Category Archives: The Best of the Rest

You might not fit into any particular niche, but you’re American as hell anyway.

The Six Most Badass Bear Attack Survival Stories

“Fuuuuuuuu….”

~You, meeting a bear

We’re not gonna front, bears are menacing as shit.  They’re giant balls of muscle, teeth, and claws, and while they’re thankfully fairly allergic to bullets and C. Dale Petersens, they’ve been known to wreck American’s shit for as long as there have been people who like to spend time in the woods.  According to the bible, all animals have no souls and therefore cannot go to heaven.  Bears are the only creatures in the animal kingdom that have ever heard and understood this concept, and they view it as a free pass to be as bloodthirstily murderous as possible.  Most bears spent their formative years familiarizing themselves with the concept of negative numbers just so they could properly express how few shits they give when it comes to messing you up.

While many of us will go our whole lives never seeing a bear that hasn’t been stuffed and mounted with the words “fuck you, bear” shaved into its chest, we still know enough to hate, fear, and begrudgingly respect the one animal that can inspire grown men to do this.   That’s why, whenever we hear of ordinary Americans doing the tango de la muerta against these homicidal beasts, we have no choice but to react with a strong sense of admiration (and perspiration).  So, needless to say, these following Americans can safely claim that they are more fearless than anyone reading this.

The Six Most Badass Bear Attack Survival Stories

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The Greatest Hits of Gary Busey’s Twitter Feed

“Gary Busey!”

~Gary Busey

Gary Busey is an American actor who is equal parts teeth and motorcycle accident, an Academy Award nominated thespian who has been working in Hollywood for the last 40 years.  He also looks like he pooped his pants, but is kind of proud about it, in every picture that’s been taken of him in the past 20 years.  The man needs no introduction, as he has been the toothy madman of Hollywood for as long as we can remember, and we’d not have it any other way.

We bring that up because we had an office party here at AFFotD headquarters last night, the theme of which was apparently (we think) “drink so much that you don’t remember what the theme of the party was supposed to be.”  So our staff is pretty out of sorts at the moment, and when we need a hangover pick-me-up, we like to google Gary Busey.  It might seem random and confusing, but when you stumble onto sites like this, you sort of realize the joy of doing this.

Well, today we found something magical.  We found the official twitter feed of Gary Busey.  It’s exactly what you’d expect from a famous crazy person with brain damage, and nothing would make us happier than to pool together our hungover resources to dig through each inane 140-character-or-less ramble and pick out the best for you, the (we’re assuming) hungover American.

You’re welcome.

The Greatest Hits of Gary Busey’s Twitter Feed

“Hi, I’m Gary Busey, I’ll be your caterpillar today.”

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Jay Leone: 90-Year-Old Gunfighter/Badass

“Fuck you, you son of a bitch, now it’s my turn.”

~Jay Leone, 90-year-old American (seriously)

When people ask our staff what we’re going to be when we hit 90,  before we get a chance to say anything they answer for us by saying, “celebrating the 30th anniversary of our fatal liver failure.”  Ha.  Zing.  Our lifestyle is not particularly sustainable.

But even the most genetically superior Americans amongst our staff would have to admit that we’d have nothing on Greenbrae, California resident and former Sheriff’s deputy, Jay Leone.  That’s why we’re here with another AFFotD News Item of the Month, to tell you the story of…

Jay Leone: 90-year-old gunfighter/badass

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Dogs: Man’s Best Friend, Nature’s Best Frisbee Hunter

“Dogs make the most loyal of pets and the most ruthless killers of Nazis.”

~General George S. Patton [citation needed]

Easy question time- what is man’s best friend?  If you answered “The darkness” then get the fuck out of here Rembrant, how the hell did you get out of your restraints?  If you answered “My cat can spell out words using spaghetti-o’s” then we’ve been meaning to tell you, local ordinances says you’re not allowed to have 15 cats in your apartment.  You’re not.  What the hell would you do with 15 cats unless you were forming an army to fight laser beams and pieces of yarn?  Guys, come on, the answer is dog.  That’s rookie.  It’s written on a plaque on the moon and everything [citation needed].

Okay, so we’re going to be honest here.  You’ve probably heard about how Wikipedia has gone dark to protest SOPA/PIPA.  And yes, that’s sort of harshing our buzz a little.  We’re not saying that we get our information almost exclusively from Wikipedia or anything, but…well it’s the best tool available for a drunk crew of writers.  But we do stand opposed to SOPA, so we’re not going to let us down, especially when we have an important topic to talk about.  So we’re going to tell you about the most American pet in existence, and if there’s any information we’d normally rely on Wikipedia to get, we’ll just fill in the gaps with what we assume has to be factual and give you one of those nifty “[citation needed]” doohickeys.

Dogs.  Known in Latin as “Canineus Awesomesauce” [citation needed], dogs are the only animal that legally is allowed to hold public office [citation needed].  So sit back and wait for your specifically trained doggie butler to fetch you a goddamn scotch and soda (on the ROCKS this time, goddamn it) as we wax poetic about…

Dogs:  Man’s Best Friend, Nature’s Best Frisbee Hunter

 

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Anthony Bourdain’s America is Pretty Much AFFotD’s America

“Fuck no, I’m not foreign, I’m American, you assholes.”

~Anthony Bourdain

We at AFfotD know of a few “celebrity chefs” out there.  Guy Fieri likes to put Jack Daniels on everything, so he’s alright by our book.  Wolfgang Puck speaks with a silly accent, so we hate him.  The same should go for Gordon “fucking” Ramsay, except for the fact that Kitchen Nightmares is brilliant and if we ever said otherwise we suspect that the crazy soccer-playing Scottish bastard would hunt us down and harvest our livers for pate.  And we’re conflicted on Rachael Ray but that’s just because our male staffers have spent the last three years trying to figure out if they find her attractive or not.

One person we never really paid much attention to was Anthony Bourdain.  He has a foreign sounding name, and while he has a popular Food Network TV show, we mainly had heard of him through his best-selling books.  And we at AFFotD never read books unless it tells us to kill Europeans, so even if Wikipedia says that your writing is “peppered with F-words,” sorry Tony, we’re still not going to read it.  But we apparently were foolish in leaving this guy out, because even though we’ll never remember how to spell his name, this Bourbon Bourdain guy.

Because we found this.

That link is a SFW summary of a Playboy interview that Bourdain recently did.  For those of you raising your eyebrows saying, “Oh, sure, your staff was totally just reading Playboy for the articles, italicized sarcasm” we just want to say for the record- our staff members that read Playboy do so solely for the pictures of naked women, this was just an instance where we saw the guy talking smack about Vegans and were suddenly enraptured.  Then we did some digging and found that he’s a hard drinking, chain smoking, former heroin user (we’re not endorsing Heroin by any means, and in no way are we implying that doing Heroin makes you more American…but that being said…Lou Reed, you know?).  To make a long story short, he seemed pretty damn American.

While we won’t go as far as to say he’s American enough for a Fun Fact of his entire life (at least not yet) we’ll at least throw him a bone by giving him one for his awesome views.

Anthony Bourdain’s America is Pretty Much AFFotD’s America

Okay, except for the excessively ripped jeans…

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AFFotD Editor-in-Chief Johnny Roosevelt Tries to Buy Domain Names

“Purchasing anythingwashington.com can help you become the market leader”

~Fast Moving Domains

There are occasions where people choose to contact AFFotD with compelling American like offers, as opposed to the typical amounts of hate mail.  We know, we’re surprised by it too, if we want to be perfectly honest.  Normally it’s angry Siberians who are pissed off that we wrote that their currency is worth less than McDonald’s napkins.  Or, just, you know.  Greeks.  Lots of Greeks, doesn’t matter what we say, it makes them mad.

Stop being so fiery, Greeks.  We know that’s sort of your thing, but cool it.

So when we got an email about a potential business opportunity, you know we felt like we had to jump on it.

What follows is the various exchanges between our Editor in Chief, Johnny Roosevelt, and Fast Moving Domains, who were attempting to sell us a domain name.  Enjoy.

“Stockphotosofhotchicksonthephone.com is still available for purchase”

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America’s Competitive Beard Growers

“This is either gonna get me laid so much, or never.”

~Competitive Beard Grower

 

Many of you are staring at that man pictured above, no doubt muttering to yourself, Sweet Pigeon-toed Jesus, AFFotD, is that a fucking moose…made out of beard?”

You’re absolutely fucking right it is.  This was the winner of this year’s “best beard” in the World Beard and Mustache Competition.  Yes, it’s real.  Of course America typically dominate the eventYes, there’s a reality TV show about it now.

America loves their facial hair, ever since the Civil War taught us how to be absurd with it.  To the point that there are no registered (no, seriously, officially registered) beard clubs in this country.  As in, more than one.  It was only a matter of time before we turned this into a competition where we could kick the world’s ass.  It’s a sport that only requires excessive testosterone, the desire to remain idle, and the ability to avoid getting long hair stuck in machinery.  How could America not be incredible at it, especially when there are entire divisions of competition that encourage you to dress up like a fucking James Bond Supervillain?

It’s like a porno version of Lex Luther.  (Uh…Sex…Dos-Her?)

That is why we’re here to go through the rules, regulations, and American ability to kick ass in Competitive Beard and Mustache Growing.  Because if you didn’t know that was totally a thing before today, you totally want to compete in it now.  And that goes double for the ladies.

This is a different guy than Sex Dos-Her up above, but apparently bald white people with ridiculous facial hair all look alike.

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Bill Veeck Loved Midgets

“Midget!  Midget midget midget!”

~Bill Veeck


If there’s one complaint people have about baseball, it would be that it’s too straight laced.  That is, if they have a complaint about baseball.  That’s usually because baseball players only show a lot of effort for short periods of time before resting a while.  It’s the only sport that has a bench that doesn’t require a bench, because honestly, when was the last time you saw a guy walk to the dugout and need to rest his legs?

Photo unrelated

But if there was one man out there that understood how to jazz up Baseball and take an American sport even more American by adding something crazy, it would be the great Bill Veeck, a man who saw a sport that could be stuffy and uninviting and decided to liven the hell out of it, likely saying, “We gotta do something to make this game more exciting.  You know, something like a midget baseball player.  Well, not a midget baseball player, but you get the idea, something like that.”

“Dammit, fine let’s just go with it.”

Yes, Bill Veeck was a unique brand of MLB baseball team owner.  While some owners might have their team involved in messy divorce court proceedings, Veeck (“as in Wreck” as his autobiography so astutely put it) would do absurd promotion stunts (his ugly divorces very rarely involved the teams he owned).  As the last Baseball owner who was not independently wealthy, Bill Veeck had everything a true American could ask for.  A man who built himself from the ground up, lost a limb in the war, and caused a mass riot when he wanted to destroy as many Disco albums as possible.  Veeck was a man too great for embellishment, though we once heard that he could life a car over his head with one hand while juggling midgets with the other.  But only 3 midgets.  Like we said, we’re not going to embellish any of this.

So here’s the tale of the man with one leg and a love of midgets.

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Paul Bergrin Was The Lawyer On The Wire

“I’m so glad I mandated that the whole staff had to watch the complete series of The Wire.”

~Tom Selleck, AFFotD TV Critic


Illustrations by Jesse Lenz because dayumnnnn

Lawyers, especially defense attorneys, tend to get a bad rap.  In a scientific study of five random people outside our offices, 60% of America’s population believe that there are more lawyer jokes than Hellen Keller, dead baby, and Polish jokes combined.  The rest of America is evenly split between “Can I get some money for some booze” and “Aren’t you those assholes that keep making ungodly noises from the building all night long?”

What’s wrong with that?  This is the way we unwind a the end of a long day.

But really, is that fair?  It’s not like we have defense attorneys in, say, Jersey just running around, supervising prostitution rings and arranging for witness’s murders or anything…ohhhhhh.

Yeah Paul Bergrin was basically the lawyer in the wire.

…Huh

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Blago Is Golden

“Something something FUCKING GOLDEN amiright?”

~60% of Late Night jokes in December 2008


If a self-important politician with a Napoleon complex, incredibly inflated self-esteem, and the propensity to swear like a motherfucking sailor becomes a public figure, the only reason we wouldn’t write about him is if we couldn’t find any stories about him drinking excessively.  But hey, if the sucker is going to jail we should probably talk about him.

That’s right, the man who we’d call “Fucking golden,” if it weren’t such an overused joke that it makes Charlie Sheen seem timely, Rob Blagojevich.

“Liiick”

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