article.  If most of our entries are Twinkies, this one is like, a tub of ice cream being left open in the sun.  If that tub of ice cream was really religious and the sun for some reason let it throw touchdown passes despite being a terrible Quarterback.  That metaphor didn’t really work, but if we’ve learned anything from the events of the NFL playoffs this past weekend, it’s that talent isn’t a requisite for winning. Looks like Charlie Sheen was right after all.  TEBOW TIME!

Tim Tebow Walks With God (And does a mean Auguste Rodin impression)

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Anthony Bourdain’s America is Pretty Much AFFotD’s America

Posted on December 8, 2011 | 1 comment

“Fuck no, I’m not foreign, I’m American, you assholes.”

~Anthony Bourdain

We at AFfotD know of a few “celebrity chefs” out there.  Guy Fieri likes to put Jack Daniels on everything, so he’s alright by our book.  Wolfgang Puck speaks with a silly accent, so we hate him.  The same should go for Gordon “fucking” Ramsay, except for the fact that Kitchen Nightmares is brilliant and if we ever said otherwise we suspect that the crazy soccer-playing Scottish bastard would hunt us down and harvest our livers for pate.  And we’re conflicted on Rachael Ray but that’s just because our male staffers have spent the last three years trying to figure out if they find her attractive or not.

One person we never really paid much attention to was Anthony Bourdain.  He has a foreign sounding name, and while he has a popular Food Network TV show, we mainly had heard of him through his best-selling books.  And we at AFFotD never read books unless it tells us to kill Europeans, so even if Wikipedia says that your writing is “peppered with F-words,” sorry Tony, we’re still not going to read it.  But we apparently were foolish in leaving this guy out, because even though we’ll never remember how to spell his name, this Bourbon Bourdain guy.

Because we found this.

That link is a SFW summary of a Playboy interview that Bourdain recently did.  For those of you raising your eyebrows saying, “Oh, sure, your staff was totally just reading Playboy for the articles, italicized sarcasm” we just want to say for the record- our staff members that read Playboy do so solely for the pictures of naked women, this was just an instance where we saw the guy talking smack about Vegans and were suddenly enraptured.  Then we did some digging and found that he’s a hard drinking, chain smoking, former heroin user (we’re not endorsing Heroin by any means, and in no way are we implying that doing Heroin makes you more American…but that being said…Lou Reed, you know?).  To make a long story short, he seemed pretty damn American.

While we won’t go as far as to say he’s American enough for a Fun Fact of his entire life (at least not yet) we’ll at least throw him a bone by giving him one for his awesome views.

Anthony Bourdain’s America is Pretty Much AFFotD’s America

Okay, except for the excessively ripped jeans…

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Wade Boggs Drinks ALL Your Beers

Posted on November 2, 2011 | 1 comment

“It’s Miller Time, motherfuckers.  It’s ALWAYS Miller Time.”

~Wade Boggs


Baseball is America’s pastime in the same way that Bowling is a way of life for rural Midwestern towns.  The actual sport itself depends greatly on everyone else getting drunk.  If you ever had a professional baseball game that didn’t serve beer, Americans would start rioting faster than a bunch of British hooligans after their soccer team gets relegated.  As a result, baseball players themselves have to go out of their way to let you know how American they are.  In a league full of Neifi Perezes, the Babe Ruth-like figures are hard to come by.

Even today’s superstars leave something lacking.  Yes, Derek Jeter was sleeping with Buddy Garrity’s daughter, but wasn’t A-Rod seeing dinosaur-Madonna?  That’s a bad way to go.  Think about that.  The richest baseball player in the history of the game was, at one point, dating…  This.

“EEEEEEYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA”

Fortunately, every once in a while, a true American is born, and instead of deciding to become a fighter pilot or mixologist, he chooses the path of baseball, and figures, if you’re going to do something well, might as well do something drunk.  That man may come along only once in a generation, and our generation’s American baseball hero happens to be Hall of Famer, and Miller Lite enthusiast, Wade Boggs.

Pictured here, during the physical act of lovemaking

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AFFotD Editor-in-Chief Johnny Roosevelt Tries to Buy Domain Names

Posted on November 1, 2011 | Leave a comment

“Purchasing anythingwashington.com can help you become the market leader”

~Fast Moving Domains

There are occasions where people choose to contact AFFotD with compelling American like offers, as opposed to the typical amounts of hate mail.  We know, we’re surprised by it too, if we want to be perfectly honest.  Normally it’s angry Siberians who are pissed off that we wrote that their currency is worth less than McDonald’s napkins.  Or, just, you know.  Greeks.  Lots of Greeks, doesn’t matter what we say, it makes them mad.

Stop being so fiery, Greeks.  We know that’s sort of your thing, but cool it.

So when we got an email about a potential business opportunity, you know we felt like we had to jump on it.

What follows is the various exchanges between our Editor in Chief, Johnny Roosevelt, and Fast Moving Domains, who were attempting to sell us a domain name.  Enjoy.

“Stockphotosofhotchicksonthephone.com is still available for purchase”

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America’s Competitive Beard Growers

Posted on September 20, 2011 | Leave a comment

“This is either gonna get me laid so much, or never.”

~Competitive Beard Grower

 

Many of you are staring at that man pictured above, no doubt muttering to yourself, “Sweet Pigeon-toed Jesus, AFFotD, is that a fucking moose…made out of beard?”

You’re absolutely fucking right it is.  This was the winner of this year’s “best beard” in the World Beard and Mustache Competition.  Yes, it’s real.  Of course America typically dominate the event.  Yes, there’s a reality TV show about it now.

America loves their facial hair, ever since the Civil War taught us how to be absurd with it.  To the point that there are no registered (no, seriously, officially registered) beard clubs in this country.  As in, more than one.  It was only a matter of time before we turned this into a competition where we could kick the world’s ass.  It’s a sport that only requires excessive testosterone, the desire to remain idle, and the ability to avoid getting long hair stuck in machinery.  How could America not be incredible at it, especially when there are entire divisions of competition that encourage you to dress up like a fucking James Bond Supervillain?

It’s like a porno version of Lex Luther.  (Uh…Sex…Dos-Her?)

That is why we’re here to go through the rules, regulations, and American ability to kick ass in Competitive Beard and Mustache Growing.  Because if you didn’t know that was totally a thing before today, you totally want to compete in it now.  And that goes double for the ladies.

This is a different guy than Sex Dos-Her up above, but apparently bald white people with ridiculous facial hair all look alike.

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