Category Archives: Miscellaneous America

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Posted in Miscellaneous America

Tagged America, Christmas, Rudolph

Additional Insane American Patents

Posted on December 19, 2011 | 1 comment

“I’m not saying that if you go home with me tonight you will end up as an integral part of a compost heap, but I did once invent a diaper for a parrot.”

~U.S. Patent Holders

We’ve on three previous occasions done our best to warn you about future Jigsaw-like serial killers by posting about the most insane patents that can partially be blamed on the failings of our current mental healthcare system. Yes, that image up there is ear-warmers for a poodle. Yes, the ear on the right is noticeably lower than the left, giving you the impression that this product actually slightly mutilates the dog. Yes, someone spent months preparing this patent, and spent nights where the last thought they had before going to sleep was a hopeful dream about the fame and riches they would get from their patent. Holy shit, that’s depressing.

There are over eight million patents that have been issued in the United States as of the writing of this article, and just like when you see eight million lobsters you occasionally end up with some blue ones, when you get eight million patents you get a few distressing cries for help. Well, it’s actually a lot more common than the whole blue lobster thing. ‘Cause there are a lot more insane patents than there are blue lobsters. Anyway, onto the insanity.

Additional Insane American Patents

Posted in Insane Patents

Tagged America, Patents

More of America’s Even Crazier Patents

Posted on December 12, 2011 | 2 comments

“*silent, terrifying grin*”

~U.S. Patent Holders

We have, on occasion, taken a moment to look at some of the more mind-melting patents that have been approved in America. While we support these patents as a sign of the same American ingenuity that led to the invention of the internet as a way to ensure Japan keeps itself busy inventing terrifying pornography, we also love the fact that the more imaginatively insane members of our society are the ones who are most likely to wake up in a cold sweat one night and decide, “My God, I need to invent a mechanical ice cream cone!” Honestly, the booming patent industry is probably the reason why our serial killers have such lower body totals than their predecessors, since they’re too busy trying to invent a knife that also can be worn as a shirt to be spending as much time hunting for victims.

And where there are Americans showing their inner psychological issues in absurd, hilarious ways, we at AFFotD are here, ready to handpick some of the best and display for you…

More of America’s Even Crazier Patents

“Penises…it all looks like penises to me now…”

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Posted in Insane Patents

Tagged America, daddle, dumper bumper, Patents, Weird Patents

Holy Mother of Cow, It’s the World’s Largest Hamburger!

Posted on December 6, 2011 | 6 comments

“Weighing in at over 300 pounds, this 3 foot tall hunk of meat….”

~A Porn actress’s nightmare

It should come as no surprise to you that we at the America Fun Fact of the Day have a pretty well-established love of Hamburgers. We also love needless excess. Show us the person who would say that we’re “wasting our time” making and selling the world’s largest gummy bear and we’ll show you a sad individual whose dream of making and selling the world’s largest gummy bear was likely dashed by diabetes.

America loves unhealthy things, and we love lots of unhealthy things far more. When someone tells us something has 540,000 calories, our response is generally, “I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat yourself, I just climaxed.”

But, to quote the guy from Queens who thought we just insulted him in that last sentence, “I got your 540,000 calories riiiiight here.” And he does. Or at least we do. And by “we” we mean to say “Detroit”. In the form of…

Holy Mother of Cow, It’s the World’s Largest Hamburger!

Pictured, from left to right: Ingredient, Ingredient, Hamburger, Psychopath chef

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Posted in America's Largest Everything, Hot Dogs, Hamburgers, Steaks

Tagged America, Cheese, Detroit, Hamburger, Mallie's Sports Bar, michigan, World's Largest Hamburger

AFFotD Discusses and Interprets the 10 Most Shoplifted Items of 2011

Posted on December 1, 2011 | Leave a comment

“Come on man, just put this hat in your shirt and walk out. Don’t you want to be cool like us?”

~The Cool Kids

People steal shit. If that surprises you, we’re sorry. Here are a few more doozies for you: People enjoy sex, fast food is unhealthy, and emails from strangers with a poor grasp on English asking for money tend not to have honest intentions. Welcome to the real world, junior, we play for keeps.

Yes, there many categories of theft, but the most commonly occurring one would have to be shoplifting. And in this economy, it should come as no surprise that there was a 6% increase in reported shopliftings between 2010 and 2011. Shoplifting is so rampant in this country that there is even an organization called the National Association for Shoplifting Prevention, or NASP, whose sole purpose is to deter you from shoplifting while maintaining a website that doesn’t understand how color schemes work.

So when Adweek posted an article about the top 10 most shoplifted items, we were interested. Not because it is American to shoplift (it’s not) but because it’s Americans doing the shoplifting, and we secretly hoped that they were at least picking out things that fell into our definition of “Hell yes, that’s American.”

And for the most part they did. That’s why, we here at AFFotD are here to present…

AFFotD Discusses and Interprets the 10 Most Shoplifted Items of 2011

That’s a really harsh punishment. Letting everyone know you shop at Walmart. Yeesh.

Happy Thanksgiving, From AFFotD (Now with 100% more: FACTS)

Posted on November 24, 2011 | 1 comment

“YES I AM AWARE HOW SIMILAR THIS IS TO THE STANDOFF SCENE IN RESEVOIR DOGS I DO NOT CARE I AM GETTING THAT LAST DRUMSTICK.”

~Typical American family member on Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is a beautiful lie told to American families to give them an excuse to watch football as they drink enough to get into yelling arguments with their family while they eat enough Turkey knock you out mid-fight. Thanksgiving was invented as a way for families to work out their issues before “group therapy” became a thing, and if you’re still clinging to the myth of the first Thanksgiving being an idealistic sharing of cultures, we’ve got some bad news for you. But that shouldn’t come as too much of a shock to you- it’s just like Santa Claus, a nice myth to help you get in the Holiday spirit.

Yes Thanksgiving is a wonderous American occasion, and if you’re reading this right now, we have one question for you. What are you doing, you fools, you should be drunk by now! If you’re saying, “But AFFotD, I am drunk” we’d retort that if we could clearly comprehend the sentence you just uttered, so you’re nowhere close to Thankgiving drunk.

Yes, we’ll let you know some interesting facts about Thanksgiving, we guess. But only if it’s combined with spiced cider and enough Thanksgiving food to give John Wayne a Coronary.

Happy Thanksgiving, From AFFotD (Now with 100% more: FACTS)

Posted in Miscellaneous America

Money From America’s Past

Posted on November 23, 2011 | Leave a comment

“Am I allowed take a bath in all the printed money before we send it out?”

~The U.S. Mint

Many people believe that “money makes the world go round” (of course the American thinker Greg Galileo would tell you that Atlas’ rippling shoulder muscles make the world go round, but we digress) but what they of course mean to say is that American money can get you anything you want. Panama, Ecuador, and El Salvador all actually use America’s money as their own currency, and American currency has always been the strongest, most stable currency in the world (and for those of you saying that the dollar is “weak” and that “Canada’s dollar is now more valuable” we say…shut up shut up we can’t hear you lalalalala).

But as badass as American money is (shut up, European Union) American dollar bills from the past were even more badass. How could they be more badass than what we have now, you might wonder. Hell, our cheapest dollar bill still has George Washington’s laser vision on the damn thing. Was earlier currency worth, like a billion dollars?

Okay maybe not so much, but early dollars featured sideboob and electricity, which our current bills are sorely lacking. That’s why we’re going to take a glimpse into the past and examine…

Money From America’s Past

Gangsta.

Tofurkey: Enemy Spy, or Just Terrible Thanksgiving Food Option?

Posted on November 22, 2011 | 3 comments

“It’s war.”

~American Poultry Farmers

We all love America. What’s not to like? There are waterfalls, shopping malls, and there’s this one woman who will drag you around town in a red wagon all day for just two hundred bucks. You might say that we have a tendency to get a little “heated” when talking about certain topics that we have deemed to be “Un-American.” We’re just passionate, that’s all. Do we take it too far sometimes when we say things like, “Vegans are baby eating soul suckers who are trying to destroy us all?” No, not at all, every single fucking word of that is 100% true, and we regret nothing.

That’s why we feel a deep sense of shame when something that we love (Thanksgiving) has one of its best things (…booze? Oh right, turkey) hijacked by the physical manifestation of all of our nightmares (vegans) and turned into filth that would be turned away by a sewage processing plant (pictured above). That’s right, we’re talking about the Tofurky, because we care about you, Americans, and if you know someone who had eaten Tofurky before, we hate to tell you, but it’s too late for them. Remember to remove the head or destroy the brain. It might look like your loved one, but they’re not inside there anymore.

What’s worse, that this looks strangely like haggis, or that haggis sounds infinitely more palpable?

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Posted in Miscellaneous America

The Worst Reality Shows of America (#5-1)

Posted on November 8, 2011 | 1 comment

“Even I wouldn’t degrade myself to do this midget show.”

~Kim Kardashian

As discussed in yesterday’s Fun Fact, American entertainment hinges around the laziness encouraged by the creation, and viewing, of reality TV shows. And since praising thing is boring, we decided to focus on the negatives. That’s why we’re here to finish off the last five entries in…

America’s 10 Worst Reality TV Shows (Part 2)

Posted in Miscellaneous America

Tagged America, Are you Hot, Chains of Love, Kim Kardashian, The Littlest Groom, The Will, Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire, Worst Reality Shows of America

The Worst Reality Shows of America (#10-6)

Posted on November 7, 2011 | 1 comment

“Seriously, how else could you imagine someone whose name ends with three consonants becoming famous?”

~Jeff Probst

There are two things that America looks for in entertainment- we want to see people who are so horrible they make the viewer look like a good person in comparison, and we don’t want to strain their brains by having to “think.” That’s why it should go as no surprise that once America got over their weird (but brief) fixation with game shows in the late 1990s, they righted the ship by going the complete opposite intellectual direction by developing an obsession with Reality TV Shows.

And honestly, Reality TV is a blessing for American TV Producers. You don’t have to pay “writers” and people will assume that what they’re watching is real and organic, and is in no way practically just as scripted as any sitcom or drama.

And while America spends its time giving Emmy’s to The Amazing Race, we here at AFFotD honestly don’t give a shit about “popular” and “successful” and “critically acclaimed” reality television programs. We’re just here to poke fun at…

America’s 10 Worst Reality TV Shows

“A Shot at Love with- an alien bi-sexual.”