“We will eat enough hot dogs that our blood type will become ‘Nitrates’ and then we will eat some more.”
~AFFotD Official Credo
Recently, we at AFFotD painstakingly researched over 25 different long rolled sandwiches in America over the course of 11,000 words and four articles. We learned a lot during that delicious (though at times, excruciating) journey—mainly that it takes most wives and husbands about four hours of listening to a writer drunkenly talk about sub sandwiches before they take the kids and go spend a week at their parents’ place. While it’s all well and good to spend your time writing about submarine sandwiches and Italian beefs, when you try to list every type of sandwich in existence you end up scrapping the bottom of the internet to find anything at all that explains why “sarney” is in the dictionary as a type of sandwich, or why whiskey doesn’t always chase the demons away. After we ran ourselves ragged trying to write about every sandwich, we were pleased with our results, but swore an oath that we would never again take on such a daunting, impossible task. Unfortunately, we then celebrated the publication of the series by getting really drunk again and thinking of another article suggestion, and since we were hungry, we decided to talk about every kind of regional hot dog in America.
God…goddamn it. We just will never learn.
Anyway, it’s time to delve into the magical tube of nitrates that is the hot dog in all of its wondrous (and occasionally not-so-wondrous) incarnations. Hold onto your hats, America, here’s another multi-part, nation-sprawling series on unhealthy foods.
Regional Hot Dog Styles Of America: Part 1 of 4
Posted in AFFotD Special Features, Hot Dogs, Hamburgers, Steaks
Tagged America, Beef, Cheese Coney, Chicago, Cincinnati, Cincinnati Chili, Coney Island Hot dog, Corn Dog, Don't Put Ketchup On Your Hot Dog, Gray's Papaya, Hot Dog, hot dogs, Maine, Nathan's Hot Dog, New York, New York-Style Hot Dog, Pork, Porky, Red Hots, Red Snappers, Regional Hot Dogs, Rochester, sandwiches, Veal, White Hot, White Hot Dog
“I mean, how do I…finish this? It’s EVERYWHERE.”
~Consumers of the following
Hamburgers are a wonderful. We’ve often explained why in great detail. We’ve searched around for the largest in the world. Hell, we’ve even unleashed our wallets to let you know the most expensive burgers in the world. Hamburgers are wonderful.
That past paragraph was technically a palindrome.
Anyway, as much as we love hamburgers, America loves them even more, which is why there are millions of variations of the suckers out there to clog your arteries. Some are fancy, some are plain. Some are tofu. All are delicious. Except for tofu burgers, you get that right the hell out of our face, eat yourself a nice rare steak, and write us a 4,000 word essay on why you are bad and should feel bad. No, we’re serious, go home and think about what you’ve done. We’ll wait.
Of course, as we can see with doughnut burgers, Americans love their burgers unhealthy and sloppy. That’s why we’ve decided to scour the google internet our contact list the nation, on foot, forming painful blisters from thousands of traversed miles to find you the sloppiest, messiest burgers that our fair country has to offer. Are there other examples of potentially messier burgers out there? Well, probably, Jesus “messy” is such an objective term and maybe if you’re nice we’ll do a follow up to this article. But in the meantime, sink your fangs into…
The 10 Messiest Burgers In America
Posted in Hot Dogs, Hamburgers, Steaks, Strange Foods
Tagged 666 Burger, America, Applebee's, Bratwurst, Burger, cheeseburger, deep-fried twinkies, Double Coronary Burger, fried mac and cheese, Hamburger, Heart Attack Grill, Jucy Lucy, Kuma's Corner, Mac and Cheese, Mac and Cheese Burger, Messy Hamburger, Mexican hamburger, Mozzarella sticks, Quadruple Bypass Burger, quesadilla, Terrible Garbage Burger, The Simpsons, The Slayer, Twinkie burger, twinkies, Winer and Still Champion, Wisconsin
“What in the living hell? What is going ON here? This is terrifying. I want it all.”
~AFFotD Food Critic, John Goodman
The American fast food industry has a rich history of creating unhealthy Frankenstein meals, possibly as part of a sadistic plan to fatten up the populace enough that Soylent Green becomes a financially viable food product. Ever since Taco Bell created “Fourth Meal” and White Castle whipped out their “What you Crave” slogan as a not-so-subtle way of telling you “these sliders taste like sex when you’re drunk or high,” fast food chains have gone in two directions with their meals. They either cater their menu to daytime customers, the kinds of people who might want to nibble on a nice Egg White McMuffin on the way to work, or just have a Whopper with fries for lunch, or they realize, “huh, for some reason our locations around colleges are empty during the day, and then have lines out the door at three in the morning” and start offering food that sounds like it would be fucking delicious when you’re hammered.
Here’s a quick sobriety test for you. Did you know that Burger King sells tacos? If you said, “Oh God, that sounds disgusting” you’re probably only a few beers into your day. If you read that and thought, “Man, I would love to try that right now” you must be pretty hammered.
Apparently Jack in the Box has decided to fully embrace this concept in a way that borders on insanity, which is why our nation is about to be presented with the Jack’s Munchie Meal. And because it will take about six shots of whiskey and a familial history of mental illness to truly demonstrate everything going on with these $6 “man how drunk was I last night?” meals, we’re bringing back our News Item of the Month feature to really delve into the true eyes of corporate fast food madness.
AFFotD News Item of the Month: Jack in the Box has lost their GODDAMN MINDS
Posted in Hot Dogs, Hamburgers, Steaks, Strange Foods
Tagged America, Bacon, brunch burger, Chicken Nuggets, Chicken Sandwich, Fast Food, Grilled Cheese, Hamburgers, Jack in the Box, Mozzarella sticks, Taco Bell, tacos, White Castle
“Why would you go and do that to a perfectly good hot dog?”
~AFFotD Food Critic, John Goodman
America’s tireless of cholesterol-boosting culinary delights have yielded some of the most delicious foods imaginable. Our can-do attitude allows us to not only invent the key lime pie, it drives us to invent a way to fry a key lime pie. We’ve crafted the perfect hangover drink, and we’ve learned how to make pizza alcoholic. And of course, we as a nation are also responsible for the most efficient and glorious nitrate delivery system—the hot dog. The hot dog is the epitome of America’s culinary excellence, but for every delicious meat tube scarfed down in an eating competition, there is a monstrosity created by someone overreaching to try to make a hot dog something it is now.
Hot dogs are cheap, delicious, American, and can support a multitude of region-specific toppings, but sometimes we go too far. And while we salute those who try to push hot dogs upwards to dizzying heights, we also caution them that sometimes one may soar too high, and it’s best not to look down. Especially when you are creating…
America’s Strangest, Most Terrifying Hot Dogs
“Can’t you just buy 600 McDoubles and a follow up quadruple bi-pass instead?”
~AFFotD Food Critic, John Goodman
Americans love hamburgers. It’s less costly and far more portable than steak, and it’s one of the most convenient ways to cram red meat into your colon that’ll never go away. They’re also delicious and unhealthy and we said that already. Of course, the reason why we eat a hamburger instead of ordering a steak is that it’s typically much cheaper to get a nice quality burger as opposed to a delicious un-ground-up chunk of animal meat.
However, as much as America loves economic gluttony, we also love rubbing our excess wealth in the faces of everyone less fortunate than us. Similarly to why Ron Jeremy chose a profession where he could allow as many people as possible to see his penis, many of America’s elite like to order food that reminds you that no matter how hard you studied for that Philosophy degree from one of the nation’s top universities, none of it did anything to help you earn that 15% tip they’re about to leave you that should be able to cover this month’s rent.
Sure, you can spend two dollars to stuff a McChicken inside of a McDouble, but why not show off your American know-how by ordering a hamburger that’ll cost as much as the inevitable doctor’s appointment you’d have to book after your encounter with the McGangbang? That’s why we’re here to present you with a not-particularly-exhaustive-because-we’re-honestly-super-hungover-right-now list of…
America’s Most Expensive Hamburgers
“Weighing in at over 300 pounds, this 3 foot tall hunk of meat….”
~A Porn actress’s nightmare
It should come as no surprise to you that we at the America Fun Fact of the Day have a pretty well-established love of Hamburgers. We also love needless excess. Show us the person who would say that we’re “wasting our time” making and selling the world’s largest gummy bear and we’ll show you a sad individual whose dream of making and selling the world’s largest gummy bear was likely dashed by diabetes.
America loves unhealthy things, and we love lots of unhealthy things far more. When someone tells us something has 540,000 calories, our response is generally, “I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat yourself, I just climaxed.”
But, to quote the guy from Queens who thought we just insulted him in that last sentence, “I got your 540,000 calories riiiiight here.” And he does. Or at least we do. And by “we” we mean to say “Detroit”. In the form of…
Holy Mother of Cow, It’s the World’s Largest Hamburger!
Pictured, from left to right: Ingredient, Ingredient, Hamburger, Psychopath chef
~The Huffington Post
Giant penis. There, glad to get that out of our system. AFFotD has made it an occasional habit to bring you moderately new “news” stories, if for no other reason than to save you from the terror of reading about something in a newspaper. So whenever we’re talking about Brewmasters peeing in glasses or people drinking only beer for lent, we’re there…well, a few days later.
So when we see something about a Chicago restaurant setting a world record by making a 47-foot long bratwurst, you can count on us to fill you in, without making you wade through the treacherous sea of awful, cringe-worthy puns that certain articles by the goddamn Huffington Post about it choose to use.
Seriously, there’s more bad puns in the Huffington Post article about this sausage than a clown funeral. Do clowns even use puns? Would they say puns at a clown funeral? We don’t know. Stop bothering us. Sausage is another way to describe a penis.
Uh. Anyway. Time for the news.
“It’d take YOU a few weeks to do a write up too if you were recovering from a meat coma.”
~AFFotD’s Hot Dog Reporter
July 4th was a day with one of the most American traditions we can think of. Well, fireworks too, but mainly we’re talking about the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest. As you no doubt remember, AFFotD has chronicled the American ways of Competitive Eating, so it only seemed sporting that we let you know how this year’s Super Bowl of food competitions went. We hired a Hot Dog freelance writer to try to keep up with the competition, Hot Dog for Hot Dog. No, it wasn’t that Japanese guy that refused to sign a contract with the professional eating league and now complains about it when they don’t let him compete, our writer only lasted about 30 hot dogs until his stomach distended and he lapsed into a very literal coma. Ha ha, jokes on him, freelancers don’t get insurance, boo-ya!
Now whenever he closes his eyes this is all he sees.
As a result we have an inside scoop, and once he regained lucidity we were able to go to the presses and report on…
The AFFotD Rundown of the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest
Posted in Hot Dogs, Hamburgers, Steaks
Tagged America, cupcakes, Eater X, Hot Dog, Japanese, Juliette Lee, Nathan's Hot Dog, Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest, Patrick Bertoletti, Red Lobster, Sonya "The Black Widow" Thomas, Tim Janus
“Hoootttt…..Dooooooggggggsssssss….*drops a snowglobe*”
~Orson Wells’ last words
Americans truly are champions of unhealthy food, as we’ve documented time and time again. With each American cuisine comes another foolproof method for us to gain incredible weight without having to suffer through eating anything that is not amazingly delicious. Steaks, hamburgers, fried food and beer, all of these have been hoisted by the America Fun Fact of the Day staff as symbols of our greatness. We are a land of temptation, and as the antagonist-character-who-is-a-thinly-veiled-metaphor-for-the-Devil-in-a-Christian-“movie”-made-by-a-Megachurch would tell us, “Sin is in”.
But one American food stands head and shoulders above all else, something that is delicious, high in fat, calories, sodium, nitrates, and suicide bomber white blood cells. A food that, eaten alone, is already terribly unhealthy for you, but is expected to be combined with deep fried starches. A food that should be filling, but where eating two, or even three, over the course of a baseball game is no big deal. A food so American that every year we have competitions to see who can cram the most down our throat, and when a Japanese person dared to claim the world record, an American trained himself, Rocky style, to kick his ass by setting new world records each year.
We are of course talking about the reason why American health care is so expensive, the Hot Dog.
Just because it’s phallic does not make us gay to want to have sex with this right now.
“Heart attacks are just God’s way of congratulating you for being so damn American.”
~Chester B. Arthur
America has not always been known as a culinary giant of the world, the concept of “gourmet” food being a laughably European notion for much of the 20th century. And while many foods that we take for granted, such as pizza, ice cream and paint thinner, get their roots from other, non-American nations, one food staple will always be synonymous with American consumption.
Of course, we are talking about…the Hamburger.
Oh dear God, that explains why food porn blogs exist…