America’s Goofiest Pictures of American Presidents (Part Two: 1861-1933)

Posted on September 1, 2011 | 1 comment

“No, but seriously, you’re not gonna put any goofy pictures of me, right?”

~George W. Bush


As we discussed in yesterday’s fun fact, anyone can have a bad picture taken of them.  And the more pictures taken of you, the better the chance that you’ll come off looking less than flattering.  And who gets more pictures taken of them than anyone?  Actors and models.  Oh right, well yeah, but apart from that?  POTUS, motherfuckers.  Here’s our continuing list of goofy Presidential photos, from Herbert Hoover to Abe Lincoln.

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America’s Goofiest Pictures of American Presidents (Part One: 1933-Present)

Posted on August 31, 2011 | 3 comments

Heh, you ain’t gonna find any of me, right?”

~George W. Bush


America is great at whatever they put their mind to, ranging from Lady’s Soccer to anything that isn’t Men’s Soccer.  But even we can’t keep an appearance of perfection at all times.  If there were Americans who, say, looked great every moment of every day, there’d be no reason to Photoshop away the Bulimia-related liver splotches on our most attractive models.  No matter who you’re choosing to idealize, you’re going to be able to find photographic evidence of some imperfection (cough Megan Fox has toe thumbs cough).

Nowhere is that more evident than with our nation’s leaders.  For as long as President’s have been being photographed, presidents have been photographed looking downright goofy or ridiculous at times.  Here is a rundown of the goofy photos of each American President.

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Big Face Animal- The Future of Howling Wolf Shirts

Posted on August 30, 2011 | 8 comments

“Whatever, I’m so over the three wolves shirt.  I need something else to ironically show my derision of the trailer park culture.”

~Some fucking hipster


We’ve previously informed you of the powers that Americans receive while wearing a shirt that has wolves on it.  The math equation that determines the abilities you receive in relation to the amount of teeth you have missing and the number of wolves on your shirt is impossible to figure out, because if you’re wearing a wolf shirt you have no business trying to learn what the word “math” means anyway.  If you’re wearing any shirt with wolves on it, every moment you waste saying words that are longer than two syllables is a moment you should be using to discover new types of saturated fats.

Yes, the three wolves howling at the moon shirt is the American equivalent of a Superman costume, or a undershirt soaked through with chicken grease.  It’s a uniform you can use to declare who you are (American) and what you stand for (America) and what your favorite big word is (xenophobia).  But we live in a time where ideals and fashions change at breakneck speed, so it shouldn’t come as a surprise that America has outpaced itself in the “ridiculous animals on shirt” department.

We at AFFotD are here to introduce you to the newest way to rebound from your ex-wife getting the double-wide in the divorce settlement…

That’s right.  It’s the Big Face Animals shirt collection by The Mountain.  We know, you’re so happy right now.  Time to dive in and pick out the best, most gloriously American shirts that you know you’re going to spend twenty dollars that smells suspiciously like possum on.

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AFFotD’s Guide to Procrastination

Posted on August 29, 2011 | Leave a comment

“I’ll do it later.”

~America


America used to be a land of hard work and enterprise.  In the matter of a generation we went from dirt roads to bustling highways.  The Empire States Building was built in only 410 days for less money (adjusted for inflation) than the projected costs for a renovation project it is currently undergoing (sure, 5 people died during the construction, but they were probably immigrants).  The point being, back in the day, America was all about working their asses off to earn a living.

In actuality, America is a lot like two of our favorite actors- Marlon Brando and Orson Wells.  What do they have in common?  Well, they started off as bright, hard working thespians…before deciding, “eh fuck it” and shoveling everything they could into their face.  America is exactly like that.  We as a nation worked our ass off so that we could waste as much time as possible on our employer’s dime.  If you had someone working 80 hour weeks for minimum wage, we’d just chalk that up to their illegal immigrant status and try to find a job that lets you get drunk on your lunch hour.  Which is why we’re here to present a guide to a truly American art form, one that we refine and improve upon each internet-aided year.  We humbly present you with…

AFFotD’s Guide to Procrastination (if we feel like finishing it)

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America Fun Fact of the Day 8/28- August 28th in American History

Posted on August 28, 2011 | 1 comment

“Last Sunday in August…no need to change things now…”

~Johnny Roosevelt

Look at that map up there.  This is the last Sunday in the month of August 2011.  This will be the last Sunday ever in an August in the year 2011.  Let that sink in.

Sunk in?  Good.  Now it’s time for the normal.

Today’s Date in American history (America Edition)

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America Fun Fact of the day 8/27- Saturday Image of the Week

Posted on August 27, 2011 | Leave a comment

“HOLY HELL GREAT-GRANDPAP!”

~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief Johnny Roosevelt

You’re no doubt all aware of our massive man-crush on Teddy Roosevelt.  And by “man crush” we mean “if we think a negative thought about him his ghost will find us and hunt us down.”

Hunt us down something like this.

Holy hell look at that.  That is Teddy Roosevelt standing over the corpse of the giant elephant that he killed.  We can only presume it was with his bare hands.  Thank god photography was invented in time to catch Teddy Roosevelt.

Just look at it.  Look at it.

Have a great week, everyone.

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America Fun Fact of the Day’s Earthquake Shelter

Posted on August 26, 2011 | 1 comment

“AGHHHH!  Oh wait that wasn’t too bad.”

~The East Coast during an Earthquake

This Wednesday, the East Coast was rattled by a 5.8 magnitude Earthquake, leading to hilariously glib twitter responses and a series of smug “you call that an Earthquake?” responses from West Coasters who would begin screaming in terror if they ever saw more than a half an inch of snow.  It caught everyone by surprise, and New York flocked at the chance to shout, “ME!  ME!!  MEEEEE!” and bask in the media attention.

Of course the offices of AFFotD were hit by the Earthquake, but you didn’t hear us bitching about it.  That’s because we knew that fucker was coming.  “Oh, but AFFotD, how is that even possible and” yeah yeah, shut it.  We know things.  We’re like the goddamn animals in the Washington D.C. zoo.  So we know this shit.

Anyway, long story short, we have an Earthquake shelter.  Yes, it’s awesome.  Yes, we will show it to you.

A Guided Tour of AFFotD’s Revolutionary Earthquake Shelter


Artist’s rendering (artist had recently consumed hallucinogenic mushrooms)

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The Informative American’s Guide to Spotting Dirty Communists (originally published November, 1957)

Posted on August 25, 2011 | 5 comments

“The only thing more terrifying than the Russian menace is the outward displays of homosexual behavior exhibited by my son.”

~The average American in 1957


America loves nostalgia, just so long as it only gets in the way of us making changes that cost a lot of money.  The power grid is horribly inefficient?  No need to spend hard earned booze-tax money to fix it, it reminds us of simpler times!  We can make air bags that make cars much saver?  Why do that, it’s needlessly costly and besides, we all love classic cars!  Baseball tickets used to be a dollar?  Fuck you, let’s gouge the shit out of everyone!

The point is, alcohol consumption is the leading cause of moments of nostalgia (as well as incorrectly informing people that you love them).  And this is America, so we’re drunk always (always).  And as we polished off our third keg of 20 year Pappy Van Winkle (special made just for our staff) we started to get bourbon nostalgic, which as you all know ages incredibly.  So we began looking through our stack of 1950’s articles from back when we were known as “The Informative American.”  We’ve previously shown you an example of our bi-weekly 1950’s publication, which pertained to parenting, but we were drawn specifically to a 1957 article we published regarding Communism.  More astutely, it was an informative guide for spotting out Communists in your local community.  Maybe it was the high priced liquor, but we felt like we needed to share with you this unique blend of paranoia, McCarthyism, and surprisingly blunt misogyny with you, the educated, inebriated 2011 reader.  So, without further ado, we present …

The Informative American’s Guide to Spotting Dirty Communists (originally published November, 1957)

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Aloysius Stanislaus Travers- America’s Worst Professional Player Of All Time

Posted on August 24, 2011 | 2 comments

“No, guys, I’m trying to tell ya, I’m not very good at baseball.  No, stop laughing, that wasn’t a joke!”

~Reverand Aloysius Stanislaus Travers, 1912


Baseball is a paradoxical sport.  It has the fewest physical demands, the least physical risk, yet the most high-profile injuries and steroid abusers.  It’s suffered strike-shortened seasons, rampant cocaine use, and even Jose Conseco and lived to tell the tale.  But, much like medicine, most things in America during the early 20th century were ridiculous.  Baseball was no different.  1912 in baseball was full of only-decent-athletes, strange rules, and blatant bigotry.

Mainly the bigotry thing though.

That is how one of the biggest racist best baseball player of All-Time helped a future Reverend who couldn’t make it on an amateur baseball team start, and complete, a professional league game.  Oh, he got absolutely rocked, absolutely rocked, but it’s still a nice story in America being crazy enough you know better than to fuck with us.

The Forest Whitaker Eyes.

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The Guide to Bachelor and Bachelorette Parties

Posted on August 23, 2011 | 1 comment

“Layyyyyy-deeeees?”

~Bachlor/Bachlorette Parties

 

Sometimes, people in America get married, which often makes taxes easier to deal with.  As a general rule, when Americans are about to make a large investment in changing their stationary, they go through various ways to celebrate this union.  Many throw lavish weddings, some people elope in secret because the husband was very good at making “too cheap to pay for a wedding” sound like “romantically whisking his bride into matrimony.”  But no matter the wedding type (shotgun) or the reason behind the nuptials (mail-order bride) one part of wedding celebrations is celebrated by every American.

That of course would be the bachelor and bachelorette party.

There is a science behind these parties, and a lot of it has to do with the magic that makes alcohol turn into happiness once it passes through your liver.  And despite specific differences between each event, bachelor parties and bachelorette parties adhere to the same American tenants.  That’s why we’re here to present…

AFFotD’s Official American Guide For Bachelor and Bachelorette Parties (for America Continue reading →

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