“Hungover. Today in history. We’ve done this before.”
~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief, Johnny Roosevelt
One of our writers today was driving on the highway. He was going about 80 in a 55, because, you know, America. The next thing he knows, there’s this BMW that starts speeding up on his ass. It practically drove him off the rode. As the car sped off in the distance, he saw the asshole’s license plate- it was a vanity plate (of course) that simply said… “MANLY.”
That makes us all so very happy. Anyway, here’s…
Today’s Date in American History (American Edition)
1831- Nat Turner leads the bloodiest slave uprising in American History. America’s past is a lot like that failed actor who had to dabble in gay porn in the 1980’s. There’s…there’s a lot of shit that went down that no one really wants to talk about.
1863- Lawrence, Kansas is destroyed by Confederate guerrillas. Which was a real dick move, you guys. Real dick move.
1878- The American Bar Association formed. For everyone who knows what “BarBri” means, you may now put down your middle fingers.
1888- The first successful adding machine is patented by William Seward Burroughs. We were considering making an Arrested Development joke about the name “Seaward” but instead we will just say that 1+8+8+8=25. Math is so stupid, you guys.
1959- Hawaii is made the 50th state of America by executive order. Thus, we were able to both get a nice, round number of states while also adding our most racist state by far.
1993- NASA loses contact with the Mars Rover because space is stupid.
2011- AFFotD really outdoes themselves in the “phoning it in” department in today’s fun fact.