“They’re back. Trying to tell us what’s American. I knew this day would someday come.”
~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief Johnny Roosevelt
Early this year, we brought to your attention a terrifying article from Fortune magazine that literally made us angry with rage. This “article” tried to inform us what they believed to be the 100 most “American” things out there. Of course, this largely involved nature and saluting alcohol containers that don’t’ have alcohol in them, which made us spew such vile and vitriol towards this corporation that they’ve yet to recover (we can only assume).
So while we were going through our lengthy (lengthy) enemies list, we found that Fortune had not only survived our horrendous literary assault (we literally said that they were not American enough to drink whiskey) but they had the audacity to try to submit another “100 great things in America” list.
We know what you’re thinking. “Oh shit, it’s on.” But before you let your righteous blood lust get the best of you… they actually did a much better job of it this time. They sort of explained their lack of great historical figures (they’re not putting dead people in there, though somewhat ironically they put Steve Jobs in the top 20. Hi-yo!) and they managed to put Pappy Van Winkle bourbon in the top 20. In fact, most of this list is pretty damn spot on, especially the top 10 which has 9 very solidly American items listed. It’s really refreshing to see someone see your critiques of their assessment of America and really work on correcting it.
That said, we’re a petty bunch, so we’re going to nitpick the shit out of this list, and just crush the 20% of list items that we disagree with.
AFFotD snark team, assemble!
“If you make fun of my spot on this list (#92) I will use my substantial power and animal-as-toilet-paper fetishes to destroy your feeble website”
Duly noted, Zuckerberg.
“I’m the best, man, I deed it.”
Believe it or not, despite the high fat, high alcohol diet our entire staff is mandated to adhere to, one of our writers ran a marathon back in 2006. When we asked him to explain why he would subject himself to the excessive training required to run a distance that killed the first person who ever attempted to run it, he just shrugged and said, “I heard that they were giving out free beer to runners at the fifteen mile mark. And they did. So you know, free beer.” When we pointed out that he had to pay a good amount of money just to run in the Marathon in the first place, he stopped listening and took a nap.
The thing with Marathons is that the main reason most of us run them is to just say we did. Yet despite that, now runners are fitted with a special microchip that tracks their race (and disqualifies them if they try any shortcuts). And part of the reason we have to do that is because of someone who wasn’t born in America. But we’ll get to that later.
America has no problem with cheating, but we at least try to be decent about it. Yes, it’s technically cheating if you take performance enhancing drugs, but seriously, if you’re on steroids, you still have to exercise six hours a day to become a professional level athlete. Plus you’re ruining your bodies doing it, so you at least pay for what you’re doing when you cheat like that. Plus, it’s not cheating if you don’t get caught, and American’s don’t like to get caught (high five Lance Armstrong!)
Which is why we’re proud to point out three high profile cases where people cheated in running a Marathon…by simply skipping to the finish line. And why is this an American Fun Fact? Because it proves that America is superior, since every instance listed is from a non-American. Take that, rest of the world’s self-esteem. We might never beat a Kenyan in a Marathon again, but we can at least take solace in the fact that we went about things more honestly than these three people.
America Fun Fact of the Day Presents: Foreigners Who Cheated at Marathons
“Boys, get out your phallus thesaurus, we got ourselves a good old-fashioned blog fight!”
~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief Johnny Roosevelt
America Fun Fact of the Day prides itself as being an apolitical entity. Sure, we’ll rip on Jimmy Carter, but really, who gives a shit about Jimmy Carter? We also rip on Richard Nixon because we’re pretty sure he tried to coax us into the back of a van with candy one time. We don’t talk about George Bush other than to point out that, surprisingly, Dick Cheney was not one of America’s ugliest vice-presidents, and we don’t talk about Barack Obama other than to point out that motherfucker is brewing beer and that’s kind of awesome. But when actual politics come into the fold, we like to sit on the sideline. Honestly, if you belong to a particular political party, we don’t really care unless you threaten to take away our booze or say shit against America. Oh, and we have issues with PETA, but they don’t count.
Seriously, how can a protest campaign ONLY center around naked women and mutilated animals? How does that make sense?
So when it comes to strong political ideals, we don’t really get the point. The only difference between a tax cut and a tax hike is a bottle of whiskey and a drunken competitive game of skee ball. We feel the need to point out that we have no liberal agenda, and no conservative agenda, and we go so far out of our way to avoid taking sides on hot topic issues that we won’t even make jokes about abortions, since both sides react to those by throwing eggs at us, and we hate having to clean our fucking walls.
Why are we going out of the way to point out how politically neutral we are? Because we’re going to direct our editorial, American venom towards a left-wing blog. “Oh, AFFotD, that’s not cool, why would you pick on a Liberal blog? There are insane Conservative blogs all over, saying all sorts of inflammatory shit.” We know, dear reader, we understand your trepidation. But you should know what this blog is called.
Aww HELL no! We’re ready to go all Mike Adams on your headass. The gloves are off. This is America we’re talking about, we need to defend it from eunuchs like this.
Posted in The Rest of Them
Tagged America, America is Doomed, Barack Obama, BLOG WAR!, BLOG WARRRRR, Buffalo Bill, Democrat, Dick Cheney, Freelance Journalist, George Bush, Jeffrey Dahmer, Jimmy Carter, Johnny Roosevelt, Medieval Times, PETA, Republican, Richard Nixon, Skee Ball, Starquakes, The Love Guru, Twilight, Whiskey
“Book review? Only if it’s extremely negative to other cultures. It IS? Sure I’ll give it a shot, then”
~AFFotD Book Reading Guy, Chuck Palahniuk
Books are scary. Look at those assholes up there, just… looking all…rustic and shit. Since you are reading an America Fun Fact of the Day, we can safely assume that we should explain what books are to you, the semi-literate reader.
“Hey that there tuxedo bird hurt it head, hyuk”
Books are a series of pieces of paper that are usually organized in a way to inform the reader or tell a story. They are “bound” together using glue or string or magic or whatever shit they use, and the front of a book is usually a “cover” that will have a picture telling you what the book is called, and giving you an idea what it is about. About half the time the cover has something to do with Fabio. Popular books include, The Bible, Harry Potter, and The Day My Butt Went Psycho. Books should be viewed as dangerous, however, as they often will force Americans to read, and greatly increase your risk of paper cuts, which always suck, no matter how much Neosporin you put on them.
IT DOES NOTHING!
That is why we at the AFFotD offices are hesitant to begin our next segment. While we were perusing the google translate for various Belgium website (as most people do in their spare time when their firewall blocks out porn) when we found a garbled article decrying a book written by an American that paints the Belgians (Belgiums? Belges? Gums?) in a particular negative right. For whatever reason, Belgians had a problem with this book, and were offended by it. That got our attention. If an American is pissing off a foreign nation, we’re going to approve of it. When we found out that it was a children’s book with pictures, we got even more excited, because that meant that at least 60% of our staff would be able to make some sense out of it at least. And finally, we saw the title…
Yes, that’s right. Let’s Kill All The Belgians: A Child’s Guide to Genocide. We had a lengthy argument in the office about if that was the best book title ever, or the best book title ever, eventually settling on a fistfight. So we figured, coming in at a whopping seven pages, we out to give Danny Wind’s masterpiece a proper review. So now, here is the first ever AFFotD Book Review (of America!)
Posted in The Rest of Them
Tagged AFFotD Book Review, America, Belgium, Books, Catcher in the Rye, Chuck Palahniuk, Danny Wind, Fabio, Gin, Harry Potter, Kill all the Belgians, Moby Dick, Neosporin, Penguin, Red Dawn, The Bible, The Day My Butt Went Psycho, The Great Gatsby, tuxedo, Vegitables, Xenophobia, Zombie
“A million thumbs up!”
~A drunken Roger Ebert
Entertainment is always crafted with a certain audience in mind. Joss Whedon creates TV shows and films to cater to feminists and nerds. Michael Bay makes films for people who hate coherent plots but love boobs and bombs. Ever since 2002, M. Night Shyamalan has been making films intended for recent stroke victims.
“Is that my daughter on the television tube?”
However, there is a special subset of films that are occasionally released that the AFFotD staff loves the most. Obviously, these would be movies meant for true Americans. While these movies are often properly lauded, occasionally they slip through the cracks, and instead of sweeping the Oscars get mediocre reviews from critics, despite being badass enough to warrant a “probably won’t be that good” remake.
We’re of course talking about the film Red Dawn, which will be reviewed in today’s issue of…
AFFotD’s Night at the Movies
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Tagged AFFotD at the Movies, America, Caroline in the City, Charlie Sheen, Jennifer Grey, Joss Whedon, M. Night Shyamalan, Michael Bay, Patrick Swayze, Powers Boothe, Red Dawn, Roger Ebert, Signs