“Gimme a break, gimme a break, break me off a piece of that… OH WHAT THE FUCK, JAPAN!?”
Apart from the Chinese inventing fireworks and Arabs inventing all those boring “math” “innovations” like “the number 0,” America is responsible for inventing everything great that we have in the world. The light bulb, the internet, the George Foreman Grill, all of these essential and life-changing products were conceived and birthed here in the U S of A. Unfortunately, as soon as a product has been invented, anyone is free to tinker with it, and often in trying to improve an idea, they poison it.
Yes, we’re talking about Japan.
Specifically, it is Japan’s bastardization of American culinary treats that is both mind boggling, and terrifying. It must be stopped. So, we are beginning a new feature, discussing Japan’s terrifying alteration of American products, with…
Goddamn It Japan, You’re Doing it Wrong: The Kit Kat Bar
“Don’t worry America, WE still love you.”
We’re gonna get real for a second here. A lot of countries? For some reason or another, they’re not particularly fond of us. We know, it’s surprising to us as well. But just like some people dislike ice cream, or consider themselves asexual, some other countries just don’t like us. It’s strange, don’t ask us to try to explain it. But while we’re known to foster a lot of negativity on this site, or at the very least come up with hurtful names for people we don’t like, every once and a while we like to cut back on the bile and applaud non-American locations for, well, putting up with us.
So when we saw an AskMen article listing the top 10 America loving countries, we figured, eh, why not write a Fun Fact applauding those countries. And if the judge asks, this totally counts as our community service, and it totally took us 40 hours to write it.
Good Job By You! The 10 Most Pro-American Nations
If America and Japan were listed in a relationship on facebook (and if they were 15 years old) it would absolutely say “It’s Complicated.” Japan not only attacked Pearl Harbor, they did so in a way to inspire Michael Bay to make a movie about it, while America got back at them by dropping two atomic bombs on them. But despite the animosities of the past, Japan has always had a vested interest in Western Culture, and in many ways has tried to emulate and mimic the practices of European and American cultures.
Unfortunately, this is the origin of the phrase, “Goddamn it Japan, you’re doing it wrong!” When the West started brutally Imperializing other countries, Japan took it to uncomfortable levels by trying to make the Korean language illegal. When the West started making warplanes, Japan decided to turn them into suicidal fireballs. When Japan noticed that the West has rounder eyes, they started mutilating themselves to look less Asian.
Thankfully, there’s always been a cultural gap between America and Japan. While we spend our time trying to find ways to replace bread with fried chicken in sandwich preparation, Japan tries to make steak out of fecal matter. While we invented the Internet, Japan invented roughly 60% of the creepier porn that goes on it.
However, we at AFFotD have just discovered that Japan might be gearing up for a cultural war with America by doing what America does best without adding tentacles. It’s a terrifying time for all of us. These are the stakes.
CULTURE WAR: Burger King in Japan Tries To Out-America America
“I’m not even surprised at this point. Just sad.”
The Women’s World Cup is the biggest thing to happen to Soccer’s popularity in America since the Men’s World Cup last year that you had totally forgotten about until we just mentioned it here. And as a result, we’ve been using it as a good opportunity to tranquilize the coffee of our investigative journalist, [REDACTED], and force him to live-blog some soccer games. He doesn’t know anything about soccer (because, you know, America) and as much as he likes rooting for America and rooting against countries who we have fought against in wars (looking at you, Japan), he still really hates this whole gig.
And we like making sure he knows his damn place, so he was at hand to blog about the Women’s World Cup Championship match between America and Japan. By the time he came to in the utility closet we stuck him in, we heard a lot of loud wailing, which was replaced by some whimpering and keyboard taps about five minutes into the game. We printed up the following, taped it to a brick, and chucked it through Johnny Roosevelt’s window, so without further adieu, here is [REDACTED]‘s liquor-fueled description of the game.
Posted in Japan, [REDACTED]
Tagged America, Breathalyzer, Japan, Liquor, Megan Rapinoe, Oprah Winfrey, Redacted, Spanish, Team USA, USA, Women's World Cup, World Cup
“Goddamn it Japan, you’re DOING IT WRONG!”
~America Fun Fact of the Day
Every once in a while, the man who we hired to read news stories out loud to us (because…reading? Eww) comes across something shocking, disturbing, and downright terrifying. We don’t know what these stories are going to be, but we have expectations for worst case scenarios. For example, there could be a report about state banning liquor. Maybe an article about people turning poop into beef. Or, God forbid, a story about parasites live in potato chips and cause your face to melt.
Of course, we never run into anything like…wait. What?
Oh God no, no nooooooooo.
Don’t make us do it… Don’t make us make this…
AFFotD’s News Item of the Month