“They’re back. Trying to tell us what’s American. I knew this day would someday come.”
~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief Johnny Roosevelt
Early this year, we brought to your attention a terrifying article from Fortune magazine that literally made us angry with rage. This “article” tried to inform us what they believed to be the 100 most “American” things out there. Of course, this largely involved nature and saluting alcohol containers that don’t’ have alcohol in them, which made us spew such vile and vitriol towards this corporation that they’ve yet to recover (we can only assume).
So while we were going through our lengthy (lengthy) enemies list, we found that Fortune had not only survived our horrendous literary assault (we literally said that they were not American enough to drink whiskey) but they had the audacity to try to submit another “100 great things in America” list.
We know what you’re thinking. “Oh shit, it’s on.” But before you let your righteous blood lust get the best of you… they actually did a much better job of it this time. They sort of explained their lack of great historical figures (they’re not putting dead people in there, though somewhat ironically they put Steve Jobs in the top 20. Hi-yo!) and they managed to put Pappy Van Winkle bourbon in the top 20. In fact, most of this list is pretty damn spot on, especially the top 10 which has 9 very solidly American items listed. It’s really refreshing to see someone see your critiques of their assessment of America and really work on correcting it.
That said, we’re a petty bunch, so we’re going to nitpick the shit out of this list, and just crush the 20% of list items that we disagree with.
AFFotD snark team, assemble!
“If you make fun of my spot on this list (#92) I will use my substantial power and animal-as-toilet-paper fetishes to destroy your feeble website”
Duly noted, Zuckerberg.
~People who like beer
One of the most common misconceptions in America can be found in the beers we consider to be “American.” Many assume that the Bud Lights of the world are the ultimate American beer, because they’re cheap, low quality, and people still buy the shit out of them. Except that most of the shitty beer, like Bud and Natty Ice, is from Anheuser-Busch InBev, based in…Belgium. The shit is that? Sure, Budweiser got its start in St. Louis, a city with a rich American history based around…uh…arches? But any attempt to forgive the low quality of Budweiser because, “Well, it’s an American beer,” flew right out the window.
“But there’s still Miller Lite, right? It’s Miller Time!”
Nope, that shit’s based out of England. Get your head out of your ass, American beer consumer.
Fortunately, the great bastion of American liquor resides in craft beers. While it has been established that going to a party with Milwaukee’s Best will likely result in you getting shot, if you go to a party with an American craft beer from a microbrewery, 90% of the people attending that party will get laid. True story. Craft brews, though more expensive, are delicious enough that you can find one that will be even be palatable for the girl at the party who keeps going on about how, “I don’t like beer,” as everyone else glares at her and silently judges the person who invited her. Plus, they tend to have two or even four times the alcohol content of your Budweisers and Millers out there. Better taste and more alcohol? How is that not more American?
The microbrew culture in America has gone from laughably poor to universally respected in a fairly short period. Sam Adams, Sierra Nevada, and Anchor Brewing helped reinvent the American brew, and since then many notable breweries have formed in America, making delicious, highly intoxicating beverages for Americans to get drunk on without nearly as bad of a hangover as you’d get from Icehouse.
While the beer industry has decreased by one percent this past year (we don’t know why this would be, we can only blame French immigrants) craft brews were up 11%, proving that more Americans appreciate the American notion of American made artisanal beers.
And we at AFFotD are sad to report that one of our classic American brewing institutions again has been assaulted by foreign powers. And while we are strangely powerless to stop it, at the very least we at AFFotD can take a moment to reflect in the passing of an old friend.
That’s right. Chicago microbrewery staple, Goose Island, has been purchased by Anheuser-Busch.
We’re all clearly very upset.
Posted in Beer!
Tagged Alcohol, America, Anchor Brewing, Beer, Belgium, Bourbon County Stout, Bud Light, Budweiser, Craft Beers, England, Goose Island, Icehouse, Microbrews, Miller Lite, Natty Ice, Sam Adams, Sierra Nevada, St. Louis