America Fun Fact of the Day

Tagged ALDI, America, Germany, Millville, Trader Joe's

America Fun Fact of the Day August 21st- August 21st in American History

Posted on August 21, 2011 | Leave a comment

“Hungover. Today in history. We’ve done this before.”

~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief, Johnny Roosevelt

One of our writers today was driving on the highway. He was going about 80 in a 55, because, you know, America. The next thing he knows, there’s this BMW that starts speeding up on his ass. It practically drove him off the rode. As the car sped off in the distance, he saw the asshole’s license plate- it was a vanity plate (of course) that simply said… “MANLY.”

That makes us all so very happy. Anyway, here’s…

Today’s Date in American History (American Edition)

Tagged America, Today in American History

America Fun Fact of the Day 8/20- Saturday Image of the Week

Posted on August 20, 2011 | Leave a comment

“Hey, that reporter looks like….ohhhhhh.”

~You

Americans have a broad sense of humor. We can appreciate
a fart joke just as much as a Woody Allen movie.

What we’re trying to say is that we find this screen shot to be absolutely hilarious.

Have a great weekend everybody.

Tagged America, Saturday Image of the Week

There’s No Particular Reason Why We Know So Much About Delirium Tremens

Posted on August 19, 2011 | 1 comment

“How do you know what that is? Do you have a drinking problem?”

~Don’t judge me, OKAY!?

As Americans, it’s of utmost importance to know thine enemy. It’s why vegetarian groups have government lobbyists, why sports coaches watch game tape, and why we have soldiers who speak Arabic. If something is going to take you down, you want to stare it straight in the eyes and say, “I know what you’re doing, motherfucker.”

If Amy Winehouse’s death taught us anything, it’s that alcohol is the only thing standing between you and the spindly grasp of the grim reaper. It also helped show us what the most dangerous menace to American life is. That’s right, we’re talking about Delirium Tremens, which is the result of severe alcohol withdrawal that is 35% fatal if untreated. It also has caused many uncomfortable family dinners for AFFotD staff members who like to make snide remarks while cracking open the first beer of the night, and who subsequently have to explain what they mean when they say they’re “warding off the DTs.”

It also happens to be the name of a beer that is 9% alcohol per volume. Which uses a pink elephant as a mascot, which in no way is a reference to the fact that a symptom of DTing is hallucinations.

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Posted in Booze Facts

AFFotD’s 1955 Guide to Parenting*

Posted on August 18, 2011 | 3 comments

“I see nothing wrong with this picture.”

~American parent in the 1950’s

The greatest generation was also the generation of the worst parents. Children born in the 1950’s had to dodge carcinogens, tetanus, and medically-caused birth defects like it was their job. Granted, it’s not the fault of the parents, it was more a sign of the times. Having some cigarettes and booze while pregnant was just a good way to calm the nerves, and so what if Lawn Darts can be used as a weapon, it’s called survival of the fittest. Darwin, motherfuckers. In the 50’s, parents didn’t spend their time drinking while their children took turns playing “inhale the asbestos fibers” because it was fun, they did it because alcohol is delicious, and that entire generation spent most of their time offsetting the effects of Delirium Tremens.

And really, childrearing in America during this time was naïve, but innocent. And of course, America Fun Fact of the Day was there. Yes, while we’ve been in existence as AFFotD since the 1970’s, we were still putting out information back in the 1950’s as a bi-weekly informational brochure called “The Informative American.” Looking through our archives, it wasn’t hard to dig up one of our classic guides to parenting from back in 1955.

Being a parent in the 1950’s didn’t mean you’d expressly go out of your way to make life dangerous for your children. The rest of the world did that job for you, and you’re never going to be able to out-terrible-parent this woman who used her children in a knife throwing act. But, in our 1955 guide, we were able to highlight just exactly was expected the 1950’s American parent!

So, for a refreshing take as to the mindset of America 55 years ago, we present…

AFFotD’s 1955 Guide to Parenting*

*Following this advice today will lead to your arrest. AFFotD is in no way responsible for any injuries as a result of the information in this article.

The look on that baby’s face says “holy shit, I almost drowned just now.”

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Posted in The Informative American

Tagged AFFotD in the past, Alcohol, America, cigarettes, The Informative American

Wherein AFFotD Admonishes Enterprising Americans For Their Incomplete Expressions of American Zeal

Posted on August 17, 2011 | Leave a comment

“While we appreciate your zeal, and your heart is in the right place, why don’t you stand back and leave this to the professionals.”

~Official AFFotD Press Release

The best thing about America is that most people understand and appreciate it. So, while certain douchebags who we have declared blog-war against might hate America, most sensible and sane individuals love America, and why wouldn’t they? America is a country where you can eat ice cream at the same time as you drive an SUV. That’s fucking beautiful. So, we can understand that people may share are similar level of fervent American love, but every once and a while we have to serve as officers of American public opinion and rein back the American ramblings of publications that are not our own.

That’s why we have to comment on a facebook group that has been dormant for the past several years, and will soon be reformatted by facebook. We posted a screen shot of it here so you could see their views on America before it got changed, but below you will find a non-AFFotD sanctioned list of the most American things in America.

Right off the bat, we have to say that we appreciate what these kids are trying to do here. But you can’t go from novice to expert on American things without years of practice and rigorous drinking training, and from the looks of this list those responsible for this group haven’t even worn through their training liver yet.

For example, at the top of the list is a series of “Untouchables” that range from “yeah I guess” to “eh, whatever.” We all love Rock, Paper, Scissors, but if you dare tell us that you find that more American than Steak or C. Dale Petersen you’re full of shit. And lying to restaurants to get free shit on your birthday? That’s pretty American, but most of the time you just end up with a slice of cake with a candle in it, come back to us when they start giving out free bourbon for your birthday. And sure, Guitar Hero is fun to play, but it’s not like it’s as American as The Oregon Trail.

In going through the list, there are a series of suggested American items that we endorse, those that were not well thought out, and those which are flat out wrong. We will go through each of the three categories, but will also make sure to save the positive ones for last, because goddamn it we do like to end on a high note.

AMERICAN ACTIVITIES THAT DO NOT BELONG ON THIS AMERICAN LIST

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Tagged America, American List, Best Things About America, BLOG WAR!

How Americans Can Con a John: An American Guide to Grifting

Posted on August 16, 2011 | 3 comments

“Boy that’s a right nice dog yer got there.”

~A not-honest-John

We once accidentally stumbled onto a track by a British (ugh) group called “The Streets” which was called, “Never Con an Honest John.” The entire song was step-by-step directions on how to grift someone using a dog from the kennel and convincing a stranger to assume the dog is worth several thousand dollars before tricking him into trying to buy it from you. That’s because British people suck, and centering your scam around a dog is no way to go through life, England. God.

That scam is called the Pedigree Dog, and it basically hinges on whether or not the bartender or store owner you leave the dog with is greedy. You have the victim watch a stray dog you bring in on a leash, and have another con artist come in and claim to be a dog breeder willing to pay top dollar for the dog. The victim greedily tries to buy the dog from you for less than the expert will pay, and the expert never comes back, leaving you with cash, and him stuck with a dog.

This is a fairly obvious example of a Con Job. Like the great American film The Sting, swindling gullible and greedy people for money is a classic American institution. While it seems unrealistic that someone would fall for this particular Con (some Con Men prefer to use a violin for this scam instead of, you know, a living goddamn creature), they absolutely do.

And we support the hell out of it.

And here’s to you, Mrs. Robbing-son

The term “Con Man” is short for “Confidence Man” because they have to gain the confidence of their mark, or target, in order to succeed. And while we think that the Pedigree Dog is not that good of a con, and hate that we found out about it through the British, we do agree with the sentiment that you should never con an honest John, and therefore feel it is the duty of every American to know how to take advantage of those greedy-yet-naïve pillars of our society. That’s why we are here with…

AFFotD’s Official Guide to Grifting, Conning, and Swindling

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Posted in Strange America

Tagged America, Con Games, conning, embarassing check, Glim-Dropper, grifting, Pedigree Dog, Pig in a Poke, Ponzi Scheme, swindling, The Badger Game, The False Good Samaritan, The Pigeon Drop, The Spanish Prisoner, Three Card Monti

America Fun Fact of the Day 8/14- August 14th in American History

Posted on August 14, 2011 | Leave a comment

“Sunday, Sunday, Sunday! Hangover, hangover, hangover!”

~Demolition Derby Announcers

America Fun Fact of the Day is nothing but predictable. We’ll talk about British people looting, and we’ll talk about brew masters pissing in glasses. But one area where we’re predictable as shit is that you know on Saturdays you’re going to get an image of the week, and Sundays you know you’re gonna get a recap of what happened on that particular day in history. You know this is going to happen. And if this too “meta” for you, well, fucking deal. Fucking. Deal.

Anyway, back to our tradition of posting hungover as shit and telling you what happened during…

Today’s American Day in American History

Tagged America, Goose Island, Looting, Riots, Today in American History

America Fun Fact of the Day 8/13- Saturday Image of the Week

Posted on August 13, 2011 | Leave a comment

“TEDDY ROOSEVELT! BIGFOOT! TWO MEN ENTER! ONE MAN LEAVES! THUNDERDOMEEEEE!”

~The non-Australian version of Mad Max

America loves epic battles. Ali versus Frazier. Ali versus Foreman. Some other epic battles that don’t involve Ali. What we’re trying to say is that America loves badass fights. And it’s Saturday, so you know that means you’re due an image of the week. And yes, your assumption that today’s image will be a badass fight is totally correct.

Don’t say we’ve never done anything for you, America. Here’s Teddy Roosevelt shooting up the motherfucking Bigfoot.

AGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!merica.

Have a good weekend everyone.

Posted in Roosevelt

Tagged America, Bigfoot, Saturday Image of the Week, Teddy Roosevelt

Bill Veeck Loved Midgets

Posted on August 11, 2011 | 3 comments

“Midget! Midget midget midget!”

~Bill Veeck

If there’s one complaint people have about baseball, it would be that it’s too straight laced. That is, if they have a complaint about baseball. That’s usually because baseball players only show a lot of effort for short periods of time before resting a while. It’s the only sport that has a bench that doesn’t require a bench, because honestly, when was the last time you saw a guy walk to the dugout and need to rest his legs?

Photo unrelated

But if there was one man out there that understood how to jazz up Baseball and take an American sport even more American by adding something crazy, it would be the great Bill Veeck, a man who saw a sport that could be stuffy and uninviting and decided to liven the hell out of it, likely saying, “We gotta do something to make this game more exciting. You know, something like a midget baseball player. Well, not a midget baseball player, but you get the idea, something like that.”

“Dammit, fine let’s just go with it.”

Yes, Bill Veeck was a unique brand of MLB baseball team owner. While some owners might have their team involved in messy divorce court proceedings, Veeck (“as in Wreck” as his autobiography so astutely put it) would do absurd promotion stunts (his ugly divorces very rarely involved the teams he owned). As the last Baseball owner who was not independently wealthy, Bill Veeck had everything a true American could ask for. A man who built himself from the ground up, lost a limb in the war, and caused a mass riot when he wanted to destroy as many Disco albums as possible. Veeck was a man too great for embellishment, though we once heard that he could life a car over his head with one hand while juggling midgets with the other. But only 3 midgets. Like we said, we’re not going to embellish any of this.

So here’s the tale of the man with one leg and a love of midgets.