Category Archives: Insulting Foreigners

Because apparently things happen to countries that aren’t America, and we occasionally write about them. Doesn’t mean we have to like it, though sometimes we do begrudgingly offer our approval. Only sometimes though. Goddamn it, Japan, you’re doing it wrong!

Goddamn it, Japan, You’re Doing It Wrong: Japanese Doritos

Posted on September 5, 2012 | 19 comments

“What…what is…happening?”

~An American Stoner in Japan

Japan is terrifying.  We’ve said this before, but it bears repeating. Japan is terrifying.  Japan is like that one friend you have that goes out of his way to say things that will gross everyone out, only that friend is really good at it, and he does a lot of stuff with poop.  We’ll admit that Japan admires American culture, in the sense that they see our products like Pepsi and Kit Kats and decide to just get weird with them.

AFFotD has made it a point to keep you, the public, informed of such terrifying food antics by the nation of Japan, which is why we’re here to continue our look inside Japanese junk food with…

Goddamn it, Japan, You’re Doing It Wrong:  Japanese Doritos

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AFFotD Summer Olympics Viewing Guide

Posted on August 2, 2012 | Leave a comment

“J-I-N-G-O and Jingo was his name-o!”

~Olympics!

Every two years, Americans gather around their television sets to root for a bunch of sports that are either stupid but fun (Winter) or largely stupid (Summer) with the single goal of flipping the bird to every other country while saying, “We’re better than you in every possible way.”  The Olympics are beautiful, and the closest we can come to Manifest Destiny without the ACLU being all up on our asses.  It also helps remind us why China is a terrifying force who we have to defeat, lest they get cocky and we find ourselves in a Red Dawn situation.

As the Summer Olympics come and pass, and everyone spends two weeks pretending to care about gymnastics, running, and swimming, we are here to give you a handy guide of what American sports you should enjoy during the Olympics, and which sports you should avoid at all costs.

AFFotD’s Official Summer Olympics Guide

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Posted in China, England, France, Miscellaneous America, The Rest of Them

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Goddamn it Japan, You’re Doing it Wrong: Japan’s Strangest Pepsi Flavors

Posted on July 24, 2012 | 4 comments

“Ha ha, you fools!  You foolish fools!”

~Coca-Cola Executives

Pepsi, which you might know as, “Huh, really?  This Taco Bell doesn’t serve Coke?” is the  second most popular soft drink manufacturer in America.  Created in 1898 in North Carolina as “Brad’s Drink” (which we are on the record as thinking is the best name, by the way), it eventually was renamed Pepsi-Cola in 1903, and has been known as just Pepsi ever since 1961.

Throughout its history, it has consistently been less popular than Coca-Cola, a situation which it attempted to remedy with fairly awesome and insane marketing strategies and slogans.  Seriously, some early slogans for Pepsi included, “More Bounce to the Ounce,” “Don’t be a Tramp, Buy a Can”, and “Twice as Much for a Nickel” (that last one was their official slogan for eleven years).  And sure, they miiight have set Michael Jackson on fire and started his lifetime dependence on painkillers that eventually took his life, but, uh…hey, it’s the choice of a new Generation!

Either way, America knows that to get people drinking Pepsi, all they have to do is stage taste tests, get musicians to endorse it, or we guess call people tramps (you fucking tramps).  However, when Japan gets their hands on it, they try to drum up interest by doing shit like this…

This is Pepsiman.  He is the mascot of Pepsi in Japan.  He now lives exclusively in your nightmares, every time you close your eyes.

Yup, that’s right America, it’s time for another installation of our critically acclaimed (?  Okay, sure) segment-

Goddamn it Japan, You’re Doing it Wrong:  Japan’s Strangest Pepsi Flavors

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AFFotD Reviews The Five Ethnic Foods That Were Invented In America

Posted on July 10, 2012 | Leave a comment

“…YOINK!”

~American Chefs

We’re all familiar with the term “Ethnic food.”  It’s an easy, catch-all phrase that we tend to interpret as “shouldn’t your drunk ass be reaching for something American like a hamburger instead?”  Chinese Food, Mexican Food, other foods that tend not to be open as late or taste as delicious when drunk so we’re not even going to bother to list them, yes all of these are foods of foreign nations that America has begrudgingly accepted with open, inebriated arms.

Of course, the popularity of Ethnic Food would make us a little upset at the lack of Americans preferring to eat steaks with an American Flag tastefully branded into it during the cooking process if it weren’t for one surprising fact.  Most of the best Ethnic Food isn’t Ethnic at all.  It was invented right here, in the USA.

That’s right.  If this list from Mental Floss is to be believed, any unhealthy food you can do, we can do better.  So what else can we do but go through each American invented “ethnic” dish and discuss how American it was for us to hijack their cuisine and put our MSG loving paws on it.

AFFotD Reviews The Five Ethnic Foods That Were Invented In America

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Posted in America's Best Foods, The Rest of Them

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England’s Five Greatest Foes (Apparently)

Posted on May 31, 2012 | Leave a comment

“Do not fuck with me, England.”

~George Washington

George Washington is a lot like Gizmo from Gremlins.  He’s a good guy that you don’t want to be on the bad side of, and we’re only assuming that he doesn’t like getting wet.  While we’re at it, we’re just going to assume that the both of them hated the British as well.

Well, now we at least know that the Brits are still terrified of Washington.  According to a recent poll run by the National Army Museum of the UK to determine who was Britain’s greatest foe of all time, Washington came out in first place.  While we wonder who decided to come up with the short list of enemies (Hitler, for example, seems strangely absent) we are pleased that our European allies still go to sleep at night with nightmarish visions of Washington’s wooden teeth and laser vision.

As much as we applaud Washington’s place as the badass of all badasses, as journalists (ha!) it is our sworn (?) duty to delve as deeply into this issue as possible.  So, it’s time to begrudgingly compare Washington to the rest of the people England considers their sworn enemy to see if the honor is anything worth getting excited over.

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Posted in England, Washington

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The Strangest Pizza Hut Menu Items In The World

Posted on May 1, 2012 | 15 comments

“Pizza Hut:  Taste The Rainbow!”

~Okay, you got us, we’re not particularly knowledgeable about advertising slogans

Pizza chains are a staple of American society.  They give us the ability to not have to leave the house when the game is on and we’re “legally” too day-drunk to drive, they afford us a convenient, no-silverware way to jam as much sodium and grease-based calories into our systems as humanly possible, and most of all, well, pizza is just fucking delicious.  And while Papa Johns might earn our favor by using the Super Bowl as an excuse to give you free pizza, and Domino’s is doing its best to stop people from calling everything “artisanal,” Pizza Hut will always hold the crown as America’s leaders in cheese stuffed saucy goodness.

Yes, Pizza Hut has been stuffing our gullets since 1958, and ever since has innovated how we look at pizza, from the stuffed crust pizza to the stuffed TOPPING pizza.  As Pizza Hut has become bigger and more international, however, they have expanded their menus to accommodate non-American tastes.  While sometimes this involves pizza products that we wish they sold here in America, more often than not, these new international Pizza Hut dishes involve terrifying reminders of why every other nation except for America (and, we guess, some of those Europe countries) considers food preparation as a challenge to see who can offend God’s culinary sensibilities the most.  Hint, it’s probably going to end up being Japan.

It’s always Japan.

The Strangest Pizza Hut Menu Items In The World

 

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Posted in Pizza Pizza, Strange Foods, The Rest of Them

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England’s Hot Dog Stuff Pizza: Would You Like a Side of Nitrates With That?

Posted on April 12, 2012 | 3 comments

“What…no.  How?”

~AFFotD Food Critic, John Goodman

Every so often our readers will alert us to something that deserves the attention of the average American.  This can be an article, a Wikipedia entry of some sort, or one time it was just a piece of parchment with the words “I love you Jodie” scribbled over and over in blood.  Seriously, John, get over it, she’s not even into dudes.

What we’re trying to say is, sometimes we’re given an article that says, in its headline, everything we would be able to say on the topic.  But does that stop us from going ahead and writing on that topic anyway?  No, of course not, this is America, to us redundancy is just a word that we don’t understand because it has more than three syllables in it (is it, like, a type of cheese?)

The article in question comes from Gizmodo, and states succinctly, “I can’t believe this hot dog stuffed crust pizza isn’t American.”  We can’t either, Gizmodo.  But now we need to know everything that we could possible know about…

England’s Hot Dog Stuff Pizza:  Would You Like a Side of Nitrates With That?

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Posted in England, Pizza Pizza

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Wherein AFFotD Addresses the Concerns of Foreign Nations Regarding American Cuisine, Ultimately Deciding That These Foreigners Are Mistaken in Their Foolish Views

Posted on April 10, 2012 | 2 comments

“That’s not stupid, YOU’RE stupid.”

~AFFotD Food Critic, John Goodman

We are willing to cede that America isn’t responsible for all of the delicious food available to us, but since we’re stubborn (because, you know, America) we will add the caveat that every delicious food made by other countries has invariably been improved by American tinkering.  Yes, Italy gave us pasta, but we gave them fried ravioli.  China gave us Chinese food, but we removed the dog from it.  French food can go to hell.  You hear us, France?  YOUR FOOD CAN GO TO HELL!

Yet, despite the ability of many countries to make food that is deemed acceptable for American consumption (except for England.  Good God, you Limeys, try inventing a food dish not centered around animal intestines) there are foods out there that are thoroughly terrifying and disgusting.  We’re talking food like ant eggs, boiled sheep head, and tofurkey.  Gross.

That’s when we noticed an article by the Houston Press, which tried to posit that since some people don’t run away shrieking when you offer them a plate full of boiled silkworm pupae, then clearly American foods must be strange to other people.  We’ll say that again.  They are saying that American food is weird.

You know what this means, America.  Set your phasers to rage, we’re going through this list one by one.

15 Foods That Are NOT Weird

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Posted in China, England, France

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Goddamn It Japan, You’re Doing it Wrong: The Kit Kat Bar

Posted on April 5, 2012 | 23 comments

“Gimme a break, gimme a break, break me off a piece  of that… OH WHAT THE FUCK, JAPAN!?”

~America

Apart from the Chinese inventing fireworks and Arabs inventing all those boring “math” “innovations” like “the number 0,” America is responsible for inventing everything great that we have in the world.  The light bulb, the internet, the George Foreman Grill, all of these essential and life-changing products were conceived and birthed here in the U S of A.  Unfortunately, as soon as a product has been invented, anyone is free to tinker with it, and often in trying to improve an idea, they poison it.

Yes, we’re talking about Japan.

Specifically, it is Japan’s bastardization of American culinary treats that is both mind boggling, and terrifying.  It must be stopped.  So, we are beginning a new feature, discussing Japan’s terrifying alteration of American products, with…

Goddamn It Japan, You’re Doing it Wrong:  The Kit Kat Bar

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Posted in America's Greatest Fun Facts, Japan

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Best Korea Daily Information For Enjoyment, April 1!

Posted on April 1, 2012 | 1 comment

“The Great Eternal Leader has blessed this day with his many healthy orchards.”

~All who celebrate eternal blessed leader Kim Il-Sung shall sing his praises to the afterlife!

Greetings all who embrace Best Korea and fight to expel the imperialist oppression from nations whose false ideals once did shed sadness into the heart of Great Leader Kim Jong-Il, and continue to sadden Great Successor Kim Jong-un, who just on this day carried ten thousand pounds of strawberries from his personal orchard to ease the suffering of his citizens. As clouds parted and sunshine appeared, great jubilation came forth from these poor peasants, and the Song of remembrance for Great Leader Kim Jong-Il rang into to heavens, causing the sky to smile upon Best Korea and send Earthquakes to our oppressive neighbors to the south. The strawberries, planted by the very hand of the Great Successor himself, made all that consumed it vibrant, and Great Successor gave them all the finest clothing in Best Korea. Look to below and see the happy citizens!

Yes, today is a great day for living in Best Korea, where waters are plentiful and food contains little-to-no worms! As the South Korea imperialist puppet attends economic conferences, sharing hedonistic sex kisses with the Western imperialist dogs, the heavens shine upon Best Korea and all statues of Great Leader, Kim Jong-Il, who never let the Best Korean go hungry with his plentiful wisdom and wide fields of grains, and for whom our tears shed daily out of grief for Great Leader and not for our wretched family members who dared not shed tears in Great Leader’s memory! Our mighty armies will crush all oppressors!

“Tee hee, we laugh at the mighty losses our enemies will face against our invincible armies!”

On this glorious day, we will reward all true citizens of Best Korea with a story on what occurred mere hours ago, by the very ample, informed, and in no way powerless puppet Great Successor. On this day the weather in Best Korea is always sunny and 25 Celsius, while the Southern puppet nation only sees tsunamis and tornadoes for Great Successor, Great Leader and Exalted Eternal Leader do not smile upon its dark imperialistic rat-like ways. Great Successor awoke, and after shedding appropriate number of sincere tears for the memory of Great Leader, played 18 holes of golf, receiving eighteen holes in one for exalted glory! Light shone from his fingers and no child in Best Korea ever suffers from illness!

“Yes, you too have seen the exalted leader’s magnificence! I will now go to Great Korea assistance community of manual employment for possessing contraband, imperialist technologies! Glory to Best Korea and Great Leader!”

Great Successor then went to the shrine of the Eternal Leader, Kim Il-Sung, and from the ground grew bread for every Best Korean, and Great Successor Kim Jung-un did bring forth a shield of protection to repel the lies of the swinedog puppet South Korean lapdogs! All in the land, the Song of Kim Il-Sung resonated in the skies, and the rain that fell, and only the crops were wet, and all the garments of Best Korea stayed dry and in no way spoiled by famine or disease! Glory unto Eternal leader, who smiles at each launched missile that will someday crush the capitalistic oppressors!

“I am only saddened that I cannot die a thousand times over to destroy the Imperialist swine!”

Today the Great Successor will perform a million pushups to maintain his perfectly healthy weight and figure, and in doing so, the ground will receive his blessed weight and reward Best Korea with crops so that they will never suffer or desire to leave to China, and all Imperialist monuments will collapse under the weight of their own hypocrisy!

“Our thunderous applause shall be rewarded a thousand times over by the nurturing care of Great Leader, who shall give each citizen home and oxen!”

Now, as Great Successor has decreed, now we shall sing the song of Best Korea might! For Victory!

All of Best Korea will stand in line

Pleasure is Great Successor’s to give at all times!

Rally for Great Leader, for whom we cry,

Imperialist shall be slaughtered just like swine!

Lasting glory unto Korea Best!

Feasts for all of Great Successor’s people

Omnipotent Great Successor laughs at Southern puppet, feeble

Onwards to continue the Glory of nation’s rest

Lasting glory unto Korea Best!

So we shout, so everyone, can give all our love to Kim Jung-un!

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