“Why would you go and do that to a perfectly good hot dog?”
~AFFotD Food Critic, John Goodman
America’s tireless of cholesterol-boosting culinary delights have yielded some of the most delicious foods imaginable. Our can-do attitude allows us to not only invent the key lime pie, it drives us to invent a way to fry a key lime pie. We’ve crafted the perfect hangover drink, and we’ve learned how to make pizza alcoholic. And of course, we as a nation are also responsible for the most efficient and glorious nitrate delivery system—the hot dog. The hot dog is the epitome of America’s culinary excellence, but for every delicious meat tube scarfed down in an eating competition, there is a monstrosity created by someone overreaching to try to make a hot dog something it is now.
Hot dogs are cheap, delicious, American, and can support a multitude of region-specific toppings, but sometimes we go too far. And while we salute those who try to push hot dogs upwards to dizzying heights, we also caution them that sometimes one may soar too high, and it’s best not to look down. Especially when you are creating…
America’s Strangest, Most Terrifying Hot Dogs
“Can’t you just buy 600 McDoubles and a follow up quadruple bi-pass instead?”
~AFFotD Food Critic, John Goodman
Americans love hamburgers. It’s less costly and far more portable than steak, and it’s one of the most convenient ways to cram red meat into your colon that’ll never go away. They’re also delicious and unhealthy and we said that already. Of course, the reason why we eat a hamburger instead of ordering a steak is that it’s typically much cheaper to get a nice quality burger as opposed to a delicious un-ground-up chunk of animal meat.
However, as much as America loves economic gluttony, we also love rubbing our excess wealth in the faces of everyone less fortunate than us. Similarly to why Ron Jeremy chose a profession where he could allow as many people as possible to see his penis, many of America’s elite like to order food that reminds you that no matter how hard you studied for that Philosophy degree from one of the nation’s top universities, none of it did anything to help you earn that 15% tip they’re about to leave you that should be able to cover this month’s rent.
Sure, you can spend two dollars to stuff a McChicken inside of a McDouble, but why not show off your American know-how by ordering a hamburger that’ll cost as much as the inevitable doctor’s appointment you’d have to book after your encounter with the McGangbang? That’s why we’re here to present you with a not-particularly-exhaustive-because-we’re-honestly-super-hungover-right-now list of…
America’s Most Expensive Hamburgers
“Weighing in at over 300 pounds, this 3 foot tall hunk of meat….”
~A Porn actress’s nightmare
It should come as no surprise to you that we at the America Fun Fact of the Day have a pretty well-established love of Hamburgers. We also love needless excess. Show us the person who would say that we’re “wasting our time” making and selling the world’s largest gummy bear and we’ll show you a sad individual whose dream of making and selling the world’s largest gummy bear was likely dashed by diabetes.
America loves unhealthy things, and we love lots of unhealthy things far more. When someone tells us something has 540,000 calories, our response is generally, “I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat yourself, I just climaxed.”
But, to quote the guy from Queens who thought we just insulted him in that last sentence, “I got your 540,000 calories riiiiight here.” And he does. Or at least we do. And by “we” we mean to say “Detroit”. In the form of…
Holy Mother of Cow, It’s the World’s Largest Hamburger!
Pictured, from left to right: Ingredient, Ingredient, Hamburger, Psychopath chef
~The Huffington Post
Giant penis. There, glad to get that out of our system. AFFotD has made it an occasional habit to bring you moderately new “news” stories, if for no other reason than to save you from the terror of reading about something in a newspaper. So whenever we’re talking about Brewmasters peeing in glasses or people drinking only beer for lent, we’re there…well, a few days later.
So when we see something about a Chicago restaurant setting a world record by making a 47-foot long bratwurst, you can count on us to fill you in, without making you wade through the treacherous sea of awful, cringe-worthy puns that certain articles by the goddamn Huffington Post about it choose to use.
Seriously, there’s more bad puns in the Huffington Post article about this sausage than a clown funeral. Do clowns even use puns? Would they say puns at a clown funeral? We don’t know. Stop bothering us. Sausage is another way to describe a penis.
Uh. Anyway. Time for the news.
“It’d take YOU a few weeks to do a write up too if you were recovering from a meat coma.”
~AFFotD’s Hot Dog Reporter
July 4th was a day with one of the most American traditions we can think of. Well, fireworks too, but mainly we’re talking about the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest. As you no doubt remember, AFFotD has chronicled the American ways of Competitive Eating, so it only seemed sporting that we let you know how this year’s Super Bowl of food competitions went. We hired a Hot Dog freelance writer to try to keep up with the competition, Hot Dog for Hot Dog. No, it wasn’t that Japanese guy that refused to sign a contract with the professional eating league and now complains about it when they don’t let him compete, our writer only lasted about 30 hot dogs until his stomach distended and he lapsed into a very literal coma. Ha ha, jokes on him, freelancers don’t get insurance, boo-ya!
Now whenever he closes his eyes this is all he sees.
As a result we have an inside scoop, and once he regained lucidity we were able to go to the presses and report on…
The AFFotD Rundown of the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest
Posted in Hot Dogs, Hamburgers, Steaks
Tagged America, cupcakes, Eater X, Hot Dog, Japanese, Juliette Lee, Nathan's Hot Dog, Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest, Patrick Bertoletti, Red Lobster, Sonya "The Black Widow" Thomas, Tim Janus
“Hoootttt…..Dooooooggggggsssssss….*drops a snowglobe*”
~Orson Wells’ last words
Americans truly are champions of unhealthy food, as we’ve documented time and time again. With each American cuisine comes another foolproof method for us to gain incredible weight without having to suffer through eating anything that is not amazingly delicious. Steaks, hamburgers, fried food and beer, all of these have been hoisted by the America Fun Fact of the Day staff as symbols of our greatness. We are a land of temptation, and as the antagonist-character-who-is-a-thinly-veiled-metaphor-for-the-Devil-in-a-Christian-“movie”-made-by-a-Megachurch would tell us, “Sin is in”.
But one American food stands head and shoulders above all else, something that is delicious, high in fat, calories, sodium, nitrates, and suicide bomber white blood cells. A food that, eaten alone, is already terribly unhealthy for you, but is expected to be combined with deep fried starches. A food that should be filling, but where eating two, or even three, over the course of a baseball game is no big deal. A food so American that every year we have competitions to see who can cram the most down our throat, and when a Japanese person dared to claim the world record, an American trained himself, Rocky style, to kick his ass by setting new world records each year.
We are of course talking about the reason why American health care is so expensive, the Hot Dog.
Just because it’s phallic does not make us gay to want to have sex with this right now.
“Heart attacks are just God’s way of congratulating you for being so damn American.”
~Chester B. Arthur
America has not always been known as a culinary giant of the world, the concept of “gourmet” food being a laughably European notion for much of the 20th century. And while many foods that we take for granted, such as pizza, ice cream and paint thinner, get their roots from other, non-American nations, one food staple will always be synonymous with American consumption.
Of course, we are talking about…the Hamburger.
Oh dear God, that explains why food porn blogs exist…
“Oh my God, this steak is so good I can taste it’s soul.”
There’s an old story that we at the America Fun Fact of the Day offices like to tell to really amp us up. And by “old story” we mean “a heritage myth we stole from some Indians and tinkered with, because, you know, America.” It talks of the Bear and the Cow. The Bear was the most feared animal in the forest, able to rule the forest mercilessly, this being before the existence of C. Dale Petersen. All animals fled his path, and hunters to him were like hot dogs inside orange-vest hot dog buns. Brother Bear knew no fear, and had never experienced pain. Then, one day, there was a cow stampede in the forest. These fat cows, lumbering, came in such great numbers that Bear had to climb a tree to evade them, only to look down in despair to see his youngest cub directly in the path of the oncoming bovine charge (Bear was sort of a shitty parent, to be fair). Right as the Bear grimaced, preparing for the death of his child, Brother Cow stopped in his tracks, directly in front of Bear’s cub. The rest of the herd ambled past, and when the dust settled, Cow stood in front of the cub, and in his mouth was a blade of grass, which he gave to the cub. Brother Bear was so relieved that he climbed down, and said to Brother Cow, “You have saved my own dearest child. Thank you, Cow, you truly are a noble creature.”
Brother Bear and his cub then ate the shit out of that Cow, because steak is fucking delicious.