“This is the most depressing list I’ve ever seen. Those poor Vegans. Please, just take a big old bite out of my flank. I want you to be happy.”
Ever since we sent [REDACTED] on a trip into torture and madness not seen since Apocalypse Now, we’ve tried to distance ourselves from the terrifying, un-American creatures known as “Vegans.” We didn’t know much about them, but we knew they didn’t like meat, and that’s more than enough reason to hate them with every fiber of our beings. “Oh, but AFFotD, that’s blind, irrational hatred, isn’t that wrong?” you may ask, and we would retort, of course not. If we didn’t have blind, irrational hatred, we’d have settled this country by “peacefully cohabiting with the natives” and where would that leave us now? With a lot fewer casinos and a lot less stories about smallpox blankets. Could you imagine such a terrifying world? We try not to.
But after a while, we began to develop a curiosity about these soulless (we can only assume) harbingers of soy. Here’s what we knew about Vegans (through assumption). They don’t eat meat unless it comes from human babies, they don’t have souls because the only way to acquire and maintain a soul is by devouring the life force of other animals, and they never shower because if they did their white-person dreads would immediately thin out when they touch water.
“My parents eat MEAT so I think it’s WRONG. I learned that at the college that they paid for me to go to from a professor I was sleeping with.”
Well, for a while this inherent knowledge satisfied us. But, after months of not even thinking the word “Vegan” we suddenly developed a strong urge to learn about all the foods that they are not allowed to eat. This may or may not have something to do with putting trace amounts of cow’s blood in the water supply and then buying billboard space that says, “HEY VEGANS! HOW’S THE COW’S BLOOD TASTE? IT’S IN YOUR FUCKING WATER, HIPPIES!”
God, the look on their faces is going to be priceless. Well, time for us to get formal, and focus on…
Foods of Enjoyment (Ignored by Dastardly Vegans)
“Meat: It’s totally worth killing for.”
The following is a list of foods that Vegans can’t eat. It’s not comprehensive, but it is comprehensive as far as things that Americans need. And we’re not exaggerating here. If an American goes a month without eating any of the following food and drink items, they turn into a male Chinese government official. Even our women. All Vegans are secretly Chinese government officials, is what we’re trying to say.
1. Meats of any sort. Especially the best kinds.
This isn’t unique to Vegans. Vegetarians don’t eat this shit either, but it upsets us so much we still need to drive this point home. They don’t eat meat. Meat is literally the tastiest thing that exists outside of fried beer. Going without meat for too long can cause Iron deficiency, limit the types of proteins your body takes in, and automatically erase your entire itunes library and replace it with that one Sarah McLaughlin song about the abused puppies. These are cold hard facts. And that’s just red meat. We’re not even getting into fried chicken, or lion meat. Meat is far too delicious to ignore…and yet Vegans do. Why? Why?
Some Vegetarians say, “Eh, I can eat seafood at least,” because they realize that fish rank just between “Ferns” and “Jessica Simpson” in terms of intelligence. You could eat a fish’s brother and it’d forgive and forget faster than a cuckolded father on the set of Maury. While it’s apparently a total myth that fish only have a 3-second memory, they still can only remember the previous five months. So they might be able to remember events little more linearly than, say, Guy Pierce in Momento, but they still can’t make it long enough to remember scheduling a dental cleaning. And we’ve talked about the Americanness of eating Lobster before. Hell, a lobster’s brain is called a “ganglia” which we’re pretty sure is Latin for “Oh God it’s a soulless monster just let it die.” Eating a fish is about as morally unjust as eating a can of soup, and soup at least can stay around for a few years before being forgotten. Unfortunately, speaking of soup…
3. Broth, and pretty much anything that makes soup taste good
You don’t need to just be “animal flesh” to enter the “No-Zone” of a jaundiced Vegan. Yes, even soup, the gloriously delicious heated sodium delivery device, has to be carefully monitored to make sure none of that delicious animal soul slips in there screaming like a cartoon ghost. Broth, or stock, is our way to make water less boring by boiling all the liquid flavor out of certain foods. It’s what makes soup, well, soupy, and has a myriad of additional uses in dishes like risotto and gravy. And there’s a whole mess of them, too. How many “types” of broth are there out there? Conservatively, about 12. How many are “Vegan friendly.”
One. If you’re lucky. “Vegetable broth” is pretty much all you get, which took a great word like “Broth” and made it disgusting by adding “Vegetable,” which is the grossest butchering of a word outside of any use of the word “Porn” that’s not preceded by “Horse.”
“Oh, but hold on a second, AFFotD. I’m planning on being a Vegan, but obviously have consumed meat within the past three days since I did not spontaneously combust when I went to the America Fun Fact of the Day website,” someone who likely will spontaneously combust the next time they visit this website might say at this point, “Aren’t there plenty of soups I can eat that just use this Vegetable broth? There are a lot of soups that don’t have meat at all and OUCH a hand just came out of my computer screen and slapped me on the nose, what the hell?” Well first of all, here’s another slap for good measure. And secondly, let’s take a look at delicious, “meat-free” soups.
French Onion Soup? Beef stock. Lentil soup? Chicken stock. Cream of fucking mushroom soup? Chicken broth and milk. Uncle Sunshine’s Whole Grain Vegan Oat Paste Condensed Soup? The wailing, trapped souls of fifteen unbaptized children. So good luck taking care of that cold during the winter, Vegans, because you’re not gonna be able to use soup for it, will you?
4. All Dairy Products (Eggs, Milk, Cheese, Happiness)
Remember when the Ahmadinejad went on record to say that there are no gays in Iran? Everyone made fun of him, and rightfully so, because that’s about as retarded as claiming that there are no racists in West Virginia. But when we tell you that there are no Vegans in Wisconsin, that makes sense doesn’t it? If a Vegan ever crossed north of Illinois, they immediately transform into an over-sized dictionary that only lists the definition for “contradiction.” The difference between Vegans and Vegetarians is that they derive pleasure from hearing the screams of our children they do not eat anything that even came from an animal. So while you might milk a cow, you shouldn’t drink that milk. We know, it makes no sense to us either. That also means there’s no cheese, which means there’s no pizza, which means, God what have you done?
Every time a murder is committed in Italy it’s because of the Vegans for some reason.
This gets more perverse when you consider how eggs play a prominent role in the making of most, you know, breads. At this point we’re wondering if the first Vegan was just really into dietary torture and wanted to see how gullible people were. We imagine that the conversation went like this.
Douchebag Veganism Inventor: Man, I bet you I could trick thousands, if not millions, of people to never eat anything good.
Douchebag Friend of Vegan Inventor: What, like stopping them from eating meat? Some people do that already, it’s ridiculous.
DVI: No, even worse. I could trick people into thinking that that eating like, cheese betrays the “rights” of cows or something. Well, maybe nothing that retarded.
DFVI: Yeah, no one would buy that, cows are pretty much brainless fart producing machines, and cheese is delicious.
DVI: So delicious! Maybe I could stop them from eating anything with eggs in them?
DFVI: Haha, what, like telling people that they’re chicken fetuses when they’re not even fertilized?
DVI: Ha! If only people were that stupid.
And now we’ve gotten to the point the cashier at Whole Foods is trying to make us buy gluten-free beer. Thanks a fuckton, Douchebag Veganism Inventor. Oh, wait, did that reference of alcohol grab your attention? We thought it would. Tough shit for that one reader who was considering turning Vegan, since…
5. Most Beers and Wines
Beer. We at AFFotD love beer. Now, we’ve never written a love sonnet about it, but that’s just because we never learned the correct line and rhyme structure. And wine? Sure, wine’s cool, it’s juice that gets us drunk, and you can get it for really cheap at Trader Joe’s. And Vegans never get to find out how delicious beer and wine is. This forced teetotaling, apart from being another reason to hate Vegans with a hatred normally reserved for predatory animals born with birth defects, is not because yeast is used, since yeast is actually a fungus. No, the culprit lies in the filtration process, where most breweries and wineries add ingredients “from animals” such as isenglass (dried up fish swim bladders), geletin (animal collegin, *insert horse whinny*), egg whites (eggs, duh) and sea shells (okay Vegans, are you fucking serious?).
That’s right, if a beer uses fucking ground up sea shells, a Vegan is going to say, “No, sorry, I can’t use that to get myself drunk, I could never forgive myself.” If you ask a Vegan what their favorite part of sex is, they’ll probably respond by saying, “Natural detergent is better for your clothing and the environment” because they’re so malnourished that they literally couldn’t listen to what you asked them. But then if you asked them again, they would probably say, “When she only charges me for half an hour and leaves after three minutes.”
And it keeps on getting worse.
“Seriously!?” Seriously. “Honey!?” Honey. We’re as shocked as you. Vegans consider bees to be animals. To put this in perspective, AFFotD and (probably) several southern and Midwestern counties legally consider bees to be a form of facial hair. Humanity has been harvesting honey for 10,000 years, and all of a sudden Vegans are coming into the picture telling us that we’re “exploiting” the honeybees.” Well tough shit, when they all die out we’ll yearn for the days when we could have honey. It’s a good thing we can stockpile that shit, because honey has a longer half-life than Uranium. But no, Vegans don’t want any part of that. Every time a Vegan talks about how honey exploits bees, a swarm of bees magically appear and start stinging the shit out of them, going, “BZZZZZ! BZZ BZZ BZZZZ BZZZZ, BZZZZZZZ” which we believe roughly translates to, “Hey cocksmoker, you think you’re too good for our honey? Fuck you, Handcart.” Our Bee translator admits that he’s a little rusty.
Of course, when the Vegan is trying to recover from enough bee stings to kill Kevin McCallister, they’re fucked because…
7. Some Medicines, Most Medical Supplements, Birth Control Pills
A surprising amount of medical ingredients are derived from animals, and we support the hell out of that. There’s something fitting about eating enough steak to develop high blood pressure, and then using blood pressure medication made out of, we don’t know, sheep eyes, it just seems like the natural order of things. But for Vegans, this is some huge moral dilemma, with many of them wondering if they’re hypocrites for taking medicine that was either tested on animals or is derived from animals (They’re not. They just have no souls). Now, if you click that link at the beginning of this paragraph, you’ll see that a lot of vitamin supplements are not whatever-the-Vegan-equivalent-to-Kosher-would-be, but if you look closely you’ll also see a familiar ingredient.
As in, one of the two primary ingredients in the Birth Control Pill. This is too thinly veiled, Vegans, it’s obvious that you’re listing Estrogen as “Non-Vegan” because you’re trying to grow an Army.
…Oh shit…an Army of Vegans. They must be stopped.
If we allow them to get enough power, could you imagine? A world without pig roasts, hell, a world without marshmallows!? This is a call to arms, America! We must stop these Vegan menaces!
But before you do, fill yourself up on a nice, juicy steak. Just because you can.