Category Archives: Drunk People

Alcohol can make you into a Superman.

Wait what’s that?

Ugh. Fine.

Our lawyers told us that alcohol doesn’t make you Superman, and actually can make you do reckless, stupid things. As seen by these glorious Americans.

What? Goddamn it, give us an inch, you guys.

Our lawyers say that we’re supposed to call them “dumbass” instead of “glorious.”

American Celebrities Broadcasting While Drunk

“Livin’ in Amerrrrrrrrricaaaaaaa.”

~James Brown

America and alcohol go together like America and alcohol- they’re such ideal companions there’s no feasible way to make a better analogy about it.  But there are times when mixing alcohol with American inventions do not turn out so well.  Bourbon and cars?  Despite our brazen, occasionally maligned statements regarding drunk driving (“At least the drunk driving teens who died on the way to prom were cool enough to go to prom, probably because they were good at drinking” seems particularly damning in retrospect), we will admit that it’s usually not a good combination.  Whiskey and airplanes?  Okay, to be fair, we’ve just finished re-watching the plane crash scene of “Cast Away” so we don’t want to think about drunken airplane flying.

Despite how glamorous Die Hard 2 made it seem

But drunken broadcasting?  Someone getting wasted, and then going live on television or radio?  That is goddamn American.  That’s literally the celebrity version of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups.  “You got drunk and high on my television show.”  “You got your television show on my drunk and high.”  “Holy shit best idea ever.”

“It truly was a chugging for the ages.”

That is why AFFotD is here to proudly present the most American moments of wasted broadcasting in American history.  But first, we need to line up some shots.

Or we can just chug some Everclear.

Ahhhhh yeah.  Yeah feel the burn.

Okay.  *cough*.  Okay.  Let’s…uh, let’s get started.

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Goose Island Brewmaster Urinates Publically (AFFotD News Item of the Month)

“I don’t care if we’ve never done a News Item of the Month, this guy pissed in a goddamn pint glass, we’re writing about it.”

~Johnny Roosevelt, AFFotD Editor-in-Chief

Much like how the Eskimos treat their elders, we don’t care much for newspapers.  Honestly, if we wanted to see dinosaurs, we’d go to a museum.  If we wanted to see a dead body, we’d go to the nearby creek with a stick.  But it’s not free admissions day at the museum, and it’s not a Friday by the creek, so why on Earth would we want to read a newspaper?

We’re telling you our stance on newspapers because while we were using some newspapers as kindling today, and we ran across a story that caught our attention for several reasons.  One is that it involved public urination, as well as alcohol.  But mainly, it brought to mind an AFFotD we posted just last week.

So we had to tell you, readers of the internet, about it.  Since, as we said before, newspapers are dying faster than the black characters in early 90’s horror films.

But apparently, Greg Hall, former brewmaster of the recently-purchased-by-Budweiser Goose Island got in hot water for filling up some pint glasses with his own urine at a bar the other day.

AFFotD was there.  And here is the recap.

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BoozeTown Is Real. Seriously.

“Doctor, I have a question.  Is it technically possible to, well, live…inside a bottle of liquor?  Because if there’s a way, let me know, and I’ll just do that instead.”

~Mel Johnson

Every so often, we at AFFotD imagine that you, our readers, ask aloud  something along the lines of, “Hey, whichever AFFotD writer you’ve got on staff today, what is the craziest and most American idea you have ever heard of?  Is it a bear-murder fueled cannon that shoots cheeseburgers?  Or, like, a sex doll made out of ham?  Or do you guys sometimes dream about making a hat that turns you into Robocop?  Holy shit, I want all of those things I just mentioned right now.”

Well, to you, we’d say, first of all, back the fuck off, those are our ideas and our legal department is like, 90% certain that the copyright is going through any day now, so if we even hear a WHISPER about someone putting RoboCap out on the market, we will sue your ass.  And secondly, uh, what a ridiculous question.  Do you even understand how complicated it would be to make a hat that turned you into Robocop?  Or how much time our creative department would take to come up with such an amazingly appropriate name for that as RoboCap?  Yeah, that shit doesn’t just happen, so no, we never think about those awesomely crazy American ideas.

We do, however, think about BoozeTown.

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Michael Malloy, Super-Hobo

“Why won’t he die?  WHY WON’T HE DIE!?”

~The Murder Trust, 1933

It’s a shocking truth that, some great Americans?  Were not born in America.  Hell, Bob Hope, the man who made it a life passion to entertain American troops, was born in England.  We’re not elitists, we’re Americans, and we recognize that this is a melting pot, and that if you truly embrace what it means to be an American, it doesn’t matter where you were born.  Such is the case of the most glorious homeless man in the history of America, Michael Malloy.

Who was Michael Malloy, you may ask?  Only an Irish-American who was as impossible to kill as Rasputin, if Rasputin knew how to hold his liquor.  Born in Ireland, Malloy once worked as a Fireman before coming to America and inventing crippling alcoholism.  He died in 1933 at the age of 60, after a series of failed murder attempts at the hands of The Murder Trust.  While the death of a great, booze guzzling hero is always a tragedy, if you’re gonna go down, you might as well go down at the hands of a group as awesomely named as “The Murder Trust.”  The only way Michael Malloy’s obituary could have read any more awesome is if his cause of death had been listed as “advanced age and sexual encounters with twelve women in one night.”

Especially if he was dressed as a Stormtrooper, but ESPECIALLY if he was dressed as a Stormtrooper.

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