“There is nothing more important to me than defending the honor of ALDI, I am not a corporate shill”

~Apparently half of the goddamn internet

Nearly six years ago, we wrote an article called “ALDI Owns Trader Joe’s, Corners The Market On Cheap Food Knockoffs.” Not to get too “how the sausage is made” on you, but the entire reason we wrote it was that one of our staffers was at an ALDI with their roommate, and made a crack about the ALDI brand of Ramen Noodles along the lines of “oh, you want TOP Ramen? Well lah dee dah Mr. Rockefeller.”

That’s it.

The article gives a brief history of the company, makes jokes about all the cost-cutting corners ALDI does, pokes fun at their store brands, and closes with a joke about how people who have jobs don’t shop there, and that their produce is low quality but cheap.

People.

Lost.

Their.

God.

Damn.

Minds.

So much so that a year and a half ago, we had to write another article about ALDI to clarify our position, because people were digging up this random article and posting the most pissed off comments imaginable there.

Seriously, we wrote an article that was jokingly like “ALDI is bullshit” and ALDI shoppers reacted as if their loved ones had just told them they don’t actually like missionary position and they should switch things up a bit.

Now, as our follow up article points out—ALDI is fucking fine, if you shop there, you do you, but ALDI literally does nothing that warrants the level of corporate shilling that you motherfuckers give it. If ALDI shoppers got together and formed a club, their motto would be “Well, Actually…”

We barely have the energy to throw away our empty whiskey bottles when we wake up in the morning, yet scores of grocery shoppers are looking up obscure articles about ALDI, finding the two paragraphs that talk shit, and posting long (LONG) comments that are like “I actually make good money, but I still go to ALDI, here is the exact percentage in savings I have, and let me name various brands and products that ALDI offers that I enjoy.” No one gives a shit, Gladice.

You guys, they won’t go away. They stalk us to this very day.

So fuck it. We’ll lean into the skid. Come at us ALDI lovers, you’re about to get a dose of hate.

Jesus Christ Why Do We Have To Keep Talking About How ALDI Is For Poors

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