England’s Hot Dog Stuff Pizza: Would You Like a Side of Nitrates With That?

Posted on April 12, 2012 | 3 comments

“What…no.  How?”

~AFFotD Food Critic, John Goodman

Every so often our readers will alert us to something that deserves the attention of the average American.  This can be an article, a Wikipedia entry of some sort, or one time it was just a piece of parchment with the words “I love you Jodie” scribbled over and over in blood.  Seriously, John, get over it, she’s not even into dudes.

What we’re trying to say is, sometimes we’re given an article that says, in its headline, everything we would be able to say on the topic.  But does that stop us from going ahead and writing on that topic anyway?  No, of course not, this is America, to us redundancy is just a word that we don’t understand because it has more than three syllables in it (is it, like, a type of cheese?)

The article in question comes from Gizmodo, and states succinctly, “I can’t believe this hot dog stuffed crust pizza isn’t American.”  We can’t either, Gizmodo.  But now we need to know everything that we could possible know about…

England’s Hot Dog Stuff Pizza:  Would You Like a Side of Nitrates With That?

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Posted in England, Pizza Pizza

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Wherein AFFotD Addresses the Concerns of Foreign Nations Regarding American Cuisine, Ultimately Deciding That These Foreigners Are Mistaken in Their Foolish Views

Posted on April 10, 2012 | 2 comments

“That’s not stupid, YOU’RE stupid.”

~AFFotD Food Critic, John Goodman

We are willing to cede that America isn’t responsible for all of the delicious food available to us, but since we’re stubborn (because, you know, America) we will add the caveat that every delicious food made by other countries has invariably been improved by American tinkering.  Yes, Italy gave us pasta, but we gave them fried ravioli.  China gave us Chinese food, but we removed the dog from it.  French food can go to hell.  You hear us, France?  YOUR FOOD CAN GO TO HELL!

Yet, despite the ability of many countries to make food that is deemed acceptable for American consumption (except for England.  Good God, you Limeys, try inventing a food dish not centered around animal intestines) there are foods out there that are thoroughly terrifying and disgusting.  We’re talking food like ant eggs, boiled sheep head, and tofurkey.  Gross.

That’s when we noticed an article by the Houston Press, which tried to posit that since some people don’t run away shrieking when you offer them a plate full of boiled silkworm pupae, then clearly American foods must be strange to other people.  We’ll say that again.  They are saying that American food is weird.

You know what this means, America.  Set your phasers to rage, we’re going through this list one by one.

15 Foods That Are NOT Weird

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Posted in China, England, France

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Goddamn It Japan, You’re Doing it Wrong: The Kit Kat Bar

Posted on April 5, 2012 | 23 comments

“Gimme a break, gimme a break, break me off a piece  of that… OH WHAT THE FUCK, JAPAN!?”

~America

Apart from the Chinese inventing fireworks and Arabs inventing all those boring “math” “innovations” like “the number 0,” America is responsible for inventing everything great that we have in the world.  The light bulb, the internet, the George Foreman Grill, all of these essential and life-changing products were conceived and birthed here in the U S of A.  Unfortunately, as soon as a product has been invented, anyone is free to tinker with it, and often in trying to improve an idea, they poison it.

Yes, we’re talking about Japan.

Specifically, it is Japan’s bastardization of American culinary treats that is both mind boggling, and terrifying.  It must be stopped.  So, we are beginning a new feature, discussing Japan’s terrifying alteration of American products, with…

Goddamn It Japan, You’re Doing it Wrong:  The Kit Kat Bar

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Posted in America's Greatest Fun Facts, Japan

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The American History of Breakfast Cereals

Posted on April 3, 2012 | Leave a comment

“I’m cuckoo for catchphrases!”

~American cereal executives

America doesn’t like to eat food that came from the ground.  The only use we have for grains is if we want something to rest the cheese and sauce of our pizza on, or if we want to burn it into a vapor and distill it into sweet, sweet alcohol.  Yet, despite our dislike of grains, America has found some of the most innovative uses for things such as wheat, corn, and barley.  No, we’re not talking about ethanol and alternative energies, get your head out of your ass, we’re talking about breakfast cereals.  Delicious, sugary, doused in milk cereal.

Cereal is the primary source of hyperactive children and “regular” adults, and it should come as no surprise that a product that can be described as “overly sugared pellet food” was invented in America.  That’s why we’re here to present…

The American History of Breakfast Cereals

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Best Korea Daily Information For Enjoyment, April 1!

Posted on April 1, 2012 | 1 comment

“The Great Eternal Leader has blessed this day with his many healthy orchards.”

~All who celebrate eternal blessed leader Kim Il-Sung shall sing his praises to the afterlife!

Greetings all who embrace Best Korea and fight to expel the imperialist oppression from nations whose false ideals once did shed sadness into the heart of Great Leader Kim Jong-Il, and continue to sadden Great Successor Kim Jong-un, who just on this day carried ten thousand pounds of strawberries from his personal orchard to ease the suffering of his citizens. As clouds parted and sunshine appeared, great jubilation came forth from these poor peasants, and the Song of remembrance for Great Leader Kim Jong-Il rang into to heavens, causing the sky to smile upon Best Korea and send Earthquakes to our oppressive neighbors to the south. The strawberries, planted by the very hand of the Great Successor himself, made all that consumed it vibrant, and Great Successor gave them all the finest clothing in Best Korea. Look to below and see the happy citizens!

Yes, today is a great day for living in Best Korea, where waters are plentiful and food contains little-to-no worms! As the South Korea imperialist puppet attends economic conferences, sharing hedonistic sex kisses with the Western imperialist dogs, the heavens shine upon Best Korea and all statues of Great Leader, Kim Jong-Il, who never let the Best Korean go hungry with his plentiful wisdom and wide fields of grains, and for whom our tears shed daily out of grief for Great Leader and not for our wretched family members who dared not shed tears in Great Leader’s memory! Our mighty armies will crush all oppressors!

“Tee hee, we laugh at the mighty losses our enemies will face against our invincible armies!”

On this glorious day, we will reward all true citizens of Best Korea with a story on what occurred mere hours ago, by the very ample, informed, and in no way powerless puppet Great Successor. On this day the weather in Best Korea is always sunny and 25 Celsius, while the Southern puppet nation only sees tsunamis and tornadoes for Great Successor, Great Leader and Exalted Eternal Leader do not smile upon its dark imperialistic rat-like ways. Great Successor awoke, and after shedding appropriate number of sincere tears for the memory of Great Leader, played 18 holes of golf, receiving eighteen holes in one for exalted glory! Light shone from his fingers and no child in Best Korea ever suffers from illness!

“Yes, you too have seen the exalted leader’s magnificence! I will now go to Great Korea assistance community of manual employment for possessing contraband, imperialist technologies! Glory to Best Korea and Great Leader!”

Great Successor then went to the shrine of the Eternal Leader, Kim Il-Sung, and from the ground grew bread for every Best Korean, and Great Successor Kim Jung-un did bring forth a shield of protection to repel the lies of the swinedog puppet South Korean lapdogs! All in the land, the Song of Kim Il-Sung resonated in the skies, and the rain that fell, and only the crops were wet, and all the garments of Best Korea stayed dry and in no way spoiled by famine or disease! Glory unto Eternal leader, who smiles at each launched missile that will someday crush the capitalistic oppressors!

“I am only saddened that I cannot die a thousand times over to destroy the Imperialist swine!”

Today the Great Successor will perform a million pushups to maintain his perfectly healthy weight and figure, and in doing so, the ground will receive his blessed weight and reward Best Korea with crops so that they will never suffer or desire to leave to China, and all Imperialist monuments will collapse under the weight of their own hypocrisy!

“Our thunderous applause shall be rewarded a thousand times over by the nurturing care of Great Leader, who shall give each citizen home and oxen!”

Now, as Great Successor has decreed, now we shall sing the song of Best Korea might! For Victory!

All of Best Korea will stand in line

Pleasure is Great Successor’s to give at all times!

Rally for Great Leader, for whom we cry,

Imperialist shall be slaughtered just like swine!

Lasting glory unto Korea Best!

Feasts for all of Great Successor’s people

Omnipotent Great Successor laughs at Southern puppet, feeble

Onwards to continue the Glory of nation’s rest

Lasting glory unto Korea Best!

So we shout, so everyone, can give all our love to Kim Jung-un!

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Posted in North Korea

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The History of the Kentucky Meat Shower

Posted on March 29, 2012 | 13 comments

“Haha, holy shit, I did not mean to do that.”

~God

The world is filled with mysterious events that often defy explanation.  As much as we crave order and reason, there are still occurrences out there that we can only guess the causes of.  The Bermuda Triangle, the last flight of Amelia Earhart, Angelina Jolie’s marriage to Billy Bob Thorton, all of these are riddles that may never provide us with an answer.  Sometimes, these mysteries are mundane or eerie.  And sometimes, there are mysteries that are so American we have no choice but to embrace them.

Like, for example, an event involving meat raining down from the sky.  When something like that happens in America, you know we at AFFotD are ready to spring into action and inform the living hell out of you all.  Really, there’s no stopping us from teaching you about…

The History of the Kentucky Meat Shower

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Posted in Fuck Nature, Strange America

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SPAM: Fulfilling Your Daily Value of Sodium since 1937

Posted on March 27, 2012 | 12 comments

“Spammmmmm”

~Monty Python

Humanity’s desire to over-season their food directly led to the discover of America.  So it seems only fitting that Americans everywhere make it a point to inject their foods with enough sodium to make their cardiologists say, “Please, just…stop.”  And when people think of questionable foods that only get their appeal by being the nutritional equivalent of a salt lick, we of course think to the classic American food product and scrambled-eggs-improver, SPAM.

So let’s focus less on the sizzle and more on the chopped pork shoulder meat steak with this American salute to…

SPAM:  Fulfilling Your Daily Value of Sodium since 1937

 

And “Crazy Tasty” for that brief period in the 1990’s where you could get away with saying “Crazy Tasty.”

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Posted in America's Best Foods

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China Has Successfully Made the World’s Worst Reality Show

Posted on March 22, 2012 | 1 comment

“You’re crazy, China.  You, you’re crazy.”

~AFFotD tranquilizer expert, Will Ferrell

Most people criticize American television, which is fair.  Once American television producers figured out that you could save money by sticking someone on an island, or asking who knows how to sing, or finding the right combination of failed models with daddy issues willing to have sex with a near-stranger in a hot tub, it became that much harder to survive as a well-written work of entertainment, leaving us watching fat Americans try to lose weight for reasons we can’t quite comprehend.

But as much as you might want to complain about the state of American television, just take solace in knowing that we are still far better than China, because we don’t have 40 million people viewing in to watch people being interviewed right before the government kills them.

Seriously, what the fuck, China?

China Has Successfully Made the World’s Worst Reality Show

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Oreos: Encouraging Children to Play With Their Food Since 1912

Posted on March 20, 2012 | 1 comment

“What’s the deal with Oreos?  More like WHORE-eos, amiright?  This guy knows what I’m talking about!”

~Booo, you suck, get off the stage!

Recently, an American desert institution celebrated 100 years of tricking kids into drinking milk while making it easier for The Mighty Ducks to throw around racial jokes that have aged pretty poorly.  Yes, soggy Oreos have been shoved down eager American gullets and made here in the grand U S of A since 1912.  And what better way to celebrate this centennial with a good old fashioned fun fact about everyone’s cookie product (behind Girl Scout Cookie Thin Mints and Samoas ), the Oreo.

Oreos: Encouraging Children to Play With Their Food Since 1912

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Alvin C. York: The Rambo of World War I

Posted on March 13, 2012 | Leave a comment

“Okay, you got me, I might not be 100% on the definition of ‘pacifist.’”

~Alvin York

If there’s one thing to learn from the respective budgets and box office grosses of Terminator compared to Terminator 2: Judgment Day, it’s that sometimes the sequel is going to get more press than the original.  Such was the case with the World Wars.  While World War I was a massively horrific war, with over 15 million deaths, it tends to get overshadowed by World War II (which killed off 2.5% of the freaking world’s population).  So when we hear war stories, there tends to be a focus on the “Teddy Roosevelt’s son storming Normandy” and less on the “holy shit there were battles in World War I with nearly two million casualties” side of things.

But while World War II made for more daring tales of American badassery, we wouldn’t be doing our nation’s history justice without mentioning one of the arguably most famous American veterans of World War I.  That would be Alvin C. York, the former (boo) alcoholic (yay!) Sergeant who ended up being one of the most decorated American soldiers in the whole war.  Because while he considered himself a man of peace, as you can clearly tell, his moustache alone could clear an enemy machine gun nest.

That’s why we’re here to salute…

Alvin C. York:  The Rambo of World War

Boom.  Ladies, if you just stared into the eyes of this picture, you are now six months pregnant. 

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