Category Archives: America Fun Fact of the Day

The Informative American’s Guide For Women in the Workplace (Originally Published February, 1952)

“Misogyny?  I told you, I’m not gonna eat any Jap food.”

~1950’s Boss

Being a woman working in an office in the 1950’s was like being a man working in an office in the bizarro-world 1950’s.  That is to say, if you were a woman under the age of 30 working in an office setting in the 1950’s, you’d have to deal with more creepy old men licking your face than a bowl of hard candies in a nursing home.  Times change for a reason, and one of the benefits of current America is that there’s a general sense of equality when you work here, unless you have a silly accent.

That’s why, as we were looking through our backlog of 1950s issues of The Informative American, we were shocked to see how far we’ve come in regards to women’s rights in the workplace.  Our female staff members get to take advantage of all the debauchery that their male counterparts do, plus we’re LGBT friendly.  But that’s because it’s 2011, if you’re not supporting equality in the workplace by now, West Virginia called and they want their massive debt back.

But things weren’t always that way, and to bring the point home of how much things have changed over the past 60 years, we’re going to post an Informative American article from the year 1952.  The whiskey was just as strong, but the pomade was stronger, and people were still scared of music made by black people.  So without further ado, it’s time to unleash the time capsule that is…

The Informative American’s Guide For Women in the Workplace (Originally Published February, 1952).

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Timmy Roosevelt, Eight-Year Old American

“I like Fire trucks.”

~Timmy Roosevelt

We’re sort of out of it today.  Weekends blur together in the American tradition, because America knows how to come up with reasons to get wasted most every night, and eventually you let weekdays blur together to in the quest to reach the weekend.  It’s America who came up with the notion of Thursdays “being the new Friday.”  And it’s a truly great American notion- you don’t expect to do much work on Friday, so why not go out on Thursday to get plastered as well?  Get more bang for your weekend buck?  And then, Wednesday becomes the new Thursday which is the new Friday, and so on and so on.

So we…we treated Monday like the Friday it is.  And if we had to rate days by how bad their hangovers are, Tuesday would be very high up on the list.  We don’t often have guest columnists, and normally they’re not eight-year old boys.

Anyway, the guy who writes our intros just puked into his garbage can, so here’s Timmy Roosevelt, the eight-year old nephew of our editor-in-chief, Johnny Roosevelt.

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The 10th Anniversary of 9/11, and AFFotD rests for the day

“No quote today.”

No doubt you know what today is if you’ve turned on a TV, looked at a newspaper, or ever had human interaction with anyone in the history of ever.  If you expected America Fun Fact of the Day to write a “fun fact” about the events of September 11th, you clearly have a fairly low opinion of our staff.  It’s a somber day for reflection on a national tragedy, and we intend to treat it with the dignity that it deserves.

We’re not here to tell us where we were the day the towers fell.  That is a personal moment for everyone, and everyone can choose with whom you wish, but we’re not here to force our own memories down your throat.

Instead, we just urge you to spend time with a loved one.  Or spend time with yourself.  You could contemplate the events and what they mean to you, or you can just treat the day like any other day.  No one has the right to determine how you treat this day except for yourself.  That’s the freedom this nation affords you, and we’ve learned that nothing can take that freedom away.

So we only ask that you appreciate this day for whatever you choose to make of it.  We’ll be back tomorrow to make inappropriate jokes, but for now we’re going to take our own advice and just live the day.

(If you run into a “truther” going on about how it was an inside job, though?  You totally should kick them in the groin.  We’re just saying.)

America Fun Fact of the Day 9/10- September 10th in American History

“You’re dead if you run this image, you hear me?  Fucking DEAD.”

~Wendy’s Executive

As many of you no doubt are aware, we have a bit of a Faustian contract with Wendy’s.  And they really don’t like it when we talk about the competition.  Like, really don’t like it.

But fuck them.  This is our image of the week, and we don’t care what happens to us if we make it about KFC.  Because KFC made a logo so fucking big you can see it in space.

We literally stuck up our middle finger at nature and said, “Fuck you, Earth, you’re hawking fried chicken now.”

Delicious, delicious fried chicken.

Have a good weekend, everybody.

Wherein AFFotD is all “Bitch, Please” to an Indiana Establishment of Education Which Dares Hoist Itself Above the Very National Anthem of America

“And their ass we did kick/ what kind of bullshit is this?”

~Deleted verse from The Star-Spangled Banner


America Fun Fact of the Day has a couple of Newsies in our employ.  We’re talking old school, technically-breaking-child-labor-laws Newsies.  We force them to read the paper out loud to us because we like to know what’s going on in this fair country but we hate the strained eyeball feeling and stress headaches that we get every time we try to feign literacy.

We don’t make them smoke, but we do pay them extra if they do.

Anyway, today one of our Newsies comes up to us and says, “What would your first reaction be if I told you there was a called in Indiana called (Gee) Goshen College?”

“I’d punch you right in the face for making a cheap Newsie sounding pun,” said Johnny Roosevelt, our editor-in-chief.

That’s when the Newsie read us a little article about the actual (tiny) college, located in Goshen, Indiana, which in its own right isn’t enough to get us riled up.  Small college?  That’s acceptably American, sure.  It’s not like they won’t play the National Anthem because they think it’s too violent or…

Wait, are you fucking serious?

Oh hell no!  Let’s rip these fuckers to threads.

Oh, uh, we meant figuratively…

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The Informative American’s Guide to the Ills of the Beatnik Menace (originally published October, 1959)

“Hey, smoking tea, hitting bongo drums, berets eh?”

~Beatniks, probably


Pictured bottom, left

We’ve mentioned the roots of America Fun Fact of the Day previously, we at AFFotD fear the future, and long for the warm, comforting, alcohol-hazed memories of the past.  Beer’s been around for 11,500 years, really good beer’s been around two hundred years, and moonshining has been around just about as long.  What else do we have to look forward to?  Science has already made it abundantly clear they don’t care about our Back to the Future 2 desires for a hovering skateboard, so why should we give a crap about the future?

The “future” means “this terrifying soulless object is going to kill us all.”

So, like most Americans with an archive of company material and a kegerator full of Everclear at their disposal, we’ve decided to go back into our 1950’s archives, when life was simpler and alcohol came without surgeon general’s warnings.  We’ve already given you an inside look into 1950’s parenting styles, as well as a helpful guide how to spot communists.

As it turns out, in the 1950’s AFFotD, previously known as “The Informative American” had a lot of helpful guides about the menaces of society.  Which makes it remarkably comprehensive, because apparently in the 1950’s everything was a menace.  Communists were a menace, cars from Japan were a menace, stores that chose to stay open during Sundays were a menace.  And in this instance, the menace we were reading up on came from a 1959 article decrying the latest “menace” to hit American popular culture.

Today, we have hipsters.  In the 70s, we had hippies.  But back in the Leave it to Beaver age, the most terrifying thing imaginable was…running into a Beatnik, the stereotypical archetype that exhibited the more superficial tendencies of the Beat Generation.  Berets, coffee, bongo drums, bad poetry, basically we’re dealing with Ned Flanders’ father here.

Well, we thought it was interesting to hear why they were everything wrong with America, so that’s why we present to you, straight from our archives…

The Informative American’s Guide to the Ills of the Beatnik Menace (originally published October, 1959)

 

“What are you doing to Kermit, you damned beatnik!?”

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America Fun Fact of the Day 9/4- september 4th in American history

“Goddamn it, it’s labor day.  Why are you in the office?”

~Johnny Roosevelt

As you may be aware, tomorrow is Labor Day.  So not only is no one working today, but no one is even thinking of working tomorrow either.  We’re pretty much the same way.  So we’re going to do our standard...

Today’s Date in American History

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America Fun Fact of the Day 9/3- Saturday’s Image of the Week

“In these parts, there be monsters.”

~Very possibly a Johnny Depp movie

As you’re aware, it’s Saturday, which means AFFotd is going to sexually assault your viewholes with some intensely American picture.  It could be a car sideways inside a van.  Could be Teddy Roosevelt killing Bigfoot.  Could be, uh, this?

A question asked by many a heartbroken prison inmate.  Have a good weekend, everyone.

America Fun Fact of the Day’s Back-to-School Special

“I have to go to school?  That’s bullshit.”

~You watch your fucking mouth, young man


Holy shit, America, it’s already September.  And you know what that means.  As we get to the time of the year that you’re either not supposed to wear white or you’re allowed to wear white again (we really can’t keep Labor Day and Memorial Day straight), the younger Americans, or younglings if you will, are forced to undergo an arduous nine month torture known as “Education.”  That’s right, schools are oppressively well lit buildings where kids have to sneak to the bathroom to smoke and drink, and in the meantime they are forced to read books.

We even once heard that they teach Math there.

School is bullshit.  Abraham Lincoln didn’t go to school, and he did just fine for himself.  The only reason we go to school is so we can go to college, which National Lampoon films have informed us are only inhabited by cranky deans and attractive young people who are eager to get naked.

Anyway, it’s time for youngsters to get back to school, that’s why AFFotD is here to provide you kiddos with…

AFFotD’s Back-to-School Special!

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AFFotD’s Guide to Procrastination

“I’ll do it later.”

~America


America used to be a land of hard work and enterprise.  In the matter of a generation we went from dirt roads to bustling highways.  The Empire States Building was built in only 410 days for less money (adjusted for inflation) than the projected costs for a renovation project it is currently undergoing (sure, 5 people died during the construction, but they were probably immigrants).  The point being, back in the day, America was all about working their asses off to earn a living.

In actuality, America is a lot like two of our favorite actors- Marlon Brando and Orson Wells.  What do they have in common?  Well, they started off as bright, hard working thespians…before deciding, “eh fuck it” and shoveling everything they could into their face.  America is exactly like that.  We as a nation worked our ass off so that we could waste as much time as possible on our employer’s dime.  If you had someone working 80 hour weeks for minimum wage, we’d just chalk that up to their illegal immigrant status and try to find a job that lets you get drunk on your lunch hour.  Which is why we’re here to present a guide to a truly American art form, one that we refine and improve upon each internet-aided year.  We humbly present you with…

AFFotD’s Guide to Procrastination (if we feel like finishing it)

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