A Delicious History of Steak

Posted on January 31, 2011 | 16 comments

“Oh my God, this steak is so good I can taste it’s soul.”

~Ted Turner

There’s an old story that we at the America Fun Fact of the Day offices like to tell to really amp us up.  And by “old story” we mean “a heritage myth we stole from some Indians and tinkered with, because, you know, America.”  It talks of the Bear and the Cow.  The Bear was the most feared animal in the forest, able to rule the forest mercilessly, this being before the existence of C. Dale Petersen.  All animals fled his path, and hunters to him were like hot dogs inside orange-vest hot dog buns.  Brother Bear knew no fear, and had never experienced pain.  Then, one day, there was a cow stampede in the forest.  These fat cows, lumbering, came in such great numbers that Bear had to climb a tree to evade them, only to look down in despair to see his youngest cub directly in the path of the oncoming bovine charge (Bear was sort of a shitty parent, to be fair).  Right as the Bear grimaced, preparing for the death of his child, Brother Cow stopped in his tracks, directly in front of Bear’s cub.  The rest of the herd ambled past, and when the dust settled, Cow stood in front of the cub, and in his mouth was a blade of grass, which he gave to the cub.  Brother Bear was so relieved that he climbed down, and said to Brother Cow, “You have saved my own dearest child.  Thank you, Cow, you truly are a noble creature.”

Brother Bear and his cub then ate the shit out of that Cow, because steak is fucking delicious.

Continue reading →

16 Comments

Posted in America's Greatest Fun Facts, Hot Dogs, Hamburgers, Steaks

Tagged , , , , , ,

The American History of Teddy Roosevelt

Posted on January 30, 2011 | 10 comments

“Shit shit shit, guys, it’s Teddy Roosevelt.  We’re fucked.”

~Cuba, 1898

While America has produced its fair share of mutant supermen, only one of the nation’s past presidents was actually allergic to electricity, due to the metallic nature of his testicles.  A man who once cut another man in half by blinking at him.  A man who didn’t like Spaghetti because it was “Too Italian”, so he only subsided on hamburgers and his enemies’ fears.  That man of course, is Theodore Roosevelt.

“Hi.  Do NOT fuck with me”

Continue reading →

10 Comments

Posted in America's Greatest Fun Facts, Roosevelt

Tagged , , , , , , , ,

America Fun Fact of the Day- An Introduction

Posted on January 29, 2011 | 3 comments

“America.”

~You


What do we see here?  A building?  A flag?  An “if your mind is in the proper place, incredibly phallic” fountain spurt?

No.  No, we see…America.

Hello.  Hello.  Hello.  Normally, writers would say something like “Hello.  Hola.  Halo.  Konnichiwah.”  You know, to be inclusive.  Welcoming.  Cultural.  Well, you know what inclusive is for?  Space shuttle safety inspections.  You know what welcoming is for?  Doormats.  You know what Cultural is for?  Uh…Elementary School Festivals Meant To Gloss Over The Shocking Homogeneity Of This Fucking Suburb?  Sure.  But guess what, assholes.  This is fucking America.

America, just like a potato chip, is better in its ruffled form.

So, you may be asking yourself in that “incredibly unrealistic concept that people reading random internet blogs would ask themselves questions about the aforementioned blog” way, “Who are these people, and what do they know about America?”

Well, if you have a good necromancer, you might be able to ask the great-grandfather of our Editor-in-Chief, Johnny Roosevelt.

If America was a gun, he’d be the armor-piercing bullets.

Of course, after he established the America Fun Fact of the Day offices in 1973, J.R. felt he needed to create a credo for the whole enterprise, which is only now joining the online revolution (…that is, 10 years ago it would have been considered a ‘revolution’).  That credo?

America.  That is what we believe in.  That is what we represent.  What is America?  America is everything, yet it is still everything.  Over indulgence in alcohol?  Of course, preferably whiskey.  Yes.  Yes, this is America.  Over eating, and discovering new ways to create a jowl?  Yes, most indubitably.  But really, being American is about being ignorant to your faults, proud of your vices, and uncompromising over the most minuscule of details.  It is with this in mind that we shall serve as a path for freedom, a dream to show the American dream.  We will not yield.  We will not relent.  And we will not cease in our debauchery.

Yes.  And it is with this credo in our fingertips, and with J.R. looking over our shoulders, like seriously, right the fuck now, that we begin this enterprise.  We will give the uncensored histories of the greatest Americans, of the most American foods and items.  We will show the true path to American empowerment, and we will chastise all impostures.

So for those unwilling to hear the truth about George Washington’s Laser Vision, Ulysses S. Grant’s Drunken Imperiousness to Bullets, or The Proper Way To Eat a Steak, go to http://www.france.gov.  Otherwise, take solace in knowing your nation is great, and if you think otherwise…well, that’s like saying cheese is not delicious.  You clearly must have a problem digesting something that is glorious.    

3 Comments

Posted in America Fun Fact of the Day

Tagged , , , , , , ,