Category Archives: America’s Culinary Treats

Did you know that the average American woman weighs 163 pounds, while the average American man weighs 190? It’s true. What does that tell us? Clearly some of you are holding us back, you skinny bastards. That’s why we at AFFotD present you with this list of foods which are delicious, American, and amazingly unhealthy. If we all work together, we can bring the average weight of an American above the Mendoza line! Get to reading, get to eating.

Onion Rings Are Fried American Goodness

“If it’s a vegetable, just cover it in dough and fry away the nature.”

~George Washington’s little-known cook book


In America, we like our food like we like our cars:  fast, greasy, and with scores of open containers of alcohol.  There’s a reason why you can’t think of a worthwhile American painter from the past 50 years but you can name a dozen fried food items you’ve ordered at a bar at one point in your life (French fries, jalapeno poppers, fried mushrooms, mozzarella sticks, chicken fingers, nachos, fried shrimp, chicken wings, need we go on?)   Yes, fried foods are delicious and unhealthy and sometimes involve beer, and we’ve told you plenty about the absurd combination of fried food goodness that exists in this nation.  But every so often, it’s time for us to take a step back and praise something absurdly unhealthy, yet so common place that we almost forget how special it truly is.

What we’re trying to say is…dammit Onion Rings, we can’t seem to quit you.  Here.  Have a fun fact.  A delicious, greasy fun fact.

We’re a classy enterprise, so we don’t feel it prudent to point out that this looks like a penis.

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America’s Strangest (And Greatest) Bacon Flavored Products

“Goddamn it, you’re right.  I AM delicious.”

~A pig


When someone goes up to you and asks, “What is the most American breakfast food imaginable” you’re never able to respond because your mouth is jammed full of delicious bacon.  To say that America is obsessed with bacon is like saying that John Hinckley, Jr. only had a “small crush” on Jodie Foster.  Whenever there’s a heart attack in America, the Bacon Council smiles wryly and adds a tally to a list somewhere.  Hell, there’s a group about bacon as a religion on facebook.  We love bacon because, unsurprisingly, America does bacon different and better than every other nation.

While bacon in itself is simply a cut of pork that’s been cured (usually in brine), many nations use “leaner” cuts of meat for their bacon, where America says “fuck it, what’s the fattiest part of a pig?  The pig belly?  Makes sense, let’s use that shit then.”  This is why English or Canadian bacon is nothing more than a salty pork chop, while American bacon is a glorious piece of art streaked with more fat than a bar of soap made in Fight Club.

“I don’t know, I’m partial to crispy myself.”

And while bacon deserves its own Fun Fact, we here at AFFotD feel impelled to talk about a phenomenon more specifically American than bacon itself.  We of course are referring to the American habit to make everything taste like bacon.  It’s the greatest thing to happen to capitalism since factories.  Every day, an executive says, “Let’s flavor this like bacon,” and when a subordinate asks, “why bacon?” he responds, “Because fuck you, you’re fired, bacon is delicious.”

It most certainly is.  With that in mind, we’re here to present you with…

America’s Strangest (And Greatest) Bacon Flavored Products

 

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AFFotD News Item of the Month: October, 2011 named “American Cheese Month”

“Hey.  Hey.  HEY!  Listen!  Hey.  We got this.  No.  No.  Trust us.  We got this.”

~Wisconsin


October is a month full of contradiction.  On one hand, Fall is infinitely better than Winter, and we are big fans of the beauty of watching the leafs change as well as the subtle racism that goes hand in hand with the wonderful weather conditions of Indian Summer.  On the other hand, Winter’s coming, and we’ve set a lot of forest fires this year so we’re sure to face their wrath in the form of motherfucking blizzards.  As much as October tries to win us over with generally mild weather conditions and Halloween, it’s also the month that has a large rise in the Zombie population while constantly warning us that Winter is coming.

Ugh, thanks a lot Jason Strange, just what we needed- our two least favorite things represented in our THIRD least favorite thing (a book)

However, America’s Councils for American Food (in America) have made a strong push to put a little additional awesome into the Month of November.  October already is National Caramel Month, National Cookie Month, National Dessert Month, National Pasta Month, National Pizza Month, AND National Pork Month.  In fact, October has more items that are celebrated in October than any other month of the year (poor August is only left with National Catfish Month).  So while you may think “Hey, October’s got enough going for it already” we would have to gentle remind you…there’s always room for cheese.

That’s right.  To continue our long-running, often forgotten AFFotD News Item of the Month Series, we’re here to announce…

October, 2011 named “American Cheese Month”  


“Now with 29% fewer ‘that’s Gouda’ puns!”

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Food Trucks: Mobile, Trendy, Fatty American Goodness

“The question at hand is…how do I get this…into my facehole without having to walk?”

~Americans at work


American society is often influenced by its fringes, and the fringe can decide seemingly at random what “old school” concept they want to reinvigorate and make fashionable.  In the past years, aspects of societies have flocked to make things like vinyl, cassettes, and artisanal soda fountains popular again.  By the way, in case you couldn’t tell, we’re talking about Hipsters.

Surprisingly enough, the latest Hipster endorsed cultural subset also happens to be incredibly American, while making lunch easier for working Americans in a difficult economy.  It’s where white people can go outside to decide if they want to listen to the eager shouts for business of a Latino man or a troop of Vietnamese sandwich slingers.  It’s where your coworkers will flock to be on the right corner so they can spend nine dollars to get Mac & Cheese with truffle oil.  It’s the American ideal that allows drunk college students to get “fat sandwiches” at three in the morning.

We are of course talking about the timeless, and currently trendy, notion of Food Trucks.

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(Even More of) America’s Most Ridiculous Fried Foods

“Holy boozy mother of fried mercy.”

~AFFotD Food Critic, John Goodman


You see what that is up there?  Chicken fried bacon.  We just figured we should rip that band-aid off right away, and let your brain adjust to that.  You know how, when you’re Scuba Diving, you’re not supposed to surface too quickly?  Well looking at this picture puts you all in danger of coming down with the Fried Food Bends.  It’s too much too fast.  You’re going to end up as an early Radiohead album.  Only, you know, fatter.

AFFotD has always been on the vangard of introducing you to the most terrifying foods that carnivals and deep friers have to offer.  It’s our duty to inform you of the most efficient ways to get calories in your body faster than Kirstie Alley falling into a vat of butter.  How else are we supposed to earn our blood money from Wendy’s if we don’t create a dozen new fat people everyday?  That’s right, we couldn’t, and their hired goons would ensure that our entrails were never found.  And we happen to like our entrails very much.  Which is why we’re here to team up with our ally, transfats, and present to you…

(Even More of) America’s Most Ridiculous Fried Foods

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AFFotD News Item of the Month: The Huffington Post Can Be Quite…PUNNY When Talking About a…HOT DOG of a Tale in the WURST Way and Oh God Just Kill Us Now, It’s A Fucking Story About The World’s Largest Bratwurst Okay? Not a Fucking Convention For Marx Brothers Enthusiasts. GodDAMNit.

“Heh…heh…puns.”

~The Huffington Post


Giant penis.  There, glad to get that out of our system.  AFFotD has made it an occasional habit to bring you moderately new “news” stories, if for no other reason than to save you from the terror of reading about something in a newspaper.  So whenever we’re talking about Brewmasters peeing in glasses or people drinking only beer for lent, we’re there…well, a few days later.

So when we see something about a Chicago restaurant setting a world record by making a 47-foot long bratwurst, you can count on us to fill you in, without making you wade through the treacherous sea of awful, cringe-worthy puns that certain articles by the goddamn Huffington Post about it choose to use.

Seriously, there’s more bad puns in the Huffington Post article about this sausage than a clown funeral.  Do clowns even use puns?  Would they say puns at a clown funeral?  We don’t know.  Stop bothering us.  Sausage is another way to describe a penis.

Uh.  Anyway.  Time for the news.

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Wendy’s Presents America Fun Fact of the Day 9/19- Beef Jerky Potato Chips

“We had a deal.  One reference of Wendy’s delicious food for every reference of a strange, crazy American food.  That was the deal.  That’s what we paid you for.  You don’t want the hose again, do you?”

~Wendy’s Executives


As we’ve discussed, in detail, previously, AFFotD sometimes has a tough time affording its excess alcohol and golden tennis racquets, and apparently the insurance company has stopped allowing us to put life insurance policies out on our Interns.  So, turning to the corporate realm, we’ve recently received financial backing from Wendy’s, who will sponsor every America Fun Fact of the Day about glorious, American foods.  Because nothing is more glorious than the Spicy Chicken Sandwich from Wendy’s!  Winter’s coming, so it’s time for you to bundle up and enjoy the original Spicy Chicken Sandwich.  You can have it with a side bowl of chili, French fries, or a baked potatoes, the possibilities are endless!

(Please help us.  Even their lawyers have guns.  Some of us have families.  Please.  Do something.)

Wendy’s is on the forefront of culinary technology, as evident by their deliciously American Baconator burger, and now they’re here to tell you, erm, have us tell you about the latest high point in American snacking!

Beef Jerky Potato Chips!  That’s not even sarcastic, we’re really excited about it.  Sweet Jesus that sounds great.  Erm, not as great as Wendy’s French Fries, now using all natural sea salt (Ugh.  Shoot us now).  But incredible nonetheless!

There is a God.  And he’s clearly American.

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Jelly Beans, America’s Substitute For Legumes

“I like sugar.  It reminds me of cocaine.  And I like cocaine.”

~Mr. Rogers

 

Annoying songs from the 60’s aside, we at America Fun Fact of the Day do enjoy sugar (sugar).  Though not so much the honey (honey).  Candy is delicious, gives you a brief sugar high, and can be turned into a stripper’s name simply by replacing the letter “y” with an “I”.  And one candy is a true American staple, created by the Civil War (seriously).  That’s right, over-eager Americans who already clicked that link, today’s Fun Fact is about the incredible, edible, delicious, nutritious, neat treat: the Jelly Bean.

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Wendy’s Presents America Fun Fact of the Day 9/8- Behold the Luther Double Down

“Did you clear this with us?  NO!  Don’t TALK about that shit on our dollar!  Now smear this makeup on and sexy dance for us, there’s a nickel in it for you.”

~Wendy’s Executives

 

We’re always on the lookout for new and exciting technologies in the area of culinary “OH MY GOD WHAT ARE YOU EATING PUT THAT DOWN JESUS CHRIST.”  Why do we remain so vigilant about discussing America’s most unhealthy foods with you, the vigilant American reader who no doubt had the fortitude to put in a bomb shelter in the 1960s?  Is it because fatty food tastes fucking delicious?  Sure.  Is it due to our longstanding feud with the American Heart Association ever since they decided not to endorse our “Whipped Cream Cannon”?  Mayyyybe.  But the fact that Wendy’s has been paying us to write about unhealthy food might have something to do with it.  That’s why we’re here to install another segment of Wendy’s Presents America Fun Fact of the Day!  They make us tell them our deepest, most embarrassing secrets so we can feed their hollow, hollow laughter!  The pain will never go away!  Wendy’s!

It was our own fault for trying to get our ad revenue from a craigslist ad…

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Wendy’s Presents America Fun Fact of the Day 7/28- Deep in the Heart (Attack) of Texas

“Earn your money, whore.  Earn your money and talk about our damn Frosties.”

~Wendy’s Executives


The staff of AFFotD are not, by the general definition, foodies.  We appreciate a fine steak as much as anyone, and we might have had an embarrassingly sexual response to hearing about gourmet cocktails that house Old Fashioneds inside an ice-shaped egg, and we’ll even shell a hundred bucks on a dinner and actually appreciate the meal, but…come on, people, we’ve written two articles about deep fried foods.  So if you tell us about any dish with the term “reduction sauce” in it, our eyes are likely to roll into the back of our heads like an A.D.D. Epileptic.  So when we scour the internet to find the latest American food inventions (Sponsored, as always, by Wendy’s.  Wendy’s: They pay us to dance and goddamn it we’re going to dance!) we don’t look for exciting uses of quail egg, or quick-freeze layers of liquefied ox tail, hell no, we want to see unhealthy shit piled up as high as our cholesterol.

And that’s when we found…

The “Deep in the Heart (Attack) of Texas” sandwich.  Yes.   Yes.  All of this yes.  (………Sponsored by Wendy’s)

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