The Most Ridiculous News Stories Involving Bacon

“Bacon is good for me.”

~A Genius

bacon

Bacon went viral a few years back, which was very strange since bacon pretty much always is viral, because bacon is delicious.  Bacon is one of those foods that have taken active years off people’s lives, and they’ve sat there, greasy on and sweating on their death bed, and said, “Worth it.”  Saying “I love bacon” in America is like saying “I am freedom” or “I like the last season of Breaking Bad”- everyone just assumes that’s the case unless you say otherwise, at which point everyone looks at you funny because something is broken inside of you.

But like most things that people crave, bacon can drive people to do some dumb things.  And sometimes, those dumb things appear in the news.  So we’re not here to tell you about what bacon is good, and what bacon dishes are insane.  No, we’re going to tell you about what things are ridiculous that have been done that somehow involve bacon.  Strap in for a wild ride, because you’re about to get a whole face full of pure America “wtf-ness.”

The Most Ridiculous News Stories Involving Bacon

okay there guy

PETA Protesters Unloaded a Truck-Full of Manure at a Tommy’s Country Ham House While George W. Bush Was Eating Bacon There

bush

We try not to get political on this site, but we should probably acknowledge something about George W. Bush on this site.  He was the 43rd President of the United States.  We know that confirming that he was, in fact, a President (a fact we verified from Wikipedia as well as whitehouse.gov), might anger some of our readers, but we stand for truth in reporting, and dick jokes, so that statement is going to stay.

Oh, and also apparently some people didn’t think much of his Presidenting.  Among those people are the members of PETA, the kind of group that would look up an anti-vegan article we wrote in 2011 and manage to find every single way to overreact about its mere existence.  According to a story he told while campaigning for his brother’s 2016 presidential bid, these PETA members managed to track him down while he was eating a plate of bacon at Tommy’s Country Ham House.  Being reasonable, collected activists, are four words that have never been used to describe members of PETA (who, by the way, actually kill puppies, fuck you PETA), so, being members of PETA, they decided to show their displeasure in the President by dumping a truck’s-worth of manure onto the parking lot of the establishment.

Bush, in telling the story, summed up the powers of bacon pretty well.  “But let me tell you something about the Ham House.  Even a steaming pile of manure can’t ruin their good bacon.”

40,000 Pounds of Bacon Spilled Onto an Illinois Highway L

 nooooo

We don’t use the word “tragedy” often, and that is because we have very specific, very probably incorrect, Dictionaries that say that the word “tragedy” is a word that means “when a semitrailer truck hauling 40,000 pounds of bacon overturned on a highway, spilling its load.”  This isn’t a ridiculous story, really.  Just ridiculously sad.  All that bacon. Tragedy.

*stifles back a sob*

None of it was recovered.

There’s a Public Intoxication Case That For Some Reason Involves Something Called “Suspicious Bacon”

 this guy

Okay, so we honestly aren’t super sure what’s going on with this story, so we’re going to try to talk it out to you to see if it helps us figure it out.  So basically Evan Patrick Cater, who lives in Virginia, and who is pictured above, was arrested in October of 2015 for a variety of crimes including misdemeanor trespassing (meh), public intoxication (that’s just called knowing how to party), possession of a firearm while intoxication (um, okay we do NOT want to party with this guy then) and felony wearing a mask in public (what?).  Where does bacon come into this?  Well, apparently he was discovered by the police lying face down, drunk, with a gun, hiding behind his neighbor’s dog kennel.  He also was in possession of “bacon covered in an unknown substance.”

So it is now known as the “Suspicious Bacon” case.  Which, again, if you want to clarify that for us, go for it.  We don’t want to guess what the substance covering the bacon is.  All we know is that Suspicious Bacon sounds like it should be the name of a 80’s hair metal band that was kind of formulaic but had one medium hit because every formulaic hair metal band in the 80’s had at least one formulaic hit.

A Woman Tried To Use Bacon To Burn Down Her Ex’s House

woood.jpg

Bacon is good for a lot of things.  It’s good for breakfast, for example.  It’s great on a BLT.  Hell, you can wrap it around scallops if you’re feeling crazy, all of these are great uses for bacon.  One not-so-great use of bacon is a Firestarter, which someone should have probably told  Camero Crispi (yes her name is Crispy, God is real and he has a great sense of humor) about that when she decided to get back at her ex by burning down his house…using bacon.

Crispi (hahah, we will never get over how perfect that is) took a pound of bacon, placed it on a cookie sheet, and put it on top of the stove, set to high.  She wasn’t able to start a house fire successfully, because of course this didn’t work, but she was pretty sloshed at the time—when she was arrested, she had a blood-alcohol level of .346.  Hot damn.

A San Francisco Bacon Restaurant Had To Close Because It Smelled Like Bacon

tasty bacon

San Francisco can often be accused of being a hyper-liberal city of snobs, but that’s an unfair justification.  It is a diverse and unique American city, and has some amazing things going for it.  Well, except for the people who live in Haight-Ashbury, because those fuckers had a bacon restaurant and they got it closed down because they didn’t want their neighborhood to smell like bacon.  That’s one of the best things to smell like!  What the shit!?

The restaurant, called Bacon Bacon because of course these beautiful patriots would call their bacon restaurant Bacon Bacon, were forced to close their doors in May of 2013 because they didn’t “negotiate” with their neighbors about the smell filling up the area, so the neighbors complained.  We sincerely hope that one of the people who complained ends up finding this article, reading it, and knowing that we truly, deeply, hate them.  This is pure, unbridled hatred, and we hope you have no happiness in your life, because you don’t deserve it, because you took Bacon Bacon away from a grateful nation, you monsters!  Oh God, we’re literally shaking we’re so angry about this.

Um, let’s move on.

A Oklahoma City Bar Manager Was Arrested For Serving Bacon Infused Vodka

vodka bacon

We’ve documented how shitty our country can be about alcohol laws state-by-state, but this is pretty messed up.  Last year the manager of The Pump Bar was arrested for infusing his bar’s liquor with flavors including jalapenos, garlic…and bacon.  Basically, Oklahoma’s backward ass has some prohibition laws still on the books (fucking why?) and it includes a (very stupid) law that you cannot refill containers with alcohol and serve out of those containers.  Again, this is a stupid law, but since the vodka was transferred over to the bacon, and then served from those containers, Jake Cross, the manager of the bar, got arrested for serving it.

God, this is so stupid.  The owner of the bar vowed to fight it, but, man, that also ticks us off.  Oh, speaking of ticked off…

Some Guy Went on a Rampage Because Dairy Queen Put Bacon on His Burger

dairy queen bitches

This story is fucking magical.  So Gregory Sims of Georgia went down to a Dairy Queen last September to order a hamburger.  We would take a moment to point out he was pretty drunk at this point, but he was eating a hamburger at a Dairy Queen so you probably figured that out on your own already.  Now, Sims opened his burger to find that he had bacon he had not asked to be placed on his hamburger.  Most of us would view this as our lucky day, and thank the bacon Gods for this bountiful blessing, but not Sims. No, Gregory Sims got angry.

Now, there are two things you should know about Gregory Sims.  One is that he had previously served jail time when he got in a fight with his then-girlfriend, chased after her when she left in his pickup truck, and crashed into a gas station convenience store, starting a fire.  The other is that he really doesn’t like it when you give him free bacon.  He immediately went up to the cashier and began swearing at her.  A father having ice cream with his family didn’t take kindly to this display, and went to him to tell him to watch his language.  While this father sounds like a bit of a prude to us, Gregory Sims decided he really did not like the man, and told him, “If you don’t get out of my face, I’ll kill you.”  He then took out a pocket knife, at which point the father tackled him to the floor before he could open it up.

Having been tackled to the ground by a random customer, Sims decided to leave the restaurant.  Now, cops had been called due to the whole “seriously he pulled a knife on someone” thing, and they arrived in time to chase Sims and his trusty pickup truck around town.  Sims was a sharp thinker, being as wasted and angry as he was at the time, and parked behind a random house, at which point he told the cops, “You can’t give me a DUI.  My truck is parked.”

So yeah, he definitely got a DUI, and got sentenced to seven years in jail (we’re guessing the whole “repeat offender” thing is why he got so much time) when, at the end of the day, he should have just been happy to get some free bacon.

Though admittedly, some people have an actual, religious excuse to not eat bacon.  That of course leads to a lot of stories involving…

People Keep Getting Arrested For Taunting Muslims With Bacon

muslim beads

So Muslims don’t eat bacon (if they’re relatively devout) and a lot of people seem to have an issue with Muslims because some Muslims in the world are horrific assholes, and they feel the best way to even the score is to be horrific assholes themselves.  Like, it’s cool, history definitely looks back fondly at people who unreservedly hate a billion people because they read a mildly different bible.  But some of these people have decided that the best way to express this view of “Hey, I want to be a dick to Muslims” by  getting themselves arrested by taunting Muslims with bacon.

There’s this Swedish man who was arrested for assault because he went up to a group of Muslim women and started menacingly eating bacon at them, which is a word jumble sentence we never expected to write in our lives.  Then there was the 30-year-old California woman who left a bunch of bacon strips at a mosque and got arrested for hate crimes.  Or the two Polish men that actively started throwing a bunch of worshipers in a mosque.

Now, do we think people should taunt Muslims with bacon?  No, that’s a pretty dickish and frankly confusing move.  Were these arrests likely a slight case of overreaction on a lot of peoples’ parts?  Eh, probably, like, if someone threw bacon at one of our Jewish writers they would probably be pissed about it but not “I’m filing a police report” pissed.  But is the mental image of some bigoted asshole throwing bacon at a bunch of praying people kind of funny?  Oh, abso-fucking-lutely

So remember, bacon is good for you, but, you know, just don’t throw it at people, unless they’re into that kind of thing.  (We’re totally into that kind of thing.)

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