Category Archives: AFFotD Special Features

Every so often, our writers run out of whiskey when the liquor stores have already closed. Unsure what to do in such a terrifyingly sober world, we try to occupy ourselves by writing comprehensive long-form articles about some of the most important aspect of America.

We’ve put each of our special feature here for you to peruse, because deep down you’ve always wanted to know about the lives of each of Teddy Roosevelt’s kids, or about the most American quality of each American state. Or it’s just a slow work day and you’re looking to pass the time with a healthy dose of America.

AFFotD’s When Vigilantism Goes Awesome Part 1

“Well, no that’s the BAD kind of vigilante justice.  This is the GOOD kind of vigilante justice…”

~AFFotD’s PR director in response to comments today’s fun fact will receive

Okay, so we at AFFotD are obligated to say that this article, which we will tell you right off the bat is about great moments in American vigilantism history, is in no way an endorsement of vigilantism, and that laws and regulations are in place for a reason, and it is a slippery slope when you go outside the law to enact vengeance.  We do not condone acts of vigilantism, and point out that the consequences are real, and many people have suffered unduly because of misguided vigilante zeal that we feel is irresponsible, and ultimately damaging to a society of law and order.

Wink.

This is what irresponsibility looks like.  You wouldn’t want to look that cool, right?

Justice is an imperfect monster in society.  Humanity has flaws, and those flaws sometimes lead to punishment being wrongfully meted out.  And yes, there have been instances of Leo Frank sized injustices at the hands of a vigilante public, but a fair amount of death row inmates have been equally guilty and equally punished by the justice system.  So we’re not here to quibble in the nuances and ethical complexities of vigilante justice.  We’re just here to tell you about times when it gets fucking awesome.

Ha Haaaa!

Here is part one of AFFotD’s When Vigilantism Goes Awesome.

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America’s Ugliest Vice-Presidents Part 2: #5-1

“FEAR MY IMPENDING DOOM.”

~#1 on the list of Ugliest Vice-Presidents

As we saw in yesterday’s AFFotD, there are a surprisnig amount of goofy looking Vice-Presidents.  and we’ve got nothing better to do than to keep on counting down.  So here, for your viewing pleasure (and we use that term lightly) are the five ugliest Vice-Presidents of American History.

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America’s Ugliest Vice-Presidents Part 1: #10-6

“Well, uh, that Biden fella is goofy looking and, uh, I believe we should make him the Vice President.”

~President Barack Obama

American Presidents run the gauntlet from “Ugly as sin” to “Your wife would bone him, let’s be honest” as far as physical attractiveness goes.  But, to be President of the world’s greatest nation that only gets better when you remove the letter “e” from its name, you have to have a pretty large, healthy ego.  So, for most Amrrican Presidents, there have been terrifying looking monster serving as their Vice-President.  The more you think about it, the more sense it makes- much like a Bride giving her Maids of Honor ugly dresses to wear, the President wants the Vice-President to be there to make them look good.  As much as her politics, rhetoric, and speeches were incredibly divisive and damaging to John McCain’s 2008 presidential campaign, what really doomed him from the start was that he decided to choose a running mate who makes you feel sort of funny when you see how she looks in a bikini with a gun.  Meanwhile, an old man and a MILF were running against a young man and the puppet from Jeff Dunham’s stand up ventriloquist bits.

Young man with a puppet running mate win every time.

It’s American to be an ugly Vice-President, and honestly, there are so few instances of non-monster-like vice presidents that those that don’t look like a child of Mothra end up having an easy ticket into the White House.  Plus, we’re pretty sure that the only reason Teddy Roosevelt was a Vice-President before becoming President was that he threatened to shoot McKinley if he wasn’t made VP before pointing at his nose and saying, “That’s called foreshadowing, asshole.”

So as the representatives of the pulse of this fine nation, AFFotD is primed to run down a list of the 10 ugliest American Vice-Presidents.  Because even if they achieved more power than we ever can hope to come close to, we can take solace in the fact that no one remembers their names, and they were goofy looking.  Like, really goofy looking.

[editor’s note- though it’s an easy target most people can recognize, we are not putting Dick Cheney on this list, mainly because our research staff found a picture from his High School Yearbook, and the majority of our female staffers said, “Holy shit, I’d actually bang that guy.”]

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The History of Beer Pong, Part Three: The Drinks

“Another beer pong post?  Really?”

~You

As you’ve seen in the past two days, beer pong has a long rich history, and a series of well established rules.  Below we have the final in our three day series on beer pong.

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The History of Beer Pong, Part Two: The Rules

“This is my tenth game of pong, and I’m still balling the sinks…uh….”

~The Average Beer Pong Tournament Winner

As we saw in yesterday’s fun fact, the origin of Beer Pong is a rich and totally true tale.  The tale continues below.

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The History of Beer Pong, Part One: The Origin of Beer Pong

“Violence is never the correct method to enlightenment.  I have been the victim of slings and arrows but I knew to take them in stride.  Men have attacked me, provoked me, and have I turned the other cheek.  But house rules say we are allowed to re-rack mid-turn, so you’d better give me Bozo Buckets before I fucking end you.”

 ~Gandhi

 As Americans age, they find that their sensibilities and lifestyle might soften.  Some of us settle down and start a family.  Some of us wait until kickoff to start drinking, instead of waking up at 6AM to pregame properly.  Still others feel less motivation to travel to Africa to slay lions with their bare hands, and instead stay in America to hunt coyotes.  However, there is one American activity that, though associated primarily with college students, remains fondly in the hearts of all American Champions.  Never will we tire of it, and never will we abandon it.  It is no mere game, it is a way of life, and a testament to our American abilities and ingenuity.

Of course, we are referring to Beer Pong.

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