Tag Archives: America

SPAM: Fulfilling Your Daily Value of Sodium since 1937

Posted on March 27, 2012 | 12 comments

“Spammmmmm”

~Monty Python

Humanity’s desire to over-season their food directly led to the discover of America.  So it seems only fitting that Americans everywhere make it a point to inject their foods with enough sodium to make their cardiologists say, “Please, just…stop.”  And when people think of questionable foods that only get their appeal by being the nutritional equivalent of a salt lick, we of course think to the classic American food product and scrambled-eggs-improver, SPAM.

So let’s focus less on the sizzle and more on the chopped pork shoulder meat steak with this American salute to…

SPAM:  Fulfilling Your Daily Value of Sodium since 1937

 

And “Crazy Tasty” for that brief period in the 1990’s where you could get away with saying “Crazy Tasty.”

Continue reading →

12 Comments

Posted in America's Best Foods

Tagged , , ,

China Has Successfully Made the World’s Worst Reality Show

Posted on March 22, 2012 | 1 comment

“You’re crazy, China.  You, you’re crazy.”

~AFFotD tranquilizer expert, Will Ferrell

Most people criticize American television, which is fair.  Once American television producers figured out that you could save money by sticking someone on an island, or asking who knows how to sing, or finding the right combination of failed models with daddy issues willing to have sex with a near-stranger in a hot tub, it became that much harder to survive as a well-written work of entertainment, leaving us watching fat Americans try to lose weight for reasons we can’t quite comprehend.

But as much as you might want to complain about the state of American television, just take solace in knowing that we are still far better than China, because we don’t have 40 million people viewing in to watch people being interviewed right before the government kills them.

Seriously, what the fuck, China?

China Has Successfully Made the World’s Worst Reality Show

Continue reading →

1 Comment

Posted in China

Tagged , ,

Oreos: Encouraging Children to Play With Their Food Since 1912

Posted on March 20, 2012 | 1 comment

“What’s the deal with Oreos?  More like WHORE-eos, amiright?  This guy knows what I’m talking about!”

~Booo, you suck, get off the stage!

Recently, an American desert institution celebrated 100 years of tricking kids into drinking milk while making it easier for The Mighty Ducks to throw around racial jokes that have aged pretty poorly.  Yes, soggy Oreos have been shoved down eager American gullets and made here in the grand U S of A since 1912.  And what better way to celebrate this centennial with a good old fashioned fun fact about everyone’s cookie product (behind Girl Scout Cookie Thin Mints and Samoas ), the Oreo.

Oreos: Encouraging Children to Play With Their Food Since 1912

Continue reading →

1 Comment

Posted in America's Best Foods

Tagged , , , , ,

Alvin C. York: The Rambo of World War I

Posted on March 13, 2012 | Leave a comment

“Okay, you got me, I might not be 100% on the definition of ‘pacifist.’”

~Alvin York

If there’s one thing to learn from the respective budgets and box office grosses of Terminator compared to Terminator 2: Judgment Day, it’s that sometimes the sequel is going to get more press than the original.  Such was the case with the World Wars.  While World War I was a massively horrific war, with over 15 million deaths, it tends to get overshadowed by World War II (which killed off 2.5% of the freaking world’s population).  So when we hear war stories, there tends to be a focus on the “Teddy Roosevelt’s son storming Normandy” and less on the “holy shit there were battles in World War I with nearly two million casualties” side of things.

But while World War II made for more daring tales of American badassery, we wouldn’t be doing our nation’s history justice without mentioning one of the arguably most famous American veterans of World War I.  That would be Alvin C. York, the former (boo) alcoholic (yay!) Sergeant who ended up being one of the most decorated American soldiers in the whole war.  Because while he considered himself a man of peace, as you can clearly tell, his moustache alone could clear an enemy machine gun nest.

That’s why we’re here to salute…

Alvin C. York:  The Rambo of World War

Boom.  Ladies, if you just stared into the eyes of this picture, you are now six months pregnant. 

Continue reading →

Leave a comment

Posted in Fighters

Tagged , , , , ,

Space Food in America

Posted on March 8, 2012 | 1 comment

“I will punch you in the goddamn face if you besmirch Astronaut Ice Cream.”

~Buzz Aldrin

While Russia may have been the first country to stick their dirty, probably frostbitten, grubby little fingers into the great pool of outer space, but America was the country that blindly cannonballed in there as we made it our bitch.  Take that, comrades, how’s never going to the moon feel?  Pretty shitty, huh?

While we might only now be finally catching up to the American dream of drinking a beer in space, we realized pretty early on in the game that it was important for us to feed our astronauts.  So, of course, Americans have spent decades researching and determining what a select few can eat when they are floating in a tin can far above the world.  Yes, this mental energy could have been spent on trivial things like “curing cancer” or “inventing a mayonnaise that won’t make bread soggy if it’s stored overnight” but, nope, we had to feed 500 people over a 50 year period.  Damn straight we did!  Astronauts get swag, you should know this by now.  That’s why we’re here to present…

The American History of Space Food

  Continue reading →

1 Comment

Posted in Strange Foods

Tagged , , , ,

The Most American Restaurants of: CHICAGO

Posted on March 6, 2012 | Leave a comment

“Second city?  More like fifth coronary, amiright?”

~AFFotD Food Critic, John Goodman

America loves to eat.  That shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone.  When you live in a country that has 14,000 McDonalds, 7,500 Pizza Huts, and 6,500 Dunkin’ Donuts, you know that you have a pretty large population of people who live to stuff their faces.  But while fast food chains are appropriately American, getting you unhealthy food quick enough that you can fat fat fatty FAT, it is truly the local American restaurants that are able to really embrace American culinary ideals.  Because sure, if Hardees wants to make a burger with twice your daily allotment of fat in it, people are going to flip their shit, but if someone has a heart attack in the midst of eating a 6,000 calorie burger, it’s fucking awesome (unless that man’s family is reading this, in which case we salute him for going down like a fucking boss).

That’s why we here at AFFotD are starting our latest American feature—the most American restaurants of major American cities.

So when we think of cities that thrive on unhealthy food and have so little shame that we’re pretty sure veganism is a considered a misdemeanor by its police force, we think of the one city that we’d like to start this segment out with.

The city of fat asses broad shoulders… Chicago, Illinois.

The Most American Restaurants of:  CHICAGO

Continue reading →

Leave a comment

Posted in America's Best Foods

Tagged , , , , , , , , ,

Jay Leone: 90-Year-Old Gunfighter/Badass

Posted on March 2, 2012 | 2 comments

“Fuck you, you son of a bitch, now it’s my turn.”

~Jay Leone, 90-year-old American (seriously)

When people ask our staff what we’re going to be when we hit 90,  before we get a chance to say anything they answer for us by saying, “celebrating the 30th anniversary of our fatal liver failure.”  Ha.  Zing.  Our lifestyle is not particularly sustainable.

But even the most genetically superior Americans amongst our staff would have to admit that we’d have nothing on Greenbrae, California resident and former Sheriff’s deputy, Jay Leone.  That’s why we’re here with another AFFotD News Item of the Month, to tell you the story of…

Jay Leone: 90-year-old gunfighter/badass

Continue reading →

2 Comments

Posted in The Best of the Rest

Tagged , , ,

Manly, Iowa Is a Gloriously Named American City

Posted on February 27, 2012 | 12 comments

“How is this city not the most well-known city in America?  Its name is GLORIOUS!”

~U.S. Census Bureau

America is a land filled with hundreds of thousands of cities and towns.  But just because naming a location is one of the easiest ways to establish yourself as badass, for every Climax, Michigan there’s 49 separate Greenvilles.  Seriously, if you don’t live in a state that ends with “awaii” you live in a state that has a Greenville.  Congratulations America, Greenville is about as unique in America as suburban summer festivals headlined by middle aged cover bands.

But when America finds a solid town name, they really go for it.  And while we’ve previously given you a glimpse into the state of Iowa through employee travels, we’ve yet to touch upon the best named city in the entire state.

Manly, Iowa.

That’s right, this little town of 1,342 is going to get the Fun Fact treatment, because fuck it, why not?

Manly, Iowa Is a Gloriously Named American City

Continue reading →

12 Comments

Posted in Miscellaneous America

Tagged , , , , ,

AFFotD’s Official Guide for an Appropriately Insane American Weekend

Posted on February 24, 2012 | 1 comment

“It’s Friday, Friday, Heroin between my toes.”

~Rebecca Black

America loves the weekend in the same way that an alcoholic loves unemployment- when you do it right, sure, you might be hurting down the road, but it’s still the best situation you can imagine yourself in at any given time.  The weekend is a magical time where you can throw caution in the wind, cut loose, and (internally) laugh at people stuck working in the service industry.  In a study by AFFotD researchers (you can usually spot them by their long, white beards being in such stark contrast to their American flag leather jackets) we found that 95% of all alcohol related puking is a direct result of the weekend (the other 5% is attributed to sadness.  Just so much sadness.)

Unfortunately, many Americans don’t know how to properly celebrate the weekend, simply stumbling around asking stupid questions like, “Should I have a beer?” or getting punched by AFFotD staffers after they say, “Well I should get to bed fairly early, those estate sales aren’t going to find themselves!”  That’s why we’re here to tell you how to be irresponsible American in the most effective way possible.

Stand back, and prepare for the knowledge bomb.

AFFotD’s Official Guide for an Appropriately Insane American Weekend

Continue reading →

1 Comment

Posted in Drunk People

Tagged , , , , , , , ,

WHAT THE HELL!? America’s Top 10 Selling Beers (Are Awful)

Posted on February 21, 2012 | 25 comments

“Eh, just put some rice water in it and say it enhances the flavor.”

~Budweiser

 

Beer is a lot like sex.  When it’s good, it’s really good.  And when it’s bad, you’re probably going to wake up the next day feeling empty, unsatisfied, and with an inexplicable headache.  But no matter how good or bad it is, America just keeps coming back for more.  And if this metaphor were to really hold its own weight, we’d have to hope that Americans in general prefer good beer, then.  Because who wants bad beer?  Date rapists?  The French?  Spuds McKenzie?

Nope, turns out fucking everyone prefers drinking shitty beer.  How else can you explain this blog post that lists the 10 top selling beers in America?  These beers are collectively so bad and un-American that we almost didn’t spot the egregious omission of Samuel Adams from the list.  We’re not saying Sam Adams is the best beer in America, far from it, but if you have an ambitious brewery that’s named after Sam fucking Adams, and it’s not in the top 10 of market share, someone fucked up (we’re looking at you, majority of beer drinkers).

Of course, when we at AFFotD feel the need to correct such misconceptions about the America’s fine assortment of fermented malts and hops, we do so with the calm, delicate prose that sets aside emotional responses, and instead delves into the topic with tact and understanding.  That’s why we present you…

WHAT THE HELL!?  America’s Top 10 Selling Beers (Are Awful)

Continue reading →

25 Comments

Posted in Beer!

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , ,