Category Archives: America Fun Fact of the Day

America Fun Fact of the Day’s Back-to-School Special

Posted on September 2, 2011 | Leave a comment

“I have to go to school?  That’s bullshit.”

~You watch your fucking mouth, young man


Holy shit, America, it’s already September.  And you know what that means.  As we get to the time of the year that you’re either not supposed to wear white or you’re allowed to wear white again (we really can’t keep Labor Day and Memorial Day straight), the younger Americans, or younglings if you will, are forced to undergo an arduous nine month torture known as “Education.”  That’s right, schools are oppressively well lit buildings where kids have to sneak to the bathroom to smoke and drink, and in the meantime they are forced to read books.

We even once heard that they teach Math there.

School is bullshit.  Abraham Lincoln didn’t go to school, and he did just fine for himself.  The only reason we go to school is so we can go to college, which National Lampoon films have informed us are only inhabited by cranky deans and attractive young people who are eager to get naked.

Anyway, it’s time for youngsters to get back to school, that’s why AFFotD is here to provide you kiddos with…

AFFotD’s Back-to-School Special!

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AFFotD’s Guide to Procrastination

Posted on August 29, 2011 | Leave a comment

“I’ll do it later.”

~America


America used to be a land of hard work and enterprise.  In the matter of a generation we went from dirt roads to bustling highways.  The Empire States Building was built in only 410 days for less money (adjusted for inflation) than the projected costs for a renovation project it is currently undergoing (sure, 5 people died during the construction, but they were probably immigrants).  The point being, back in the day, America was all about working their asses off to earn a living.

In actuality, America is a lot like two of our favorite actors- Marlon Brando and Orson Wells.  What do they have in common?  Well, they started off as bright, hard working thespians…before deciding, “eh fuck it” and shoveling everything they could into their face.  America is exactly like that.  We as a nation worked our ass off so that we could waste as much time as possible on our employer’s dime.  If you had someone working 80 hour weeks for minimum wage, we’d just chalk that up to their illegal immigrant status and try to find a job that lets you get drunk on your lunch hour.  Which is why we’re here to present a guide to a truly American art form, one that we refine and improve upon each internet-aided year.  We humbly present you with…

AFFotD’s Guide to Procrastination (if we feel like finishing it)

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America Fun Fact of the Day 8/28- August 28th in American History

Posted on August 28, 2011 | 1 comment

“Last Sunday in August…no need to change things now…”

~Johnny Roosevelt

Look at that map up there.  This is the last Sunday in the month of August 2011.  This will be the last Sunday ever in an August in the year 2011.  Let that sink in.

Sunk in?  Good.  Now it’s time for the normal.

Today’s Date in American history (America Edition)

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America Fun Fact of the Day’s Earthquake Shelter

Posted on August 26, 2011 | 1 comment

“AGHHHH!  Oh wait that wasn’t too bad.”

~The East Coast during an Earthquake

This Wednesday, the East Coast was rattled by a 5.8 magnitude Earthquake, leading to hilariously glib twitter responses and a series of smug “you call that an Earthquake?” responses from West Coasters who would begin screaming in terror if they ever saw more than a half an inch of snow.  It caught everyone by surprise, and New York flocked at the chance to shout, “ME!  ME!!  MEEEEE!” and bask in the media attention.

Of course the offices of AFFotD were hit by the Earthquake, but you didn’t hear us bitching about it.  That’s because we knew that fucker was coming.  “Oh, but AFFotD, how is that even possible and” yeah yeah, shut it.  We know things.  We’re like the goddamn animals in the Washington D.C. zoo.  So we know this shit.

Anyway, long story short, we have an Earthquake shelter.  Yes, it’s awesome.  Yes, we will show it to you.

A Guided Tour of AFFotD’s Revolutionary Earthquake Shelter


Artist’s rendering (artist had recently consumed hallucinogenic mushrooms)

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The Informative American’s Guide to Spotting Dirty Communists (originally published November, 1957)

Posted on August 25, 2011 | 5 comments

“The only thing more terrifying than the Russian menace is the outward displays of homosexual behavior exhibited by my son.”

~The average American in 1957


America loves nostalgia, just so long as it only gets in the way of us making changes that cost a lot of money.  The power grid is horribly inefficient?  No need to spend hard earned booze-tax money to fix it, it reminds us of simpler times!  We can make air bags that make cars much saver?  Why do that, it’s needlessly costly and besides, we all love classic cars!  Baseball tickets used to be a dollar?  Fuck you, let’s gouge the shit out of everyone!

The point is, alcohol consumption is the leading cause of moments of nostalgia (as well as incorrectly informing people that you love them).  And this is America, so we’re drunk always (always).  And as we polished off our third keg of 20 year Pappy Van Winkle (special made just for our staff) we started to get bourbon nostalgic, which as you all know ages incredibly.  So we began looking through our stack of 1950’s articles from back when we were known as “The Informative American.”  We’ve previously shown you an example of our bi-weekly 1950’s publication, which pertained to parenting, but we were drawn specifically to a 1957 article we published regarding Communism.  More astutely, it was an informative guide for spotting out Communists in your local community.  Maybe it was the high priced liquor, but we felt like we needed to share with you this unique blend of paranoia, McCarthyism, and surprisingly blunt misogyny with you, the educated, inebriated 2011 reader.  So, without further ado, we present …

The Informative American’s Guide to Spotting Dirty Communists (originally published November, 1957)

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The Guide to Bachelor and Bachelorette Parties

Posted on August 23, 2011 | 1 comment

“Layyyyyy-deeeees?”

~Bachlor/Bachlorette Parties

 

Sometimes, people in America get married, which often makes taxes easier to deal with.  As a general rule, when Americans are about to make a large investment in changing their stationary, they go through various ways to celebrate this union.  Many throw lavish weddings, some people elope in secret because the husband was very good at making “too cheap to pay for a wedding” sound like “romantically whisking his bride into matrimony.”  But no matter the wedding type (shotgun) or the reason behind the nuptials (mail-order bride) one part of wedding celebrations is celebrated by every American.

That of course would be the bachelor and bachelorette party.

There is a science behind these parties, and a lot of it has to do with the magic that makes alcohol turn into happiness once it passes through your liver.  And despite specific differences between each event, bachelor parties and bachelorette parties adhere to the same American tenants.  That’s why we’re here to present…

AFFotD’s Official American Guide For Bachelor and Bachelorette Parties (for America Continue reading →

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ALDI Owns Trader Joe’s, Corners The Market On Cheap Food Knockoffs

Posted on August 22, 2011 | 44 comments

“Oh, someone wants to have TOP Ramen?  Well Lah Dee Dah, would you like me to park your limousine for you MR. ROCKEFELLER?”

~ALDI Customer

 

One of America’s chief exports is sustainable poverty, and we’re strictly responsible for coming up with numerous ways for people to go about “eating in an American fashion” without having to “pay money for ‘healthy’ food.”  Our fast food restaurants have dollar menus that ensure you can hit your daily calorie intake without spending more than two dollars.  We make individual donuts that have more fat than a twelve ounce steak.  So while we might have to get inventive, and look to import in cheap ass food sources, make no mistake that the lower eight rungs of our society will flock to embrace them.

We’re talking, of course, about the discount supermarket chain, ALDI.  A company with enough laughable generic food imitations that it’s remarkable to consider that it was founded and is headquartered in Germany.

But we’ll forgive them that one small fact for a delicious box of “Fruity Rice” cereal.

Haa, yes.

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America Fun Fact of the Day August 21st- August 21st in American History

Posted on August 21, 2011 | Leave a comment

“Hungover.  Today in history.  We’ve done this before.”

~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief, Johnny Roosevelt

One of our writers today was driving on the highway.  He was going about 80 in a 55, because, you know, America.  The next thing he knows, there’s this BMW that starts speeding up on his ass.  It practically drove him off the rode.  As the car sped off in the distance, he saw the asshole’s license plate- it was a vanity plate (of course) that simply said… “MANLY.”

That makes us all so very happy.  Anyway, here’s…

Today’s Date in American History (American Edition)

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America Fun Fact of the Day 8/20- Saturday Image of the Week

Posted on August 20, 2011 | Leave a comment

“Hey, that reporter looks like….ohhhhhh.”

~You

Americans have a broad sense of humor.  We can  appreciate
a fart joke just as much as a Woody Allen movie.

What we’re trying to say is that we find this screen shot to be absolutely hilarious.

Have a great weekend everybody.

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AFFotD’s 1955 Guide to Parenting*

Posted on August 18, 2011 | 3 comments

“I see nothing wrong with this picture.”

~American parent in the 1950’s


The greatest generation was also the generation of the worst parents.  Children born in the 1950’s had to dodge carcinogens, tetanus, and medically-caused birth defects like it was their job.  Granted, it’s not the fault of the parents, it was more a sign of the times.  Having some cigarettes and booze while pregnant was just a good way to calm the nerves, and so what if Lawn Darts can be used as a weapon, it’s called survival of the fittest.  Darwin, motherfuckers.  In the 50’s, parents didn’t spend their time drinking while their children took turns playing “inhale the asbestos fibers” because it was fun, they did it because alcohol is delicious, and that entire generation spent most of their time offsetting the effects of Delirium Tremens.

And really, childrearing in America during this time was naïve, but innocent.  And of course, America Fun Fact of the Day was there.  Yes, while we’ve been in existence as AFFotD since the 1970’s, we were still putting out information back in the 1950’s as a bi-weekly informational brochure called “The Informative American.”  Looking through our archives, it wasn’t hard to dig up one of our classic guides to parenting from back in 1955.

Being a parent in the 1950’s didn’t mean you’d expressly go out of your way to make life dangerous for your children.  The rest of the world did that job for you, and you’re never going to be able to out-terrible-parent this woman who used her children in a knife throwing act.  But, in our 1955 guide, we were able to highlight just exactly was expected the 1950’s American parent!

So, for a refreshing take as to the mindset of America 55 years ago, we present…

AFFotD’s 1955 Guide to Parenting*

*Following this advice today will lead to your arrest.  AFFotD is in no way responsible for any injuries as a result of the information in this article.

The look on that baby’s face says “holy shit, I almost drowned just now.”

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