Category Archives: Miscellaneous America

Do you want to know about America’s craziest patents? How about our worst reality TV shows? Are you curious about competitive beard growing? Do you wonder what that weird boil looking thing on your back is? We can tell you about all of those things (except the last one) and much much more in our Miscellaneous America section.

Matthew McConaughey is a Bad Dog Dad: An Important Exposé

“We could do tacos…we could do thai…Oo, how about sushi?”

~Matthew McConaughey to TWO GODDAMN DOGS

mcchey 1

This year, Matthew McConaughey continued his confusing commercial work with the Lincoln Motor Company, because he was in that one Lincoln lawyer movie, A Time to Kill.

For those of you who have not seen a McConaughey Lincoln commercial, who are you and what pleasure do you get lying to websites on the internet? The the rest of (all of) you who know what we’re talking about, we’ll still run down the basics.

McConaughey drives a Lincoln. Soft music plays. He’s saying something that sounds folksy but really isn’t (“I used to drive this kind of car and now I get paid to drive this kind of car”) and then he gives the camera a sly look through the rear view mirror that’s all, “Ha ha, I got my statue I can do whatever the fuck I want.”

America has stood behind that. Nay, America has united behind that.

But then McConaughey had to go ahead and film a commercial that proves that he is a terrible Dog Dad, and his dogs must be taken away from him before he causes them irreversible harm.

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The Dole Air Race: Crash and Burn, Repeat

“*crashes and dies horribly*”

~The average airplane pilot in the 1920s

crashed plane

On the grand scale of human endeavors, we as a species have only recently mastered the art of flight. We’ve been able to stay in the air in a contraption of our own design for only a little over 100 years at this point, and we’re still trying to work out the kinks (consider- Spirit Airlines).

But in the early days of flight, we really had no clue what the hell we were doing.  Like, at all.  Flying was something done by a very select group of crazy people with a death wish—listen, Amelia Earhart was a pioneer and an inspiration and blah blah blah, but it’s safe to say that part of her legacy comes from the fact that she partook in a profession that all but guaranteed that we’d never got to see what she looked like as an old lady.

The fact that Charles Lindbergh lived to be 72 is almost as shocking as the fact that he had a secret Nazi family.

The early days in aviation were filled with daring attempts to do something that had never been done before using planes that were made out of balsa wood, fabric, and a lot of praying. The ambition often exceeded the technology, and when we weren’t trying to milk sky cows, we were trying to fly to parts of the world that we had no right trying to fly to.

Which sets the scene for 1927, when James D. Dole, the “he actually was called this” Pineapple King, decided he would sponsor an air race from Oakland to Hawaii, a trip that had never been successfully flown before.

The Dole Air Race that followed would end up going down in history as one of America’s finest and most tragic moments of “What the fuck did you think would happen?” Just always remember- the reason you are alive today is that your great-grandparents did not try to fly airplanes in 1927.

The Dole Air Race:  Crash and Burn, Repeat

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The Most Terrifying Products Marketed For Lonely People

“OH GOD KILL IT WITH FIRE.”

~Single people

um wut

It can be rough out there for single Americans, to the point that you can pretty much will below-average R-rated comedies into existence just by giving it a name of “How to be Single.”

There are millions of Americans for whom the dating scene oscillates between shitty Tinder dates and long, depressing walks through parks that are impossibly filled with happy couples while “Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head” plays from an unseen speaker system that somehow seems to be following you everywhere you go (it’s actually being played through an iPhone of a kid that their ex paid to follow them around to torment them because their ex is a goddamn monster).

For many in this position, it seems like every product on the market other than two buck Chuck and Sharper Image neck massagers are happy-couple focused items that just rub your singledom in your face. Goddamn it, most couples don’t even want to buy a tandem bike, why are you putting out a full page ad for one in this week’s Maxim?

The point being, 50% of Americans are single, and those 50% are distributed between Americans in relationships, Americans who don’t want to settle down and want to “live the single life,” and Americans who feel, well, kind of lonely about their lack of a mate.

There’s also like, the five people who say they’re “single and ready to mingle” while doing that finger-guns thing, but there’s pending legislation going through the senate to ensure that those guys get their US citizenship removed.

But of those three groups of unmarried Americans, it’s, not surprisingly, the lonely people that can end up being a bit forgotten and left behind.  Sure, Buzzfeed is legally required to post a Liz-Lemon-gif-heavy article about “13 signs you’re an introvert” every month, but ever since Netflix got claimed by people using it to have sex, it’s hard for lonely people to find products and services that are really tailored for them.

Thankfully, entrepreneurs are starting to realize that there’s a huge untapped marketplace, filled with young, active Americans with gobs of disposable income not going towards Valentine’s Day gifts and wedding planning and *pauses and changes course once we notice that our single readers have begun sobbing*. Unfortunately, most of these entrepreneurs are goddamn psychopaths, and their cure for loneliness is nightmare fuel.

The Most Terrifying Products Marketed For Lonely People

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Hilariously Bad Comic Book TV Shows

“Burn it down.  Burn it all down.”

~Stan Lee

spider man

With the release of Batman v Superman: The Wrath of the Film Critic behind us, and America’s superhero movie craze either ramping up or slowly devouring itself from both ends, depending on who you ask, there’s been a lot of reflection of our comic book culture lately.

And those of you who have been to a movie theater since, oh, let’s say 1997 have probably noticed that, no matter what your opinion on the current state of comic book media is, comic books are pretty big right now.

Well, not the books themselves, the only people that read comics are still the same two friends of yours that have very strong opinions about Ben Reilly’s denim choices, but the stories and the characters and especially the heroes from comic books are impossible to avoid. Hell, Marvel tossed together a $60 million movie about an obscure antihero created in 1991 and filled it with swearing and Ryan Reynolds fighting in a burning building completely nude  and they still managed to crack $700 million worldwide.

And why’s that? Well, yes, the naked Ryan Reynolds does help a bit there, but mainly it’s that superhero movies are almost impossible to fuck up, unless you’re trying to convince people to care about the Fantastic Four.

We might forget, in all our Iron Man marathons and turning-on-subtitles-whenever-Bane-speaks-in-The-Dark-Knight-Rises nights, that this wasn’t always the case. Comic book adaptations were not the cash cows they are now, in fact they generally could be considered risky projects.

That especially applies to TV shows. While the current crop of Marvel and DC influenced television programs are pretty solid, especially with what Netflix is doing to Marvel characters we’ve either not heard of or tried to forget, the history of America trying to put superheroes on the airwaves has often been…well, let’s just say not so heroic. Let’s say bad.  Let’s say laughably bad.

Here are some bad TV shows.

Hilariously Bad Comic Book TV Shows

adam west is batman

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Project Horizon: The Time We Tried To Build A Military Base On The Moon

“A Realistic Objective.”

~An Actual Section of a 1959 Proposal To Establish A Permanent Moon Base by 1966.

project horizon

The Space Race was definitely one of the coolest and silliest parts of the entire Cold War. Two Superpowers were tossing around ungodly sums of money to try to make the other nation look stupid due to not being as good at making really cool toys, but it was dealt with an honest-to-God level of severity that equated “Russia going to the moon before we do” as being probably an inevitable lead up to complete nuclear annihilation.

Baby Boomers get a lot of (mostly deserved) flack for constantly complaining about how Millennials, and pretty much every younger generation, had it so much easier than they did and they take things for granted, but we’ll give them this—if we spent our entire childhoods with nuclear weapons literally pointed at our homes so often that we became this numb to the destruction of society, we’d probably feel it was within our rights to complain about how much people use smartphones now, too.

Anyway, when we talk about the existentially terrifying realities of the Cold War, the space race at least feels kind of innocent and, well, awesome. Sure, a lot of it has to do with the fact that we won (USA! USA!) but also because it was about science for the sake of invention, and not finding new, horrific ways to nuke each other into the stone age.

The two most powerful economies at the time spent decades funneling obscene amounts of money into discovering more about our universe, and even when that didn’t always end up as incredible achievements in space travel such as these bad boys, it still resulted in us exploring every planet of the galaxy while accidentally coming up with some useful technology that we use to this day like laptops, dustbusters, and whatever technologies are on the second page of the article we just linked (we were too lazy to get past the first page).

That is to say, the Space Race represented American (and, ugh, occasionally Russian) ingenuity and a passion for discovery that transcended the whole, “Holy shit, we as a species survived more than five years of Lyndon B. Johnson having the ability to nuke the entire planet” scariness of that era.

But the space race wasn’t all about peacefully sticking a middle finger in Communist Russia’s face by planting a flag on the moon and shouting, “FIRST!” We also had some sinister, if not very realistic, plans on using space for our military advantage. Like the time we tried to build a military base on the moon.

Project Horizon: The Time We Tried To Build A Military Base On The Moon

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The History of the Senior Professional Baseball Association

“Even to make love, you need experience.”

~Pedro Ramos, 54-year-old pitcher for the Senior Professional Baseball Association.  Seriously.

legends baseball

As a nation, we have more options for live sporting events than we know what to do with. Between high school, college, and professional levels of football, baseball, basketball, and sure, hockey, Americans could conceivably see a live sporting event every single day of the year without even having to consider lowering themselves to watch a Major League Soccer match.

But with so many games at our disposal, we’ve reached a bit of a saturation point, and trying to add another league to the market is practically impossible. Remember the XFL? A multi-millionaire tried to make a new football league, and even with a player named “He Hate Me” basically got laughed out of existence in less than a year.

It’s hard to start a sporting league now and really get enough interest to keep it in existence. Never was that more obvious than in 1989 when real-estate millionaire Jim Morley decided to start the Senior Professional Baseball Association.

What’s the SPBA, you ask?

Well, unfortunately for those of us that have to type it out, they didn’t call it that. It went by “The Senior League.”

But the Senior League was a short lived (it lasted one-and-a-half seasons) winter professional baseball league that took place entirely in Florida with players who had to be older than 35 (except the catchers, who could be 32).

And it is probably one of the most delightfully batshit leagues to have ever been played in these United States. So let’s go on a history lesson, shall we?

The History of the Senior Professional Baseball Association

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America’s Most Terrifying Sports Mascots

“KILL IT KILL IT WITH FIRE!  I mean, GO TEAM GO!”

~Sport Fans

louisville what

We as a nation love sports, because nothing is more American than watching people more physically fit then us compete against each other while we arbitrarily root for one over the other based on where we grew up, who we married, where we went to school, or what team seemed good because you are not going to subject yourself to a life of being a Cleveland Browns fan no matter how much it breaks your father’s heart.

But apparently watching grown men concuss each other into depression, or throw a ball every once and a while for three hours while you drink beer, isn’t enough entertainment for our attention craving minds, which is why American sports teams decided to bring mascots into the game.

Arguably the first sports mascot was this terrifying fucking bear from the 1908 Chicago Cubs, which probably ended up devouring the souls of everyone on the team and cursing them to never win another World Series, but since then mascots have spread across all sports (especially in college athletics) and run the gambit from cute to hilarious to stupid to actual live animals that poop on the field and everything.

There is another category for mascots, however. Fucking terrifying ones. Thankfully, modern mascot design technology has advanced a long way since we had that Louisville Cardinal mascot you see above that looks like someone killed a Muppet and started wearing its skin.

We can make just about anything into a mascot with moderate success. But sometimes, either in idea or execution, we end up with horror movie like monstrosities that are still paraded on the field week after week to urge on their team while the cheerleaders huddle in fear, sobbing, “From Hell, it’s from Hell.”

Here is a list of actual mascots that will give you nightmares tonight. We’re so sorry.

America’s Most Terrifying Sports Mascots

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5 Super Bowl Halftime Performances That Have Aged Horribly

“Oh thank God, now I can go to the bathroom.”

~Super Bowl viewers during the halftime show

black eyed peas super bowl

Hey! The Super Bowl is just a few days away! It’s the one time of the year where you absolutely know, unequivocally, that you’re going to be suffering at work the following Monday, and you know it’ll be absolutely worth it.

Super Bowl Sunday is a day filled with the beer and snacks and a statistically-probably-underwhelming football game, and it’s the closest to a live national spectacle as you can find in this fine nation.

Everyone watches the Super Bowl, everyone has stronger than necessary opinions about the importance or unimportance of Super Bowl commercials, and everyone wishes that the party they were at had 30 bathrooms once the Super Bowl Halftime show begins, because the only person who actually gives a shit about the Super Bowl Halftime show is your friend’s girlfriend that no one in your group of friends really likes, who is really into Katy Perry to the point that it’s kind of uncomfortable.

Otherwise, the Halftime Show is an extremely expensive spectacle that’s just a waste of fucking time. The phenomenon of people looking for something more interesting to watch during Halftime directly contributed to the existence of both the Puppy Bowl and a women-in-lingerie football league that still exists to this day.

However, the Halftime Show does serve as an interesting indicator of our nation’s culture. Like, in the mid 00’s we were terrified of breasts on live television, so we went with safe performances by old rockers in their 50s and 60s.

Last year, we were way into uncoordinated sharks, apparently. There are a lot of memorable Super Bowl Halftime performances. And there are also the Black Eyed Peas, but we managed to get drunk enough by halftime that year that we blissfully have no memory of it.

What we’re trying to say is that Super Bowl Halftime Shows are very much a product of their times. Sometimes that can prove to be ageless, like Michael Jackson destroying the Rose Bowl at the peak of his stardom. And sometimes…well, sometimes you get…

5 Super Bowl Halftime Performances That Have Aged Horribly

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America’s Largest Roadside Attractions in the World

“…Wait we drove all the way just for this?”

~Disappointed children everywhere

 largest cherry pie

America likes things big, and while normally that would be our cue to raise our eyebrows and euphemistically write out “laaaadies” we’re being serious.

Okay, well we’re not being serious at all, we’re just not making genital jokes.  We are, however, talking about America’s wonderful, adorably ridiculous obsession with having the world’s largest ____.  It doesn’t really matter what it is, hundreds of small towns, and even some not-so-small ones, like to find something on this planet that doesn’t exist in a comically large form, just so they can make the world’s largest version of that item and stick it prominently in their town for people taking road trip breaks to gawk at.

It’s a delightfully quaint bit of Americana that truly couldn’t occur in a lot of places outside of America—we have so much vast space that it’d just feel a little bit empty if it didn’t have a World’s Largest Paul Bunyan Statue here, or a World’s Largest Ball of Twine there.  What other country could be willing and able to welcome that?

Europe might appreciate the charm, but they’re far crowded and cramped together. China’s too busy trying to buy all our currency in a desperate but ultimately futile attempt to continue their economic growth indefinitely. That last sentence was way too heady for an article about silly large version of everyday items, so for our third example we will just say that Russians are too cold and drunk to try to top us in the field of making giant yo-yos.

We want to embrace America in all of its quirks, which is why our newest feature on this site will present, for you…

America’s Largest Roadside Attractions in the World

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AFFotD Website Review: NBC.com.co

“Oh, wait.  That’s the joke?  They’re just making shit up?  That’s stupid.  That’s so fucking stupid.”

~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief Johnny Roosevelt upon reading an nbc.com.co article

satire

Listen, America.  We’re going to have to sit down and have a little chat. In a world where thousands of people constantly assume that The Onion is real, it’s really important that we know what we’re doing when we’re trying to bring satire into people’s lives.  So while it’s hilarious for us to see someone stumble across a satirical article and go into a mouth-foaming rage about, say, 22,000 Polar Bears having to live on the Earth’s one remaining iceberg, there are a lot of lazy writers out there that see your standard Clickholes or Borowitz Report and think, “Hey I can do that!  All I have to do is make up fake stories, right?”

Obviously, there’s much more to satire than just making up stories, and there’s definitely much more to satire than making up stories with the express hope that people actually think it’s real.  It’s like when that asshole acquaintance of yours on Facebook posts an article about Firefly getting rebooted, only to take you to a “YOU GOT PRANKED!” page right after you clicked the link (and shortly before you unfriended said acquaintance on Facebook).  There’s nothing particularly clever about that, and there’s definitely nothing satirical going on.  It’s just stupid.

We recently saw one of these stupid websites in an article titled “Yelp Sues South Park For $10 Million Over Latest Episode.”  Now, that seemed possibly a bit far-fetched, but we clicked the link because we saw it was NBC.  “Huh, wait, so this is posted on the NBC website?  That seems…huh.”  As we read it, increasingly thinking, “Wait…this can’t be a real story” we finally noticed that the website wasn’t nbc.com.  It was nbc.com.co.  Because the internet is fucking stupid.  And we are here to review it.

AFFotD Website Review:  NBC.com.co

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