Category Archives: AFFotD Special Features

Every so often, our writers run out of whiskey when the liquor stores have already closed. Unsure what to do in such a terrifyingly sober world, we try to occupy ourselves by writing comprehensive long-form articles about some of the most important aspect of America.

We’ve put each of our special feature here for you to peruse, because deep down you’ve always wanted to know about the lives of each of Teddy Roosevelt’s kids, or about the most American quality of each American state. Or it’s just a slow work day and you’re looking to pass the time with a healthy dose of America.

America’s Goofiest Pictures of American Presidents (Part One: 1933-Present)

Posted on August 31, 2011 | 3 comments

Heh, you ain’t gonna find any of me, right?”

~George W. Bush


America is great at whatever they put their mind to, ranging from Lady’s Soccer to anything that isn’t Men’s Soccer.  But even we can’t keep an appearance of perfection at all times.  If there were Americans who, say, looked great every moment of every day, there’d be no reason to Photoshop away the Bulimia-related liver splotches on our most attractive models.  No matter who you’re choosing to idealize, you’re going to be able to find photographic evidence of some imperfection (cough Megan Fox has toe thumbs cough).

Nowhere is that more evident than with our nation’s leaders.  For as long as President’s have been being photographed, presidents have been photographed looking downright goofy or ridiculous at times.  Here is a rundown of the goofy photos of each American President.

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AFFotD Presents a Week of American Holidays (Part Five)

Posted on July 8, 2011 | 1 comment

“I don’t care what we’re celebrating, are you supposed to get shitty?  Yes?  GOOD.”

~America


As we’ve been seeing the past couple of days, America has shitload of Holidays.  There are national holidays, and there are the “lesser” holidays that aren’t nationally observed, but still get people out of work sometimes.  However, sometimes you have to work on a Holiday, and while that’s unfortunate, it’s more than made up for the fact that these holidays are little more than veiled excuses to drink heavily.

Pictured above:  Pearl Harbor Remembrance Day

So it is with this in mind that we delve into the last subset of American holidays- the American holidays that don’t give you a day off, but are nationally celebrated.  As always, these are ranked from least-to-most American.

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AFFotD Presents a Week of American Holidays (Part Four)

Posted on July 7, 2011 | Leave a comment

“Good Friday doesn’t count THAT much, does it?”

~Jesus

As we saw in yesterday’s post, there are a surprising amount of Holidays that occur throughout America, ranging from “Well that’s just stupid” to “Oh I guess I’ve heard of that.”  In honor of this week being the week of America’s fucking birthday, we’re continuing our five part feature on Holidays in America.  Continuing onward…

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AFFotD Presents a Week of American Holidays (Part Three)

Posted on July 6, 2011 | Leave a comment

“Who even gives a shit about August 26th being Women’s Equality Day, huh?  What kind of bullshit is that?

~National Dog Day, which occurs on August 26th

As we saw in yesterday’s Fun Fact, Holidays are pretty cool.  Even the lame holidays are fine in our book, so long as we get a day off from them.  However, there are many holidays in America that you can get the day off in certain parts of the country, but not everywhere else, mainly because Alabama wants to act all douchey by giving a day off for “Confederacy Day.”

Yeah, that makes sense.  “Oh, we lost a war, let’s reward ourselves with a day off from school.”  That’d be like England taking a day off to celebrate losing the Revolutionary War, only the Brits would at least have the good sense to call it the, “Oh Blimey, We Bollocks Up the Wanker With This One” Day or whatever the fuck because everything that British people say sounds fucking ridiculous.

“Oh I hobgobbed the  wobbler in the lift with the wassbots, blah blah Fish and Chips.”  We’re pretty sure she just ordered a bomb strike on Grenada with that sentence.

With that in mind, AFFotD is here to continue our discussion of American Holidays, with a look at some of the more tenuous excuses to give people a day off from school around the nation.  This list, as always will be in order of least American to most American. Continue reading →

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AFFotD Presents a Week of American Holidays (Part Two)

Posted on July 5, 2011 | Leave a comment

“Two days off in a row is sort of cutting it a little close, though…”

~Still your boss

As we discussed in yesterday’s fun fact, this week will be devoted to discussing the importance of Holidays in American culture.  We’re going to keep that going today with the most American Federal Holidays that you don’t have to go to work for, because America’s got your back.

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Happy 4th of July, AFFotD Presents a Week of Holidays (Part One)

Posted on July 4, 2011 | Leave a comment

“…I actually like holidays a bit myself.”

~Your boss


Back in the 2004, as we were relishing in the early-mid-aughties, a song came out that had lyrics we found particularly inspiring.  “It’s so much better on holiday/ that’s why we only work/ when we need the money.”  These American words, written by Franz Ferdinand (oh shit wait they’re from Glasgow, uh, shit shit uh, how about…) AC/DC really sum up the mindset of a nation that founded by a holiday (the 4th of July) and uses holidays to celebrate everything from the brutal subjugation of asshole natives who were acting like they owned the land they had lived on for generations (Columbus Day) to the brutal subjugation of asshole natives who had the audacity to try to tell us how to grow corn (Thanksgiving).  You stick the seed in the ground, we’re pretty sure we can take it from here, now give us New York please.

Yeah that’s about right

Of course, the origins of holidays have very little to do with their American purpose.  Cinco De Mayo used to be a mild celebration over a battle that the Mexican army won in 1862, but now it’s a way for us to celebrate getting drunk on Tequila while letting American school children worry school officials by wearing in-your-face American flag paraphernalia.  In the long run, if it gets us out of work, or school, we don’t really care too much about the origin of holidays.  Non-Christians that complain about the fact that they “have” to take a day off of work on Christmas are the grown-up equivalent of the nerdy kid in school who demands that the teacher give the class a pop quiz.  No one has ever liked them, because they’re annoying, now take your free day and like it.

Or else

So with that in mind, and in honor of today being the Fourth of July, this week AFFotD will present for you a a week devoted to the discussion of the American qualities of each Holiday.  We’re here to start with every Federal (ie, public offices are closed by it) holiday, and rank them in terms of their Americanness, from worst to first.

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America’s Greatest Prison Breaks (Part 2)

Posted on May 18, 2011 | 3 comments

“…Ta da?”

~G.O.B. Bluth

As we discussed in yesterday’s fun fact prison breaks never fail to capture America’s imagination.  Who among us can beat the odds and escape from that which was made to contain us?

It is with this concept in our hearts that we bring you…

AFFotD’s History of the Best American Prison Escapes Part 2

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America’s Greatest Prison Breaks (Part 1)

Posted on May 17, 2011 | 1 comment

“Houdini!”

~Ricky Bobby

America has always had a fascination with escapes.  We make movies about escaping POW camps, our favorite game during Recess was Jail Break, and there was that one show on Fox that we only really watched for the first season, but apparently lasted for more seasons than Arrested Development.  There’s something American about sticking it to some sort of foreign land or domestic legal system(though we tend to have an easier time rooting for it when there’s a “Innocent person in jail” angle, but whatever).

Remember this?  No?  Nothing?

It is with the intrepid “this bird cannot be caged” American mindset, then, that we present you with…

AFFotD’s History of the Best American Prison Escapes


…Though Prison isn’t ALL bad…

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AFFotD’s When Vigilantism Goes Awesome Part 3

Posted on May 13, 2011 | 1 comment

“Shhhhh…”

~Skidmore, Missouri

As we’ve been saying all week, vigilantism has been used both for good and evil throughout American History.  We’ve of course been focusing on the positives, like actual superheroes and people messing with bigots, but now we’re delving into territory that some might disagree with.  So, we will have a disclaimer- we are about to describe events that occurred in real life, and led to someone’s death.  We do not condone this course of action, and urge all of you to behave responsibly and within the law when met with similar extreme circumstances.  Wink.

Do not try this totally badass thing at home

So with that in mind we’re going to bring to you, in the final chapter of AFFotD’s When Vigilantism Goes Awesome…

Ken McElroy Died in a Way to Ensure He’d Be Forever Enshrined as a Douchebag

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AFFotD’s When Vigilantism Goes Awesome Part 2

Posted on May 12, 2011 | 2 comments

“This is like, the plot of that movie ‘Kick-Ass’ right?”

~You, the Reader


As stated previously, vigilantism is a ethically “ambiguous” and “can cause more harm than more good” and “blah blah bring me pictures of Peter Parker” we get it.  We don’t want to quibble in semantics.  That’s for the next fun fact regarding American vigilantism when someone was legit straight up murdered.  But forget about that heavy shit, today, we’re going to continue AFFotD’s When Vigilantism Goes Awesome with…

Superheroes?  More like Super…uh…That-sounds-fuckingAwesome…oes.

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