“Last Sunday in August…no need to change things now…”
~Johnny Roosevelt
Look at that map up there. This is the last Sunday in the month of August 2011. This will be the last Sunday ever in an August in the year 2011. Let that sink in.
Sunk in? Good. Now it’s time for the normal.
Today’s Date in American history (America Edition)
“HOLY HELL GREAT-GRANDPAP!”
~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief Johnny Roosevelt
You’re no doubt all aware of our massive man-crush on Teddy Roosevelt. And by “man crush” we mean “if we think a negative thought about him his ghost will find us and hunt us down.”
Hunt us down something like this.
Holy hell look at that. That is Teddy Roosevelt standing over the corpse of the giant elephant that he killed. We can only presume it was with his bare hands. Thank god photography was invented in time to catch Teddy Roosevelt.
Just look at it. Look at it.
Have a great week, everyone.
“AGHHHH! Oh wait that wasn’t too bad.”
~The East Coast during an Earthquake
This Wednesday, the East Coast was rattled by a 5.8 magnitude Earthquake, leading to hilariously glib twitter responses and a series of smug “you call that an Earthquake?” responses from West Coasters who would begin screaming in terror if they ever saw more than a half an inch of snow. It caught everyone by surprise, and New York flocked at the chance to shout, “ME! ME!! MEEEEE!” and bask in the media attention.
Of course the offices of AFFotD were hit by the Earthquake, but you didn’t hear us bitching about it. That’s because we knew that fucker was coming. “Oh, but AFFotD, how is that even possible and” yeah yeah, shut it. We know things. We’re like the goddamn animals in the Washington D.C. zoo. So we know this shit.
Anyway, long story short, we have an Earthquake shelter. Yes, it’s awesome. Yes, we will show it to you.
A Guided Tour of AFFotD’s Revolutionary Earthquake Shelter
Artist’s rendering (artist had recently consumed hallucinogenic mushrooms)
“The only thing more terrifying than the Russian menace is the outward displays of homosexual behavior exhibited by my son.”
~The average American in 1957
America loves nostalgia, just so long as it only gets in the way of us making changes that cost a lot of money. The power grid is horribly inefficient? No need to spend hard earned booze-tax money to fix it, it reminds us of simpler times! We can make air bags that make cars much saver? Why do that, it’s needlessly costly and besides, we all love classic cars! Baseball tickets used to be a dollar? Fuck you, let’s gouge the shit out of everyone!
The point is, alcohol consumption is the leading cause of moments of nostalgia (as well as incorrectly informing people that you love them). And this is America, so we’re drunk always (always). And as we polished off our third keg of 20 year Pappy Van Winkle (special made just for our staff) we started to get bourbon nostalgic, which as you all know ages incredibly. So we began looking through our stack of 1950’s articles from back when we were known as “The Informative American.” We’ve previously shown you an example of our bi-weekly 1950’s publication, which pertained to parenting, but we were drawn specifically to a 1957 article we published regarding Communism. More astutely, it was an informative guide for spotting out Communists in your local community. Maybe it was the high priced liquor, but we felt like we needed to share with you this unique blend of paranoia, McCarthyism, and surprisingly blunt misogyny with you, the educated, inebriated 2011 reader. So, without further ado, we present …
The Informative American’s Guide to Spotting Dirty Communists (originally published November, 1957)
Posted in The Informative American
Tagged America, Communist, Nostalgia, Pappy Van Winkle, Russia, The Informative American
“No, guys, I’m trying to tell ya, I’m not very good at baseball. No, stop laughing, that wasn’t a joke!”
~Reverand Aloysius Stanislaus Travers, 1912
Baseball is a paradoxical sport. It has the fewest physical demands, the least physical risk, yet the most high-profile injuries and steroid abusers. It’s suffered strike-shortened seasons, rampant cocaine use, and even Jose Conseco and lived to tell the tale. But, much like medicine, most things in America during the early 20th century were ridiculous. Baseball was no different. 1912 in baseball was full of only-decent-athletes, strange rules, and blatant bigotry.
Mainly the bigotry thing though.
That is how one of the biggest racist best baseball player of All-Time helped a future Reverend who couldn’t make it on an amateur baseball team start, and complete, a professional league game. Oh, he got absolutely rocked, absolutely rocked, but it’s still a nice story in America being crazy enough you know better than to fuck with us.
The Forest Whitaker Eyes.
Posted in Athletes
Tagged Aloysius Stanislaus Travers, America, Baseball, Detroit Tigers, Ty Cobb
“Layyyyyy-deeeees?”
~Bachlor/Bachlorette Parties
Sometimes, people in America get married, which often makes taxes easier to deal with. As a general rule, when Americans are about to make a large investment in changing their stationary, they go through various ways to celebrate this union. Many throw lavish weddings, some people elope in secret because the husband was very good at making “too cheap to pay for a wedding” sound like “romantically whisking his bride into matrimony.” But no matter the wedding type (shotgun) or the reason behind the nuptials (mail-order bride) one part of wedding celebrations is celebrated by every American.
That of course would be the bachelor and bachelorette party.
There is a science behind these parties, and a lot of it has to do with the magic that makes alcohol turn into happiness once it passes through your liver. And despite specific differences between each event, bachelor parties and bachelorette parties adhere to the same American tenants. That’s why we’re here to present…
AFFotD’s Official American Guide For Bachelor and Bachelorette Parties (for America Continue reading
Posted in America Fun Fact of the Day
Tagged Alcohol, America, Bachelor Party, Bachlorette Party, Celebrations, Superbad, Weddings
“Oh, someone wants to have TOP Ramen? Well Lah Dee Dah, would you like me to park your limousine for you MR. ROCKEFELLER?”
~ALDI Customer
One of America’s chief exports is sustainable poverty, and we’re strictly responsible for coming up with numerous ways for people to go about “eating in an American fashion” without having to “pay money for ‘healthy’ food.” Our fast food restaurants have dollar menus that ensure you can hit your daily calorie intake without spending more than two dollars. We make individual donuts that have more fat than a twelve ounce steak. So while we might have to get inventive, and look to import in cheap ass food sources, make no mistake that the lower eight rungs of our society will flock to embrace them.
We’re talking, of course, about the discount supermarket chain, ALDI. A company with enough laughable generic food imitations that it’s remarkable to consider that it was founded and is headquartered in Germany.
But we’ll forgive them that one small fact for a delicious box of “Fruity Rice” cereal.
Haa, yes.
Posted in America Fun Fact of the Day
Tagged ALDI, America, Germany, Millville, Trader Joe's
“Hungover. Today in history. We’ve done this before.”
~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief, Johnny Roosevelt
One of our writers today was driving on the highway. He was going about 80 in a 55, because, you know, America. The next thing he knows, there’s this BMW that starts speeding up on his ass. It practically drove him off the rode. As the car sped off in the distance, he saw the asshole’s license plate- it was a vanity plate (of course) that simply said… “MANLY.”
That makes us all so very happy. Anyway, here’s…
Today’s Date in American History (American Edition)
“Hey, that reporter looks like….ohhhhhh.”
~You
Americans have a broad sense of humor. We can appreciate
a fart joke just as much as a Woody Allen movie.
What we’re trying to say is that we find this screen shot to be absolutely hilarious.
Have a great weekend everybody.
“How do you know what that is? Do you have a drinking problem?”
~Don’t judge me, OKAY!?
As Americans, it’s of utmost importance to know thine enemy. It’s why vegetarian groups have government lobbyists, why sports coaches watch game tape, and why we have soldiers who speak Arabic. If something is going to take you down, you want to stare it straight in the eyes and say, “I know what you’re doing, motherfucker.”
If Amy Winehouse’s death taught us anything, it’s that alcohol is the only thing standing between you and the spindly grasp of the grim reaper. It also helped show us what the most dangerous menace to American life is. That’s right, we’re talking about Delirium Tremens, which is the result of severe alcohol withdrawal that is 35% fatal if untreated. It also has caused many uncomfortable family dinners for AFFotD staff members who like to make snide remarks while cracking open the first beer of the night, and who subsequently have to explain what they mean when they say they’re “warding off the DTs.”
It also happens to be the name of a beer that is 9% alcohol per volume. Which uses a pink elephant as a mascot, which in no way is a reference to the fact that a symptom of DTing is hallucinations.
Posted in Booze Facts
America Fun Fact of the Day 