America Fun Fact of the Day

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Posted in Miscellaneous America

Tagged America, Iowa, Manly, Manly Iowa, Panthers, Water Park

AFFotD’s Official Guide for an Appropriately Insane American Weekend

Posted on February 24, 2012 | 1 comment

“It’s Friday, Friday, Heroin between my toes.”

~Rebecca Black

America loves the weekend in the same way that an alcoholic loves unemployment- when you do it right, sure, you might be hurting down the road, but it’s still the best situation you can imagine yourself in at any given time. The weekend is a magical time where you can throw caution in the wind, cut loose, and (internally) laugh at people stuck working in the service industry. In a study by AFFotD researchers (you can usually spot them by their long, white beards being in such stark contrast to their American flag leather jackets) we found that 95% of all alcohol related puking is a direct result of the weekend (the other 5% is attributed to sadness. Just so much sadness.)

Unfortunately, many Americans don’t know how to properly celebrate the weekend, simply stumbling around asking stupid questions like, “Should I have a beer?” or getting punched by AFFotD staffers after they say, “Well I should get to bed fairly early, those estate sales aren’t going to find themselves!” That’s why we’re here to tell you how to be irresponsible American in the most effective way possible.

Stand back, and prepare for the knowledge bomb.

AFFotD’s Official Guide for an Appropriately Insane American Weekend

Posted in Drunk People

Tagged AFFotD Guide, America, Friday, REbecca Black, Saturday, Shots, Sunday, Weekend, Women's Christian Temperance Union

WHAT THE HELL!? America’s Top 10 Selling Beers (Are Awful)

Posted on February 21, 2012 | 25 comments

“Eh, just put some rice water in it and say it enhances the flavor.”

~Budweiser

Beer is a lot like sex. When it’s good, it’s really good. And when it’s bad, you’re probably going to wake up the next day feeling empty, unsatisfied, and with an inexplicable headache. But no matter how good or bad it is, America just keeps coming back for more. And if this metaphor were to really hold its own weight, we’d have to hope that Americans in general prefer good beer, then. Because who wants bad beer? Date rapists? The French? Spuds McKenzie?

Nope, turns out fucking everyone prefers drinking shitty beer. How else can you explain this blog post that lists the 10 top selling beers in America? These beers are collectively so bad and un-American that we almost didn’t spot the egregious omission of Samuel Adams from the list. We’re not saying Sam Adams is the best beer in America, far from it, but if you have an ambitious brewery that’s named after Sam fucking Adams, and it’s not in the top 10 of market share, someone fucked up (we’re looking at you, majority of beer drinkers).

Of course, when we at AFFotD feel the need to correct such misconceptions about the America’s fine assortment of fermented malts and hops, we do so with the calm, delicate prose that sets aside emotional responses, and instead delves into the topic with tact and understanding. That’s why we present you…

WHAT THE HELL!? America’s Top 10 Selling Beers (Are Awful)

25 Comments

Posted in Beer!

Tagged Alcohol, America, Beer, Bud Light, Budweiser, Busch, Busch Light, Coors Light, Corona, Heineken, Miller High Life, Miller Lite, Natty Light, Natural Light

America’s Most Alcohol Restrictive States

Posted on February 16, 2012 | 6 comments

“I’ll ask one more time- how much have you had to drink, Mr. Roosevelt?”

~I don’t understand the officer, question

We hope you’re sitting down as you read this. Well, mainly because it’s shocking news, but also because it’d be sort of weird if you were reading this on your computer while standing up. No one likes the guy that has one of those walking-desks. Don’t by that guy. But we digress.

What we are here to tell you is that, despite America being, well, America…there are states among us that have barbaric laws limiting how much, or when, you can purchase alcohol. While some of these we will begrudgingly accept (try as we want to fight it, it seems that the government isn’t ready to endorse our “let liquor stores operate out of schools” proposal) others are downright archaic, making us wonder out loud if these state governments are run by the town from Footloose. Because where there is no booze, as we all know, there is no dancing.

“But AFFotD, that’s terrible! Just hearing about the regulation of alcohol gets me so mad I want to chug a bottle of tequila until I pass out and wake up wondering if the blood on my hands came from an animal or a person,” you no doubt just gargled at your computer screen mid-booze-chug. We are aware, and that’s why we’re here to help, giving you a comprehensive guide to the states you should avoid, you know, if you like alcohol.

America’s Most Alcohol Restrictive States

6 Comments

Posted in Booze Facts

Tagged America, Kansas, Liquor, Liquor Laws, Massachusetts, Mississippi, Utah

When Sodium Meets Sugar: America’s Best Sweet and Savory Combinations

Posted on February 14, 2012 | 2 comments

“And from whence the savory and sweet shall be wrought, it’ll probably taste awesome, like a bacon lollipop.”

~Hamlet, Act VI, Scene LXVI

We’ve previously informed you of all the glorious things that now exist in bacon flavored varieties. Yes, Bacon is the Neil Patrick Harris of foods- it’s impossible not to like it, unless you are a deeply morally flawed human being. But when we talk about bacon, we forget about the entire subset of foods that bacon belongs to, and it’s interaction with other culinary areas.

Yes, if “Savory” were a cycling team, “Bacon” would be its Lance Armstrong (sorry, someone bet us we couldn’t make a cycling joke or a Lance Armstrong joke without mentioning steroids or testicle counting, so we had to make sure to win it. We really needed the twenty bucks) but it’s important to remember that savory food items are an important part of American culinary creative process. Because Savory allows us to bring in the sweet, and when the two are combined you get some glorious, completely unhealthy American food iteams.

So let’s take a look at America’s finest sweet and savory concoctions with…

When Sodium Meets Sugar: America’s Best Sweet and Savory Combinations

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Posted in America's Best Foods

An Extended Examination Of More of America’s Strangest Patents

Posted on February 9, 2012 | Leave a comment

“Oh no…they’re back…”

~Former friends/associates/relatives of American patent holders

We’ve tried to warn you, time and time again, about the insanity you can discover when you delve into the murky world of American’s Patent Holders. You might ask yourself, “AFFotD, why do you keep doing this to us? Over and over again, you expose us to the horrific psyches of deranged men and women who create terrifying products, and for what reason?” To that we can only ask, do you know why the Saw franchise has seven titles to its name? Because you keep coming back asking for more!

And as much as we value your sanity, it appears we can’t stop until we’ve turned you all into the singular patent holder that haunts every nightmare a psychologist will ever have. So let’s dive into the murky, murky muck.

An Extended Examination Of More of America’s Strangest Patents

The Informative American Talks Sex: An Unpleasant and Often Painful Method To Create Future American Soldiers (originally published December 1953)

Posted on February 8, 2012 | 1 comment

“But I don’t have to look at any nipples when I’m doing it, right?”

~1950’s sexual partner

While going through our daily, cough, research, we stumbled across this particular image from a 1950’s adventure magazine. For those of you who said “clicking links is for pansies, I only ended up on this page because I waited too long to click ‘save-as’ from the google images preview page,” we’ll do you the service of explaining the magazine for you.

Yes the image if a man swimming in a sea filled with red snakes, but, there is an additional headline informing men of the 1950’s, “Sex can be FUN!” Now, our staff usually does not discuss sexual conquest or prowess (laaaadies) because these represent moments of personal intimacy that are best left unspoken by distinguished gentlemen. Or in our case, we get too drunk afterwards to actually write about it, and by the time we wake up we’ve probably forgotten the most relevant details (position, duration, gender, etc). But, in spite of everything, we at AFFotD can take a pretty firm stance and say, if you have to read an article to assure you that “Sex can be fun,” you’re doing it wrong.

And apparently we’d be right, because as we were going through the archives of our 1950’s newsletters, we discovered that our predecessors had actually found the exact same article. And, we say this a little less than proudly, they apparently were doing it wrong back then.

Uh. That’s all the explanation we really have the stomach to describe right now. Here, uh, is not one of our finer moments. We’ll just show you the original article.

The Informative American Talks Sex: An Unpleasant and Often Painful Method To Create Future American Soldiers (originally published December 1953)

Posted in The Informative American

Tagged adventure magazine, America, Communism, distinguished gentlemen, google, Sex, sexual conquest, Soldiers, The Informative American

Zombie Washington Prefers British Brains

Posted on February 6, 2012 | 1 comment

“While other phrases like ‘Mummy Roosevelt’ or ‘Scarecrow Lincoln’ are certainly in play, ‘Zombie Washington’ likely remains the best combination of words in the English Language.”

~The Oxford Dictionary People

Zombies are scientifically the most American monsters out there. Think about it. Werewolves have been phoned in by Benicio Del Toro, certain Vampires fucking glitter, and IRS agents aren’t even given handguns for their job anymore. Yes, Zombies walk this world, and this fine nation, with a singular purpose. Consumerist metaphor Brains. Delicious brains.

But what would have happened if we had taken one of our nation’s founders, and greatest laser-vision-having hero, and zombified the shit out of him? Well, it almost happened, as we recently learned on this io9 article. So sit back, gentle Americans, and prepare yourselves for…

Zombie Washington Prefers British Brains

Posted in Washington

Tagged America, George WAshington, William Thornton, Zombie

AFFotD’s Guide To American Super Bowl Parties

Posted on February 3, 2012 | 1 comment

“Goddamn it, no, we’re not putting the Puppy Bowl on the other television, stop asking.”

~American Super Bowl Party Hosts

Over the years, the Super Bowl has gone from a half-assed sporting event where shit like “a team has to re-do their kickoff because the cameras missed it” happened to national event of such great importance that not even an appearance by the Black Eyed Peas can stop people from tuning in. The Super Bowl is an American holiday, Monday hangovers be damned.

Yes, the Super Bowl is like New Year’s Eve’s older, cooler brother that smokes cloves out in the high school parking lot. New Year’s Eve carries impossible expectations, expensive drink specials, and a surprising lack of giant men concussing each other. The Super Bowl takes all the best parts of New Years (booze, shitload of parties), throws in a lot more unhealthy food (can we get a what what for 7-layered bean dip?), and centers it around a football game that is so brilliantly produced that even people who hate sports will come to your party to “watch commercials” (which is code word for “get drunk and get hit on by your roommate’s friends”).

Now, because this day is so important in setting the tone for the month of February, and the year as a whole, it is your personal duty as the American with the largest HD TV among your friends to host a viewing party so grand that it would cause a Frenchman to shame-spiral into watching Sofia Coppola’s Marie Antoinette on repeat while sobbing into a bottle of anti-freeze. And that’s where we are here to help, by presenting you with…

America Fun Fact of the Day’s Guide to American Super Bowl Parties

Posted in Miscellaneous America

Tagged America, Beer, Bratwurst, chips, drown in beer, Football, Potato Chips, Super Bowl

Carhendge Is Up For Sale: AFFotD’s Pledge Drive

Posted on January 31, 2012 | Leave a comment

“Liquefy all our assets NOW! Shit, shit, wait, no I don’t mean MELT them, I mean…forget it, I’ll do it myself.”

~AFFotD’s Accountants

If we’ve learned anything from those Chrysler commercials with Eminem, it’s that cars are, uh, important to America? Something about Detroit? Robed opera singers? Anyway, the automobile industry helped America experience both one of its greatest financial booms (what up, Henry Ford) and the stubbornness of our automobile industry helped America experience one of its greatest financial recessions (what up, Henry Ford).

Yes, America loves cars, and many of our finest moments have centered on road trips through the vast empty areas of our fair nation. And it was during one of our more recent road trips that we encountered a beautiful, if…confusing place in Nebraska called…Carhendge.

If you walk within 15 feet of this, the trunk of your car magically fills with Four Lokos.

And we assumed that would be the end of it- we’d take a few pictures, maybe upgrade our trailer to a double-wide, and leave with the satisfaction of knowing that we had seen a giant Stonehenge replica. Anytime we got into an argument with someone saying, “That’s not proper grammar” or “Sir, you’re clearly drunk” followed by “Sir, if you do not leave the bouncy castle we will have to call the police” we can at least take smug satisfaction in the knowledge that at least we’ve been to Carhendge, and besides, what kind of asshole pays for a bouncy castle at a block party and doesn’t let their neighbors use it?

But everything’s changed now. Carhendge is for sale. For just $300,000 dollars we can buy Carhendge and then have our smile slowly fade as we realize that we don’t know how to move the damn thing.

We don’t have that much money just lying around, as evident by our desperate and ill-advised sponsorship deal with Wendy’s, but we do have you, the loyal readers. So give us some fucking money, already.

FUCKING GIVE IT!

Carhendge Is Up For Sale: AFFotD’s Pledge Drive

Oh God, there’s blood EVERYWHERE