Category Archives: AFFotD Special Features

Every so often, our writers run out of whiskey when the liquor stores have already closed. Unsure what to do in such a terrifyingly sober world, we try to occupy ourselves by writing comprehensive long-form articles about some of the most important aspect of America.

We’ve put each of our special feature here for you to peruse, because deep down you’ve always wanted to know about the lives of each of Teddy Roosevelt’s kids, or about the most American quality of each American state. Or it’s just a slow work day and you’re looking to pass the time with a healthy dose of America.

The American States Of America: The Most American Qualities Of Every State (Part 2 of 10)

Posted on January 24, 2013 | 1 comment

“Can’t we just say every state’s most American trait is their ability to get shitcanned drunk?  This is a lot of work, you guys.”

~AFFotD’s Article Transcriber

 america states of america

PART TWO

As we discussed in our first “American States of America” segment, America is the greatest country on Earth, and a large reason for that is that each and every individual state has uniquely American qualities and traits.  From Delaware’s beer to Connecticut’s Hamburger inventing, we went through the first five states of the union, in order of their admission, as the beginning of a ten part series going through every state and telling you why exactly they are awesome.

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The American States Of America: The Most American Qualities Of Every State (Part 1 of 10)

Posted on January 23, 2013 | 5 comments

“Delaware.  We’re in Delaware.”

~Wayne Campbell

american states

Together, America is united as one boozy, overweight, hard drug dabbling awesome nation.  However, it’s important to remember that we began as a confederation of states, and each of those states very much has its own unique identity which is defined through their citizens, history, and contributions to American society.  If you’re looking for the best bourbon in the nation, you’ll probably think of Kentucky before, say, Alaska.  But that doesn’t mean Alaska doesn’t live life Americanly by shooting wolves from helicopters and getting paid for no reason other than living in a place not a lot of people want to be.

So when we at AFFotD look to exalt America, sometimes we have to look at each individual piece of the puzzle and determine the most American aspects of each state of this great nation.  That is why we are here to present to you a five part series listing the most American qualities of every state in the Union, in order of when they were officially admitted into the United States of America.  So grab onto your hats, and get ready to watch us frantically Wikipedia what the hell is in North Dakota.

america states of america

PART ONE

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The 10 Greatest Christmas Movies Of All Time: The Drinking Game

Posted on December 18, 2012 | 12 comments

“Ca-ching!”

~TV Executives during Christmas film re-runs season

snowman

Christmas is a time of family and nostalgia.  Well, liquor as well.  And definitely presents.  Okay, so Christmas is a time of liquor and presents.  Still, nostalgia and family play an important part, and every family tends to have their own Christmas movie that they watch each year to get them in the holiday spirit.

Sure, you occasionally might see some terrifyingly misguided attempts to be “hip” to cash in on the holiday season, but no matter how many shitty country music stars you put in front of a live audience, the classic films we grew up with are what really give us our holiday cheer each and every year.

With Christmas right around the corner (AGHH!  ONE WEEK YOU GUYS!), we decided to count down the greatest Christmas films to ever come out of this fair country.  But, since everyone uses the holiday season as a flimsy excuse to drive their page views by coming up with a gimmicky top-ten Christmas film list, we decided we’d get to the true heart of the holiday season—getting drunk.

After all, drinking games bring American families together even better than classic holiday films, so why not combine these two wonderful traditions to help bring each and every family drunkenly closer together?  With that yuletide spirit in mind, make sure to put some extra bourbon in your already-spiked eggnog, and join us as we regale you with…

The 10 Greatest Christmas Movies Of All Time Drinking Game

 christmas tree

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Quentin Roosevelt Was The Favorite

Posted on December 20, 2011 | Leave a comment

“Quentin?  Respect.”

~Teddy Roosevelt

Many of you following our Teddy’s Tots feature have no doubt thought to yourselves, “Wow, so these kids were all born in the 1800s, a decade lousy with child mortality rates, and so far all of his children have lived to be older than fifty, and in one case, ninety years old.  Didn’t only one of Abraham Lincoln’s four children survive into adulthood?”  That’s…yes that’s true.  Wow, you know your shit.  Well then you probably knew that Teddy Roosevelt’s youngest child was the one to live the shortest?  You did?

Well then you also know that Quentin Roosevelt managed to fit more badass in twenty years of life than most professional bear wrestlers.  That’s why we are proud to present, the sixth and final chapter in the Teddy’s Tots series, with…

Quentin Roosevelt Was The Favorite

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Archibald Roosevelt’s Knee Fought For Freedom

Posted on December 16, 2011 | Leave a comment

“Well, you know what they say about us Roosevelts.  We have powers and we can destroy you with a thought.”

~Teddy Roosevelt

We at America Fun Fact of the Day have enjoyed bringing you our series on Teddy Roosevelt’s children, Teddy’s Tots.  You’ve learned so far about Alice’s pet snake, Teddy Jr.’s storming of Normandy with a cane, Kermit’s desire to explore Indiana Jones settings, and Ethel’s humanitarianism.  It’s safe to say that every Roosevelt child was able to be exceptional in his or her own special way.  Which is why, before we address the impressive achievements of Archibald Roosevelt, the fifth of six Roosevelt children, we must protest the sorry state of his Wikipedia entry as of the writing of this fun fact.

We like our Americans like we like our women- strong, empowered, and easily looked up on Wikipedia (here’s looking at you, Barbara Bush).  That’s why we shudder to think that the writer of Archibald Roosevelt’s early life section is either illiterate or, worse, foreign.  Just look at this screen grab.

We mean, come on Wikipedia editors, this is a Roosevelt we’re talking about here.  Listen, we’re no fans of grammar here, but we at least try to avoid sentances that make you feel like you’ve had a stroke when you read them out loud.  Honestly, “Growing up Archie was very close to his brother Quentin and favorite of all times”?  Do you mean to say that Archie was closer to his younger brother Quentin more than his other siblings?  “But Ted Jr. for Ethel would tell their mother, Edith, and she would be in big trouble for that”?  Uh…we can’t even piece that out.  Do you understand?  Our editor in chief is related to the person you are talking about in this article and even he doesn’t know what’s going on!

“As for his smartness, Archie was an avid reader and very smart at putting puzzles together pretty fast and such”?  Okay now you’re just fucking with us, Wikipedia.  Is this because we won’t listen to your founders “passionate plea” for donations for the third time in four years?  You know what, we don’t want to dwell on this, it’ll just ruin our day, so why don’t we just cut right to the good stuff with this, part 5 of our 6 part Teddy’s Tots series…

Archibald Roosevelt’s Knee Fought For Freedom

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Ethel Roosevelt Derby: Nurse, Philanthropist, and Preserver of the Roosevelt Legacy

Posted on December 2, 2011 | 2 comments

“I decided to sire a child every time I killed an elephant.  I’m sure my wife was glad that there were only six elephants in American zoos at the time.”

~Teddy Roosevelt

As you’ve seen in our three previous articles about the children of Teddy Roosevelt, the man did this country a service by creating a miniature army of super Americans.  Roosevelt children defied gender roles, stormed Normandy into their 50s, and navigated mysterious Amazonian rivers like it was nothing.  So as we continue our ongoing Teddy’s Tots series we look into the Roosevelt Daughter who shied away from the limelight…and in doing so still ended up being the first Roosevelt to show up for World War I.

Because you do not fuck with the Roosevelts.

Ethel Roosevelt Derby: Nurse, Philanthropist, and Preserver of the Roosevelt Legacy

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Kermit Roosevelt: Explorer, Soldier, Author, American

Posted on November 29, 2011 | 3 comments

“To be honest, we shouldn’t be talking about the Kennedys, we should be talking about the Roosevelts.”

~Editor-in-Chief Johnny Roosevelt, who is in no way biased

Having learned about the incredible badassary behind the first two children of Theodore Roosevelt, Alice and Teddy Jr., it’s of little surprise that America was able to annex the moon in the 1960’s (pshh, don’t pretend it “doesn’t belong to any country” there’s a damn US flag on the thing, we get first rights to all the moon rocks and space hookers).  Is it surprising to you that Roosevelt gave birth to six children who came to adulthood around the time where America was beginning to become a world power?  We’d suspect it’d only be surprising if you’re the kind of person who is surprised to see a bullet come out of a loaded gun when you pull the trigger.

Yes, the spawn of Roosevelt have shaped America in a myriad of ways, which is why we continue our series of Teddy’s Tots to look into the individual American contribution of each one of Roosevelt’s sons.  Today we look at Kermit Roosevelt, the most unfortunately named Roosevelt with the most unfortunate life.  Despite his lifelong issues with depression, he was still able to show us what being an American was about, which is why we salute…

Kermit Roosevelt:  Explorer, Soldier, Author, American

 

Seen here while in the middle of saying “I am SO getting laid tonight.”

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Theodore Roosevelt, Jr.: Businessman, Soldier, Politician, Badass American. So, Basically, His Father’s Son

Posted on November 17, 2011 | 7 comments

“Let’s be honest.  You’d be more surprised if I had a kid that DIDN’T go on to do anything worthwhile.”

~Teddy Roosevelt

As we’ve discussed previously in our fun fact regarding Teddy Roosevelt’s surprisingly attractive daughter Alice, Teddy Roosevelt made it his duty to ensure that America had at least 6 carriers of the Teddy Roosevelt gene going around to make the world awesome.  Teddy Roosevelt’s children were blessed with advantages that many of us could only dream of.  Impressive moustache growing abilities.  The strength of five men.  The knowledge that it was physically impossible to be bullied during your childhood because every time someone tried to punch you, a mythic force known only as “Roosevelt Waves” would shatter every bone in the hand of the would-be attacker.

While some Roosevelts used this advantage better than others, they all still have given us enough reason to write about each and every one of them as we continue our series of Teddy’s Tots with a fun fact discussing Teddy Roosevelts second oldest child, and his eldest son.  All hail the man with the name that could open a thousand doors…

Theodore Roosevelt, Jr.:  Businessman, Soldier, Politician, Badass American.  So, Basically, His Father’s Son.

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Alice Roosevelt Longworth: 96 Years of Pet Snakes, Cuckolded Husbands, and Sharp Wit

Posted on November 15, 2011 | 6 comments

“In fact, most suspect it was Mr. Roosevelt’s general monogamous ways that is the only reason why America is not dominated by illegitimate supermen.”

~1920 Census Report


Consider this, America.  On the six occasions that Theodore Roosevelt told his reproductive system to make him a child, millions upon millions of potential Roosevelts battled each other for the right to carry on the legacy (and moustache genes) of one of America’s finest Americans (and great-grandfather to our editor-in-chief).  Each child was, genetically, 50% Teddy Roosevelt, which scientifically equates to about 8.3 Americans each.

Yes the fact that Teddy Roosevelt had six children seems appropriate- if anything it’s a disservice to our country that he didn’t go all Jim Duggar with his two wives.  Roosevelt hadving two wives had nothing to do with divorce or infidelity, of course- Roosevelt’s first wife, Alice Hathaway Lee Roosevelt, died shortly after childbirth when Roosevelt was 25 (it happened in the same house on the same day that his mother died, a coincidence that historical circles refer to as “Dude, that fucking sucks”).  Of course, Roosevelt knew he had to continue his lineage with more than one child, so he eventually remarried where his second wife gave birth to his five other children.

But those children?  Unmistakably American, every one.  That is why we at AFfotD are making it our duty to tell you about each and every one of the Roosevelt Children, and for the next several weeks you will periodically find fun facts in the Teddy’s Tots series.  We settled on the name “Teddy’s Tots” because we like alliteration, but “Teddy’s Totally Tricked out Tiny Tyrants” seemed a bit cumbersome.  So we begin our goal to educate you about the lives of every one of Teddy Roosevelt’s spawn with…

Alice Roosevelt Longworth:  96 Years of Pet Snakes, Cuckolded Husbands, and Sharp Wit

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America’s Goofiest Pictures of American Presidents (Part Two: 1861-1933)

Posted on September 1, 2011 | 1 comment

“No, but seriously, you’re not gonna put any goofy pictures of me, right?”

~George W. Bush


As we discussed in yesterday’s fun fact, anyone can have a bad picture taken of them.  And the more pictures taken of you, the better the chance that you’ll come off looking less than flattering.  And who gets more pictures taken of them than anyone?  Actors and models.  Oh right, well yeah, but apart from that?  POTUS, motherfuckers.  Here’s our continuing list of goofy Presidential photos, from Herbert Hoover to Abe Lincoln.

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