Category Archives: Insulting Foreigners

Because apparently things happen to countries that aren’t America, and we occasionally write about them. Doesn’t mean we have to like it, though sometimes we do begrudgingly offer our approval. Only sometimes though. Goddamn it, Japan, you’re doing it wrong!

China Has Successfully Made the World’s Worst Reality Show

Posted on March 22, 2012 | 1 comment

“You’re crazy, China.  You, you’re crazy.”

~AFFotD tranquilizer expert, Will Ferrell

Most people criticize American television, which is fair.  Once American television producers figured out that you could save money by sticking someone on an island, or asking who knows how to sing, or finding the right combination of failed models with daddy issues willing to have sex with a near-stranger in a hot tub, it became that much harder to survive as a well-written work of entertainment, leaving us watching fat Americans try to lose weight for reasons we can’t quite comprehend.

But as much as you might want to complain about the state of American television, just take solace in knowing that we are still far better than China, because we don’t have 40 million people viewing in to watch people being interviewed right before the government kills them.

Seriously, what the fuck, China?

China Has Successfully Made the World’s Worst Reality Show

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Good Job By You! The 10 Most Pro-American Nations

Posted on January 27, 2012 | 3 comments

“Don’t worry America, WE still love you.”

~America’s Mother

We’re gonna get real for a second here.  A lot of countries?  For some reason or another, they’re not particularly fond of us.  We know, it’s surprising to us as well.  But just like some people dislike ice cream, or consider themselves asexual, some other countries just don’t like us.  It’s strange, don’t ask us to try to explain it.  But while we’re known to foster a lot of negativity on this site, or at the very least come up with hurtful names for people we don’t like, every once and a while we like to cut back on the bile and applaud non-American locations for, well, putting up with us.

So when we saw an AskMen article listing the top 10 America loving countries, we figured, eh, why not write a Fun Fact applauding those countries.  And if the judge asks, this totally counts as our community service, and it totally took us 40 hours to write it.

Good Job By You!  The 10 Most Pro-American Nations

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Culture War 2: AFFotD Takes on France’s Only Good Idea Ever

Posted on January 11, 2012 | 1 comment

“RAGE STROKE!”

~Johnny Roosevelt

Comparing America to France is like comparing a Filet Mignon to a country that no one likes.  There’s a reason why food critics write for different types of websites than people who are trying to teach you how to set up a compost pile.  France is a piece of shit, is what we’re trying to say.  But every once and a while, even a terrible, terrible nation like France can do something that makes us, well, envious.  And when that happens, it puts us in a psychological shame spiral that inevitably leads to driving a few cars through convenience store walls to steal massive amounts of 40s.

This is one of those times.  Stay away from any of the 7-Elevens in your neighborhood that sell liquor, because take a look at what we found that the French are selling.

IT’S A DARTH VADER BURGER WITH AN ENTIRELY BLACK BUN!  GODDAMN IT FRANCE!  IT’S ON!

IT’S ON!

Culture War 2:  AFFotD Takes on France’s Only Good Idea Ever

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Wherein AFFotD Lampoons The Naivety of Foreigners Who Dare Protest The Intrinsic Value Of 10 Fine American Traditions (Part 2, Electric Boo-Ga-Loo)

Posted on December 27, 2011 | Leave a comment

“Listen, we don’t care if we’re coming off as defensive, don’t call us strange, okay?”

~AFFotD Staff

American Traditions are the glue that hold our society together.  Be it drinking beer while watching football, drinking bloody marys and mimosas during brunch, or even one of the small handful of traditions that doesn’t involve alcohol, American Traditions are what make this country great, and are part of the reason why every other nation secretly wish they were us (trust us on this point, you know how a 3rd grader shows he likes a girl by pinching her?  When other countries burn our flag in protest, it’s because they’re totally into us).

Now, yesterday we spent a lot of time making fun of the name of one “Jessika Toothman” who writes for HowStuffWorks.com due to the fact that she had the audacity to write an article about American traditions she feels would be considered “Strange” to foreigners.  Strange?  More like “awesome.”  You know what’s strange?  Spelling Jessica with a fucking K.  We made that joke yesterday, and we don’t care, that’s how angry we are about this article.  So that’s why we have, for you, part two of…

AFFotD Lampoons The Naivety of Foreigners Who Dare Protest The Intrinsic Value Of 10 Fine American Traditions (Part 2, Electric Boo-Ga-Loo)

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Wherein AFFotD Lampoons The Naivety of Foreigners Who Dare Protest The Intrinsic Value Of 10 Fine American Traditions

Posted on December 26, 2011 | 1 comment

“We’re not strange, YOU’RE strange, shut up internet.”

~AFFotD Staffers

When we want to say that something is, without fail, awesome, we refer to that thing as an “American Tradition.”  Seriously, when have you ever heard of “American Tradition” being used in a bad way?  Baseball is an American tradition, fake birth certificates are not.  Fireworks are an American Tradition, and hand reconstruction surgery is improving each and every year.  If something has been deemed an American Tradition, that’s like America’s version of the hall of fame (we’d like to introduce this year’s recipient to our American Tradition list: Playing beer pong using mixed drinks when you run out of beer but want to keep playing).

It is with this in mind that we have to bring your attention to yet another site that is trying to besmirch America with their “articles.”  You know what this means, it’s time for us to take a massive shit on someone else’s writing.

Today’s recipient of our ire is the website “HowStuffWorks” for their egregious slideshow (eww, slideshow?) about “10 Strange American Traditions.”  Umm, asshats, is being awesome strange, because that’s the only way we can make heads or tails out of your article’s title.  These 10 American activities have been chosen because the writers here think that other nations would find them “strange at best.”  Which means that they totally named this article the wrong thing.  It should be called “10 American Traditions That Prove That Every Other Country Is Doing It Wrong.”

Hold us back, Internet.  Hold us back…

AFFotD Lampoons The Naivety of Foreigners Who Dare Protest The Intrinsic Value Of 10 Fine American Traditions

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Wherein AFFotD Declares a CULTURE WAR on the Great Nation of Japan

Posted on November 10, 2011 | Leave a comment

“CULTURE WARRRRRR!”

~American Consumers


If America and Japan were listed in a relationship on facebook (and if they were 15 years old) it would absolutely say “It’s Complicated.”  Japan not only attacked Pearl Harbor, they did so in a way to inspire Michael Bay to make a movie about it, while America got back at them by dropping two atomic bombs on them.  But despite the animosities of the past, Japan has always had a vested interest in Western Culture, and in many ways has tried to emulate and mimic the practices of European and American cultures.

Unfortunately, this is the origin of the phrase, “Goddamn it Japan, you’re doing it wrong!”  When the West started brutally Imperializing other countries, Japan took it to uncomfortable levels by trying to make the Korean language illegal.  When the West started making warplanes, Japan decided to turn them into suicidal fireballs.  When Japan noticed that the West has rounder eyes, they started mutilating themselves to look less Asian.

Thankfully, there’s always been a cultural gap between America and Japan.  While we spend our time trying to find ways to replace bread with fried chicken in sandwich preparation, Japan tries to make steak out of fecal matter.  While we invented the Internet, Japan invented roughly 60% of the creepier porn that goes on it.

However, we at AFFotD have just discovered that Japan might be gearing up for a cultural war with America by doing what America does best without adding tentacles.  It’s a terrifying time for all of us.  These are the stakes.

CULTURE WAR:  Burger King in Japan Tries To Out-America America

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Wherein AffotD Yet Again Must Combat the Ways of Fortune Magazine And their UnAmerican Methods of Thought

Posted on November 3, 2011 | 2 comments

“They’re back.  Trying to tell us what’s American.  I knew this day would someday come.”

~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief Johnny Roosevelt


Early this year, we brought to your attention a terrifying article from Fortune magazine that literally made us angry with rage.  This “article” tried to inform us what they believed to be the 100 most “American” things out there.  Of course, this largely involved nature and saluting alcohol containers that don’t’ have alcohol in them, which made us spew such vile and vitriol towards this corporation that they’ve yet to recover (we can only assume).

So while we were going through our lengthy (lengthy) enemies list,  we found that Fortune had not only survived our horrendous literary assault (we literally said that they were not American enough to drink whiskey) but they had the audacity to try to submit another “100 great things in America” list.

We know what you’re thinking.  “Oh shit, it’s on.”  But before you let your righteous blood lust get the best of you… they actually did a much better job of it this time.  They sort of explained their lack of great historical figures (they’re not putting dead people in there, though somewhat ironically they put Steve Jobs in the top 20.  Hi-yo!) and they managed to put Pappy Van Winkle bourbon in the top 20.  In fact, most of this list is pretty damn spot on, especially the top 10 which has 9 very solidly American items listed.  It’s really refreshing to see someone see your critiques of their assessment of America and really work on correcting it.

That said, we’re a petty bunch, so we’re going to nitpick the shit out of this list, and just crush the 20% of list items that we disagree with.

AFFotD snark team, assemble!

“If you make fun of my spot on this list (#92) I will use my substantial power and animal-as-toilet-paper fetishes to destroy your feeble website”

Duly noted, Zuckerberg.

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America Fun Fact of the Day Presents: Foreigners Who Cheated at Marathons

Posted on October 26, 2011 | Leave a comment

“I’m the best, man, I deed it.”

~Eli Porter


Believe it or not, despite the high fat, high alcohol diet our entire staff is mandated to adhere to, one of our writers ran a marathon back in 2006.  When we asked him to explain why he would subject himself to the excessive training required to run a distance that killed the first person who ever attempted to run it, he just shrugged and said, “I heard that they were giving out free beer to runners at the fifteen mile mark.  And they did.  So you know, free beer.”  When we pointed out that he had to pay a good amount of money just to run in the Marathon in the first place, he stopped listening and took a nap.

The thing with Marathons is that the main reason most of us run them is to just say we did.  Yet despite that, now runners are fitted with a special microchip that tracks their race (and disqualifies them if they try any shortcuts).  And part of the reason we have to do that is because of someone who wasn’t born in America.  But we’ll get to that later.

America has no problem with cheating, but we at least try to be decent about it.  Yes, it’s technically cheating if you take performance enhancing drugs, but seriously, if you’re on steroids, you still have to exercise six hours a day to become a professional level athlete.   Plus you’re ruining your bodies doing it, so you at least pay for what you’re doing when you cheat like that.  Plus, it’s not cheating if you don’t get caught, and American’s don’t like to get caught (high five Lance Armstrong!)

Which is why we’re proud to point out three high profile cases where people cheated in running a Marathon…by simply skipping to the finish line.  And why is this an American Fun Fact?  Because it proves that America is superior, since every instance listed is from a non-American.  Take that, rest of the world’s self-esteem.  We might never beat a Kenyan in a Marathon again, but we can at least take solace in the fact that we went about things more honestly than these three people.

America Fun Fact of the Day Presents:  Foreigners Who Cheated at Marathons

 

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Wherein AFFotD Responds to Critiques of American Culture While Suppressing the Urge to Vomit or Declare War on China (because, let’s face it, they’d probably win…shit)- an Academic Lecture by Professor Washington

Posted on October 12, 2011 | 1 comment

“ROAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!”

~The Ghost of General George Patton

 

The staff of the America Fun Fact of the Day is sort of like a cross between Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction and an overzealous stage mom.  On one hand, if you cast our kid in your commercial (or, say America is appropriately awesome), we’ll totally sleep with you.  On the other hand, if you spurn our advances, we’re going to kill your pet rabbit.  What we’re trying to say is, if there’s one thing we hate more than Nature, it’s people who write articles besmirching our fine nation.

Especially when it’s…the enemy!

It’s the face that killed millions, yet would not be out of place behind the counter of a gas station.

While doing our weekly google searches (affotd, America fuck yes, America is awesome, why is America so damn awesome you guys, etc) we stumbled across an article on “Asian Times” called, “What is American Culture?”  We’ve been spurned by the Chinese before, so we weren’t necessarily expecting any celebrations about our inventive uses of gravy, but we were not expecting an article flinging more shit at American Culture than the cast and crew of Two Girls One Cup.

In order to do it justice, we brought in an American academic on our staff, who also teaches our “America, fuck yes, an examination of everything great about America” classes.  He is a bit more “straight laced” than we like, but if we were in charge of writing up about this article, we’d probably say some pretty hateful shit.  Professor Washington will likely say some pretty hateful shit too, but at least he uses bigger words and reads shit like “books.”

America Fun Fact of the Day Responds to Critiques of American Culture While Suppressing the Urge to Vomit or Declare War on China (because, let’s face it, they’d probably win…shit)- a lecture by Professor Washington

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London Drowns in Beer

Posted on August 2, 2011 | 3 comments

“And they say that, in their most dire moment, a chosen one will spurn his British curse, and become, spiritually, a true American.”

~The prophecy


America Fun Fact of the Day likes to keep things, you know, local.  Much like George Washington was a staunch isolationist, we don’t give a shit about what goes on outside of America.  Oh what’s that, Greece is poor?  Tough shit, sell the Parthenon or something.  Not our debt, not our problem.  We don’t even know what a European Union is, but if you put us on the spot we’d say…Soccer team?  British Iron Workers?  Again, we don’t know, we don’t care.

But, despite our extreme disinterest in other nations, we do understand that being American is more than just a geographical concept.  Hell, some of the least American people in the world were born and raised in America.  So, is it possible that there are American souls trapped in bodies that were born in un-American nations?  While this may go down as one of the most surprising statements you’ll hear from America’s proudest batch of Xenophobes, yes.  Yes it is possible.  Sometimes it just tales of incredible feats to us to realize that.

We’re talking about British people drowning in beer.

Or as the British call it, “Gobbling the Hozzywaller in the Fainterphone.”  Probably.  GOD that place is a mess.

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Posted in Beer!, England

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