“What? Is that like, a cooking show or something?”
~The Average American Response to the Pan American Games
As roughly two of you already knew, this year saw the 17th Pan American Games take place in Toronto. 41 nations in the Americas competed, with America leading the way with 103 gold metals and 265 total metals. Many of you might not be familiar with the Pan American games, and that is because, like most red blooded Americans, you only can muster up enthusiasm for the Olympics, which is understandable. If you’re going to try to give a shit about track and field more often than once every four years, you’d better have just married a hot wife with a high school aged son from a previous marriage who you try to support in order to make him begrudgingly like and respect you (sorry, though, no matter how hard you try, he totally won’t).
For most American athletes, the Pan Am games are a way to clean up and snag a lot of metals when you only have to worry about going up against 2 of the 6 continents that field athletes competitively in international competitions. And for most Cubans, the Pan Am games are a way to defect the fuck out of Cuba. However, for a relatively inconsequential (as far as the typical American sports fan is concerned) competition, the history of the Pan Am games are both deeply interesting and kind of unintentionally hilarious. And never in the 64 years that this sporting event has been held has there been more unintentional hilarity as the first ever Pan American games to be hosted in the United States.
Because, holy shit, Chicago had no idea what it was getting itself into when it tried to plan an entire international competition in less than two years, and as a result, history will always have the wonderful train wreck that is…
The 1959 Chicago Pan American Games: The Most Hilarious International Competition Of All Time
Posted in 20th Century Insanity, Athletes, Strange America
Tagged 1959 Pan Am Games, America, Chicago, Chicago Pan American Games, Dwight D. Eisenhower, Mayor Daley, Milton Eisenhower, Olympics, Pan Am Games, Pan American, Pan American Games, the Pan Am games
“Let’s go Stogies! No wait that can’t be right, can it? We’re not honestly called that, right?”
~Pittsburgh Stogies fans
A few weeks back, we talked to you about some late 19th and early 20th century professional baseball team names that we felt were, frankly, kind of ridiculous. We’ve not always been great at naming teams, and well, considering the Phillies we’re still not that great at naming teams, but we’ve at least phased out the worst offenders. From the Columbus Solons to the Cincinnati Kelly’s Killers, there are a whole slew of defunct major league baseball teams that had laughable, absurd names, and some of them even managed to not be from Ohio.
That said, as ridiculous as those names were, they weren’t the only ones out there. So we combed through the history of major league baseball to find some more hilarious names, because we’re easily amused when drunk.
More of the Silliest Major League Baseball Team Names of All Time
Posted in All things baseball, Athletes, Strange America
Tagged America, Baseball, baseball team names, Brooklyn Tip-Tops, Federal League, Hartford Dark Blues, Major League Baseball, MLB, Newark Peppers, Pittsburgh Stogies, Rupert Mills, Silly Names, St. Louis Terriers, Troy Trojans, Union Association, Wilmington Quicksteps
“The ‘X’ is for ‘EXTREME.’ What has happened to my life?”
~Michael Mink, CEO and Commissioner of X-League Indoor Football
This week, in celebration of National Professional American Indoor Football Week, which is a fake event that we made up to justify this whole enterprise, we have been writing extremely longwinded articles about various professional indoor football leagues and their teams. This honestly-pretty-weird idea for a themed week of articles has seen us write about the Indoor Football League and the Professional Indoor Football League, both of which pay their players about $200 a game to sacrifice their bodies while possible over 100 bloodthirsty fans cheer for their demise like the gladiators of old.
While we already know way more about semiprofessional indoor football leagues than anyone really should (technically they’re “professional” because they get paid, but when we’re dealing with salaries this low, calling these leagues anything more than semiprofessional is like claiming to be an auto parts salesman because you once traded your old station wagon to Carmax) we’re going to that well one more time to tell you about the newest and, if we’re being perfectly honest, stupidest participant in the overcrowded arena football game.
No seriously, this gets kind of dumb. Don’t say we didn’t warn you. Anyway, let’s talk about…
The History of the X-League Indoor Football League
Posted in 20th Century Insanity, Athletes, Strange America
Tagged Alabama Outlawz, America, American Indoor Football, Bloomington Edge, cape fear heroes, Corpus Christi Fury, Florida Tarpons, Football, Forida Marine Raiders, Georgia Rampage, Indoor Football League, Jared Lorenzen, Marion Blue Racers, National Professional American Indoor Football Week, Professional Indoor Football League, Rio Grande Valley Sol, St. Louis Attack, X-League
“My boy plays in a football league! He’s going to make it to the NFL one day, just like that Drew Brady!”
~The Mother of an Indoor Football League quarterback
Two years ago, we talked about the American Indoor Football League, now just called “American Indoor Football”, a hilariously small, 10 team semi-professional football league that exists in such hotbed communities in dire need of a professional sports franchise such as Laurel, Maryland, the 25,000 population home of the defending AIFL champions, the Maryland Eagles. We delved into the rich and honestly haphazard history of the league operating under the motto of “Fast Paced Family Fun” and gently prodded this league that probably doesn’t really need to exist. We had a good time, and got to write about football in a way that doesn’t help Roger Goodell’s brand, so it really was a double win for us.
In a fit of nostalgia, we revisited this topic only to find that American Indoor Football is hardly alone in the field of “leagues of traveling semi-pro football teams getting paid peanuts to hit each other for the amusement of literally of dozens of fans.” No, America is a land rich with high school varsity players just out of college desperate for a chance to relive their glory days, so we’re not content with simply one non-Arena-Football-League-knock-off. And this week, we’re going to introduce you to three more.
That’s right, it’s National Professional American Indoor Football Week here in America (according to a sentence we just made up) so what better way to celebrate than to give three of these leagues (yup, we’ve got three distinct leagues here) their due, and introduce you to your new favorite teams to root for when your car breaks down in Sioux Falls and you just decide to shrug and start a new life there instead of paying for a new transmission. First up—the inventively named Indoor Football League.
The History of The Indoor Football League
Posted in 20th Century Insanity, Athletes, Strange America
Tagged America, American Indoor Football, Arena Football League, Bemidji Axemen, Billings Wolves, Canadian Football League, Cedar Rapids Titans, Football, Football League, Green Bay Blizzard, Green Bay Packers, IFL, indoor football, Indoor Football League, Intense Football League, Iowa Barnstormers, Nebraska Danger, Sioux Falls Storm, Tri-City Fever, Wichita Falls nighthawks
“I feel more connected to my team and engaged in this sporting event for reasons totally unrelated to arousal!”
~American Males Watching Cheerleaders at a Sporting Event
Nothing celebrates the flower of American womanhood quite like cheerleading. We take athletic, energetic, scantily clad women, and have them hypnotize predominantly male audiences at sporting events into learning how to spell team names. We also decided to create a bitter, occasionally violent, rivalry between them and girl volleyball players, because hey, cat fight. It’s a beautiful tradition that our nation embraces wholeheartedly, and it’s what separates us from the goddamn Europeans. However, the names of most of these teams are so embarrassing that those of us with a weak stomach for poorly misplaced puns sometimes question if it’s even worth it. That’s why we’re here, with the help of some outside research from an intrepid AFFotD supporter who felt that “the people HAVE to know” to run down the best and worst of the Cheer Squad names in America. Well, it’s more like the so-so and the worst. Okay most of them are just plain awful. Let’s move on and post some pictures of women not wearing a lot of clothing to skyrocket the page views for this sucker then, shall we?
America’s Best (And Worst) Cheer Squad Team Names
Posted in Athletes
Tagged 2012 olympics, America, Atlanta Falcons, Baseball, Basketball, Bring It On, Carolina Panthers, cheer squads, Cheerleaders, cheerleading, Chicago Bears, Chicago Bulls, Dallas Cowboys, Dance Group, Football, Hockey, Ice Crew, Miami Dolphins, MLB, NBA, New Jersey Jets, New Orleans Saints, NFL, NHL, Sports
“Get your shit together, ESPN.”
~AFFotD Research staff
Because we are American, and have the appropriately diverse staff that is 50% male and 25% females that are cool and like sports and junk, we clearly needs sports as a way to escape the soul crushing frozen darkness that is American winter (shut up California, stop bragging). We’re so desperate for an impressive athlete that even today, when you make a joke about Tonya Harding, most people will respond by going, “Whyyyyy? Whyyyyyy?” (The handful of people who didn’t respond this way replied with “Who?” and “oh you mean that beefy boxing chick?”)
Yes, we like sports. And we don’t care who knows. And since we’re still in a bit of a daze as our brain cells recover from the battle field massacre that we call “New Year’s Eve falling on a weekend” we decided we’d do something lazy, like look up someone’s list of the top 10 American athletes and do a quick blurb on why each of them are American. But when we checked ESPN, we saw that they listed the top 10 North American athletes. Which shouldn’t’ have been a problem, except they put a goddamn Canadian on the list. Eww. Gross. Eww.
So we found the website Made Men and decided to use their list instead.
The Top 10 American Athletes (Determined By Someone Other Than AFFotD)
Posted in Athletes
Tagged America, Babe Ruth, Carl Lewis, Jackie Robinson, Jesse owens, Jim Brown, Joe Louis, Michael Jordan, Muhammad Ali, Sports. Joe DiMaggio, Tiger Woods
“Tim Tebow walks with God.”
We here at AFFotD try to stay topical, but it’s often a losing battle. Sure every once and a while we can touch on Charlie Sheen or Osama Bin Laden, but mostly we focus on events that don’t have a particular timeline to them. Everyone knows that whiskey is delicious, and the fact that Ulysses S. Grant was immune to bullets while inebriated doesn’t magically become “not fact” weeks or months down the line. Our articles are a lot like Twinkies- if you knew what went into them it’d haunt your nightmares forever, but at least you know it’ll never go stale.
Not so with this article. If most of our entries are Twinkies, this one is like, a tub of ice cream being left open in the sun. If that tub of ice cream was really religious and the sun for some reason let it throw touchdown passes despite being a terrible Quarterback. That metaphor didn’t really work, but if we’ve learned anything from the events of the NFL playoffs this past weekend, it’s that talent isn’t a requisite for winning. Looks like Charlie Sheen was right after all. TEBOW TIME!
Tim Tebow Walks With God (And does a mean Auguste Rodin impression)
“It’s Miller Time, motherfuckers. It’s ALWAYS Miller Time.”
Baseball is America’s pastime in the same way that Bowling is a way of life for rural Midwestern towns. The actual sport itself depends greatly on everyone else getting drunk. If you ever had a professional baseball game that didn’t serve beer, Americans would start rioting faster than a bunch of British hooligans after their soccer team gets relegated. As a result, baseball players themselves have to go out of their way to let you know how American they are. In a league full of Neifi Perezes, the Babe Ruth-like figures are hard to come by.
Even today’s superstars leave something lacking. Yes, Derek Jeter was sleeping with Buddy Garrity’s daughter, but wasn’t A-Rod seeing dinosaur-Madonna? That’s a bad way to go. Think about that. The richest baseball player in the history of the game was, at one point, dating… This.
Fortunately, every once in a while, a true American is born, and instead of deciding to become a fighter pilot or mixologist, he chooses the path of baseball, and figures, if you’re going to do something well, might as well do something drunk. That man may come along only once in a generation, and our generation’s American baseball hero happens to be Hall of Famer, and Miller Lite enthusiast, Wade Boggs.
Pictured here, during the physical act of lovemaking
“No, guys, I’m trying to tell ya, I’m not very good at baseball. No, stop laughing, that wasn’t a joke!”
~Reverand Aloysius Stanislaus Travers, 1912
Baseball is a paradoxical sport. It has the fewest physical demands, the least physical risk, yet the most high-profile injuries and steroid abusers. It’s suffered strike-shortened seasons, rampant cocaine use, and even Jose Conseco and lived to tell the tale. But, much like medicine, most things in America during the early 20th century were ridiculous. Baseball was no different. 1912 in baseball was full of only-decent-athletes, strange rules, and blatant bigotry.
Mainly the bigotry thing though.
That is how one of the biggest racist best baseball player of All-Time helped a future Reverend who couldn’t make it on an amateur baseball team start, and complete, a professional league game. Oh, he got absolutely rocked, absolutely rocked, but it’s still a nice story in America being crazy enough you know better than to fuck with us.
The Forest Whitaker Eyes.