Category Archives: England

Like the diminished parent of an emancipated teen, England occasionally earns our ire, respect, or appreciation, but usually an emotionally complicated mix of the three. They might have drowned in beer once, but we’re still not going to broil the flavor out of all of our food, Limeys.

Wherein AFFotD Addresses the Concerns of Foreign Nations Regarding American Cuisine, Ultimately Deciding That These Foreigners Are Mistaken in Their Foolish Views

“That’s not stupid, YOU’RE stupid.”

~AFFotD Food Critic, John Goodman

We are willing to cede that America isn’t responsible for all of the delicious food available to us, but since we’re stubborn (because, you know, America) we will add the caveat that every delicious food made by other countries has invariably been improved by American tinkering.  Yes, Italy gave us pasta, but we gave them fried ravioli.  China gave us Chinese food, but we removed the dog from it.  French food can go to hell.  You hear us, France?  YOUR FOOD CAN GO TO HELL!

Yet, despite the ability of many countries to make food that is deemed acceptable for American consumption (except for England.  Good God, you Limeys, try inventing a food dish not centered around animal intestines) there are foods out there that are thoroughly terrifying and disgusting.  We’re talking food like ant eggs, boiled sheep head, and tofurkeyGross.

That’s when we noticed an article by the Houston Press, which tried to posit that since some people don’t run away shrieking when you offer them a plate full of boiled silkworm pupae, then clearly American foods must be strange to other people.  We’ll say that again.  They are saying that American food is weird.

You know what this means, America.  Set your phasers to rage, we’re going through this list one by one.

15 Foods That Are NOT Weird

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Good Job By You! The 10 Most Pro-American Nations

“Don’t worry America, WE still love you.”

~America’s Mother

We’re gonna get real for a second here.  A lot of countries?  For some reason or another, they’re not particularly fond of us.  We know, it’s surprising to us as well.  But just like some people dislike ice cream, or consider themselves asexual, some other countries just don’t like us.  It’s strange, don’t ask us to try to explain it.  But while we’re known to foster a lot of negativity on this site, or at the very least come up with hurtful names for people we don’t like, every once and a while we like to cut back on the bile and applaud non-American locations for, well, putting up with us.

So when we saw an AskMen article listing the top 10 America loving countries, we figured, eh, why not write a Fun Fact applauding those countries.  And if the judge asks, this totally counts as our community service, and it totally took us 40 hours to write it.

Good Job By You!  The 10 Most Pro-American Nations

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London Drowns in Beer

“And they say that, in their most dire moment, a chosen one will spurn his British curse, and become, spiritually, a true American.”

~The prophecy

America Fun Fact of the Day likes to keep things, you know, local.  Much like George Washington was a staunch isolationist, we don’t give a shit about what goes on outside of America.  Oh what’s that, Greece is poor?  Tough shit, sell the Parthenon or something.  Not our debt, not our problem.  We don’t even know what a European Union is, but if you put us on the spot we’d say…Soccer team?  British Iron Workers?  Again, we don’t know, we don’t care.

But, despite our extreme disinterest in other nations, we do understand that being American is more than just a geographical concept.  Hell, some of the least American people in the world were born and raised in America.  So, is it possible that there are American souls trapped in bodies that were born in un-American nations?  While this may go down as one of the most surprising statements you’ll hear from America’s proudest batch of Xenophobes, yes.  Yes it is possible.  Sometimes it just tales of incredible feats to us to realize that.

We’re talking about British people drowning in beer.

Or as the British call it, “Gobbling the Hozzywaller in the Fainterphone.”  Probably.  GOD that place is a mess.

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Wherein AFFotD Defends American Speech Patterns From The Radical And Problematic Views Of The Foolish British

“I don’t even care, you guys.  They’re not even people.  They’re just…British.”

~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief, Johnny Roosevelt

Much like a stubborn teenager who grew up to be far more successful and powerful than their father, America has a complicated relationship with England.  We ran away from home, they burned down our President’s House, we made them feel embarrassed by being so American and awesome, but we still keep in touch sometimes and we like to say that we’re still pretty close friends even though we only see each other a few times a year.

So it always saddens us when we hear British people foolishly try to tell us we’re doing shit wrong.  It doesn’t happen often, because after we remind them that we saved their asses in doubleyou doubleyou two, they fucking owe us, but they still sometimes let criticisms squeak through.

Like this BBC article listing off the 50 “worst” “Americanisms.”  Pssh, way to be oxymoronic, douchebags.  In their classic attempt to write an article without writing an article, these dentist’s nightmares decided to have their readers mail in their least favorite “Americanisms,” as long with an explanation of why they’re bothered by it.

Let’s go through the list and tell them why they’re wrong wrong wrong.  Goddamn limeys.

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The Royal Wedding Was So Blah Blah We Don’t Care

“Oh La de da I’m getting married and shit.”

~The king or whatever

So apparently when British people get married, it’s a big deal.  Some of you might be saying, “Oh, no, it’s not that, it’s a royal wedding” as if that’s supposed to make sense to us Americans.  We only know of two people who go by “The King.”  Elvis is long dead, and we didn’t hold a nationwide pageant for when Lebron James knocked up his girlfriend, so why is America so riveted by a balding man who is about 7 years removed from being considered a sex symbol getting married to an 8.  Granted, an American 8 is the equivalent of a British 10, but you don’t see us waking up early to watch that wedding happen live.

“Oh but she looks so glamorous and” yeah yeah we get it we don’t care.

But apparently, it’s a pretty big deal right now, to the point that there are already articles about the goddamn diet that they think Kate Middleton used to lose weight for the wedding.  So whatever, it’s what people want to hear about, so here you go.

AFFotD’s Half-Assed Guide to Some Wedding Between Two Rich Foreign People From a Country That Wears Silly Shit

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Michael Malloy, Super-Hobo

“Why won’t he die?  WHY WON’T HE DIE!?”

~The Murder Trust, 1933

It’s a shocking truth that, some great Americans?  Were not born in America.  Hell, Bob Hope, the man who made it a life passion to entertain American troops, was born in England.  We’re not elitists, we’re Americans, and we recognize that this is a melting pot, and that if you truly embrace what it means to be an American, it doesn’t matter where you were born.  Such is the case of the most glorious homeless man in the history of America, Michael Malloy.

Who was Michael Malloy, you may ask?  Only an Irish-American who was as impossible to kill as Rasputin, if Rasputin knew how to hold his liquor.  Born in Ireland, Malloy once worked as a Fireman before coming to America and inventing crippling alcoholism.  He died in 1933 at the age of 60, after a series of failed murder attempts at the hands of The Murder Trust.  While the death of a great, booze guzzling hero is always a tragedy, if you’re gonna go down, you might as well go down at the hands of a group as awesomely named as “The Murder Trust.”  The only way Michael Malloy’s obituary could have read any more awesome is if his cause of death had been listed as “advanced age and sexual encounters with twelve women in one night.”

Especially if he was dressed as a Stormtrooper, but ESPECIALLY if he was dressed as a Stormtrooper.

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