Category Archives: The Rest of Them

Because every once and a while someone writes a book about Belgians being monsters, and we want to write about those things.

The Fenian Brotherhood: Invading Canada, From America, For Ireland

“Ha ha, guys, what are you doing?  Come on, stop that.”

~American and Canadian Forces, 1866

fenian

For years, we’ve treated Canada like our polite, little brother to the North.  They’re friendly, they send over some comedians we like, and excluding the time they killed the Baldwin family in the South Park movie, they’ve been an adequate ally and neighbor.  We tend to forget that they’re technically still a Commonwealth of England, with the Queen on their currency and everything, but we don’t really care about that, since we’ve not really had a beef with England since they burned down our White House and we were forced to replace it with a much more kickass presidential residence.

Now, while Canada has never really done anything wrong by us, England does have its fair share of people pissed off at them.  Like, say, the Irish.  Oh yeah, the Irish have a very sticky history with England and, well, there’s no nuanced way to say this so we’ll just spit it out—a bunch of Irish Americans invaded Canada as a “fuck you” to England, which is just about the closest we as a nation has come to invading Canada since the early 1800s.  So that’s a thing, a thing that happened, in history.  Let’s talk about it.

That One Time the Fenian Brotherhood Kept Invading Canada From America

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ALDI: Revisited and Re-reviewed

“Jesus Christ, why do you all love Aldi so much?”

~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief, Johnny Roosevelt

aldi

Three years ago, no, sorry, more than three years ago, we posted a little joke article on our jokey informative site.  It was called, “ALDI Owns Trader Joe’s, Corners the Market on Cheap Food Knockoffs.”  It was fine.  It made a lot of jokes about ALDI being for poor people, because their stuff is super cheap, their products almost comically try to mimic the name and design of name brands, and if you’ve ever been to an ALDI that’s not in a kind of shitty neighborhood, well congratulations you live in New Hampshire, shut up.  Oh, we said something like, “there are two kinds of people in this world, those that shop at ALDI, and those that have jobs.”  Ha ha, a little joke, making fun of how cheap and cost-cutting ALDI is.

And holy shit, people got mad.

shar comment

Like, really mad.

bernotas comment

Like, fucking three years later, out of the fucking blue mad.

pete comment

By the way, outside of Pete’s spelling of “8insurance” being absolutely hilarious, we love the email he listed in his “you must put an email to post a comment” section (yes, we can see what email you use, yes most of them are obviously fake, and a surprising amount of you go into making your fake email address specific to your comment, which, hey, kudos.)  It was nycceo@yahoo.com.  NYC CEO!  That’s so perfect.  That’s the funniest thing we’ve ever seen from someone trying to center their argument with a brick wall around the concept of “I am a CEO, and even I go to 8ALDI.”  We had to email the address, just to make sure it was fake.  No, seriously, we had to know.

email

Damn.

Anyway, the point being, we’ve gotten nearly a dozen comments, all angry, all insisting that ALDI is amazing, and that we’re wrongheaded bigots for daring to insult it.  We’re close-minded in dismissing this righteous, German-owned chain of grocery stores.  These billionaire owners of ALDI deserve better!  They sell us fruit cups a dollar cheaper than Rite Aid!  So it appears you sons of bitches want us to re-evaluate our stance on ALDI, because fucking everyone has way too strong of an opinion about that store.  Fine.  We’ll do you that favor.  This is literally the first time we’ve had to revisit a topic, but we’re doing it for you, the social media managers of ALDI the fans.

ALDI:  Revisited and Re-reviewed

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The Ten Longest Films Ever Made

“Man, and I thought Lord of the Rings was too long…”

~American Film Critics

lady clock

We like our movies like we like our sexual encounters—brief, anonymous, and preferably ending with you sobbing uncontrollably while watching Ryan Gosling kiss another woman.  Whether we’re watching Nicholas Sparks play out his latest sexual fantasy of star-crossed lovers being separated for 50 years by dire circumstances only to die of cancer the day they’re supposed to meet again, or someone gave Michael Bay $150 million to be the pyrotechnic version of Bamm-Bamm Rubble, American films are the world’s primary source for laughter, entertainment, and taking a brief respite from our bleak, miserable lives to watch Brad Pitt casually eat something while pretending we’re his friend.

There was a time when epic sagas were the norm in Hollywood, which is why Ben-Hur is over three-and-a-half hours long, and also why most of us never saw Ben-Hur once we were informed that the film was 212 boobless minutes.  Nowadays, we like our movies shorter, more action-packed, and Anne Hathaway naked-ier.  Yes, we’ll sit through the occasional three hour opus, but that’s about as long as we’re able to physically sit still without our ADD kicking oh hey look there’s a bird.  Besides, we can’t waste all our free time watching a single movie.  We have things to do.  There are bars literally just outside the theater, taunting us.

Yes, we know how to squeeze $200 million into a handy 90-minute package, but we’re America.  We invented, perfected, and then perverted everything you know and love about modern cinema.  Other countries don’t quite get the hint, which is why you see places like China making 14-hour films.

And that’s not even one of the ten longest films ever created.  Since we at AFFotD are public servants, we’re going to save you the trouble of knowing which impossibly long films to avoid by listing off the ten films with the longest running time.  And since we can’t imagine a world where people make day-long movies without something terrible and dark having happened in their childhood, we will also inform you what life-ruining tragedy must have happened to the countries of the world that would actually sit through these exercises in torture.

The Ten Longest Films Ever Made

 Die hard

Because if you’re going to stare at a movie screen for 14 hours, you’d better damn well be watching all the Die Hard movies.

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The World’s 10 Most Expensive Yachts

“I have more money than you, and a much smaller penis.”

~The owners of the world’s most expensive yachts

streets of morocco yacht

It takes a certain kind of person to own a boat.  Unless you’re a mountain man with a hand-fashioned canoe, boat ownership tends to require a specific combination of “disposable income”, “access to a large water mass”, and “possessing a desire to spend your time bobbing on said water mass.”  That said, among those who meet these criteria, there are still a myriad of reasons that we buy boats.  Some like to go fishing, or just appreciate the calmness of the sea.  Still others like adventure, and use their boats to compete in thousand-league-long races, or travel the globe.  Every one of these individuals feels a deep seated passion for the sea (or their nearest lake) and a sense of oneness with these bodies of water that harkens the very spirit of those who sailed across the endless ocean to find America in the first place.  It’s an admirable hobby (or obsession, depending on the level of commitment).

And then, of course, there are the douchebags that buy floating mansions to flaunt their wealth.  These people like to spend a few million dollars to buy a boat that they can anchor within view of the nearest beach while surrounded with bikini-clad women who are 30 years younger than them.  It’s not exactly the best subset of American culture, but…well, yeah, on the scale of “positive examples of American culture” it’s right between “people who cook meth in 20-ounce plastic soda bottles” and “people who go to fancy restaurants and order a bottle of ‘ka-ber-net sah-vig-none’ unironically.”

trailer trash

Pictured above:  could be either group, actually

Thankfully, America tends to stay out of the “trying to prove that you’re totally not impotent by making the largest, most expensive yacht in the nation” race (with one exception) but some people (cough, Saudi princes and Russian billionaires) can’t seem to be satisfied with a measly ten million dollar yacht requiring a permanent crew.  So we decided to pool together a semi-definitive list of the most expensive boats to ever grace our oceans (God, we hope they’re at least going on the ocean.  A giant multi-million dollar taking up an entire lake seems like the ultimate “fuck you” to poor people).  It’s free to look, because you’ll never be able to afford a single one of them.

The World’s Most Expensive Yachts

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AFFotD Summer Olympics Viewing Guide

“J-I-N-G-O and Jingo was his name-o!”

~Olympics!

Every two years, Americans gather around their television sets to root for a bunch of sports that are either stupid but fun (Winter) or largely stupid (Summer) with the single goal of flipping the bird to every other country while saying, “We’re better than you in every possible way.”  The Olympics are beautiful, and the closest we can come to Manifest Destiny without the ACLU being all up on our asses.  It also helps remind us why China is a terrifying force who we have to defeat, lest they get cocky and we find ourselves in a Red Dawn situation.

As the Summer Olympics come and pass, and everyone spends two weeks pretending to care about gymnastics, running, and swimming, we are here to give you a handy guide of what American sports you should enjoy during the Olympics, and which sports you should avoid at all costs.

AFFotD’s Official Summer Olympics Guide

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AFFotD Reviews The Five Ethnic Foods That Were Invented In America

“…YOINK!”

~American Chefs

We’re all familiar with the term “Ethnic food.”  It’s an easy, catch-all phrase that we tend to interpret as “shouldn’t your drunk ass be reaching for something American like a hamburger instead?”  Chinese Food, Mexican Food, other foods that tend not to be open as late or taste as delicious when drunk so we’re not even going to bother to list them, yes all of these are foods of foreign nations that America has begrudgingly accepted with open, inebriated arms.

Of course, the popularity of Ethnic Food would make us a little upset at the lack of Americans preferring to eat steaks with an American Flag tastefully branded into it during the cooking process if it weren’t for one surprising fact.  Most of the best Ethnic Food isn’t Ethnic at all.  It was invented right here, in the USA.

That’s right.  If this list from Mental Floss is to be believed, any unhealthy food you can do, we can do better.  So what else can we do but go through each American invented “ethnic” dish and discuss how American it was for us to hijack their cuisine and put our MSG loving paws on it.

AFFotD Reviews The Five Ethnic Foods That Were Invented In America

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The Strangest Pizza Hut Menu Items In The World

“Pizza Hut:  Taste The Rainbow!”

~Okay, you got us, we’re not particularly knowledgeable about advertising slogans

Pizza chains are a staple of American society.  They give us the ability to not have to leave the house when the game is on and we’re “legally” too day-drunk to drive, they afford us a convenient, no-silverware way to jam as much sodium and grease-based calories into our systems as humanly possible, and most of all, well, pizza is just fucking delicious.  And while Papa Johns might earn our favor by using the Super Bowl as an excuse to give you free pizza, and Domino’s is doing its best to stop people from calling everything “artisanal,” Pizza Hut will always hold the crown as America’s leaders in cheese stuffed saucy goodness.

Yes, Pizza Hut has been stuffing our gullets since 1958, and ever since has innovated how we look at pizza, from the stuffed crust pizza to the stuffed TOPPING pizza.  As Pizza Hut has become bigger and more international, however, they have expanded their menus to accommodate non-American tastes.  While sometimes this involves pizza products that we wish they sold here in America, more often than not, these new international Pizza Hut dishes involve terrifying reminders of why every other nation except for America (and, we guess, some of those Europe countries) considers food preparation as a challenge to see who can offend God’s culinary sensibilities the most.  Hint, it’s probably going to end up being Japan.

It’s always Japan.

The Strangest Pizza Hut Menu Items In The World

 

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Good Job By You! The 10 Most Pro-American Nations

“Don’t worry America, WE still love you.”

~America’s Mother

We’re gonna get real for a second here.  A lot of countries?  For some reason or another, they’re not particularly fond of us.  We know, it’s surprising to us as well.  But just like some people dislike ice cream, or consider themselves asexual, some other countries just don’t like us.  It’s strange, don’t ask us to try to explain it.  But while we’re known to foster a lot of negativity on this site, or at the very least come up with hurtful names for people we don’t like, every once and a while we like to cut back on the bile and applaud non-American locations for, well, putting up with us.

So when we saw an AskMen article listing the top 10 America loving countries, we figured, eh, why not write a Fun Fact applauding those countries.  And if the judge asks, this totally counts as our community service, and it totally took us 40 hours to write it.

Good Job By You!  The 10 Most Pro-American Nations

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Wherein AFFotD Lampoons The Naivety of Foreigners Who Dare Protest The Intrinsic Value Of 10 Fine American Traditions (Part 2, Electric Boo-Ga-Loo)

“Listen, we don’t care if we’re coming off as defensive, don’t call us strange, okay?”

~AFFotD Staff

American Traditions are the glue that hold our society together.  Be it drinking beer while watching football, drinking bloody marys and mimosas during brunch, or even one of the small handful of traditions that doesn’t involve alcohol, American Traditions are what make this country great, and are part of the reason why every other nation secretly wish they were us (trust us on this point, you know how a 3rd grader shows he likes a girl by pinching her?  When other countries burn our flag in protest, it’s because they’re totally into us).

Now, yesterday we spent a lot of time making fun of the name of one “Jessika Toothman” who writes for HowStuffWorks.com due to the fact that she had the audacity to write an article about American traditions she feels would be considered “Strange” to foreigners.  Strange?  More like “awesome.”  You know what’s strange?  Spelling Jessica with a fucking K.  We made that joke yesterday, and we don’t care, that’s how angry we are about this article.  So that’s why we have, for you, part two of…

AFFotD Lampoons The Naivety of Foreigners Who Dare Protest The Intrinsic Value Of 10 Fine American Traditions (Part 2, Electric Boo-Ga-Loo)

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Wherein AFFotD Lampoons The Naivety of Foreigners Who Dare Protest The Intrinsic Value Of 10 Fine American Traditions

“We’re not strange, YOU’RE strange, shut up internet.”

~AFFotD Staffers

When we want to say that something is, without fail, awesome, we refer to that thing as an “American Tradition.”  Seriously, when have you ever heard of “American Tradition” being used in a bad way?  Baseball is an American tradition, fake birth certificates are not.  Fireworks are an American Tradition, and hand reconstruction surgery is improving each and every year.  If something has been deemed an American Tradition, that’s like America’s version of the hall of fame (we’d like to introduce this year’s recipient to our American Tradition list: Playing beer pong using mixed drinks when you run out of beer but want to keep playing).

It is with this in mind that we have to bring your attention to yet another site that is trying to besmirch America with their “articles.”  You know what this means, it’s time for us to take a massive shit on someone else’s writing.

Today’s recipient of our ire is the website “HowStuffWorks” for their egregious slideshow (eww, slideshow?) about “10 Strange American Traditions.”  Umm, asshats, is being awesome strange, because that’s the only way we can make heads or tails out of your article’s title.  These 10 American activities have been chosen because the writers here think that other nations would find them “strange at best.”  Which means that they totally named this article the wrong thing.  It should be called “10 American Traditions That Prove That Every Other Country Is Doing It Wrong.”

Hold us back, Internet.  Hold us back…

AFFotD Lampoons The Naivety of Foreigners Who Dare Protest The Intrinsic Value Of 10 Fine American Traditions

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