Tag Archives: America

Tagged America, Goshen College, National Anthem, Newsies, Northwestern University

The Informative American’s Guide to the Ills of the Beatnik Menace (originally published October, 1959)

Posted on September 7, 2011 | 1 comment

“Hey, smoking tea, hitting bongo drums, berets eh?”

~Beatniks, probably

Pictured bottom, left

We’ve mentioned the roots of America Fun Fact of the Day previously, we at AFFotD fear the future, and long for the warm, comforting, alcohol-hazed memories of the past. Beer’s been around for 11,500 years, really good beer’s been around two hundred years, and moonshining has been around just about as long. What else do we have to look forward to? Science has already made it abundantly clear they don’t care about our Back to the Future 2 desires for a hovering skateboard, so why should we give a crap about the future?

The “future” means “this terrifying soulless object is going to kill us all.”

So, like most Americans with an archive of company material and a kegerator full of Everclear at their disposal, we’ve decided to go back into our 1950’s archives, when life was simpler and alcohol came without surgeon general’s warnings. We’ve already given you an inside look into 1950’s parenting styles, as well as a helpful guide how to spot communists.

As it turns out, in the 1950’s AFFotD, previously known as “The Informative American” had a lot of helpful guides about the menaces of society. Which makes it remarkably comprehensive, because apparently in the 1950’s everything was a menace. Communists were a menace, cars from Japan were a menace, stores that chose to stay open during Sundays were a menace. And in this instance, the menace we were reading up on came from a 1959 article decrying the latest “menace” to hit American popular culture.

Today, we have hipsters. In the 70s, we had hippies. But back in the Leave it to Beaver age, the most terrifying thing imaginable was…running into a Beatnik, the stereotypical archetype that exhibited the more superficial tendencies of the Beat Generation. Berets, coffee, bongo drums, bad poetry, basically we’re dealing with Ned Flanders’ father here.

Well, we thought it was interesting to hear why they were everything wrong with America, so that’s why we present to you, straight from our archives…

The Informative American’s Guide to the Ills of the Beatnik Menace (originally published October, 1959)

“What are you doing to Kermit, you damned beatnik!?”

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Posted in The Informative American

Tagged America, Beatnik, Coffee, Kerouac, The Informative American

Copper Theft, America’s Favorite Crime

Posted on September 6, 2011 | Leave a comment

“So what if this is a live power station, I’m gonna get this copper wire if it kills m…”

~Last words of this fucker

Discovery and profit are no longer mutually inclusive terms. In fact, as the world gets larger in population but smaller in innovation, the concept of striking it rich and encountering unforeseeable treasures becomes increasingly fantastical. Gone is the thrill of Magellan’s exploration of uncharted land, increasingly improbable is the opportunistic zeal of the California Gold Rush.

But Americans love adventure, and even more than that, they love earning a lot of money without needing anything as far as “noticeable skill sets” go. Actually, we don’t even care too much for adventure- mixing alcohol with codeine is all the adventure most of us need for any given weekend- but we do love getting money we don’t earn. And by that, we mean stealing. And while you might need some amount of intelligence to con someone, you don’t need to have anything more than a moving truck to earn money in a way that an increasing amount of Americans are (illegally) doing.

Yup, we’re stealing the shit out of copper wire. And we’re here to salute that.

When you google image search “stealing copper” you see a disturbing amount of charred corpses. So here’s a picture of a baby bunny rabbit instead.

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Posted in Strange America

Tagged America, copper theft, Copper Wire, pandas, puppies

[REDACTED] Does Labor Day

Posted on September 5, 2011 | 1 comment

“You hear me? I’m not fucking around with soccer this time, assholes!”

~Redacted

Everyone has a whipping boy. Bart Simpson has Milhouse, Linguini has spaghetti. America has Canada. AFFotD has…[REDACTED]. The last few times you’ve heard from him we strapped him to an operating table like a convicted rapist in the Clockwork Orange universe and made him live-blog some women’s soccer games. Yes, we are particularly cruel, but what would you expect from someone who made his AFFotD eating fucking vegan food?

But there’s only so much you can push someone before they snap. And we’ve seen enough drunken beach invasions to know what happens when [REDACTED] snaps on us. So we try to keep him happy. Throw him a bone once or twice.

Here’s a step-by-step description of [REDACTED]‘s Labor Day. It’s good to be the king.

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Posted in [REDACTED]

Tagged America, Bourbon, Deep Fried Snickers, Hamburger, Labor Day, Pappy Van Winkle, Redacted

America Fun Fact of the Day 9/4- september 4th in American history

Posted on September 4, 2011 | Leave a comment

“Goddamn it, it’s labor day. Why are you in the office?”

~Johnny Roosevelt

As you may be aware, tomorrow is Labor Day. So not only is no one working today, but no one is even thinking of working tomorrow either. We’re pretty much the same way. So we’re going to do our standard...

Today’s Date in American History

Tagged America, Today in American History

America Fun Fact of the Day 9/3- Saturday’s Image of the Week

Posted on September 3, 2011 | Leave a comment

“In these parts, there be monsters.”

~Very possibly a Johnny Depp movie

As you’re aware, it’s Saturday, which means AFFotd is going to sexually assault your viewholes with some intensely American picture. It could be a car sideways inside a van. Could be Teddy Roosevelt killing Bigfoot. Could be, uh, this?

A question asked by many a heartbroken prison inmate. Have a good weekend, everyone.

Tagged America, Children's Book, Salad, Saturday Image of the Week, Tossed Salad

America Fun Fact of the Day’s Back-to-School Special

Posted on September 2, 2011 | Leave a comment

“I have to go to school? That’s bullshit.”

~You watch your fucking mouth, young man

Holy shit, America, it’s already September. And you know what that means. As we get to the time of the year that you’re either not supposed to wear white or you’re allowed to wear white again (we really can’t keep Labor Day and Memorial Day straight), the younger Americans, or younglings if you will, are forced to undergo an arduous nine month torture known as “Education.” That’s right, schools are oppressively well lit buildings where kids have to sneak to the bathroom to smoke and drink, and in the meantime they are forced to read books.

We even once heard that they teach Math there.

School is bullshit. Abraham Lincoln didn’t go to school, and he did just fine for himself. The only reason we go to school is so we can go to college, which National Lampoon films have informed us are only inhabited by cranky deans and attractive young people who are eager to get naked.

Anyway, it’s time for youngsters to get back to school, that’s why AFFotD is here to provide you kiddos with…

AFFotD’s Back-to-School Special!

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Tagged Alcohol, America, Back to School, School

Big Face Animal- The Future of Howling Wolf Shirts

Posted on August 30, 2011 | 8 comments

“Whatever, I’m so over the three wolves shirt. I need something else to ironically show my derision of the trailer park culture.”

~Some fucking hipster

We’ve previously informed you of the powers that Americans receive while wearing a shirt that has wolves on it. The math equation that determines the abilities you receive in relation to the amount of teeth you have missing and the number of wolves on your shirt is impossible to figure out, because if you’re wearing a wolf shirt you have no business trying to learn what the word “math” means anyway. If you’re wearing any shirt with wolves on it, every moment you waste saying words that are longer than two syllables is a moment you should be using to discover new types of saturated fats.

Yes, the three wolves howling at the moon shirt is the American equivalent of a Superman costume, or a undershirt soaked through with chicken grease. It’s a uniform you can use to declare who you are (American) and what you stand for (America) and what your favorite big word is (xenophobia). But we live in a time where ideals and fashions change at breakneck speed, so it shouldn’t come as a surprise that America has outpaced itself in the “ridiculous animals on shirt” department.

We at AFFotD are here to introduce you to the newest way to rebound from your ex-wife getting the double-wide in the divorce settlement…

That’s right. It’s the Big Face Animals shirt collection by The Mountain. We know, you’re so happy right now. Time to dive in and pick out the best, most gloriously American shirts that you know you’re going to spend twenty dollars that smells suspiciously like possum on.

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Posted in America's Greatest Fun Facts, Big Face Animal Shirts

Tagged Air Force, America, Big Face Animal, Eagles, Marines, T-Shirt, Wolves Howling at the Moon

AFFotD’s Guide to Procrastination

Posted on August 29, 2011 | Leave a comment

“I’ll do it later.”

~America

America used to be a land of hard work and enterprise. In the matter of a generation we went from dirt roads to bustling highways. The Empire States Building was built in only 410 days for less money (adjusted for inflation) than the projected costs for a renovation project it is currently undergoing (sure, 5 people died during the construction, but they were probably immigrants). The point being, back in the day, America was all about working their asses off to earn a living.

In actuality, America is a lot like two of our favorite actors- Marlon Brando and Orson Wells. What do they have in common? Well, they started off as bright, hard working thespians…before deciding, “eh fuck it” and shoveling everything they could into their face. America is exactly like that. We as a nation worked our ass off so that we could waste as much time as possible on our employer’s dime. If you had someone working 80 hour weeks for minimum wage, we’d just chalk that up to their illegal immigrant status and try to find a job that lets you get drunk on your lunch hour. Which is why we’re here to present a guide to a truly American art form, one that we refine and improve upon each internet-aided year. We humbly present you with…

AFFotD’s Guide to Procrastination (if we feel like finishing it)

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Tagged America, Construction, Office Jobs, Procrastinating, Union

America Fun Fact of the Day 8/28- August 28th in American History

Posted on August 28, 2011 | 1 comment

“Last Sunday in August…no need to change things now…”

~Johnny Roosevelt

Look at that map up there. This is the last Sunday in the month of August 2011. This will be the last Sunday ever in an August in the year 2011. Let that sink in.

Sunk in? Good. Now it’s time for the normal.

Today’s Date in American history (America Edition)

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