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An AFFotd Exclusive: Robert Stewart and the 1.00 BAC
“I’m not proud of it by no means but after that night and my hospital bills it would be nice to get something else out of it. Lol.”
~Robert Stewart
Listen. We’re not exactly breakers of news around these parts. We hear about things, we let you know them, and we dig through the internet’s murkier basements to find about high alcohol beers or cotton candy flavored vodkas, but this isn’t exactly the Washington Post here. The closest we come to breaking news is when we purposely misrepresent a news article because we’re feeling like being kind of dickish that particular day. We’re not the kind of site that people go to when they want to be the first to hear about some Earth shattering development, though we’d not mind being the kind of site that people would offer free beers to so we can review them for them (hint hint, America).
That’s why we’re writing a quick AFFotD in order to tell you about an edit we recently made to one of our more popular article thanks to an email sent in by an intrepid reader. He informed us that our article, at the time listing the eight highest BAC readings of all time, was a bit inaccurate, because he had just the previous weekend drank himself to a healthy (editor’s note: no the opposite of that word you just used) 1.00 BAC, meaning that a full 1% of all the blood in his body was alcohol.
To put it in perspective, his BLOOD was about half as alcoholic as this beer.
Do we know if this is true? No. Is it true? Eh, we hope, maybe. He wanted us to use his real name, he gave us his details of the day (our main concerns are that he remembers what he drank a bit too well and, honestly, that the email address he sent to us lists a different name than the one he told us to use for the article). But we so rarely get a chance to break a story! So anyway, here is the story of Kentucky resident Robert Stewart, which is possibly his real name or it’s possibly someone who really likes Rob Stewart taking us for a fucking ride, but yeah. Our exclusive story about a 1.00 BAC.
Editor’s note: At this point it should go without saying that this is not something you should ever try to match, because you will die. Actively die. Not, ha ha, oh man, this much booze will kill you, ha ha ha, no we mean it, HALF of this booze is what most doctors refer to as a lethal fucking blood alcohol content, so, like, just drink until you black out and stop there, okay?
An AFFotd Exclusive: Robert Stewart and the 1.00 BAC
The Medal of Honor from 1871-1917: The Military Honor America Couldn’t Seem To Give Away Fast Enough
“No, seriously, you have to stop printing these like Thin Mints. What’s it gonna take, an actual major war to make you chill?”
~Smedley Butler, trying to turn down a Medal of Honor in the early 20th century
We’re going to start this one off with a disclaimer—any claims we make regarding the Medal of Honor is a reflection of how politicians and military leaders handed out the honor before we really had any intense modern wars under our belt. Our servicemen that fought in the World Wars, Korea, Vietnam, Afghanistan, Iraq, or the many other excursions where they have put their lives on the line for their brothers and for their country have paid dearly for our benefit, and every single recipient of the Medal of Honor can, at worst, be called a hero (at best they can be called “basically Batman, if Batman could get free beer and deserved gratitude sex whenever they want”).
Even when we make fun of the skirmishes that resulted in Medals of honor being handed out during the time period of 1869 (when we had kind of forgotten what the Civil War was like) to 1917 (when we started World War I and realized, holy shit, this shit is super intense), we’re acknowledging that the soldiers who were awarded did show valor and a love of this country. They just happened to get an award that was handed out to pretty much anyone who asked for it up until recently. Let’s put it this way—Congress gave out 1522 Medal of Honors in the Civil War, of which 32 were posthumous. Now, the American Civil War was a bloody and bitterly fought war, but when you consider the fact that we awarded only 464 during the entirety of World War II (266 posthumously by the way), or that we’ve only given out 16 (7 of which were to fallen soldiers) of these awards in the Afghanistan and Iraqi War combined, you can see how we’ve increasingly made the honor harder and harder to get. The Congressional Medal of Honor, as we know it know, is the most prestigious and rare award for those who have gone above and beyond their duty to keep freedom within these borders—for those of you with a loose idea of what military action generally means, this is the award a soldier gets when doing something so brave and so intense that, if you saw it in a movie, you’d respond, “Oh, come on, the director’s really taking some liberties with this battle to make it seem more exciting.”
So currently, yes, the Medal of Honor is given out only in the most extraordinary and harrowing cases , but during the time period between the end of the Civil War and start of World War I? Well, at that point it was more…
The Medal of Honor from 1871-1917: The Military Honor America Couldn’t Seem To Give Away Fast Enough
Posted in 19th Century Factoids, 20th Century Insanity, America's Greatest Fun Facts, American Heroes, Fighters
Tagged America, American Samoa, Boxer Rebellion, Cuba, Dominican Republic, Guam, Haiti, Indian Wars, Invasion of Haiti, Korea, Korean Expedition, Korean Expedition of 1871, Medal of Honor, Mexico, Military, Occupation of Dominican Republic, Occupation of Veracruz, Philippine-American War, Phillippines, Puerto Rico, Rough Riders, Samoa, Samoan Civil War, San Juan hill, Second Samoan Civil War, Shinmiyangyo, Smedley Butler, Spain, Spanish-American War, Tampico Affair, Teddy Roosevelt, Veracruz, Veterans
Gary Kness: The Ultimate Badass Bystander
“Wait, you mean life ISN’T supposed to be like a Michael Bay film?”
~Gary Kness
On April 5th, 1970, two career criminals named Bobby Davis and Jack Twinning were planning on using explosives to rob an armored car in California, since action movies had yet to catch up to real life at this point. On the way to steal these explosives, Davis decided to performed an ill-advised U-turn, cutting off a military serviceman who he then threatened by brandishing a gun before fleeing when the serviceman told him that officers from the California Highway Patrol were in the area. They weren’t, but they would be, since the serviceman immediately went to a payphone (before cell phones we used to call people by, you know what, no time to explain, just roll with it) to actually get the police there to track down the crazy dude brandishing a gun on the highway. This little bit of road rage eventually lead to the Newhall massacre, a tragic event that took the lives of four young CHP officers, which at the time was the deadliest day in the history of California law enforcement, and lead to drastic overhauls in the way police officers are kept safe in this country.
We could talk about the Newhall massacre specifically, because it’s a very intense story, but it’s also a bummer to focus in on that, so instead we’re going to take a moment to tell you about the Newhall massacre through the eyes of Gary Kness, the 31-year-old former Marine who happened to drive past the shootout and think, “You know what, this is something I should probably stick my nose in.” While it was a day that was filled with tremendous sacrifice (God, we’re going to have a hard time tossing in jokes about this without feeling like dicks) Gary Kness proves the American spirit of just, straight up not giving a fuck when it comes to putting punks in their damn place.
So with a lot of hemming and hawing, we present to you…
Gary Kness: The Ultimate Badass Bystander
Posted in Fighters, The Best of the Rest
Tagged America, Badass, Bystandard, Gary Kness, Newhall massacre, robbery
America’s Strangest Alcohol-Infused Food Items
“Oh you son of a bitch.”
~Teetotalers We’ve Tricked Into Eating Alcoholic Food
Around these parts, our staff has a potentially unhealthy infatuation with combining two of the most American forms of consumption—eating and drinking—into inventive ways to get drunk without even having to drink anything. Why do we want to take drinking out of the equation? We don’t, drinking is wonderful, but we feel that there’s no such thing as too many ways to cram alcohol into your poor decisions, which is why we’re always around to champion such innovations as deep fried alcohol, and also why we’re going to try to be the first people to get hospitalized by eating that new powdered alcohol stuff straight from the box, just the powder.
Now, we’ve previously talked about food being used to make alcohol—specifically, meat beers that are brewed with actual animal meat, because ha ha vegetarians your lifestyle is one that our evolution has actively discouraged. Now it’s only fitting to go the other direction, and talk about alcohol being used to make food. All of these meals and desserts exist in America for your consumption, created by heroes who looked at a dinner plate and thought, “You know what? Let’s get drunk off that, no matter how weird of an idea it might seem.”
America’s Strangest Alcohol-Infused Food Items
The American History of the Pop-Tart
“Pop Tarts: The Perfect Breakfast For A Broken Home!”
~Rejected Pop Tarts slogan
Parenting is not easy, which is why American corporations have entire divisions dedicated to giving parents as many moments of unencumbered sanity as humanly possible. Sure, we made Sesame Street as a fun way to entertain kids while educating them, but we also want to give parents thirty minutes of peace where they could plop the kids in front of the TV and talk about maybe getting a fast quickie done in the laundry room before ultimately deciding that they’d both rather just take a 10 minute nap. It’s the same reason why the iPad went from a frankly unnecessary gadget to a must-have child distraction device for new parents, and it’s also why Uncrustables exist as an easy way to tell your child you don’t really love them that much.
But of all the areas where American corporations try to make life easier for the struggling parent, there is one breakfast treat that’s been jazzing kids and adults up on unnecessarily high amounts of sugar morning in and morning out in a quest to make at least the beginning of the day a shade easier while you try to hide the fact that you’re a bit hungover to your kids who just won’t stop asking why you’re holding your head in those shrill monster little voices of theirs.
That product, of course, is the Pop-Tart. More American than the apple pie, because we invented it, and we use it to cut corners.
The American History of the Pop-Tart
Posted in America's Best Foods, America's Culinary Treats
Tagged America, Kellogg, Kellogg's, pop tarts, Pop-Tart, Toaster Strudel
S’mores: Giving America Yet Another Reason To Love Fire
“No, you see, they’re called S’Mores because you always WANT Some…”
~No, we get it, you don’t have to finish
Camping is as American of a tradition as you can find among middle class people who take delight in purposely leaving the comforts of world behind so they can sleep under a pitched piece of fabric and try to stave off their urge to use the bathroom until the weekend is over, taking advantage of our nation’s surplus of forested wilderness instead of burning it to the ground to put up the Walmart that, let’s be real, will work around zoning regulations eventually. And when we go camping, we’re almost guaranteed to run into two American activities—having outdoor intercourse interrupted by murdering monsters, and sticking a marshmallow into fire and smudging it on some chocolate between two graham crackers.
Today we’re going to tell you the history of the most American camping activity of the two. No, it’s not the slasher film thing. Let’s take a moment to nurse the soon-to-be-burned roof of our mouths as we talk about…
S’mores: Giving America Yet Another Reason To Love Fire
Posted in America's Best Foods, America's Culinary Treats
Tagged America, Camping, Chocolate, Graham Cracker, graham crackers, Marshmallow, S'more, S'mores
The Craziest Hot Dogs in Professional Baseball (Minor League Edition)
“You can’t get butts in the seat without a gimmick!”
As covered a few days ago, baseball and insane hot dogs go together like serial killers and women who send love letters to various prisons who have a lot of issues they need to work out. We should tease out that comparison a little bit more, but we’re not going to. Anyway, the point we think we’re trying to make is that, stadiums like to ply baseball fans with booze and food because while baseball can be boring, if you’re drunk and full, you won’t really mind. This has led to a recent explosion in creative, intense, and, well, insane hot dogs throughout the baseball world. And while we’ve talked about hot dogs in Major League Baseball stadiums already, that was really us going easy on the rest of you. Because Minor League Baseball only sustains itself through the unfulfillable dreams of thousands of minimum wage athletes, and ridiculous ballpark gimmicks. If you think of it, Minor League baseball has probably done it! Smash a printer like in the movie Office Space!? Sure! Dress a dog as the bat boy? Why not! Live amputation on the field? Jesus Christ, no, what the living hell is wrong with you!?
Anyway, if you thought that the last article we had about crazy hot dogs, well…no that was pretty crazy. But check this shit out too!
The Craziest Hot Dogs in Professional Baseball (Minor League Edition)
Posted in America's Culinary Treats, American Sausage Series, Hot Dogs, Hamburgers, Steaks, The American Sandwich Series
Tagged America, Baseball, Corpus Christi Hooks, el Baso Chihuahuas, Eugene Emeralds, Hot Dog, hot dogs, Major League Baseball, Memphis Meets Mexico Juarez Dog, Minor League Baseball, MLB, Rochester Red Wings, The Babe, The Seenie Donut Dog, Tony Soprano Dog, VooDoo Doughnut Bacon Maple Brat, Voodoo Doughnuts, Wilmington Blue rocks
The Craziest Hot Dogs in Professional Baseball (Major League Edition)
“Take me out to the barf game, take me out to the puke!”
~Your obnoxious seven-year-old nephew who, you have to admit, probably has a bright parody career ahead of him
America invented most of the world’s best sports. Football? That was us. Basketball? Sure, it was by a Canadian, but only because he was being paid by the Springfield, Massachusetts YMCA when he came up with it, because Canadian dollars were still printed on tree bark at the time, and we were responsible for all the changes that make it recognizable as a sport today. Soccer? Nice try, not a real sport, next question.
But of all the excuses for young men (and women!) to vent out the aggression of youth in a competitive and potentially humiliating environment that has been birthed within these borders, only one sport is iconic enough to be known as our national pastime. No, not Mixed Martial Arts, that’s a terrible guess, are you high right now? We’re talking about baseball of course.
You might view baseball as a relic of a simpler age, when men were men, owners were horrific bigots, and amphetamines were just, everywhere, all the time, which would explain why the sport struggles in some markets to maintain its relevancy. It’s a slow-moving game trying to make its way in a fast-paced world, and say what you will about heart palpitations but taking the majority of the workforce off of Speed in the 80’s didn’t really do much for the pace of the game. Major League Baseball teams try to combat the issues implicit with asking some 40,000 Americans to sit very still for three or four hours by making a day at the ball game a full entertainment and gastronomical experience. This involves a gallons of watered down beer and, more recently, absurd, amazing American culinary disasterpieces for us to shove in our faces and slink into our chairs to ride out our food coma contently watching yet another 1-2-3 inning.
Sure, we could go on about crazy nachos served in miniature baseball hats, or giant cups of frozen sugar (okay, so maybe malt cups aren’t exactly a new development) but let’s be real here. This is America’s sport, we’re going to need to talk about America’s food. America’s best, most absurdly adaptable, most occasionally unnecessarily expensive food. Let’s get to it.
The Craziest Hot Dogs in Professional Baseball (Major League Edition)
Posted in America's Best Foods, American Sausage Series, Hot Dogs, Hamburgers, Steaks, The American Sandwich Series
Tagged America, Arizona Diamondbacks, Baltimore, Baltimore Orioles, Baseball, boomstick, Chicago Cubs, Corn Dog, D-bat Dog, Hot Dog, hot dogs, Los Angeles Dodgers, Major League Baseball, Milwaukee Brewers, MLB, Pittsburgh Pirates, Playoff Dog, Polish Hill Dog, Texas Rangers, The Beast, The Walk Off
Samuel Whittemore: The Most Badass Grumpy Old Person in American History
“Do not fuck with me.”
~Samuel Whittemore
So long as they don’t accidentally go vegetarian or something, all Americans turn into badass zero-fuck-giving machines once they reach a certain age. The whispers of mortality apparently change the American temperament as they get louder, turning our nation’s elderly into stubborn, fighting-off-bears, beating-up-a-robber-after-getting-shot-in-the-head badasses. This is not a recent quality only seen in the Greatest Generation, it’s engrained in our DNA. Trust us on this, if you think you’re kind of soft and weak currently, you should really do something about your self-esteem. But also, you should know that by the time you hit 80 you’re basically going to be a superhero.
That being said, no matter how badass you get in your old age, you still won’t have anything on Samuel Whittemore, the oldest known colonial combatant in the Revolutionary War. Trust us on this.
Samuel Whittemore: The Most Badass Grumpy Old Person in American History
Posted in American Heroes, Fighters
Tagged America, American Revolution, Revolutionary War, Samuel Whittemore, Whittemore
America Fun Fact of the Day 
