Holy Mother of Cow, It’s the World’s Largest Hamburger!

“Weighing in at over 300 pounds, this 3 foot tall hunk of meat….”

~A Porn actress’s nightmare

It should come as no surprise to you that we at the America Fun Fact of the Day have a pretty well-established love of Hamburgers.  We also love needless excess.  Show us the person who would say that we’re “wasting our time” making and selling the world’s largest gummy bear and we’ll show you a sad individual whose dream of making and selling the world’s largest gummy bear was likely dashed by diabetes.

America loves unhealthy things, and we love lots of unhealthy things far more.  When someone tells us something has 540,000 calories, our response is generally, “I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat yourself, I just climaxed.”

But, to quote the guy from Queens who thought we just insulted him in that last sentence, “I got your 540,000 calories riiiiight here.”  And he does.  Or at least we do.  And by “we” we mean to say “Detroit”.  In the form of…

Holy Mother of Cow, It’s the World’s Largest Hamburger!

Pictured, from left to right:  Ingredient, Ingredient, Hamburger, Psychopath chef

An observant reader clued us in to this little nugget of an article, which discusses the brave efforts of the Southgate restaurant, Mallie’s Sports Bar and Grill, who not only have set the record for the largest hamburger that is commercially available, they’ve had the size of the thing more than double in size over the past few years.

Originally, the “Absolutely Ridiculous Burger” (for only $2,000) was 134 pounds.  Then, it was offered at 164 pounds.  319 pounds was finally followed by the current tally.  At 319 pounds and 540,000 calories, this hamburger gives us a mathematical way to calculate how many calories we are made of.  The hamburger also takes about 22 hours to cook/make which gives you a pretty good sense of how long one of us would take to be cooked in an oven.

The Absolutely Ridiculous Burger strikes as something the owner would have concocted just to see the look of disappointment on his friend’s face after they say, “for $2,000 bucks, this burger better come with a month of blowjobs or be 300 pounds.”

“Something wrong, Yank?”  “…No…no, it’s big…”

Now obviously it would be a mute point to rave about the many, many ways this Hamburger concoction is American.  That would be like us trying to explain why an American Flag is American without using, “You really fucking want us to clarify this for you?” as a reason.

That said, we have to offer one final compliment to pay to this delicious homage to American absurdity.  While the fact that this burger comes with free fries and a drink screams “haha, fuck you, thanks for the two grand” we support the following figure.

15, 30, 30, 36.  That is number of pounds of the additional ingredients that go on the burger (excluding the 100-pound-plus bun).  Fifteen pounds of lettuce, which would upset us except for the fact that it’s the least prevalent ingredient, and it’s still 1/one-billionth-we-don’t-know-how-to-do-fractions of the amount of meat that the burger represents.  The first thirty is for tomatoes, which doesn’t upset us since the second thirty represents the amount of bacon on this burger.  That’s right, thirty pounds of Bacon, because we’re pretty sure “Of course we’re putting bacon on our three hundred pound hamburger, who the fuck are you to even ask such a question?” is the Michigan state motto.

And finally, it comes with thirty-six pounds of cheese, since if you’re eating the world’s largest hamburger, if it doesn’t come with enough cheese to technically qualify it as human toddler in the state of Wisconsin, we’re not even going to acknowledge it.

“Tell them I died the way I lived…rocking out!  And being digested.”

Really the only tragedy about this hamburger is that no one has gone in to order it.  Yet.

That’s right America, this is a call to arm.  If you find yourself in Southgate, Michigan, stop by Mallie’s Sports Bar and Grill and drop the most worthwhile $2,000 of your life.  And save a bite for us.