America Fun Fact of the Day

“YES I AM AWARE HOW SIMILAR THIS IS TO THE STANDOFF SCENE IN RESEVOIR DOGS I DO NOT CARE I AM GETTING THAT LAST DRUMSTICK.”

~Typical American family member on Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is a beautiful lie told to American families to give them an excuse to watch football as they drink enough to get into yelling arguments with their family while they eat enough Turkey knock you out mid-fight.  Thanksgiving was invented as a way for families to work out their issues before “group therapy” became a thing, and if you’re still clinging to the myth of the first Thanksgiving being an idealistic sharing of cultures, we’ve got some bad news for you.  But that shouldn’t come as too much of a shock to you- it’s just like Santa Claus, a nice myth to help you get in the Holiday spirit.

Yes Thanksgiving is a wonderous American occasion, and if you’re reading this right now, we have one question for you.  What are you doing, you fools, you should be drunk by now!  If you’re saying, “But AFFotD, I am drunk” we’d retort that if we could clearly comprehend the sentence you just uttered, so you’re nowhere close to Thankgiving drunk.

Yes, we’ll let you know some interesting facts about Thanksgiving, we guess.  But only if it’s combined with spiced cider and enough Thanksgiving food to give John Wayne a Coronary.

Happy Thanksgiving, From AFFotD (Now with 100% more:  FACTS)

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“It’s war.”

~American Poultry Farmers

We all love America.  What’s not to like?  There are waterfalls, shopping malls, and there’s this one woman who will drag you around town in a red wagon all day for just two hundred bucks.  You might say that we have a tendency to get a little “heated” when talking about certain topics that we have deemed to be “Un-American.”  We’re just passionate, that’s all.  Do we take it too far sometimes when we say things like, “Vegans are baby eating soul suckers who are trying to destroy us all?”  No, not at all, every single fucking word of that is 100% true, and we regret nothing.

That’s why we feel a deep sense of shame when something that we love (Thanksgiving) has one of its best things (…booze?  Oh right, turkey) hijacked by the physical manifestation of all of our nightmares (vegans) and turned into filth that would be turned away by a sewage processing plant (pictured above).  That’s right, we’re talking about the Tofurky, because we care about you, Americans, and if you know someone who had eaten Tofurky before, we hate to tell you, but it’s too late for them.  Remember to remove the head or destroy the brain.  It might look like your loved one, but they’re not inside there anymore.

What’s worse, that this looks strangely like haggis, or that haggis sounds infinitely more palpable?

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