Space Food in America

Posted on March 8, 2012 | 1 comment

“I will punch you in the goddamn face if you besmirch Astronaut Ice Cream.”

~Buzz Aldrin

While Russia may have been the first country to stick their dirty, probably frostbitten, grubby little fingers into the great pool of outer space, but America was the country that blindly cannonballed in there as we made it our bitch.  Take that, comrades, how’s never going to the moon feel?  Pretty shitty, huh?

While we might only now be finally catching up to the American dream of drinking a beer in space, we realized pretty early on in the game that it was important for us to feed our astronauts.  So, of course, Americans have spent decades researching and determining what a select few can eat when they are floating in a tin can far above the world.  Yes, this mental energy could have been spent on trivial things like “curing cancer” or “inventing a mayonnaise that won’t make bread soggy if it’s stored overnight” but, nope, we had to feed 500 people over a 50 year period.  Damn straight we did!  Astronauts get swag, you should know this by now.  That’s why we’re here to present…

The American History of Space Food

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The Most American Restaurants of: CHICAGO

Posted on March 6, 2012 | Leave a comment

“Second city?  More like fifth coronary, amiright?”

~AFFotD Food Critic, John Goodman

America loves to eat.  That shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone.  When you live in a country that has 14,000 McDonalds, 7,500 Pizza Huts, and 6,500 Dunkin’ Donuts, you know that you have a pretty large population of people who live to stuff their faces.  But while fast food chains are appropriately American, getting you unhealthy food quick enough that you can fat fat fatty FAT, it is truly the local American restaurants that are able to really embrace American culinary ideals.  Because sure, if Hardees wants to make a burger with twice your daily allotment of fat in it, people are going to flip their shit, but if someone has a heart attack in the midst of eating a 6,000 calorie burger, it’s fucking awesome (unless that man’s family is reading this, in which case we salute him for going down like a fucking boss).

That’s why we here at AFFotD are starting our latest American feature—the most American restaurants of major American cities.

So when we think of cities that thrive on unhealthy food and have so little shame that we’re pretty sure veganism is a considered a misdemeanor by its police force, we think of the one city that we’d like to start this segment out with.

The city of fat asses broad shoulders… Chicago, Illinois.

The Most American Restaurants of:  CHICAGO

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Jay Leone: 90-Year-Old Gunfighter/Badass

Posted on March 2, 2012 | 2 comments

“Fuck you, you son of a bitch, now it’s my turn.”

~Jay Leone, 90-year-old American (seriously)

When people ask our staff what we’re going to be when we hit 90,  before we get a chance to say anything they answer for us by saying, “celebrating the 30th anniversary of our fatal liver failure.”  Ha.  Zing.  Our lifestyle is not particularly sustainable.

But even the most genetically superior Americans amongst our staff would have to admit that we’d have nothing on Greenbrae, California resident and former Sheriff’s deputy, Jay Leone.  That’s why we’re here with another AFFotD News Item of the Month, to tell you the story of…

Jay Leone: 90-year-old gunfighter/badass

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[REDACTED] Reviews The Dragnet Rap, “City of Crime” (ft. Tom Hanks and Dan Aykroyd)

Posted on February 29, 2012 | 6 comments

“I had the most wonderful dream.  I was somehow freed from my contract, and I didn’t have to do report on strange and terrifying things anymore.  It was such a wonderful dream.  Such a wonderful dream.”

~[REDACTED]

It’s been a long time since you last heard from [REDACTED], our PTSD suffering investigative journalist who we keep in a constant state of agitation by alternating sending him on good assignments (like drinking Four Loko in Nebraska) and giving him terrifying, mind-numbing ones (like watching the French Women’s Soccer team).

For those of you who are new to the site, no [REDACTED] was not in ‘Nam or anything like that, the reason why he has PTSD is the same reason why we can’t contractually release his name—because we forced him to eat a meal at a Vegan restaurant.  Yes, we know that we’re monsters, it came while we were under some, erm, more sketchy management.

So in a category that seems less “cruel punishment” and more “well we need to fill some space, let’s let [REDACTED] do the heavy lifting for us,” we decided to find the most absurd rap video we could, and have [REDACTED] watch it and give us a step-by-step guide.  So, we decided to go with the music video of “City of Crime” which was filmed for the 1987 movie version of Dragnet, starring Tom Hanks and Dan Aykroyd.

We don’t want to give too much away, but it absolutely involves 25-years-younger versions of Dan Aykroyd and Tom Hanks rapping.  Also, here’s a screenshot from it.

This is from a movie that features actors that went on to combine for eight Academy Award nominations, and two wins.  Sure most of that was Tom Hanks, but still.

Anyway, if you want to follow along, click here to watch the train wreck of a video yourself.  Or you can just follow [REDACTED]’s account below.

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Manly, Iowa Is a Gloriously Named American City

Posted on February 27, 2012 | 12 comments

“How is this city not the most well-known city in America?  Its name is GLORIOUS!”

~U.S. Census Bureau

America is a land filled with hundreds of thousands of cities and towns.  But just because naming a location is one of the easiest ways to establish yourself as badass, for every Climax, Michigan there’s 49 separate Greenvilles.  Seriously, if you don’t live in a state that ends with “awaii” you live in a state that has a Greenville.  Congratulations America, Greenville is about as unique in America as suburban summer festivals headlined by middle aged cover bands.

But when America finds a solid town name, they really go for it.  And while we’ve previously given you a glimpse into the state of Iowa through employee travels, we’ve yet to touch upon the best named city in the entire state.

Manly, Iowa.

That’s right, this little town of 1,342 is going to get the Fun Fact treatment, because fuck it, why not?

Manly, Iowa Is a Gloriously Named American City

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AFFotD’s Official Guide for an Appropriately Insane American Weekend

Posted on February 24, 2012 | 1 comment

“It’s Friday, Friday, Heroin between my toes.”

~Rebecca Black

America loves the weekend in the same way that an alcoholic loves unemployment- when you do it right, sure, you might be hurting down the road, but it’s still the best situation you can imagine yourself in at any given time.  The weekend is a magical time where you can throw caution in the wind, cut loose, and (internally) laugh at people stuck working in the service industry.  In a study by AFFotD researchers (you can usually spot them by their long, white beards being in such stark contrast to their American flag leather jackets) we found that 95% of all alcohol related puking is a direct result of the weekend (the other 5% is attributed to sadness.  Just so much sadness.)

Unfortunately, many Americans don’t know how to properly celebrate the weekend, simply stumbling around asking stupid questions like, “Should I have a beer?” or getting punched by AFFotD staffers after they say, “Well I should get to bed fairly early, those estate sales aren’t going to find themselves!”  That’s why we’re here to tell you how to be irresponsible American in the most effective way possible.

Stand back, and prepare for the knowledge bomb.

AFFotD’s Official Guide for an Appropriately Insane American Weekend

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WHAT THE HELL!? America’s Top 10 Selling Beers (Are Awful)

Posted on February 21, 2012 | 25 comments

“Eh, just put some rice water in it and say it enhances the flavor.”

~Budweiser

 

Beer is a lot like sex.  When it’s good, it’s really good.  And when it’s bad, you’re probably going to wake up the next day feeling empty, unsatisfied, and with an inexplicable headache.  But no matter how good or bad it is, America just keeps coming back for more.  And if this metaphor were to really hold its own weight, we’d have to hope that Americans in general prefer good beer, then.  Because who wants bad beer?  Date rapists?  The French?  Spuds McKenzie?

Nope, turns out fucking everyone prefers drinking shitty beer.  How else can you explain this blog post that lists the 10 top selling beers in America?  These beers are collectively so bad and un-American that we almost didn’t spot the egregious omission of Samuel Adams from the list.  We’re not saying Sam Adams is the best beer in America, far from it, but if you have an ambitious brewery that’s named after Sam fucking Adams, and it’s not in the top 10 of market share, someone fucked up (we’re looking at you, majority of beer drinkers).

Of course, when we at AFFotD feel the need to correct such misconceptions about the America’s fine assortment of fermented malts and hops, we do so with the calm, delicate prose that sets aside emotional responses, and instead delves into the topic with tact and understanding.  That’s why we present you…

WHAT THE HELL!?  America’s Top 10 Selling Beers (Are Awful)

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America’s Most Alcohol Restrictive States

Posted on February 16, 2012 | 6 comments

“I’ll ask one more time- how much have you had to drink, Mr. Roosevelt?”

~I don’t understand the officer, question

We hope you’re sitting down as you read this.  Well, mainly because it’s shocking news, but also because it’d be sort of weird if you were reading this on your computer while standing up.  No one likes the guy that has one of those walking-desks.  Don’t by that guy.  But we digress.

What we are here to tell you is that, despite America being, well, America…there are states among us that have barbaric laws limiting how much, or when, you can purchase alcohol.  While some of these we will begrudgingly accept (try as we want to fight it, it seems that the government isn’t ready to endorse our “let liquor stores operate out of schools” proposal) others are downright archaic, making us wonder out loud if these state governments are run by the town from Footloose.  Because where there is no booze, as we all know, there is no dancing.

“But AFFotD, that’s terrible!  Just hearing about the regulation of alcohol gets me so mad I want to chug a bottle of tequila until I pass out and wake up wondering if the blood on my hands came from an animal or a person,” you no doubt just gargled at your computer screen mid-booze-chug.  We are aware, and that’s why we’re here to help, giving you a comprehensive guide to the states you should avoid, you know, if you like alcohol.

America’s Most Alcohol Restrictive States

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When Sodium Meets Sugar: America’s Best Sweet and Savory Combinations

Posted on February 14, 2012 | 2 comments

“And from whence the savory and sweet shall be wrought, it’ll probably taste awesome, like a bacon lollipop.”

~Hamlet, Act VI, Scene LXVI  

We’ve previously informed you of all the glorious things that now exist in bacon flavored varieties.  Yes, Bacon is the Neil Patrick Harris of foods- it’s impossible not to like it, unless you are a deeply morally flawed human being.  But when we talk about bacon, we forget about the entire subset of foods that bacon belongs to, and it’s interaction with other culinary areas.

Yes, if “Savory” were a cycling team, “Bacon” would be its Lance Armstrong (sorry, someone bet us we couldn’t make a cycling joke or a Lance Armstrong joke without mentioning steroids or testicle counting, so we had to make sure to win it.  We really needed the twenty bucks) but it’s important to remember that savory food items are an important part of American culinary creative process.  Because Savory allows us to bring in the sweet, and when the two are combined you get some glorious, completely unhealthy American food iteams.

So let’s take a look at America’s finest sweet and savory concoctions with…

When Sodium Meets Sugar:  America’s Best Sweet and Savory Combinations

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Posted in America's Best Foods

An Extended Examination Of More of America’s Strangest Patents

Posted on February 9, 2012 | Leave a comment

“Oh no…they’re back…”

~Former friends/associates/relatives of American patent holders

We’ve tried to warn you, time and time again, about the insanity you can discover when you delve into the murky world of American’s Patent Holders.  You might ask yourself, “AFFotD, why do you keep doing this to us?  Over and over again, you expose us to the horrific psyches of deranged men and women who create terrifying products, and for what reason?”  To that we can only ask, do you know why the Saw franchise has seven titles to its name?  Because you keep coming back asking for more!

And as much as we value your sanity, it appears we can’t stop until we’ve turned you all into the singular patent holder that haunts every nightmare a psychologist will ever have.  So let’s dive into the murky, murky muck.

An Extended Examination Of More of America’s Strangest Patents

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