“Sunday- it’s the Lord’s day…to have us tell you what happened on this day in history.”
~Editor-in-Chief Johnny Roosevelt
In the words of Outkast- Hey, Ya. You know the general deal. It’s Sunday. So we’re here to tell you what’s happened on this day in history.
So let’s just cut right to it.
“That’s no cat…that’s a space station.”
~Someone just wrote that line for a Fan Fic
Americans love their pets. It’s not an unusual thing for them to worry about, but it’s something that most American do indeed worry about.
But every once in a while, you don’t worry about your own pet. You worry, and hope, that everyone else’s pet is awesome. Like…well, this.
Yes. This.
Have a great weekend, everyone.
Posted in Saturday Image of the Week
Tagged America, Awesome Cat, Saturday Image of the Week
“Wait, you stab it, gut it, and put fire inside it? Is this something kids do, or serial killers?”
~That’s a good point, actually
Halloween is just around the corner. Sure it’s still a few weeks away, but it’s gonna be here soon enough that many of you have already planned your costumes, and have a rough idea of where you will go to celebrate it. And a handful of you have stopped shaving so your facial hair can be used for your eventual costume. Two weeks of being unable to hit on people will be worth it when they see that pirate beard you’re rocking at the end of October. Well, it probably won’t, but this is a season where we aide delusions.
Needless to say, the Godless aspects of AFFotD loves the pagan-try of Halloween, so here is yet another AFFotD trying to make Halloween all about us.
With Jack-O’-Lanterns, motherfuckers!
“Oh God, it’s a man with an unkept beard! Kill it!”
~Average 1950’s professional
America puts on a pretty brave face, but if you think about it there are a lot of things that scare us. China, the national debt, the fact that China has us on the hook for a terrifying amount of the aforementioned national debt, all of these things keep the President awake at night (but not for long, because the presidential silk pajamas are so comfortable).
But that’s just what 2011 America worries about. Sometimes we like to sit back and wonder, how would America in 1950 react to the terrifying truths of the world changing around it? Well, that seems as good of a time as any to dig into our stacks of The Informative American and see what our AFFotD predecessor was terrified of back in the 1950’s, and sure enough, it was a tried and true mix of understandable and terrible. So without further ado.
The Informative American Presents: What Scares Us? A Terrifying Look at America’s Fears (Originally Published April, 1950)
Posted in The Informative American
Tagged America, Communists, Fears, Spiders, The Dark, The Informative American
“ROAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!”
~The Ghost of General George Patton
The staff of the America Fun Fact of the Day is sort of like a cross between Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction and an overzealous stage mom. On one hand, if you cast our kid in your commercial (or, say America is appropriately awesome), we’ll totally sleep with you. On the other hand, if you spurn our advances, we’re going to kill your pet rabbit. What we’re trying to say is, if there’s one thing we hate more than Nature, it’s people who write articles besmirching our fine nation.
Especially when it’s…the enemy!
It’s the face that killed millions, yet would not be out of place behind the counter of a gas station.
While doing our weekly google searches (affotd, America fuck yes, America is awesome, why is America so damn awesome you guys, etc) we stumbled across an article on “Asian Times” called, “What is American Culture?” We’ve been spurned by the Chinese before, so we weren’t necessarily expecting any celebrations about our inventive uses of gravy, but we were not expecting an article flinging more shit at American Culture than the cast and crew of Two Girls One Cup.
In order to do it justice, we brought in an American academic on our staff, who also teaches our “America, fuck yes, an examination of everything great about America” classes. He is a bit more “straight laced” than we like, but if we were in charge of writing up about this article, we’d probably say some pretty hateful shit. Professor Washington will likely say some pretty hateful shit too, but at least he uses bigger words and reads shit like “books.”
America Fun Fact of the Day Responds to Critiques of American Culture While Suppressing the Urge to Vomit or Declare War on China (because, let’s face it, they’d probably win…shit)- a lecture by Professor Washington
“Goddamn it, you’re right. I AM delicious.”
~A pig
When someone goes up to you and asks, “What is the most American breakfast food imaginable” you’re never able to respond because your mouth is jammed full of delicious bacon. To say that America is obsessed with bacon is like saying that John Hinckley, Jr. only had a “small crush” on Jodie Foster. Whenever there’s a heart attack in America, the Bacon Council smiles wryly and adds a tally to a list somewhere. Hell, there’s a group about bacon as a religion on facebook. We love bacon because, unsurprisingly, America does bacon different and better than every other nation.
While bacon in itself is simply a cut of pork that’s been cured (usually in brine), many nations use “leaner” cuts of meat for their bacon, where America says “fuck it, what’s the fattiest part of a pig? The pig belly? Makes sense, let’s use that shit then.” This is why English or Canadian bacon is nothing more than a salty pork chop, while American bacon is a glorious piece of art streaked with more fat than a bar of soap made in Fight Club.
“I don’t know, I’m partial to crispy myself.”
And while bacon deserves its own Fun Fact, we here at AFFotD feel impelled to talk about a phenomenon more specifically American than bacon itself. We of course are referring to the American habit to make everything taste like bacon. It’s the greatest thing to happen to capitalism since factories. Every day, an executive says, “Let’s flavor this like bacon,” and when a subordinate asks, “why bacon?” he responds, “Because fuck you, you’re fired, bacon is delicious.”
It most certainly is. With that in mind, we’re here to present you with…
America’s Strangest (And Greatest) Bacon Flavored Products
Posted in America's Greatest Fun Facts, Strange Foods
Tagged America, Bacon, Bacon beer, Bacon Hot Sauce, Bacon Mint, Bacon Toothpaste, Bacon Vodka
“AGHHHHH! OH MY GOD WHY!? IT’S EATING ME!!!!! AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!”
~Gandhi
While Paganism is responsible for most ills in America (Hippies, The popularity of the Twilight films), it did bring us one great thing. Halloween. All’s Hallowed Eve. For 20-somethings, it’s the closest we can get to Caligula levels of debauchery without having to get a lethal weapons permit. As this glorious day filled with alcohol and costumes of questionable modesty approaches, we at AFFotD are here to celebrate this glorious day.
But even great things like Halloween can have a dark side. An awesome dark side.
We are of course talking about…ZOMBIES.
“Huh…not a lot of shit went down on October 9th. Huh.”
~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief, Johnny Roosevelt
Some days in history are kind of boring. But AFFotD on Sundays is always lazy. So even on a day like, say, hypothetically, October 9th or something, when there’s very little that happened, we’re still going to present…
Today’s Date in American History (American Version)
Posted in Today in American History
Tagged America, Today in American History, Washington Monument
“Heh. Penis.”
~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief Johnny Roosevelt
We don’t have much to add to this. Here’s a comic.
Have a great weekend, everybody.
“Hatchets were invented by Aliens to trick the Navajo into alcoholism!”
~Francis Firegrove, AFFotD Conspiracy Theorist
A few months back we introduced you to one of our more…eccentric writers in the AFFotD office. Francis Firegrove has some…well, interesting thoughts that thankfully are easy to ignore. Hell, it livens up our lunch break to no end just watching Firegrove rung around swatting cantaloupes out of people’s hands screaming, “NO IT’S MADE OF LISTERIA!” (…wait what? He’s actually right about that? Haha, holy shit).
Of course, the problem with hiring a certified nutjob is that, on occasion, you have to…well, let him speak. Contractually. In retrospect, we don’t really know what we were on when we decided to add Firegrove to our staff…
Ha, oh right.
Well, either way, we might as well get this over with. If we don’t get Firegrove an article each calendar month, he technically becomes the majority owner of AFFotD. Yeah we don’t know the legality of that either, but this is the last time we’re writing a contract on the back of a Denny’s menu, we’ll tell you that.
Posted in America Fun Fact of the Day
Tagged America, Conspiracy Theory, Food, Francis Firegrove, Groceries, Grocery Store, Potato Chips
America Fun Fact of the Day 