Tag Archives: Hamburger

[REDACTED] Does Labor Day

Posted on September 5, 2011 | 1 comment

“You hear me?  I’m not fucking around with soccer this time, assholes!”

~Redacted

Everyone has a whipping boy.  Bart Simpson has Milhouse,  Linguini has spaghetti.  America has Canada.  AFFotD has…[REDACTED].  The last few times you’ve heard from him we strapped him to an operating table like a convicted rapist in the Clockwork Orange universe and made him live-blog some women’s soccer games.  Yes, we are particularly cruel, but what would you expect from someone who made his AFFotD eating fucking vegan food?

But there’s only so much you can push someone before they snap.  And we’ve seen enough drunken beach invasions to know what happens when [REDACTED] snaps on us.  So we try to keep him happy.  Throw him a bone once or twice.

Here’s a step-by-step description of [REDACTED]‘s Labor Day.  It’s good to be the king.

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The Man That Ate 20,000 Big Macs

Posted on May 22, 2011 | Leave a comment

“OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM”

~Don Gorske

Assuming you’re trying to “keep sober” because your “doctor said he was worried about you” and “your family hired someone to watch over your house and make sure you don’t start chugging bottles of Listerine,” what are the next two ways you can show your love for America without listening to the delirium tremens elephant’s advice to “kill them all and drink their rum”?  That’s right, loyal, blind consumerism, and over eating.  Something like, oh, we don’t know, eating thousands of the same unhealthy food product repeatedly for almost 40 years?

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Vegan Restaurants: Why Do They Hate America? An Undercover Exposé

Posted on February 17, 2011 | 14 comments

“No, anything but this assignment.  ANYTHING BUT THIS ASSIGNMENT!”

~REDACTED

As journalists, we take our duty to the public very seriously.  This nation has over 300 million residents, and not all of them understand the American nature of chugging a beer after dropping a hot dog into it (we call it dog bombing, and it requires a relaxed esophagus and a particular blindness to shame.)  So sometimes, we have to rub elbows with those that operate outside our rules.  Those that shun hot dogs, hamburgers, steak even.  To really get inside the heads of those that spurn these things that are so inherently American, we needed to do a little investigative journalism.  Much like Nellie Bly risked torture to uncover the evils of the mental health system in the 1800’s, Gunter Wallraff spent two years to uncover the human rights violation against immigrants in Germany, and Larry David smuggled himself onto the set of Hannah Montana to discover Billy Ray Cyrus’ evil sex dungeon, our investigators were required to go above and beyond the call of duty.

That’s right.  We sent someone into the Dragon’s Lair.  We sent someone…to a vegan restaurant.

Truly…the thing of our nightmares

And now, for the shocking truth behind a restaurant that dares not to serve meat…eggs…or cheese, here is the report from our Undercover reporter, whose name has been redacted so that his family would not leave him upon discovering he had consumed food that never took advantage of an animal at any point in it’s preparation.  Here is his shocking tale.

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