“Sunday, Sunday, Sunday! Hangover, hangover, hangover!”
~Demolition Derby Announcers
America Fun Fact of the Day is nothing but predictable. We’ll talk about British people looting, and we’ll talk about brew masters pissing in glasses. But one area where we’re predictable as shit is that you know on Saturdays you’re going to get an image of the week, and Sundays you know you’re gonna get a recap of what happened on that particular day in history. You know this is going to happen. And if this too “meta” for you, well, fucking deal. Fucking. Deal.
Anyway, back to our tradition of posting hungover as shit and telling you what happened during…
Today’s American Day in American History
“The habwasher makes the cranny go boom with the wimflazzle double decker!”
~…Ugh. Fucking Brits.
We here at AFFotD have firmly established that we are experts in the field of looting. We assumed that this knowledge would be necessary for the impending apocalypse, and because we’re all hedonistic Satanists who worship the false God of Whiskey (with his disciples, Jim, Jack, and M. Mark) we’re more likely to be left behind than an un-baptized Jewish infant.
Well, leave it to England to prove that humanity is just a barely contained bubbling pot of rage that is one police shooting of a drug dealer away from going fucking nuts. That’s our bad. Most good Americans cast aside their “faith in the basic decency of humanity” around the same time they got really into Calvin and Hobbes and decided to Wikipedia the guy the tiger was named after (philosophy joke high five!)
“State of nature, motherfuckers.”
Leave it to the Brits to fuck up the whole thing. Their idea of looting is burning buses and pummeling the occasional civilian into a comatose pulp. And yes, they have an idea of what “Looting” is in the same sense that breast-fed infants have an idea what “motor boating” is.
See that? That’s a bunch of British people who decided to set fire to a SONY warehouse that holds a bunch of CDs and records. The shit is that? Looters of London, the world is your oyster, and you have a sledgehammer, so why are you focusing all your efforts on smashing a piece of bread? Goddamn it, America’s gotta step in again and show you how to do it. Looks like it’s time for…
AFFotD’s Official Looters Guide to Rioting
Posted in Strange America
Tagged 7-11, baseball bats, Beer goggles, Billy Elliot, Calvin and Hobbes, Convenience Store, Cop, Cricket, Dexter, flaming dr. pepper, Jack Daniels, Jim Beam, John Hobbes, London Bobby, London Riots, Looters Guide to Riots, Looting, Makers Mark, molotov cocktails, My Fair Lady, Police, Rioting, Sony, Sweet Caroline, Whiskey