“KILL IT KILL IT WITH FIRE! I mean, GO TEAM GO!”
We as a nation love sports, because nothing is more American than watching people more physically fit then us compete against each other while we arbitrarily root for one over the other based on where we grew up, who we married, where we went to school, or what team seemed good because you are not going to subject yourself to a life of being a Cleveland Browns fan no matter how much it breaks your father’s heart.
But apparently watching grown men concuss each other into depression, or throw a ball every once and a while for three hours while you drink beer, isn’t enough entertainment for our attention craving minds, which is why American sports teams decided to bring mascots into the game.
Arguably the first sports mascot was this terrifying fucking bear from the 1908 Chicago Cubs, which probably ended up devouring the souls of everyone on the team and cursing them to never win another World Series, but since then mascots have spread across all sports (especially in college athletics) and run the gambit from cute to hilarious to stupid to actual live animals that poop on the field and everything.
There is another category for mascots, however. Fucking terrifying ones. Thankfully, modern mascot design technology has advanced a long way since we had that Louisville Cardinal mascot you see above that looks like someone killed a Muppet and started wearing its skin.
We can make just about anything into a mascot with moderate success. But sometimes, either in idea or execution, we end up with horror movie like monstrosities that are still paraded on the field week after week to urge on their team while the cheerleaders huddle in fear, sobbing, “From Hell, it’s from Hell.”
Here is a list of actual mascots that will give you nightmares tonight. We’re so sorry.