“This is either gonna get me laid so much, or never.”
~Competitive Beard Grower
Many of you are staring at that man pictured above, no doubt muttering to yourself, “Sweet Pigeon-toed Jesus, AFFotD, is that a fucking moose…made out of beard?”
You’re absolutely fucking right it is. This was the winner of this year’s “best beard” in the World Beard and Mustache Competition. Yes, it’s real. Of course America typically dominate the event. Yes, there’s a reality TV show about it now.
America loves their facial hair, ever since the Civil War taught us how to be absurd with it. To the point that there are no registered (no, seriously, officially registered) beard clubs in this country. As in, more than one. It was only a matter of time before we turned this into a competition where we could kick the world’s ass. It’s a sport that only requires excessive testosterone, the desire to remain idle, and the ability to avoid getting long hair stuck in machinery. How could America not be incredible at it, especially when there are entire divisions of competition that encourage you to dress up like a fucking James Bond Supervillain?
It’s like a porno version of Lex Luther. (Uh…Sex…Dos-Her?)
That is why we’re here to go through the rules, regulations, and American ability to kick ass in Competitive Beard and Mustache Growing. Because if you didn’t know that was totally a thing before today, you totally want to compete in it now. And that goes double for the ladies.
This is a different guy than Sex Dos-Her up above, but apparently bald white people with ridiculous facial hair all look alike.