“Fuck you, you son of a bitch, now it’s my turn.”
~Jay Leone, 90-year-old American (seriously)
When people ask our staff what we’re going to be when we hit 90, before we get a chance to say anything they answer for us by saying, “celebrating the 30th anniversary of our fatal liver failure.” Ha. Zing. Our lifestyle is not particularly sustainable.
But even the most genetically superior Americans amongst our staff would have to admit that we’d have nothing on Greenbrae, California resident and former Sheriff’s deputy, Jay Leone. That’s why we’re here with another AFFotD News Item of the Month, to tell you the story of…
Jay Leone: 90-year-old gunfighter/badass
If the Final Destination movie series has taught us anything, it’s that it is almost impossible to survive to reach the age of 90. Death lurks everywhere, and has a variety of weapons ranging from broken exercise machinery to tanning beds, and everywhere in between. So if you’re going to make it that long in life, you need to be tough, lucky, and probably have one of those fortified livers that our research and development staff is working on.
Jay Leone’s encounter with a burglar would be impressive if he was twenty years old and at his physical peak. Allegedly, Samuel Joseph Cutrufelli, all of 60 years younger than Jay Leone, broke into the nonagenarian’s house at 10 in the morning on January 3rd. As Cutrufelli, he held Leone at gunpoint, ransacking his house for valuables.
Leone had been known to collect 1970s-era cars in the past, but as he only had two standard (read as- not particularly impressive) cars in his garage at the time, the burglar decided to get what he could out of the 90-year-old. By the time Leone was led into his bedroom, he had an idea that, honestly, could only have worked with a senior citizen. He would demand to go to the bathroom.
Jay Leone is apparently an anti-Gremlin, with his only weakness manifesting when he touches water. That is the only reason we can think of for why he has five guns in his bathroom. Oh, yeah, we forgot to mention that. The man had five guns in his bathroom. Cutrufelli was suspicious about letting his victim go to the bathroom—this seems hardly surprising, since with such an Italian last name, he was likely intimately familiar with the restaurant scene of The Godfather. What Cutrufelli didn’t count on, however, was Leone pulling down his pants and saying that he was going to shit on the spot.
Oh thank God for that.
Cutrufelli likely responded along the lines of, “Jesus Christ, fine, God, just go!” but demanded that Leone keep the door open. Leone responded, “Do you like to watch people take a shit?” at which point he was allowed to close the door, because while criminals have no qualms about robbing a 90-year-old man at gun point, they draw the line at being referred to as Fecalpheliacs. At that point, he grabed his Smith & Wesson snubnose, burst out, and got in a firefight where he was shot in the face (IN THE FAAAACE) and his assailant was shot three times in the abdomen. The quote at the head of the article? That’s actually what he testified his thought process to be before shooting the shit out of his burglar (who survived and is currently on trial for attempted murder).
Leone said he didn’t feel the bullet, and at the end of the scuffle between the two shot men, Cutrufelli took the gun, pressed it to Leone’s head, and pulled the trigger, only to find the gun was empty, at which point he fled the scene. We can only imagine that is because he knew that Leone would clearly defeat him in hand-to-hand combat.
Of course Leone survived and is healing well. While his doctor told him, “For some reason, [the bullet] didn’t kill you” we know the true reason why Leone was shot in the face while the bullet missed all vital organs and arteries—it’s because the bullet was just as afraid of Leone as the burglar was.
And that is how Americans handle being 90.