How To Be American (read as: Drunk) In The Office On A Typical Day (And Not Get Caught)

Posted on January 23, 2012 | 3 comments

“I don’t want to work, I just want to bang on my drum all day.”

~Todd Rundgren

Many of you are reading this very America Fun Fact of the Day from your office, stealing precious internets from your bosses as part of a conspiracy to get free money from their HR department (at least, if your boss is older than 60, that is his assumption of how office internet usage works).  Americans need work to get the money necessary to purchase necessary goods, at least ever since the government suspended its controversial “Free whiskey and Ramen noodles for all citizens” proposal (damn you Carter!)  And while a healthy portion of Americans end up as freelancers, retailers, or service industry professionals, the most common type of employment involves plopping formerly active Americans behind a computer for eight hours a day as their bodies slowly balloon out like a time-lapse video of a pumpkin growing.

Though like restaurants, most offices do have a “No shoes, no shirts, no service” policy.

And like most prisons environments, offices are a dizzying combination of policies, traditions, and arcane beliefs that “Jesus Christ, no, of course you can’t have a moonshine sill in your cubicle, why would you even ask that?”  And sadly, many of the things we view to be most American (drinking, trying to see if you can cook bacon by putting it in the copier and asking for 100 copies while drunk) are considered “taboo” or “fire-able” in most offices.  But that doesn’t’ mean you can’t express your American ways properly while still working for “The Man.”  That’s why we are here to provide you with AFFotD’s exhaustive guide…

How To Be American (read as: Drunk) In The Office On A Typical Day (And Not Get Caught)

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America Fun Fact of the Day 1/22- Another Image of the Week

Posted on January 22, 2012 | 1 comment

“Sure it’s Sunday, I don’t care.”

~Johnny Roosevelt

Sure we did an image of the week yesterday.  Fair warning, we’re coming up on the one year mark of this site, and there will be some changes.  Yes, quake with fear.  Anyway, here’s another image.  Only in this case, it’s a screen shot from Wikipedia.  But it’s what WE created.  Re-read our “best Civil War facial hair” post, and look under Samuel Carroll.  And behold the power of AFFotD.*

*Note- AFFotD was in no way involved in this Wikipedia update.  Seriously.

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America Fun Fact of the Day 1/21- Saturday Image of the Week

Posted on January 21, 2012 | 1 comment

“Jon, you’re the best.”

~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief Johnny Roosevelt

We don’t often salute our staff.  Or at least, not nearly enough.  So here, Jon, take our image of the week.

Yes.  Well done.  Have a great weekend, everybody.

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The Top 10 American Athletes (Determined By Someone Other Than AFFotD)

Posted on January 20, 2012 | Leave a comment

“Get your shit together, ESPN.”

~AFFotD Research staff

Because we are American, and have the appropriately diverse staff that is 50% male and 25% females that are cool and like sports and junk, we clearly needs sports as a way to escape the soul crushing frozen darkness that is American winter (shut up California, stop bragging).  We’re so desperate for an impressive athlete that even today, when you make a joke about Tonya Harding, most people will respond by going, “Whyyyyy?  Whyyyyyy?” (The handful of people who didn’t respond this way replied with “Who?” and “oh you mean that beefy boxing chick?”)

Yes, we like sports.  And we don’t care who knows.  And since we’re still in a bit of a daze as our brain cells recover from the battle field massacre that we call “New Year’s Eve falling on a weekend” we decided we’d do something lazy, like look up someone’s list of the top 10 American athletes and do a quick blurb on why each of them are American.  But when we checked ESPN, we saw that they listed the top 10 North American athletes.  Which shouldn’t’ have been a problem, except they put a goddamn Canadian on the list.  Eww.  Gross.  Eww.

So we found the website Made Men and decided to use their list instead.

The Top 10 American Athletes (Determined By Someone Other Than AFFotD)

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Dogs: Man’s Best Friend, Nature’s Best Frisbee Hunter

Posted on January 19, 2012 | 1 comment

“Dogs make the most loyal of pets and the most ruthless killers of Nazis.”

~General George S. Patton [citation needed]

Easy question time- what is man’s best friend?  If you answered “The darkness” then get the fuck out of here Rembrant, how the hell did you get out of your restraints?  If you answered “My cat can spell out words using spaghetti-o’s” then we’ve been meaning to tell you, local ordinances says you’re not allowed to have 15 cats in your apartment.  You’re not.  What the hell would you do with 15 cats unless you were forming an army to fight laser beams and pieces of yarn?  Guys, come on, the answer is dog.  That’s rookie.  It’s written on a plaque on the moon and everything [citation needed].

Okay, so we’re going to be honest here.  You’ve probably heard about how Wikipedia has gone dark to protest SOPA/PIPA.  And yes, that’s sort of harshing our buzz a little.  We’re not saying that we get our information almost exclusively from Wikipedia or anything, but…well it’s the best tool available for a drunk crew of writers.  But we do stand opposed to SOPA, so we’re not going to let us down, especially when we have an important topic to talk about.  So we’re going to tell you about the most American pet in existence, and if there’s any information we’d normally rely on Wikipedia to get, we’ll just fill in the gaps with what we assume has to be factual and give you one of those nifty “[citation needed]” doohickeys.

Dogs.  Known in Latin as “Canineus Awesomesauce” [citation needed], dogs are the only animal that legally is allowed to hold public office [citation needed].  So sit back and wait for your specifically trained doggie butler to fetch you a goddamn scotch and soda (on the ROCKS this time, goddamn it) as we wax poetic about…

Dogs:  Man’s Best Friend, Nature’s Best Frisbee Hunter

 

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The Martini: America’s Classiest Alcohol Delivery System

Posted on January 18, 2012 | 1 comment

“You’re welcome.”

~The American Liquor industry

Every once and a while, strangers go up to us on the street and say, “Goddamn it AFFotD, I can’t believe you let your news editor befoul our daughter, I’ll kill the bastard if’n I ever lay eyes on him again,” and after we wrestle them to the ground and get their daughters contact information and age (phew, 18) they eventually, in tears, ask us why we seem to hate President Carter so much.

Is it the award he got for letting Iran misuse nuclear technology?  That didn’t help things, but no.  Was it the fact that he builds houses for the poor?  Weirdly enough we actually have a problem with that, but no that’s not it.  No we hate Carter because he is largely responsible for the fact that it’s no longer considered “acceptable” to have a three-martini lunch at work anymore.  That tells you how Un-American Jimmy Carter was while also serving as a convenient enough segue to our more important topic.

Martinis.  Invented by Americans, made by Americans, used by James Bond to sleep with American women, the Martini is the classiest way to say, “Hi, I am an individual of refined tastes, and if you approached me at this bar I very possibly will sleep with you” without sitting at a bar holding onto a string of condoms.  So with that in mind, let’s raise our cocktail glass to…

The Martini:  America’s Classiest Alcohol Delivery System

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The Seven Stages of Grief (For an NFL Playoff Loss)

Posted on January 17, 2012 | Leave a comment

“Huh.  Guess that God thing only goes so far.”

~Timothy Richard Tebow

The beauty of American sports lies in the glory of victory, but mainly the agony of defeat.  Not De-Feet, Rex Ryan, but you are right, making foot fetish jokes about the Jets is another perk of being a sports fan.  But the fact of the matter is that, no matter what, by the end of a season there is a greater chance that your team will not end up being the champions, and if you’re a Cubs fan there’s an implied certainty that not only will your team not go all the way, but you’ll probably lose your house in a fire while a re-invented Carlos Zambrano pitches a perfect game for the Miami Marlins.

And while some teams fizzle midway through the year, and most teams never have a shot, some may argue that the most devastating heartbreak can come when a team gets so close to the ultimate prize just to see it ultimately fall through their trembling, bacon-grease-covered fingers.  And as America finds itself deep into the NFL Playoffs, more and more fan bases have to see that one ultimate defeat that’ll make their entire transcendent season utterly meaningless, unless you were able to ride Aaron Rodgers or Drew Brees to help you win your fantasy league.  Because at least that way those two QBs were able to win something this year.

So for the fans that spent all season bragging about the historic year of their franchise who are left standing with a gaping jaw wondering how they could have possibly given up 37 points to Eli Fucking Manning, we here at AFFotD are here to give you this handy guide.

The Seven Stages of Grief (For an NFL Playoff Loss)

 

He might not be playing in the Super Bowl, but he’s a shoe-in for that part in the Green Bay Community Theater production of “Newsies”

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Point/Counterpoint- Can American Men Do Yoga?

Posted on January 16, 2012 | Leave a comment

“Heh, downward dog.”

~Most American males

America is a country founded on the tombstones of our native population debate and discourse.  Discussion fuels change, or at the very least drunken yelling matches, and we support that.  Drunken yelling matches, that is.  Not change.  We fear change.

And of course, being stubborn, strong-willed American alcohol users, we have our fair share of office arguments.  Chunky versus creamy peanut butter?  Did the chicken come before the egg?  What’s more badass, a Bowie knife or just kidding nothing is more badass than a Bowie knife?

It is with that intrepid spirit that we delve into our Point/Counterpoint series.  This week’s topic might spark controversy, which is of course a Latin word for “cheap plow to get people to pay attention to you.”   It’s going to be a very heterosexual male centric view on a fairly popular “new age” type of exercise.  We are talking, of course, about Yoga.  Specifically, is it acceptably American for a straight American male to partake in it.  We’re excluding women for this discussion because no one has any issues with women doing yoga.  And we won’t delve into gay males because we honestly don’t know what a homosexual American male’s gym regimen is supposed to consist of, but whatever it is they’re doing it’s working.  Just ask any woman who feels self-conscious about her body after seeing an army of gay men in Lady Gaga Halloween costumes.

So that leaves us with two very opinionated members of our staff, who are here to present their views on if it is cool for a gentleman (colloquially referred to in polite circles as a “dude” or “brah”) to partake in yoga lessons.  So let us hear the sides sound off! Continue reading →

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America Fun Fact of the Day 1/15- January 15th in American History

Posted on January 15, 2012 | Leave a comment

“You gotta do the weekend right.  You gotta get yourself kicked out of a bar.”

~The Constitution

As the weekend draws to a close, and snow blankets the parts of America that people pay attention to (shut it, California), we all take part in our favorite pastimes- getting ripped before we go to the bars, because goddamn it’s cold and it’s better to just feel something other than the cold.  The dark, haunting cold.

Woah there, that got weird.  You know how we do.

Today’s Date in American History

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America Fun Fact of the Day 1/14- Saturday Image of the Week

Posted on January 14, 2012 | Leave a comment

“What he said.”

~Johnny Roosevelt

This Saturday, while we know you’re going to spend most of your day lounging on your couch, slowly getting drunk while watching the NFL playoffs, we’ll leave you with this image of the week (well, .gif actually) that will hopefully at least motivate you to get what you need to get done tonight.  And by that, we mean, we urge you to go and get shitty.  Tell ’em, Teddy.

Have a great weekend, everyone.  Time to get shit done.

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