Tag Archives: America

How Americans Can Con a John: An American Guide to Grifting

“Boy that’s a right nice dog yer got there.”

~A not-honest-John


We once accidentally stumbled onto a track by a British (ugh) group called “The Streets” which was called, “Never Con an Honest John.”  The entire song was step-by-step directions on how to grift someone using a dog from the kennel and convincing a stranger to assume the dog is worth several thousand dollars before tricking him into trying to buy it from you.  That’s because British people suck, and centering your scam around a dog is no way to go through life, EnglandGod.

That scam is called the Pedigree Dog, and it basically hinges on whether or not the bartender or store owner you leave the dog with is greedy.  You have the victim watch a stray dog you bring in on a leash, and have another con artist come in and claim to be a dog breeder willing to pay top dollar for the dog.  The victim greedily tries to buy the dog from you for less than the expert will pay, and the expert never comes back, leaving you with cash, and him stuck with a dog.

This is a fairly obvious example of a Con Job.  Like the great American film The Sting, swindling gullible and greedy people for money is a classic American institution.  While it seems unrealistic that someone would fall for this particular Con (some Con Men prefer to use a violin for this scam instead of, you know, a living goddamn creature), they absolutely do.

And we support the hell out of it.

And here’s to you, Mrs. Robbing-son

The term “Con Man” is short for “Confidence Man” because they have to gain the confidence of their mark, or target, in order to succeed.  And while we think that the Pedigree Dog is not that good of a con, and hate that we found out about it through the British, we do agree with the sentiment that you should never con an honest John, and therefore feel it is the duty of every American to know how to take advantage of those greedy-yet-naïve pillars of our society.  That’s why we are here with…

AFFotD’s Official Guide to Grifting, Conning, and Swindling

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America Fun Fact of the Day 8/14- August 14th in American History

“Sunday, Sunday, Sunday!  Hangover, hangover, hangover!”

~Demolition Derby Announcers

America Fun Fact of the Day is nothing but predictable.  We’ll talk about British people looting, and we’ll talk about brew masters pissing in glasses.  But one area where we’re predictable as shit is that you know on Saturdays you’re going to get an image of the week, and Sundays you know you’re gonna get a recap of what happened on that particular day in history.  You know this is going to happen.  And if this too “meta” for you, well, fucking deal.  Fucking.  Deal.

Anyway, back to our tradition of posting hungover as shit and telling you what happened during…

Today’s American Day in American History

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America Fun Fact of the Day 8/13- Saturday Image of the Week

TEDDY ROOSEVELT!  BIGFOOT!  TWO MEN ENTER!  ONE MAN LEAVES!  THUNDERDOMEEEEE!”

~The non-Australian version of Mad Max

America loves epic battles.  Ali versus Frazier.  Ali versus Foreman.  Some other epic battles that don’t involve Ali.  What we’re trying to say is that America loves badass fights.  And it’s Saturday, so you know that means you’re due an image of the week.  And yes, your assumption that today’s image will be a badass fight is totally correct.

Don’t say we’ve never done anything for you, America.  Here’s Teddy Roosevelt shooting up the motherfucking Bigfoot.

AGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!merica.

Have a good weekend everyone.

Bill Veeck Loved Midgets

“Midget!  Midget midget midget!”

~Bill Veeck


If there’s one complaint people have about baseball, it would be that it’s too straight laced.  That is, if they have a complaint about baseball.  That’s usually because baseball players only show a lot of effort for short periods of time before resting a while.  It’s the only sport that has a bench that doesn’t require a bench, because honestly, when was the last time you saw a guy walk to the dugout and need to rest his legs?

Photo unrelated

But if there was one man out there that understood how to jazz up Baseball and take an American sport even more American by adding something crazy, it would be the great Bill Veeck, a man who saw a sport that could be stuffy and uninviting and decided to liven the hell out of it, likely saying, “We gotta do something to make this game more exciting.  You know, something like a midget baseball player.  Well, not a midget baseball player, but you get the idea, something like that.”

“Dammit, fine let’s just go with it.”

Yes, Bill Veeck was a unique brand of MLB baseball team owner.  While some owners might have their team involved in messy divorce court proceedings, Veeck (“as in Wreck” as his autobiography so astutely put it) would do absurd promotion stunts (his ugly divorces very rarely involved the teams he owned).  As the last Baseball owner who was not independently wealthy, Bill Veeck had everything a true American could ask for.  A man who built himself from the ground up, lost a limb in the war, and caused a mass riot when he wanted to destroy as many Disco albums as possible.  Veeck was a man too great for embellishment, though we once heard that he could life a car over his head with one hand while juggling midgets with the other.  But only 3 midgets.  Like we said, we’re not going to embellish any of this.

So here’s the tale of the man with one leg and a love of midgets.

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The Army Smells Like General Patton

“Smells like PTSD.”

~The Army


When Americans are asked what they want to smell like, they tend to respond with slightly worried silence.  We understand that, it’s weird.  It’s personal.  And there’s no way to answer the question without sharing far more about yourself than you’d otherwise be comfortable doing.  If you say you want to smell “like rose and cinnamon” you probably are somewhat feminine and prefer sweet breakfasts over savory ones.  If you say you prefer the smell of axe body spray, you’re a douchebag.  If you respond by saying, “I want to smell like ropes and pepper spray,” uh, Jesus Christ you’re a kidnapper aren’t you?  Holy shit, you totally are.  You totally are.

So we’re not here to ask America what it wants to smell like.  We’d like to guess bourbon and cigar smoke, but maybe that’s just the optimist in us.  We’d at least feel pretty confident saying that “like General Patton” would be pretty low on most people’s list.

But the joke’s on you, because not only is there cologne that smells like General Patton, but there’s a whole line of colognes meant to smell like each branch of the American Military!  Because gimmicks are the only reason why we buy anything!

Which actually helps explain the popularity of T.G.I. Fridays.

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America Loves Tiny Apartments

“Weeeeeeeee represent…”

~…The Lollipop Guild

America is all about saving money.  Well that’s not true.  That’s a total lie in fact.  In fact, one of the great goals of America is that we’re supposed to make as much money as humanely possible (fuck you, Ghana!) and use it in the most absurd ways (you’re welcome, Mr. Chocolate Fountain Business Owner).  That’s America.  But despite our best intentions, most of us do not have Christopher Walken as a father, and our lives are not an extension of the island house scenes from Wedding Crashers.  So sometimes we Americans have to get inventive to live in the more popular American locations.

First of all, shut the fuck up New York.  We know this is about you, you don’t need to gloat about it.

No seriously, shut the fuck up.

Okay you goddamn New Yorkers.  This is about New York.  And tiny apartments.

And America loves tiny apartments.

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America Fun Fact of the Day 8/7- August 7th in American History

“Halfway through summer, eh wikipedia?  Keep that asshole winter out of here.”

~Johnny Roosevelt

Yup, summer is apparently halfway over, which sort of sucks, but means we still have a lot of summer left in America.  There’s plenty of time for barbeques and fireworks and knife fights in dimly lit back alleys, so we’re going to just make sure we appreciate it.  And speaking of back alley knife fights…we’ve got one coming up soon.  So for now you’re going to have to get your American fix with some…

Today’s date in American history

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America Fun Fact of the Day 8/6- Saturday Image of the Week

“Yeah, that’s something I would say.”

~Ernest Hemingway

It’s Saturday, so it’s time for another Image of the Week.  This one is particularly glorious, if we do say so ourselves. 

Rodeo Clowns Are Surprisingly Badass

“Of course you wish you were me.  My name is fucking Slim Pickens.”

~Fucking Slim Pickens


Badass American professions tend to look appropriately badass.  Firefighter outfits are the envy of every five year old on the block, cops get to wear uniforms that make them 30% more attractive, and people in the Army don’t have to wear those stupid berets anymore.  Superheroes get super costumes, and porn stars wear nothing, usually you can get a good idea of what line of work someone is in by what they wear.  However, every once in a while, incredibly American professions are given somewhat demeaning appearances, and the sheer degree of don’t-give-a-fuck emanated by these professionals only goes to prove their American values.

When thinking of the most American, badass profession that requires the most demeaning, confusing costumes, there is only one group of people who fit the bill.

That’s right.  We’re talking about Rodeo Clowns.

Seen here giggling and skipping away from the Grim Reaper (in bull form)

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Abraham Lincoln is a Super Mutant

“Four ass kickings and seven names taken ago… I’m trying to say I beat the shit out of people.”

~Abraham Lincoln


Many AFFotD readers have seen posts about legendary Americans such as Ulysses S. Grant, Teddy Roosevelt, and Teddy Roosevelt (“Oh hey, you guys made a mistake…you said Teddy Roosevelt twice.”  No we didn’t make any mistake, fuck you) and have likely thought that a few true American heroes were missing from the list.  Sometimes it’s because we’re lazy and we just read something about flavored vodka, but in other instances these figures can be to seminal to the American experience that summing up their accomplishments into a series of alcohol related dick jokes can be a daunting task.  Such is the case of the mutant American badass, and one of the most influential American ugly person president…Abraham Lincoln.

Yeah he did that too.

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