Tag Archives: America

William Shakespeare’s American Past

Posted on February 4, 2011 | Leave a comment

“It’s almost the weekend, so everybody better fucking rage.”

~William Shakespeare, Hamlet- Act 6, scene 14

At the America Fun Fact of the Day, we sometimes have to recognize our roots.  It’s a painful experience that every one on staff remembers vividly, when we first found out that America has not been around forever.  For most of us, we finally accepted this fact by the time we were 18, but that doesn’t make it sting any less.  In Elementary school, we would say with scorn, “Oh, the pilgrims were English?  Go ahead, pull the other one, it plays Ave Maria.”  In Middle School, we would say, “We don’t have time to listen about ‘Mesopotamia,’ we’re going to taste-test the difference between 12-year-old and 15-year-old Bourbon.”  We’re not legally allowed to discuss our reaction to this information in High School, because juvenile records are sealed, but you get the picture.

We’re not saying we started this…but that’d be impressive, right?

But when you let go of your preconceived notions, you can recognize all the reasons why America is so great.  So, when we found out that all those damn fancy word plays we were reading were actually by a British dude, we were pissed.  Until we dug a little deeper, and found the American roots…of William Shakespeare.

Si.

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Ulysses S. Grant Loves Whiskey, Hates Pants

Posted on February 3, 2011 | 5 comments

“I’m so drunk right now, I have no idea what’s going on.  Where are my pants?”

~President Ulysses S. Grant, Battle of Gettysburg

As a general rule, we here at America Fun Fact of the Day like our Civil War generals, and our nation’s leaders, like we like our coffee.  Just filled to the brim with booze.  And while many famous U.S. Presidents dabbled in their own well known vices (JFK’s foot fetish, FDR’s presidential throne made out of people, Bill Clinton’s ecstasy raves) few were able to employ their debauchery to so effectively serve the nation as Ulysses S. Grant.

Pictured:  Proof that no man can ever again be this manly.

Not pictured:  Pants

Also Pictured:  Cow lick

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The American Tale of C. Dale Petersen

Posted on February 2, 2011 | 11 comments

“Guys, you gotta help me.  C. Dale Petersen is after me.  You gotta help, I’m…I’m so scared…”

~Rambo

When the America Fun Fact of the Day staff goes on manly-adventure-excursions, or “Manventursions” as we refer to them, we usually have a break in the program right after “extreme skydiving” and right before the jalapeño peppers eating contest so we can silently reflect on how manly and awesome we are.  J

ohnny Roosevelt, our editor-in-chief and the grandson of Teddy, regales us with stories of celebrity sexual conquests (Jessica Alba and Kathleen Turner on the same night, and Kathleen still had moves) and unbelievable feats of strength (he straight up knocked out Arnold Schwarzenegger in a game of Knuckles Roulette).  Our accountant talked about how he went to jail for murdering an elephant in a public zoo.  However, our photoshop guy ruined the mood when he kept bitching about how we never use photoshopped pictures, and just steal shit off of google images, which was the opposite of manly.  So we fired him.  With fire.

“YOUR JOB IS SO EXPENDABLE, BILLY!”

After the embers cleared we all had a great laugh until we stumbled upon a plaque that proved that, no matter how hard we try, how many Midget Tossing records we hold, or how many geriatric three-ways we pull off, we can never be manly enough.  Because we had seen true manliness, and all else seemed like a cheap imitation in comparison.

We are referring to C. Dale Petersen, a man so manly that if you ever said his complete first name out loud, your hand would spontaneously turn into a bouquet of dicks.

To recap the plaque pictured above, C. Dale Petersen ran into a royally pissed of Grizzly Bear.  C. Dale Petersen, who adhered to his personal credo of “Do not fuck with C. Dale Petersen,” rammed his fucking arm down the bear’s throat. And, at risk of using excessive italics, we must point out the fact that he then bit into the bear’s jugular vein to make it pass out before bashing it in the head with a stick to DEATH.

To recap.  This.  Throat.  Stick.  To death.

These actions are so manly they just gave Burt Reynolds a sex change operation.

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Blizzards, a Hazardous Foe

Posted on February 1, 2011 | 3 comments

“We rap all the time, all we do is so much rapping, do do doodle dee do do do.”

~The Blizzard Man

When winter approaches, we hang up our special coat of arms with one of our Latin credos (yes, we have more than one Latin credo).  “Bruma Fuck.”  Fuck winter.  And despite our hatred of this, the cruelest of seasons, and our even stronger hatred of that entitled shrew known as “Mother Nature,” we at AFFotD have to give props where props are due.  And that’s Blizzards.  Because they will mess you up, and they do not fuck around.

Though 2011 is just in its infancy, we’ve already encountered massive snowstorms in our East Coast offices, with our Chicago offices looking at 20 inches of snow in the upcoming days.  So, much like how a criminal profiler has to get inside the mind of the killers he chases, we at the AFFotD offices need to think like Blizzards, before they kill us all.

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A Delicious History of Steak

Posted on January 31, 2011 | 16 comments

“Oh my God, this steak is so good I can taste it’s soul.”

~Ted Turner

There’s an old story that we at the America Fun Fact of the Day offices like to tell to really amp us up.  And by “old story” we mean “a heritage myth we stole from some Indians and tinkered with, because, you know, America.”  It talks of the Bear and the Cow.  The Bear was the most feared animal in the forest, able to rule the forest mercilessly, this being before the existence of C. Dale Petersen.  All animals fled his path, and hunters to him were like hot dogs inside orange-vest hot dog buns.  Brother Bear knew no fear, and had never experienced pain.  Then, one day, there was a cow stampede in the forest.  These fat cows, lumbering, came in such great numbers that Bear had to climb a tree to evade them, only to look down in despair to see his youngest cub directly in the path of the oncoming bovine charge (Bear was sort of a shitty parent, to be fair).  Right as the Bear grimaced, preparing for the death of his child, Brother Cow stopped in his tracks, directly in front of Bear’s cub.  The rest of the herd ambled past, and when the dust settled, Cow stood in front of the cub, and in his mouth was a blade of grass, which he gave to the cub.  Brother Bear was so relieved that he climbed down, and said to Brother Cow, “You have saved my own dearest child.  Thank you, Cow, you truly are a noble creature.”

Brother Bear and his cub then ate the shit out of that Cow, because steak is fucking delicious.

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The American History of Teddy Roosevelt

Posted on January 30, 2011 | 10 comments

“Shit shit shit, guys, it’s Teddy Roosevelt.  We’re fucked.”

~Cuba, 1898

While America has produced its fair share of mutant supermen, only one of the nation’s past presidents was actually allergic to electricity, due to the metallic nature of his testicles.  A man who once cut another man in half by blinking at him.  A man who didn’t like Spaghetti because it was “Too Italian”, so he only subsided on hamburgers and his enemies’ fears.  That man of course, is Theodore Roosevelt.

“Hi.  Do NOT fuck with me”

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America Fun Fact of the Day- An Introduction

Posted on January 29, 2011 | 3 comments

“America.”

~You


What do we see here?  A building?  A flag?  An “if your mind is in the proper place, incredibly phallic” fountain spurt?

No.  No, we see…America.

Hello.  Hello.  Hello.  Normally, writers would say something like “Hello.  Hola.  Halo.  Konnichiwah.”  You know, to be inclusive.  Welcoming.  Cultural.  Well, you know what inclusive is for?  Space shuttle safety inspections.  You know what welcoming is for?  Doormats.  You know what Cultural is for?  Uh…Elementary School Festivals Meant To Gloss Over The Shocking Homogeneity Of This Fucking Suburb?  Sure.  But guess what, assholes.  This is fucking America.

America, just like a potato chip, is better in its ruffled form.

So, you may be asking yourself in that “incredibly unrealistic concept that people reading random internet blogs would ask themselves questions about the aforementioned blog” way, “Who are these people, and what do they know about America?”

Well, if you have a good necromancer, you might be able to ask the great-grandfather of our Editor-in-Chief, Johnny Roosevelt.

If America was a gun, he’d be the armor-piercing bullets.

Of course, after he established the America Fun Fact of the Day offices in 1973, J.R. felt he needed to create a credo for the whole enterprise, which is only now joining the online revolution (…that is, 10 years ago it would have been considered a ‘revolution’).  That credo?

America.  That is what we believe in.  That is what we represent.  What is America?  America is everything, yet it is still everything.  Over indulgence in alcohol?  Of course, preferably whiskey.  Yes.  Yes, this is America.  Over eating, and discovering new ways to create a jowl?  Yes, most indubitably.  But really, being American is about being ignorant to your faults, proud of your vices, and uncompromising over the most minuscule of details.  It is with this in mind that we shall serve as a path for freedom, a dream to show the American dream.  We will not yield.  We will not relent.  And we will not cease in our debauchery.

Yes.  And it is with this credo in our fingertips, and with J.R. looking over our shoulders, like seriously, right the fuck now, that we begin this enterprise.  We will give the uncensored histories of the greatest Americans, of the most American foods and items.  We will show the true path to American empowerment, and we will chastise all impostures.

So for those unwilling to hear the truth about George Washington’s Laser Vision, Ulysses S. Grant’s Drunken Imperiousness to Bullets, or The Proper Way To Eat a Steak, go to http://www.france.gov.  Otherwise, take solace in knowing your nation is great, and if you think otherwise…well, that’s like saying cheese is not delicious.  You clearly must have a problem digesting something that is glorious.    

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