Wherein AFFotD Lampoons The Naivety of Foreigners Who Dare Protest The Intrinsic Value Of 10 Fine American Traditions

“We’re not strange, YOU’RE strange, shut up internet.”

~AFFotD Staffers

When we want to say that something is, without fail, awesome, we refer to that thing as an “American Tradition.”  Seriously, when have you ever heard of “American Tradition” being used in a bad way?  Baseball is an American tradition, fake birth certificates are not.  Fireworks are an American Tradition, and hand reconstruction surgery is improving each and every year.  If something has been deemed an American Tradition, that’s like America’s version of the hall of fame (we’d like to introduce this year’s recipient to our American Tradition list: Playing beer pong using mixed drinks when you run out of beer but want to keep playing).

It is with this in mind that we have to bring your attention to yet another site that is trying to besmirch America with their “articles.”  You know what this means, it’s time for us to take a massive shit on someone else’s writing.

Today’s recipient of our ire is the website “HowStuffWorks” for their egregious slideshow (eww, slideshow?) about “10 Strange American Traditions.”  Umm, asshats, is being awesome strange, because that’s the only way we can make heads or tails out of your article’s title.  These 10 American activities have been chosen because the writers here think that other nations would find them “strange at best.”  Which means that they totally named this article the wrong thing.  It should be called “10 American Traditions That Prove That Every Other Country Is Doing It Wrong.”

Hold us back, Internet.  Hold us back…

AFFotD Lampoons The Naivety of Foreigners Who Dare Protest The Intrinsic Value Of 10 Fine American Traditions

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Merry Christmas, Ya Filthy Animals

“AGHHHHHHH”

~Home Alone

Today is Sunday, the day that we do “Today in American History.”  Today is also Christmas.  We’re going to be honest, all of us have gone home to spend time with our families (the Walker family, the Van Winkle family, the Beam family, the Cuervo family, the… you get the idea) so we just set up a computer program to write a brief article about Christmas (the input was- 3 parts booze jokes, 2 parts fatty food references, 1 part dick jokes).

So today is Christmas.  Every other day in history, it doesn’t really matter, because it’s been December 25th, and that is Christmas.  Boozy Christmas, whiskey, bourbon, Christmas ham, Christmas cookies, penis.

So Merry Christmas, and hopefully you’re too busy spending drunken time with your family to be reading this.  Unless you’re not Christian, in which case befriend a nice Christian family and use it as an excuse to scam a free meal out of them.  Happy holidays!

 

America Fun Fact of the Day 12/24- Saturday Image of the Week

“Make it about Santa, you bastards!”

~People Who Like Christmas

“There are other holidays too, you guys!”

~Ugh, Seriously You Guys?

We’re not going to do that bullshit “Happy Holidays” thing.  Tomorrow is Christmas.  That’s exciting.

Anyway, here’s a picture for Christmas…and hey, since it’s Hanukkah/Chanukah/spelling is overrated, we’ll put a picture of that too.

That’s right folks.  A DOUBLE Image of the week.  Merry Christmas.

Rudolph the Motherfucking Reindeer

“But do you recall, the most badass, American reindeer of all?”

~Burt Ives

When your profession consists of being American, and spreading your Americanness across the expanse of the internet, it’s easy to let the holiday season slip away.  That’s why we have the most expensive, badass advent calendar ever created at our America Fun Fact of the Day offices, so that the hard workers of the AFFotD can spend their December being showered in sports cars, caviar, and IOUs for sexual favors from Hollywood’s most attractive stars and starlets.  We started things off with a bang on December 1st.  Literally, when our official Creepy AFFotD Office Guy, Steve Buscemi opened the door, a midget was shot out of a cannon right into his stomach.  It was hilarious, Steve made a woodchipper in Fargo joke, and the midget complained about how hungry and weak he felt after being trapped in that cannon without food for like three weeks.

Anyway, we could go on about how badass and American this advent calendar was, or about its hefty price tag, or about that time that a Bruce Springsteen concert was our advent for December 14th, but that’d be getting ahead of things.  Today, our advent was the ability to meet, and talk to, the one animal associated with Christmas that is more American than Santa Claus eating a KFC Double Down while participating in a fight club in International Waters.  We almost didn’t recognize him when he sprang out, decked in camouflage fatigues, smoking a ten inch cigar and violently headbutting a Russian repeatedly in the groin.  But when the comrade collapsed, blacking out from the pain, we saw the beast’s unmistakable, glorious red, glowing nose.

It was Rudolph the motherfucking reindeer.

“Sup girl.  How you livin?”

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America’s Greatest Holiday Candy Traditions

“You’d be amazed how smashed you can get off eggnog when you’re tweaking on a week’s worth of sugar.”

~American dentists

Christmas is just around the corner, which means a handful of you get to take advantage of your opportunity to be a massive asshole by putting coal in your kid’s stocking just to see the look on the little bastard’s face.  Really dude?  You’re going that route?  You think that shit’s funny?  How do you even procure a hunk of coal to do that?  You suck, and your kids are going to put you in one of the cheapest homes in town when your mind starts to go.  But for the rest of you, Christmas is a time for friends, family, and alcohol but we said that one two times already.

But Christmas is more than just about presents and liquor.  It’s about tradition.  And obesity.  Both of which can be seen as we investigate…

America’s Greatest Holiday Candy Traditions

Don’t worry, not all of them will look like penises.  This one will, though.

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AFFotD Takes on the Women’s Christian Temperance Union

“I mean, you can run with this, but it better not devolve into a whole thing calling individual women ugly or anything.”

~Johnny Roosevelt

Okay listen, by this point you know the deal.  If you drink and can at least hollowly echo our dislike of French people, we’ll get along fine.  Hell, even if you don’t drink but are like “fuck the French” we’ll not actively dislike you (but lord knows we won’t trust you).  But if you want to piss us off, you actively try to stop people from drinking.  Or, you know, try to save baby seals or whatever.  Fuck nature, they had enough chances, this isn’t Wall Street, we’re not here to bail out idiot penguins that didn’t realize that we were shuttling oil through a dangerous sea passage.

Yeah, FUCK you, penguins.

All that being said, we try not to talk about hot button issues necessarily.  Especially religion.  Because religion will breed conversations between zealots and assholes (yeah we’re looking at you, people who make a “flying spaghetti monster” joke as soon as someone mentions church) and no one wants that.  Which is why, when an intrepid reader pointed us to this site, we were hesitant to talk shit.  At first.  We saw “Women’s Christian” in the title and said, “hold up.”  We don’t want to get into religious discussions, and we really don’t want to be viewed as misogynistic, so we were hesitant to “tear this site apart and see what final stroke will finally kill it” as our reader suggested.  But then we read “Temperance Union” and just three neat whiskeys and one Wikipedia search later, we were enraged.

Not only are these damn Jesus bitches trying to stop us from drinking…well , no, that’s the main reason why we have an issue with them.  That and the fact that their webmaster must have died in an unfortunate geocities mudslide back in 1998 because, goddamn, just look at this screenshot.

Look, we have these “intelligent phones” the youths are using nowadays!

So the gloves are off.  We’re not even declaring a blog war here, we’re starting a real life war, because these people will not be allowed to touch our booze.  No siree.  So get ready, as…

AFFotD Takes on the Women’s Christian Temperance Union

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Quentin Roosevelt Was The Favorite

“Quentin?  Respect.”

~Teddy Roosevelt

Many of you following our Teddy’s Tots feature have no doubt thought to yourselves, “Wow, so these kids were all born in the 1800s, a decade lousy with child mortality rates, and so far all of his children have lived to be older than fifty, and in one case, ninety years old.  Didn’t only one of Abraham Lincoln’s four children survive into adulthood?”  That’s…yes that’s true.  Wow, you know your shit.  Well then you probably knew that Teddy Roosevelt’s youngest child was the one to live the shortest?  You did?

Well then you also know that Quentin Roosevelt managed to fit more badass in twenty years of life than most professional bear wrestlers.  That’s why we are proud to present, the sixth and final chapter in the Teddy’s Tots series, with…

Quentin Roosevelt Was The Favorite

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Additional Insane American Patents

“I’m not saying that if you go home with me tonight you will end up as an integral part of a compost heap, but I did once invent a diaper for a parrot.”

~U.S. Patent Holders

We’ve on three previous occasions done our best to warn you about future Jigsaw-like serial killers by posting about the most insane patents that can partially be blamed on the failings of our current mental healthcare system.  Yes, that image up there is ear-warmers for a poodle.  Yes, the ear on the right is noticeably lower than the left, giving you the impression that this product actually slightly mutilates the dog.  Yes, someone spent months preparing this patent, and spent nights where the last thought they had before going to sleep was a hopeful dream about the fame and riches they would get from their patent.  Holy shit, that’s depressing.

There are over eight million patents that have been issued in the United States as of the writing of this article, and just like when you see eight million lobsters you occasionally end up with some blue ones, when you get eight million patents you get a few distressing cries for help.  Well, it’s actually a lot more common than the whole blue lobster thing. ‘Cause there are a lot more insane patents than there are blue lobsters.  Anyway, onto the insanity.

Additional Insane American Patents

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America Fun Fact of the Day 12/18- December 18th in American History

“Come on, you know no one gives a crap about what happened on any day in December other than Christmas.”

~You, the reader

Can you feel that in the air?  That soft cold embrace from winter?  “No, I actually live in the southern half of the United States, it’s still quite warm” okay well fuck you, you’re clearly not the target demographic for that sentence.  “Yeah but I’m still like half of the nation’s population” just, okay?  Okay?  We were trying to be poetic and you ruined it, you suck.

Today’s Date in American History

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America Fun Fact of the Day 12/17- Saturday Image of the Week

“Keep on reaching, little guy.”

~Yes.  Keep on reaching.

Every Saturday we tend to half-ass and piece together an article with a picture slapped on it, because it’s Saturday and we treat Fridays like Americans should- by getting mindlessly drunk and possibly threatening to punch a fucker in the face.  (Yeah we’re talking to you.  You know who you are.  Come at us, bro.  Come at us.)

But every once and a while we take a moment to salute the future, because we all know that eventually, our future Americans will be just as American as us.  Here is one of those moments.

Have a great weekend, everybody.