“Last Sunday in August…no need to change things now…”
~Johnny Roosevelt
Look at that map up there. This is the last Sunday in the month of August 2011. This will be the last Sunday ever in an August in the year 2011. Let that sink in.
Sunk in? Good. Now it’s time for the normal.
Today’s Date in American history (America Edition)
“AGHHHH! Oh wait that wasn’t too bad.”
~The East Coast during an Earthquake
This Wednesday, the East Coast was rattled by a 5.8 magnitude Earthquake, leading to hilariously glib twitter responses and a series of smug “you call that an Earthquake?” responses from West Coasters who would begin screaming in terror if they ever saw more than a half an inch of snow. It caught everyone by surprise, and New York flocked at the chance to shout, “ME! ME!! MEEEEE!” and bask in the media attention.
Of course the offices of AFFotD were hit by the Earthquake, but you didn’t hear us bitching about it. That’s because we knew that fucker was coming. “Oh, but AFFotD, how is that even possible and” yeah yeah, shut it. We know things. We’re like the goddamn animals in the Washington D.C. zoo. So we know this shit.
Anyway, long story short, we have an Earthquake shelter. Yes, it’s awesome. Yes, we will show it to you.
A Guided Tour of AFFotD’s Revolutionary Earthquake Shelter
Artist’s rendering (artist had recently consumed hallucinogenic mushrooms)
“The only thing more terrifying than the Russian menace is the outward displays of homosexual behavior exhibited by my son.”
~The average American in 1957
America loves nostalgia, just so long as it only gets in the way of us making changes that cost a lot of money. The power grid is horribly inefficient? No need to spend hard earned booze-tax money to fix it, it reminds us of simpler times! We can make air bags that make cars much saver? Why do that, it’s needlessly costly and besides, we all love classic cars! Baseball tickets used to be a dollar? Fuck you, let’s gouge the shit out of everyone!
The point is, alcohol consumption is the leading cause of moments of nostalgia (as well as incorrectly informing people that you love them). And this is America, so we’re drunk always (always). And as we polished off our third keg of 20 year Pappy Van Winkle (special made just for our staff) we started to get bourbon nostalgic, which as you all know ages incredibly. So we began looking through our stack of 1950’s articles from back when we were known as “The Informative American.” We’ve previously shown you an example of our bi-weekly 1950’s publication, which pertained to parenting, but we were drawn specifically to a 1957 article we published regarding Communism. More astutely, it was an informative guide for spotting out Communists in your local community. Maybe it was the high priced liquor, but we felt like we needed to share with you this unique blend of paranoia, McCarthyism, and surprisingly blunt misogyny with you, the educated, inebriated 2011 reader. So, without further ado, we present …
The Informative American’s Guide to Spotting Dirty Communists (originally published November, 1957)
Posted in The Informative American
Tagged America, Communist, Nostalgia, Pappy Van Winkle, Russia, The Informative American
“Layyyyyy-deeeees?”
~Bachlor/Bachlorette Parties
Sometimes, people in America get married, which often makes taxes easier to deal with. As a general rule, when Americans are about to make a large investment in changing their stationary, they go through various ways to celebrate this union. Many throw lavish weddings, some people elope in secret because the husband was very good at making “too cheap to pay for a wedding” sound like “romantically whisking his bride into matrimony.” But no matter the wedding type (shotgun) or the reason behind the nuptials (mail-order bride) one part of wedding celebrations is celebrated by every American.
That of course would be the bachelor and bachelorette party.
There is a science behind these parties, and a lot of it has to do with the magic that makes alcohol turn into happiness once it passes through your liver. And despite specific differences between each event, bachelor parties and bachelorette parties adhere to the same American tenants. That’s why we’re here to present…
AFFotD’s Official American Guide For Bachelor and Bachelorette Parties (for America Continue reading
Posted in America Fun Fact of the Day
Tagged Alcohol, America, Bachelor Party, Bachlorette Party, Celebrations, Superbad, Weddings
“Oh, someone wants to have TOP Ramen? Well Lah Dee Dah, would you like me to park your limousine for you MR. ROCKEFELLER?”
~ALDI Customer
One of America’s chief exports is sustainable poverty, and we’re strictly responsible for coming up with numerous ways for people to go about “eating in an American fashion” without having to “pay money for ‘healthy’ food.” Our fast food restaurants have dollar menus that ensure you can hit your daily calorie intake without spending more than two dollars. We make individual donuts that have more fat than a twelve ounce steak. So while we might have to get inventive, and look to import in cheap ass food sources, make no mistake that the lower eight rungs of our society will flock to embrace them.
We’re talking, of course, about the discount supermarket chain, ALDI. A company with enough laughable generic food imitations that it’s remarkable to consider that it was founded and is headquartered in Germany.
But we’ll forgive them that one small fact for a delicious box of “Fruity Rice” cereal.
Haa, yes.
Posted in America Fun Fact of the Day
Tagged ALDI, America, Germany, Millville, Trader Joe's
“Hungover. Today in history. We’ve done this before.”
~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief, Johnny Roosevelt
One of our writers today was driving on the highway. He was going about 80 in a 55, because, you know, America. The next thing he knows, there’s this BMW that starts speeding up on his ass. It practically drove him off the rode. As the car sped off in the distance, he saw the asshole’s license plate- it was a vanity plate (of course) that simply said… “MANLY.”
That makes us all so very happy. Anyway, here’s…
Today’s Date in American History (American Edition)
“Hey, that reporter looks like….ohhhhhh.”
~You
Americans have a broad sense of humor. We can appreciate
a fart joke just as much as a Woody Allen movie.
What we’re trying to say is that we find this screen shot to be absolutely hilarious.
Have a great weekend everybody.
“I see nothing wrong with this picture.”
~American parent in the 1950’s
The greatest generation was also the generation of the worst parents. Children born in the 1950’s had to dodge carcinogens, tetanus, and medically-caused birth defects like it was their job. Granted, it’s not the fault of the parents, it was more a sign of the times. Having some cigarettes and booze while pregnant was just a good way to calm the nerves, and so what if Lawn Darts can be used as a weapon, it’s called survival of the fittest. Darwin, motherfuckers. In the 50’s, parents didn’t spend their time drinking while their children took turns playing “inhale the asbestos fibers” because it was fun, they did it because alcohol is delicious, and that entire generation spent most of their time offsetting the effects of Delirium Tremens.
And really, childrearing in America during this time was naïve, but innocent. And of course, America Fun Fact of the Day was there. Yes, while we’ve been in existence as AFFotD since the 1970’s, we were still putting out information back in the 1950’s as a bi-weekly informational brochure called “The Informative American.” Looking through our archives, it wasn’t hard to dig up one of our classic guides to parenting from back in 1955.
Being a parent in the 1950’s didn’t mean you’d expressly go out of your way to make life dangerous for your children. The rest of the world did that job for you, and you’re never going to be able to out-terrible-parent this woman who used her children in a knife throwing act. But, in our 1955 guide, we were able to highlight just exactly was expected the 1950’s American parent!
So, for a refreshing take as to the mindset of America 55 years ago, we present…
AFFotD’s 1955 Guide to Parenting*
*Following this advice today will lead to your arrest. AFFotD is in no way responsible for any injuries as a result of the information in this article.
The look on that baby’s face says “holy shit, I almost drowned just now.”
Posted in The Informative American
Tagged AFFotD in the past, Alcohol, America, cigarettes, The Informative American
“While we appreciate your zeal, and your heart is in the right place, why don’t you stand back and leave this to the professionals.”
~Official AFFotD Press Release
The best thing about America is that most people understand and appreciate it. So, while certain douchebags who we have declared blog-war against might hate America, most sensible and sane individuals love America, and why wouldn’t they? America is a country where you can eat ice cream at the same time as you drive an SUV. That’s fucking beautiful. So, we can understand that people may share are similar level of fervent American love, but every once and a while we have to serve as officers of American public opinion and rein back the American ramblings of publications that are not our own.
That’s why we have to comment on a facebook group that has been dormant for the past several years, and will soon be reformatted by facebook. We posted a screen shot of it here so you could see their views on America before it got changed, but below you will find a non-AFFotD sanctioned list of the most American things in America.
Right off the bat, we have to say that we appreciate what these kids are trying to do here. But you can’t go from novice to expert on American things without years of practice and rigorous drinking training, and from the looks of this list those responsible for this group haven’t even worn through their training liver yet.
For example, at the top of the list is a series of “Untouchables” that range from “yeah I guess” to “eh, whatever.” We all love Rock, Paper, Scissors, but if you dare tell us that you find that more American than Steak or C. Dale Petersen you’re full of shit. And lying to restaurants to get free shit on your birthday? That’s pretty American, but most of the time you just end up with a slice of cake with a candle in it, come back to us when they start giving out free bourbon for your birthday. And sure, Guitar Hero is fun to play, but it’s not like it’s as American as The Oregon Trail.
In going through the list, there are a series of suggested American items that we endorse, those that were not well thought out, and those which are flat out wrong. We will go through each of the three categories, but will also make sure to save the positive ones for last, because goddamn it we do like to end on a high note.
AMERICAN ACTIVITIES THAT DO NOT BELONG ON THIS AMERICAN LIST
Posted in America Fun Fact of the Day
Tagged America, American List, Best Things About America, BLOG WAR!
“Sunday, Sunday, Sunday! Hangover, hangover, hangover!”
~Demolition Derby Announcers
America Fun Fact of the Day is nothing but predictable. We’ll talk about British people looting, and we’ll talk about brew masters pissing in glasses. But one area where we’re predictable as shit is that you know on Saturdays you’re going to get an image of the week, and Sundays you know you’re gonna get a recap of what happened on that particular day in history. You know this is going to happen. And if this too “meta” for you, well, fucking deal. Fucking. Deal.
Anyway, back to our tradition of posting hungover as shit and telling you what happened during…
Today’s American Day in American History
Posted in America Fun Fact of the Day
Tagged America, Goose Island, Looting, Riots, Today in American History
America Fun Fact of the Day 